Single and dating without nipples
Hello everyone. I'm 54 and single, and I haven't tried to date since my BMX and reconstruction. I look great in clothes, but once the shirt comes off--there are no nipples (but a cool small tattoo on one foob). I'm just wondering if anyone has had experience meeting a guy (in person or online), going on a date, realizing you get along, realizing you'd like to take your shirt off, and what happens next? Do you tell him ahead of time? How does he respond?
I realized I've been hesitating on meeting guys or trying out a dating site because I don't know how to have that conversation. I would like to know others' honest experiences (if a guy freaked out, share it; let's put it all on the table and learn and be prepared).
What has your experience been?
Comments
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bump
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thanks for bumping this. Someone must have dealt with this before me? Someone that has gotten really good at explaining it? I was thinking of starting with: "So....I have Barbie boobs," since I think most guys grew up fantasizing about Barbies haha.
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Hi Ispy,
I'm sorry no one has responded. I did ask my DH what he would do because he is such a typical guy in every way. I'm a uni myself, and it's been a challenge for us physically at times. But his opinion was that if there was a second date, that would be a good time to bring up the BC Dx and its effects. He said, "not to be shallow or anything, but some guys would care..." and of course my response was, "well, that guy is one who isn't worth a woman's time. " I've always accepted my body's changes- as women perhaps we are more used to it, as our menstrual cycle gives us something different each month. And if you have children and breastfeed, well...so my feeling is that our bodies, perhaps less like a man's body, go through so much. And if a man can't accept the changes then send him along. There are others who are compassionate and kind.
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That is good advice Falconer, thank you.
I'm still interested if anyone has actually had the conversation... How to broach the subject with a new guy.
I have implants, so they "feel" like boobs, just no nipples. I mean, I can figure it out, but I thought this might have come up before and be a conversation! We'll see if anyone else chimes in.
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Hi Ipsy,
Let us know how it goes. You're brave! My fiance finally just saw my foob for the first time since my SMX 4 months ago. I think he was pleasantly surprised because he'd been expecting it to look worse.
I know it would be different with a new guy, but I would think as long as you tell them what to expect, they'll be fine with it. Like Falconer said, it's a quick way to screen out guys who aren't into you for the right reasons!
You mentioned it feels real? That's encouraging. I still have my TE and I don't like the way it feels at all.
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Oh yea the TE feels like you have a dining room table in there haha. The implant is normal feeling (mine especially took a long time to drop down and soften because my pec muscles are really tight). Do you still have a real nipple?
My friend, who is a comedienne (literally) said this when I mentioned worrying about nipples, etc: "And here I was thinking just today: we don't talk about nipples enough." hahahahahaha. I'm so used to just coming out and saying stuff on here I forget these subjects are a tad sensitive in the real world.
So anyway, do you have a nipple haha?
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Ipsy - You are brave, beautiful, and a BC survivor. You need to tell them this, maybe not at the first date, and if a guy is inspired by what you have gone through, and respect you for your strength, I am sure the sexy implants should be enough. I have nipples, but if I were single and dating again, (I am 54 & married to a bald guy with a belly) I would make sure the guy is real and would accept my perky BC breast and droopy healthy breast equally. Heck, I am sure I'll be dating bald guys with pot bellies so they can't be too picky either. If he is intrigued by your story, he would probably say, "so is everything ok now?" and you say, "Yes. Everything is great. I have very special breasts!"
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you are so right!! And it’s true: I’m 54 so I’ll be dating guys “over the hill,” too. Judge not and all that, right? I’m going with “I have Barbie boobs” haha.
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I’m not single but I asked my husband what he’d do in that situation, he said he’d ask why the one nipple was tattooed but. said he’d hope breast cancer would come up in conversation before the top came off. In that case he’d totally understand and be cool with it. He also said it would be a good way to weed out those who are not worthy of your time. Hopefully, you will not date an asshole, lol
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I asked another male friend (hope you don’t mind), he also said he’d hope this would come up before the top came off but if not he’d probably ask about it politely but wouldn’t be freaked out. Just FYI.
