Bracing myself

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CK24
CK24 Member Posts: 33
edited July 2018 in Not Diagnosed But Worried

Hi, 48 yo female here. Noticed a black spot on my left nipple 3 1/2 weeks ago. Showed husband when he got home two days later and he said it was new to him, too. He noticed a shiny spot on top of the black spot.

I googled black spot on nipple and saw down below that nipple discharge can be one of the symptoms of breast cancer . . .

Saw my nurse practitioner early the next week. She squeezed out some clear fluid and sent me for a diagnostic mammogram/ultrasound the next week, which said:

IMPRESSION: Suspicious segmental area of calcifications and nodularities.

RECOMMENDATION: Stereotactic biopsy of 2 sites of microcalcifications, bothanterior and posterior within the area of abnormality.

There is a two week wait time for biopsies, so I will not be able to get in until this next week. Expecting bad news . . .

I have had occasional shooting pains from the area they found suspicious for several years. Since the mammogram, I have had pain (and occasional hot feeling) in various parts of both breasts.

Everything I read scares me. The last 3 weeks have been emotionally exhausting. So many tears, so much desperation, a complete upheaval of my life and lifestyle.

I just finished a 12 day water fast on Wed., refeeding yesterday on watermelon and green vegetables (I heard a water fast can kick start the immune system and clean out bodily waste). Same plan for today, then adding in some sweet potatoes tomorrow. Need to rebuild my strength to be able to get that biopsy done next week.

Got my period a few days ago, the first time since early Feb. I thought I had started menopause. The hot feeling seemed to go away when I got my period.

Trying to stay calm, trying to come to terms with the possibilities, mourning life as I knew it . . . wondering what in the world is ahead for me.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited July 2018

    Dear CK24,

    We are sorry that you find yourself here with these breast changes, waiting on biopsy and the worry that accompanies uncertainty. Most here will say that waiting for answers is the most stressful part of this experience. You may want to check out this page with links to information on Common Questions about Imaging while you are waiting. Keep us posted on what you learn. Sending you are best wishes for good results. The Mods

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    Thanks, Mods.

    I need to calm down and pull myself together.

    I was watching a NDE video this afternoon. That plus lots of Lorna Byrne videos/reading reassures me. I need to have faith,trust, patience, and perseverance.

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Dear KC24,

    I am so sorry you have had to find yourself here. Waiting to have testing and then get the results is truly one of the most trying times there is. It puts on edge on all of life, even when one thinks they doing fine with the stress. I am also sorry it is taking so long to get to your biopsy. It sounds like it is this coming week, yes? What day are you scheduled for? Have you ever had one before?

    You are strong with your ability to fast like that. It certainly helps promote a sense of control when there is a feeling of none. I don't know if you have read the data available on fasting for breast cancer, but there is a lot of supportive data for fasting and helping fight cancer. So it could be supporting you in many ways. Do be sure to get good nutrients now before your biopsy so that your body is strong. Protein is always advised for supporting any procedures and surgeries. Go for wild caught fish, grass fed meats and good poultry if you eat any animal products.

    Do you have any practices for calming and self soothing? Having good self care is clutch as you probably well know. Are you working? Do you have good distractions?

    I will be holding you in my heart, hoping for the very best, and sending you all good energy.


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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    What a kind message, couragement. Your gentleness and compassion warm my heart, and are truly appreciated. ❤️

    My biopsies are scheduled for Wednesday, the 16th. I have never had one before.

    Thank you for your supportive words about my fast. It was only 12 days, and originally I was just too sad and scared to eat. But I had read that fasting could be helpful in cleaning out diseased cells and jumpstarting the immune system, and so just went with it. I hope it was helpful.

    I am indeed weak right now, three days after ending the fast. I am adding new foods every day, and eating more, but it will take a few more days to feel stronger, I guess.

    I am following the diet TrueNorth Health Center recommends: no salt, oil, nor sugar, no animal foods, and no gluten. Foods are raw or steamed whole plant foods, though my husband did peel my sweet potato last night (I felt kind of guilty about that, since I had read it is important to eat the skin with all the vitamins right below it).

    Yes, I have control issues :). I feel like I must do everything I can to give my body the best chance to fight back. It is hard to forgive myself for not eating a stricter diet over the years. I have known for 20 years about dairy and oil, but I ate them, anyway. And I have no doubt that many women can eat them, no problem. But I don't think my body can. And I am paying a big price for that.

    My loved ones do keep telling me not to blame myself, which is comforting. I am grateful for their compassion, and forgiveness. It is hard not to feel like I have let them down, though. I knew better, but I did not do better. And the punishment is heavy.

    To try to keep some sense of sanity, I am meeting with a reiki practitioner and meeting with a spiritual something, not sure what to call her. She puts a lot of emphasis on positivity. She also knew right away where I was feeling the pain in my breast, as she said she felt it in hers at that moment. That convinced me about her.

    I have to work on my positivity! This post sounds so depressing!

