Waiting and worried

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Jadedjo
Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
edited September 2018 in Waiting for Test Results

Hello all,

This is not a place I thought ii would find myself at but let me say it's helped me the past 9 days.

My story is after years of gut related issues reducing my quality of life including 3 years ago on top of all that the introduction of severe acid reflux that left me unable to eat solid food for about 4 months and still causes daily nausea. A blood transfusion due to severe anemia (edge of critical) two years ago and a colon cancer scare involving an endoscopy and colonoscopy around the same time.

Finally convinced the doc to send me for more then blood tests and was sent for a CT of the abdomen.Didn't get answers for the stomach issues but was told there was a 1.3 cm mass in the right breast.

By the end of the following week I was sent for a mammogram at the time I wasn't too worried I figured it was a cyst.big mistake. I was told I needed an ultrasound on top of the mammogram just five minutes after. About that point I realize maybe I should have worried.

Radiology doctor says with addition to a cyst I also have a "hard,firm mass" (exact words) deep in the right side of my breast and I have to go for a biopsy. I go this Tuesday. I would like to thank everybody on here for suggesting the best clothing to wear in their posts to these appts,I would have ended up in some pain otherwise.

I am scared. Not just of the procedure but the fact that after 13 years of Hell (losing both parents within five years of each other, losing my childhood home,serious financial issues bankruptcy, finally getting one chronic health issue under control just to develop a new one less then a year later,friends and family disappearing after my parents died leaving me alone in the world etc, oh and being borderline suicidal for over 2 years and that's just some of it not everything that's happened)I may have to endure an even deeper Hell.

I don't think I'm going to be one of the 80% that it's benign. how fast they are moving, and if your Canadian you know it doesn't move all that fast, adding in result wait time it will be exactly one month from discovery to results which is in some ways good some ways not so good cause the only time they move that fast in this health system is if they think it's cancer. Which has ME thinking it's cancer. Enough so that I have a list with two questions :the biggest at #1,do you really want to fight to live when you have nothing to live for (I wasn't  kidding when I said it's been a rough 13 years) and two:if the answer is yes, what lengths are you willing to go to do it? I hope I don't offend those on here fighting for their lives I just wish I had something to fight for too. I don't.

Add to that,and this is going to sound really weird, since march I been seeing an influx of breast cancer related items enough and in the strangest places you wouldn't expect it that it had me checking (although I still can't feel the lump I got) my breasts and like I said I didn't feel anything. It wasn't until now that I noticed there is an indentation cause it's in a strange place and only shows up if I stand in front of a mirror naked with my arm held high but it's there.looks like someone took out a small scoop cause it's in the middle of some strange wrinkled skin that developed from losing 60 pounds in 3 months due to the reflux  and gaining it back within 5 months (I'm a big girl always have been).my self esteem is so shot I hadn't looked at myself naked in a mirror for seven years.

I'm 44 and haven't caught a single good break in my life for close to 13 years now I thought I was due one. Now I wonder why God hates me so much. I've been surviving day to day for over a decade and I don't think I have any strength left to fight something his huge.

The worst part of all this I'm facing it completely alone. The biopsy,the results,whatever the future brings.there is nobody.

I apologize for the long windedness of this post. Sorry. Hope I didn't annoy you with the whining. I been drowning in self pity the past nine days and it shows when I talk about this.aalso my apologies for using a similar title as the group it didn't hit me until well after I posted. It asked for a title and I just put what I felt.sorry if it causes confusion.

Thanks for reading :)

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Cm not can

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  • dtad
    dtad Member Posts: 2,323
    edited July 2018

    Hi there. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can relate though. I have multiple autoimmune disease. My QOL was very poor when I was diagnosed. Its really hard not to feel sorry for yourself and feel enough is enough! Why do some people seem to sail through life and others suffer. To start remember they have to prove you have BC before you do. The waiting is horrendous. I'm so sorry you are alone too. Just not fair! I'm happy you found us and we are all here for you. Good luck and please keep us posted...