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illimai - You are hilarious! Ipsy - there you've got it. You need to give them your BC story and don't take your top off before you tell them
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illimai thank you! and I don't have any nipples -- I don't have tattooed nipples either. I had a BMX, so both are foobs. So I am full Barbie boobs. My tattoo is tiny, on my left foob, and it is a cherry blossom branch and has the Sanskrit symbols for Faith, Hope and Courage around it.
I would definitely say something before the top came off, because that would be a terrible time to find out he had a problem with it! I'm glad to hear the opinion of your husband and friend. I was kind of looking for advice on what to say: I was thinking of starting it with "so...I have Barbie boobs," and let them sit with that before I explained haha (because, of course, Barbie has no nipples).
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DH says what is said depends on how the date conversation goes but basically, “so, I’m a breast cancer survivor and I’ve had reconstructive surgery...”, Barbie sounds kinda cool too, I would throw that in for fun, lol
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Thank you illimae! The whole time I was going through surgery, etc., this sort of thing was obviously the least of my worries and frankly I still consider it silly. But I thought for sure someone who had gone through dating after bc would chime in. I can't imagine I'm the first? However, those dealing with the intricacies of life after bc may have moved on past the website. I haven't in fact been on the site in a long time. I see your diagnosis and surgery history and I'm like my question is so meaningless in the grand scheme of things; I'm just grateful I haven't metastasized and my biggest worry is how to explain nipple-less foobs. But I was thinking about putting myself out there for dating again, and I just wondered if anyone else had come up with a great line to break the ice on the conversation. So thank you for chiming in! How are things going with your treatment?
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Ipsy, everything has some significance, even what we deem smaller stuff. Personally, I would approach it with humor, like “so, about 2nd base...”
As for me, yes I’ve been though a lot but I still feel pretty good, I’m very lucky in that respect.
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Illimae, I'm glad. I looked at some of your posts elsewhere, and you really have some fun things planned--and isn't that what happiness is? Having something to look forward to? I didn't have anything to look forward to for a long time, and things are finally turning around. Even thinking "Maybe I might find someone to go on a date with," is a big move for me.
I see your diagnosis was after mine, which is probably why we haven't met on here before! I was pretty much off the site after my Exchange surgery in October 2015. Dear God it feels like yesterday but we're coming up on three years.
Oh by the way, my handle is I-Spy. People always read it as "ipsy" so you're not alone. I'm a private investigator so... get it? I spy.
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oh yeah, I get it, I hadn’t realized is switched the letters around, duh. I’ve always thought PI work would be fun, like the show Veronica mars only more adulty, lol.
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I've been married 27 years, but don't understand why it would be a big issue. You do have foobs after all. The tattoo seems cool. Btw, I got a nipple constructed on my bc side. Looks just like the real thing.
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My guy and I have been together for a few years but he prefers nipples as opposed to none. I use the temporary tattoos. I'm trying them out to see if the appearance of nipples make a difference to me. Mine is ok with what I have but to him the no nipples look is something he's having to get used to. I do think if a man really likes you and the emotional connection is there having no nipples would not scare him off. I mean would you bail on guy if you found out he had to take viagra?? LOL I would not discuss the issue until after a few dates to see if the man is even worth sharing that info with. I do believe we as women put way more emphasis on our appearance than men do. Seems to me this is a good way to judge his character.
Best Wishes!!!!!
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thanks everyone! I'm still curious if anyone has ever had "the conversation". Am I the only single and BMX recon no nipples girl?
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I have the same problem... I was diagnosed when I was 41 and going through a divorce.
I had a nipple reconstruction with skin grafting... the nipple completely flattened after a few months.