    Not sure how long posts are allowed to be here, so will start a new one. Thanks again so much for your response.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    The Reiki lady is also very nice. She told me I have to believe I can fight this. She also wanted me to affirm to myself that I want to live, that this is a bump in the road and not the end of the road.

    I have focused a lot on death and making peace with death, but everyone wants me to back up from that, to take it one day at a time. And to first get a diagnosis.

    Everything I read from the medical side is so discouraging, though. And all the alternative therapies seem so complicated. I want to do the right thing, but feel confused and overwhelmed.

    I am praying to God to help me. I ask people to pray with me, too. I am trying to become a better person. I am already dealing with the fear of the cancer; at least I can seek peace and acceptance with, and not continue to fear, death.

    But what I really need to do is focus on living! 🌈

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Hi CK24,

    I am so happy you wrote back. Write away! I haven't ever seen any rules on how long you can write. I am a long writer (and am a writer in life) so whatcha gonna do :). Where else if not here, is what I say! I hear you, now is the time to focus on living, that is for certain. I also did my best to stay positive throughout, but one also has to release anger and fear in life. I saw a great post in the "I see stupid people everywhere thread" which made me crack up. When someone told them to be positive and they didn't feel like it they said something like "I am positive, I am positive you are pissing me off!" haahahaha. I laughed hard at that. Although people will say all sorts of things, I took the tack that I have said all sorts of stupid things in my life, but I always hope that my intention was pure, and that I was grateful that anyone cared enough at all to say things to me they hoped would help throughout any ordeal.

    Oh I think Reiki can be a beautiful thing. How good you are to go to find a practitioner that you can trust and believe in. That is half the battle in all of this, I reckon. Reiki is so good on the self love side, as our culture puts such a premium on blame, particularly around illness. I have been ill off and on since I was 13, and I still struggle with feeling like I could be stronger and smarter, and healing and being healthy has been a huge part of my life. I am only just beginning to accept that we don't always have much control. I am grateful to be coming to this space. The control thing is so interesting. I found the need to have an exceptionally clean house while going through treatment, and it helped me moving my body. What works, works.

    I also fast daily, from 4 pm to 7 am, as they found that fasting can reduce the chance of a recurrence by about 38 percent. Stunning! I have always overeaten and I think my husband was curious to see if I could do it, and wow, the day I said I would do it I did and I have never looked back. Stoked! And I love the less clean up and meal planning. Good to have such a great spouse who encourages whatever I need to do and picks up whatever needs doing.

    Your post does not sound depressing. It sounds real. Let your real fly! But do temper the impulse to go to dark places with a balance on what is good and right for you in your life. There is certainly darkness but I truly believe we can dwell in the light if we practice and focus on such.

    Walking in the light with you right now.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    So glad to be with you in that Light, couragement! 🤗☀️What a beautiful post!

    Ill since you were 13. Wow. That is humbling. I am so sorry. What a burden you have carried. 🥀

    I have a feeling I am going to learn things on this journey that I never could have otherwise . . .

    I am so glad you have a loving, supportive spouse. He surely cherishes you and doesn't want to lose you. He knows your value. ❤️

    And I loved your story about positivity! 😄

    When everything looks ominous, it is hard, if not impossible, to drum up some positive energy. Like you said, we have to keep it real, and yet remember that there is always hope. I just have to believe the Light, here or in the other side, is stronger than the darkness, and the despair

    Much love (and gratitude),

    CK

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Much love and gratitude to you CK! I hope you have had a good day today, and that you can have more in between now and your biopsy. It is so true that there is so much to learn in this process (if indeed this becomes your process... we don't know anything for certain yet!).

    I have indeed been incredibly fortunate in my life in that I found the love of my life. There may have been illness and other woes in my life, but I have had an amazing time. One of the best things I told myself on this cancer odyssey was to replace fear with curiosity. I have never turned down an interesting adventure, and I truly worked at approaching this like any other challenge with a "well, let's just see what happens." One truly never knows what is around a corner. There are things in my life I would have bet everything I had on and then things turned out completely unexpectedly. So my mantra for going through treatment was "Relaxed, brave, curious, and grateful." This is not to say I followed these concepts to a "t"... I have certainly been the opposite of all of them, often!, but I have been able to return to these feelings and words over and over and they hold me in good stead.

    Remember to try and have fun this week before and after your biopsy. I don't know what that might look like for you (fun that is) but the little things add up. And if you like music a good playlist can be very uplifting. We watched a lot of movies about fortitude and overcoming obstacles and it helped (and still does) a lot!

    Rest up, eat well, and know we are all out here cheering you on

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    I am just exhausted, couragement. Absolutely exhausted.

    You have an incredible attitude. Curiosity without fear, a sort of detachment, definitely seems like the right path to take.

    And I am so glad you have such a loving, devoted partner.

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Of course CK, I can well imagine the level of exhaustion. Rest up however you can, and don't worry about writing at all. I will be thinking of you this week with your biopsy.

    Steady on. Standing by to know how you are doing when and if you feel like it.

