Hit the despair wall of diagnosis day.

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Jadedjo
Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
edited July 2018 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

My apologies if I depress anybody on here with my gloomy gusdom but apparently there are not enough workers for our local crisis line and all I'm getting is a recorded message. I tried to hit that sweet spot between hang up and the next caller but am still unsuccessful.After the 180th attempt, I gave up

So I hit the despair wall of diagnosis day. The part that the the fighter part of you goes and hides under a blanket in the closet curled in a foetal position around its teddy and the woe is me, life is misery and hell part of you takes over.

i look at the road ahead of me and all I can think is after 15 years of health issues that have ruined my life can I really fight the worst one out of all of them? Am I really going to be strong enough to do it especially mentally and emotionally.

 All the tests,all the treatments cause even if I don't need chemo I will still have to do other therapies to keep it from coming back,the surgery possibly surgeries. And I don't have my parents anymore.  I mean they weren't people who showed actual affection or said I love you but my dad would go out and buy ginger ale and juice while I was sick and make sure the fridge and cupboards had what I needed and would drive me to and back where I needed to go even though he didn't stay.My mom would have cleaned everything and made enough soup to last me to apocalypse and she made good soup. I would have had a home to go to when being alone felt like too much but they are gone. My dad since 2006, my mom since 2010.

I don't want most of my time in hospitals and clinics,getting naked and poked and prodded and cut open. I don't want to deal with doctors who treat you like your a thing instead of a human being.

When I was 12 I thought when I'm in my mid forties I'm going to be married and have a bushel of kids and maybe even the first grandkid and me and the hubby will be both working in decent jobs we would live in a small but comfy loving home,  saving up for retirement when we are still young enough to enjoy it.and life isn't easy but there would be contentment in most places and when I died of old age I would be surrounded by my family.

And here I am 

almost  44.single,completely alone, no kids, every day is misery,living in poverty on eia disability starting to get back on my feet,  I have nothing that makes me feel life is worth living , and now I have cancer. Detected early but still ....I have cancer..

Earlier Angry me was going i will do this,this and this and now despair me is going why are you doing that,that and that. You got no reason to. Even if you survive this it is always going to be the same but now your going to have the sword of reoccurrence over your head every blood test,every medical test, every pain and your going to wonder if it's back and if it's worse and that's if you don't develop an entirely different one somewhere else. 

When I was healthy or thought I was the only thing getting me through was maybe just maybe I would meet someone and fall in love. Now with the cancer sword over my head and a mutilated body in my future I dont Think it will ever happen and that hope of love (cause even though I wished I would be one of the lucky ones who got pregnant in their 40's I knew children weren't going to be likely)it was one of the few things that kept me going each day. I don't have that hope anymore.

And right now I'm struggling with the thoughts of what is the use fighting for my life when i won't ever have anyone to share it with.

Ya there was a reason I was trying to get through to the crisis line.will probably give it 20 more tries before calling it a night.

I'm not going to go slit my wrists right now but I know one of the things to get you through this is strength of will and my will well is dried up.....whelp....maybe a wee drop at the bottom but mostly Sahara.

Geez,Please watch a happy kitten video on YouTube after reading this to murder the bad vibes.

Thank you.

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  • Ingerp
    Ingerp Member Posts: 2,624
    edited July 2018

    All I can say is most breast cancers are extremely treatable. You go through what you have to and you get on with your life. I will get to the point where this is no longer in my brain space.

    I hope you’re seeking mental health help beyond the hotline. The BC is only one small piece of your depression. You need to deal with the rest of your unhappiness.

    Check in here often. It’s a wonderful source of information and support. Hang in there.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    Thanks @ ingerp

    I was actually working on it when. This happen, this actually set me back to the beginning. I have a Counselor and a psychiatrist but it was in the early am and a weekend.

    I eventually got through after 24o attempts (call get recording hang up call) and the kind lady on there actually stayed on with me an hour longer then she was supposed to to talk me though it.

    I know it's treatable and that I can probably plod through it. The problem is I'm already exhausted by plodding through everything else I have gone through the past 15 years. I've been plodding through a swamp the past 5 years. I'm so tired and now I have to plod through this too. And I'm tired.so very, very tired.

    Like I said "despair wall"

    Oh and now my already bad insomnia is all "hey let's stay awake for two days straight!" I'm finishing this then going to see if I actually pass out.anybody got any advice for that? I can't keep going like this it's been a week now of awake for two days then pass out from exhaustion for 6- 8 hours straight and that was before the diagnosis. Natural things dont work anymore.im ready to go the pharmacy route I'm getting so desperate.

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  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited July 2018

    You've probably heard this many times, but try to take things one day at a time, or even one hour at a time. Try not to think about all the disastrous things that COULD happen, and instead focus on healing and bringing positive energy into your mind. Do you have a pet? My furbabies help me so much emotionally. Have you tried meditation? That can also be very helpful.

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  • Icietla
    Icietla Member Posts: 1,265
    edited July 2018

    >>Oh and now my already bad insomnia is all "hey let's stay awake for two days straight!" I'm finishing this then going to see if I actually pass out.anybody got any advice for that?<<

    Yes. Count prime numbers.