I just had a surgery 2 weeks ago and my doctor tried something that hasn't been done before:
Nipple reconstruction with cartilage from my ear. So far it looks good but waiting and see if it will flatten. If it doesn't, this might be a complete winner as the nipple itself feels real
In regards to how to approach the topic with a potential date, this has been a major issue for me also. I do not like to make a joke about, as it isn't one to me. Though I have no problem letting someone know that I had BC, the nipple part it makes me uneasy. This is why I'm not giving up on the nipple reconstruction part and neither is my doctor.
If what we did with this last surgery will work, that will be a first on the nipple reconstruction field.
By the way, I have had many people come to me and say “ well the right person wouldntcare"...
I wish they will stop saying it, it's not about the other person, it's about me and my confidence as a woman.
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Thank you for your thoughts, I understand how you feel. This is a sensitive subject and it is very personal. Every woman has to decide what is best for her. I am about ten years older than you, and I've always been very independent -- I've had great love stories but no marriages and no long term boyfriends. I've always just done my own thing and had what I would call "movie" romances -- heart pounding, earth shattering, "take me now" kind of love affairs. It means I've been alone through the bc journey, but a lot of women find themselves alone even when they were married at one point.
To be quite honest--and this is brutally honest--I have had a lot of sex and it has been great. At this point, I don't feel like going through surgery so that a guy has something to play with while we're having sex. The foobs and the fipples don't feel "real" to us women -- they might feel real to the guy, but not to us. They feel numb and awkward to us. So saying "they feel real", I have to ask -- they feel real to who? Not to me.
Now, that being said, at 54 years old with no ovaries I'm not desperate for a guy or to have sex right now. I'm busy with my life. In the past I have been VERY into sex, whenever I wanted, with whomever, as long as he was the handsomest guy in the room. At this point I feel like "meh, if I have time."
And the fact is, guys love Barbies; they all lust after their sister's Barbies. So the "I have Barbie boobs," is partially a joke idea and partially something that would appeal to them.
I am confident as a woman, with or without nipples, and even without boobs (sometimes the pain in my shoulders and back make me wish I hadn't gotten reconstruction). But then again, as I mentioned, I've had a LOT of sex. I'm good if there isn't a lot of sex in my future.
I hope that you get the fipples and foobs to look the way you want them to, because you deserve to have your body the way you want it. But I think that a guy that loves you and wants to be with you is going to care about all of this a lot less than you think.
I really was looking for ideas on how to talk about the subject with new guys, but I'm happy that the conversation has expanded to what it means to date without nipples.
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ispy - hey girl! Good to "see" you! Here is an old, but long, thread on being single and mastectomy. I didn't read it but there is bound to be some pertinent info in it I would think, and hope!
https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/99/topics/768339?page=1
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hi SpecialK! Long time no “see”! Thank you for the link I will delve in
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I am a 3x breast cancer survivor having had 2 lumpectomies and 2 years ago a bilateral mastectomy. This has spanned over 20 years. I just had expander/ implant swap surgery two days ago! I'm still all wrapped up!
For those who may not know, you can purchase silicone nipples on Amazon! Oh yes, Amazon! They are amazingly realistic-looking. I first looked at a pair in a "Look Good, Feel Better" shop for breast cancer survivors. I was able to look at colors and sizes. Voila! I then purchased them from Amazon! Anything to help me feel more normal, I'm all for it. Everyone ia different. I'm single also. Another way around is to get some very pretty bras and just leave it on.
I never realized how nipples are really in your face at the beach! I remind myself I am not my breasts or my nipples. If a guy does not want to be with me because I had breast cancer, then oh well! Men are like trains, a new one comes along every 5 minutes!
#itswhatsinsidethatmatters
Amazon Nipples - don't leave home without them! 😃
Regards...
Patti
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Hi Patti that is all very good advice! My question was more specific: What do you tell the new guy before you take your shirt off? He will certainly notice the nipples aren't real, or that you don't want to take your bra off.
I've decided to just say "Oh by the way, I have Barbie boobs. But you liked your sister's barbies, right?" and open the conversation that way haha.
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