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  • beach2beach
    beach2beach Member Posts: 996
    edited July 2018

    CK24,

    Sorry you find yourself here, and hoping for the best that it is only temporary. What better things can I add to what you and couragement have already been discussing. Kudos to you on the fast. I could make it a day. :) Try not to let the dark thoughts, the "what if's" take control. It is difficult but being busy, trying to enjoy things does help make the time go by.

    Hope the biopsy goes quickly and painlessly and you get results quicker than the time you have had to wait to have it done!

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    Hello. Still cannot stop crying. 😢

    I had the biopsies today. The tech told me if she had the calcifications in her breast that I do, she would have it removed.

    Not expecting good news tomorrow.

    Breaking down a lot tonight. Keep thinking about my children without their mother. Almost cannot bear it . . . There has to be hope. But I don't think I can get there tonight.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    My oldest son got home from work tonight and held my hand and talked to me for 45 minutes. He has had cancer twice (at 10 and a relapse at 13) and knows some things about the psychological toll it can take. Talking to him really calmed me down. Very grateful for that

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Good morning CK,

    I am so glad you had your biopsy and I know today is the day to get the results. Steady on. Keep breathing, and worry not about holding it together. There is time for that later. Right now just do what you can do to put one foot in front of the next and gather your support around you. How amazing to have such a strong and loving son. Look at the strength and life you have raised so beautifully! Wow. You are clearly an incredibly strong woman.

    You WILL find hope, the light will come through this darkness, in both the places you most expect and in the places you least expect it. If you can, allow yourself to lean on your people and all those who are dedicating their lives to help... the doctors, the techs, the nurses. This is why they are there. They know how tough this is. All of us here to do. We are with you. Let us know how you are doing.

    Sending much love, support, and understanding.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    Thank you, couragement. (Such a beautiful name.) I feel like you are an angel of mercy in my life! God bless you! {{{}}}

    And thank you, too, beach2beach, for your kindness and encouragement. It really is comforting to have our pain acknowledged. 🥀

    Thank you, couragement, for the kind words about my son. I was so lost during his challenges. And I had so little hope. The odds just seemed so against us.

    And I had three boys younger than him, so it was not like I could just focus on him. And it was probably better that way. And my husband was in a different city, trying to keep a business going when it looked like it might shutter. We had many different priorities to juggle.

    But six years on from our son's relapse, our son is still with us.❤️

    My daughter offered for the younger boys and me to move in with her. She will be on the East Coast starting in Sept, right now finishing up a year for her company in Asia. She is such a comfort to me, such a calm, intelligent young woman, with such a bright future. She has been on one of the pharma teams working with a new drug, and is very excited about the possibilities for treatment in the future.

    She was the first bone marrow donor for our son, and the work her company does on these drugs is personal to her. It is not just a job. She knows these drugs can save people's lives.

    I wish I could just be selfless and not care about my own life. But I want to live, too!

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    Driving to get the results now. Keeping closely in mind your idea of having curiosity rather than fear, couragement. Thank you again for sharing that.

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Well done CK, making it to your appointment. I am standing by to hear how it goes. What a family you have raised. Fine children, and so engaged and loving. It really is a testament to you. Your strong desire to live is your life force and that life force wants to be there for your children. That is the most selfless thing there is, to want to be there for your loved ones. And they want the same. So it is a beautiful, natural dance, together.

    Sending love and prayers as I write.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    DCIS. No other details. Will know more after the surgery.

    Honestly, I am thankful. I know it could still be worse after the surgery. It could be much worse. But it also could have been much worse today, right out of the gate

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Okay, DCIS. Who knew one could be so thankful for that diagnosis right now! Time to rest and feel some relief having come this far. Do they have an idea for surgical dates or do you need to find your surgeon first? Don't even worry about replying. Just rest and be with your sweeties.

    Thank you so much for letting us know. Still sending strong love and positive energies your way!

    xoxoxo

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    We will meet with the surgeon on Monday.

    It must sound silly to be thankful for DCIS. But I was so afraid it would be worse. I guess in comparison, I just feel thankful.

    And it could of course be much worse when they get inside and actually take out tissue.

    But for today, I am thankful.

    And so grateful for your kindness to me these last few days, couragement. You appeared like an angel, and I cannot repay your compassion. I was drowning. And now I have taken a breath.

    Forever in your debt,

    CK24

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  • couragement
    couragement Member Posts: 114
    edited July 2018

    Aww CK,

    Thank you for your loving words. I am not an angel by any stretch, but an actual surfer, yes. We just happened to be out on a big wave day together and I was able to paddle over.

    I am thankful too. And grateful you have this time to catch your breath, and breathe in deeply.

    Sending much love.

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  • CK24
    CK24 Member Posts: 33
    edited July 2018

    Wow, a surfer! Cool!

    You must be from So Cal?

    Well, I got my courage up and started reading about DCIS today. Looks as bad as anything else, if you are symptomatic, as I am.

    Well, at least I got that breather

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