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    Thank you for your reply,dtad :)

    I'm sorry you've had to endure more then your fair share of horribleness.it really is not fair that some people in this world are given more pain and suffering then others.I know what you mean about some people getting everything handed to them while others bust their butts and still get screwed. 

    (Portion deleted due to oversharing on public forum)



    Thank you and I wish you the best of health and happiness.

    Jadedjo

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    Updated in post biopsy today and bad news topic post.

    They are pretty sure it's cancer,they hope they are wrong but they  are treating it like it is. I see the surgeon 7 days before my 44th birthday in august ( if I'm just a couple months away from my birthday I round up so I can get used to it)

    I burst into tears in the office and they set me up with the clinic social worker.

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  • Amica
    Amica Member Posts: 488
    edited September 2018

    @Jadedjo

    Hugs (). I am so sorry to hear what you have been and are going through. I can relate. I've had a lot of health problems and adverse life events over the last 20 years, and now seem to have a recurrence of breast cancer. I don't have any support really, I am quite alone in the world, my poor health being one reason that has kept me isolated. I also find it hard to be upbeat and positive, I feel anger, frustration, fear., self-pity. At this point, my only support is this board. I hope I can at least be of support to you here, you can private message me anytime and I will reply. That is good you got a referral to a social worker, having someone to talk to can be useful. Please let us know how you are doing and what you find out. I am with you on this. I know it is hard.

    take care,

    Amica

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited July 2018

    @ amica 

    Hugs back and fingers crossed the biopsy comes back that it's ok.


    I know what you mean, I'm isolated myself for the same reason. I found it was just easier to stay at home then be with people who would get irritated when my chronic condition acted up which was most times.

    There times in people's lives where there is no upbeat and positive,just find the strength to get through each day.

    I appreciate the support and as things happen will probably reaching out more.

    My difficulty in facing a probable  cancer diagnosis is the question I can't yet answer " why do I want to fight for a future when there's nothing to look forward to in it?" 

    . I know that's what needed to get through treatments and fight this disease  , that the end game is what your fighting to live for but I don't have that. 

    Let me know how things are going for you too.

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  • Amica
    Amica Member Posts: 488
    edited September 2018

    @ Jadejo: That is a compelling and legitimate question: "My difficulty in facing a probable cancer diagnosis is the question I can't yet answer " why do I want to fight for a future when there's nothing to look forward to in it?"

    . I know that's what needed to get through treatments and fight this disease , that the end game is what your fighting to live for but I don't have that. "

    I don't have a ready answer either to what is really a totally valid existential question.

    Just some thoughts: I guess I think there is a life force, even if it is just biological. I wasn't happy with my life these last few years, and didn't find that much value in living, it seemed mostly torment and tedium, in fact I was not looking forward to the upcoming decades, just getting older and sicker. However, now, facing my mortality again, I do seem to be fighting to get answers, and treatment. I mean, if I didn't care about survival why would I find waiting for biopsy results so insufferable. I try to remind myself to take a Buddhist- type of acceptance of suffering. Because suffering is inevitable. One thing is guaranteed, no one goes through life without some suffering. It can look different from the outside like the recent suicides of Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade would attest. So, we are not alone in our pain--I know that sounds pat.

    The other thing is you don't need to gird your loins and adopt a fighting attitude. You can just take a wait-and-see, I know this is awful but let's wait and see what happens approach, day by day or even minute by minute. Because I know that I have thought before that existence is so awful, what's the point in even persisting, but then sometimes things have turned around at least somewhat, and I have had more positive moments.

    regards,

    Amica


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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    Thanks I will probably take the wait and see approach like you said.

    Will defenitely be working through the

     " should I keep going even though the Universe seems to enjoy making me feel despair on a daily basis?" With my mental health workers and whoever else they have at the clinic.

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    My apologies but I realized I shared way too much on my main intro post and feel it was safer to delete.

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  • Amica
    Amica Member Posts: 488
    edited September 2018

    JadedJo

    You could ask the Mods if they could delete this thread, maybe?

    I will delete mine too because I quote you.

    Sending you healing wishes,

    Amica

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