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  • keepthefaith
    keepthefaith Member Posts: 2,156
    edited July 2018

    J, It's not uncommon for people DX'd with BC to feel hopelessness and despair, even PTSD. I think you are on the right track in seeking professional help. I haven't experienced what you are describing, but as others have said, please get what help you need. Therapy, support group, medication, meditation, yoga, volunteer, journal, exercise. Your life does matter and you are not alone. Chances are your medical facility has other resources that may be helpful also. I think there is another thread on the forum for "insomniacs" :). Best wishes.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Thanks to all.

    @pupmom

    No fur babies we are not allowed any kind of pet where I live.

    @ilcietla (apologies if name is wrong can't tell if it's an l or an i with these eyes)

    I'm not over exaggerating when I say I really really suck at math. It would make me anxious to even attempt it.

    @keepthedaith

    My Counselor says I already showed signs of. PTSD before this diagnosis. So I'm not sure how much more I can handle.

    Mostly right now for the next two to three days I'm going to pretend I don't have cancer. I'm going to veg out, curl up in bed and just watch Netflix or one of my DVDs or DVD box sets. 

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  • Icietla
    Icietla Member Posts: 1,265
    edited July 2018

    You can be a mother. Furries love absolutely, and they truly appreciate any caring gestures. They can be your best friends. They can be your family. They can give you joys, closeness, more satisfactions, belonging, and purpose.

    Perhaps the folks here could arrange transportation for you.

    http://petrescueshelter.com/volunteer/


    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiszBM4hc3g

    -------------

    Nobody's Child



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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    @lcietla

    As much as I love pets, I'm sorry replacing actual children with fur babies doesn't cut it for me. Not to mention we are not allowed any pets at all here where I live.even if I would be a volunteer at a shelter it would destroy me not to be able to bring one home.my feelings about it also probably stem from having to take care of my moms dog the 4.5 years I was her caregiver and I swear that dog was the reincarnation of the devil hisself.

    I know at almost 44 my odds were unlikely especially since I'm single with no prospects but there was still the possibility for adoption or even a menopause baby if I managed to start a job with a decent income Within the next couple years.. Now because of this horrible disease that has been taken away from me completely.

    That  small itty bitty bit of hope was the only thing keeping me going.whats the use of fighting to live if you got nothing worth fighting for. 

    I'm going  through the motions but I'm balking at a lot of things because why would I put myself through that hell just to come out to the other side to nothing.

    Nothing but a mutilated body that's alive yes but that wasn't all that attractive to begin with and a empty apt that's going to stay that way. Not much to look forward to.

    And the loss of that hope is destroying me more then the cancer diagnosis right now.and it may end up killing me for real because I'm not willing to go the distance for more years of this hell im living in. 

    Not knowing anything about my diagnosis isn't helping either although it's paying off in a unfortunate/fortunate way.

    The anxiety of bad news waiting is burning more calories then I'm taking in which isn't much as my appetite has dropped to nothing and I have to force myself to eat so it's been little things like a banana here,a wrap there,etc a cupful of veggies somewhere in there and I have dropped 12 pounds most of them in the past week. Being morbidly obese thats a good thing, it happening so darn fast,not so much. If it keeps up like this I will have lost at least 20 pounds by the time I see the BS...in under a month...

    Part of me is kinda going to my body  "keep it up for another 12 until I hit that first milestone (25 pms loss)and then level out so it's healthy weight loss through diet and exercise" ( which I have started) other part of me is going "this is probably what fed the damn thing and made it a carcinoma about three years ago,what are you going to grow now?"

    There's nothing I can do right now except keep doing what I'm doing l. Eating what I can and get through each day. 

    But it's hard. And knowing my hope that little spark of hope I had left is now dead is making it harder.

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    Well, I wouldn't feel bad about living someplace that doesn't allow pets. I see it as an opportunity to invest one's care budget into human beings.

    One only needs to look around, to really look, and one sees humans in great need that goes ignored because we are otherwise occupied. For example, there is a barely met need for loving foster parents to children of all ages, baby to teen. And people living in nursing homes, a lot of them are forgotten, neglected, even resented for existing. I am just scratching the surface here. There is lots of work to do to make this world less harsh a place. When I feel like giving up, this gets me up in the morning.

    I think, Jo, that you are a very caring person and you have colossally more to give than you credit youself for.

    Now, I entirely agree with lcietla that animals are worth our caring, and my solution is, I try to save lots of animals at zero time cost, by not eating them :)

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Thanks.

    Working on the no eating animals thing as I switch to plant based foods.have to ease into it if I switch on a dime from one to other I know it will fail.


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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited July 2018

    I agree, Jo, and we each can find our own way to care about animals if we choose, in whatever way works for us.

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  • Scrafgal
    Scrafgal Member Posts: 631
    edited July 2018

    Jadedjo

    Just popped in to check on you. I know things are still tough but you seem to have the old fighting spirit!That is great. Being proactive seems to be working for you.

    Wising you well...

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    @scrafgal

    Thanks. 

    Trying my best.

    Hopefully tommorow some actual answers although not much. Got my notebook ready to go.

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