Feeling more worried the closer my apt gets

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Ashtog
Ashtog Member Posts: 16
edited June 2018 in Not Diagnosed But Worried

hi again ladies. I just wanted to start by saying I think all you warrior women taking time to answer our questions and calm our fears/offer support is just amazing, especially while you’re all fighting this actual battle we’re so worried about right now.

My apt at the Breast clinic is 3 days away and the closer it gets the more panicky I feel. I keep going between “you’re making a big deal out of nothing and everyone’s going to be annoyed by ou wasting their time.” To “how could a lump, tethering even while arm raised and change in shape and a slightly inverted nipple be anything other than BC?” I feel like if it was just one or even two of those I’d have an easier time putting it out of my mind til the apt. Damn I sure would love to be wrong and eat crow.

I know I won’t know til I know one way or the other, but man today I just feel myself spiraling. And I haven’t consulted dr google in days.


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  • beach2beach
    beach2beach Member Posts: 996
    edited May 2018

    Ashtog,

    Know that the spiraling feeling is all too common. It's hard to keep positive, think for most our mind goes to dark places naturally. We fear the worst. Until you get it checked, keep trying to keep yourself distracted. There are other things it could be. Getting it checked out is the best thing you can do, and hey, if someone says..you came to me for this little thing? Well that would be a good sign wouldn't it. :) Many women post they found lumps themselves or by mammo/sono and need biopsies and they turn out benign. Let's keep looking that way for you. We are here for you, to support you no matter what. No matter what it is, you will get through it.

    Oh and btw, Dr. Google , no matter what he claims, he is NOT always correct.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    thank you beach2beach. I guess it’s true people tend to go dark before they really need to, definitely a survival instinct. I think for me.. I had a baby boy who was born sleeping at 39 weeks, and that was the last thing I ever expected. This feels like that in a way, where I just feel like I had the “it can’t happen to me” feeling there and I was so wrong, and now I have a hard time not expecting the worst because I was blindsided in that case. I feel like I need to do all the research (which is what pointed me here.) and it’s amazing reading about all of you strong women who are kicking cancers ass

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  • Lea7777
    Lea7777 Member Posts: 274
    edited May 2018

    You'd never be wasting anyone's time. The waiting is the worst. Research can help prepare you. Best wishes to you Ashtog.

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited May 2018

    Ashtog, I get it. I'm sorry you had to lose your baby. I lost my second child at 15 weeks, admittedly not the same thing, but it was completely unexpected and really rocked my world. I was blindsided. Nothing really horrible had ever happened to me before. In the days and weeks after, I was hyper-aware of all the dangers out in the world. It was as if blinders had been removed from my eyes, as though I had a new ability to "know" things.

    Anyway, I just wanted to throw you some support. You've already been through one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. Whether or not this is cancer, you will get through it.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    mustlovepoodles ugh I’m so sorry for your loss :( I personally believe a loss at any stage of the game is devastating, life changing. I don’t play the pain Olympics so yours means just as much as mine if that makes any sense? I know exactly what you mean though, it’s like this loss of naïveté. The belief that nothing bad will happen, or that everything will work out for the best. I definitely believe in making the best of bad situations, I now do photos of stillborn babies for free (I’m a photographer) and I do it in memory of my sweet Sawyer. But I don’t believe I was meant to lose him. I don’t know, it’s all so messy. Thanks for listening though and for the support. I don’t want to bring all these concerns and stressup to my husband because he’s worried enough and I don’t need to add keeping him calm to my list of things to do lol.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    lea7777 thank you

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited May 2018

    I don't think any of us were meant to lose a child. I'm sorry if my comment implied that. I guess in my clumsy way I was trying to say that once you've had such an experience, nothing else impacts you quite in the same way. As you said, it's the loss of our sense that everything will be okay.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    oh mustlovepoodles I didn’t get that from what you said at all! I was trying to say that while I personally don’t believe everything happens for a reason anymore (I used to until I lost my son) I do believe good things can come out of terrible situations. It was in no way a response to what you had said! And yes exactly that. There’s no belief that everything will be ok, because that one time it really really wasn’t.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    good morning warrior women (and men,

    My appointment is in an hour. Ultrasound at 9 followed by mammogram at 10:10. I’m nervous,but glad im getting in so quickly and hopeful I’ll know something today anyways. Regardless, thank you for all the comfort and support, and for sharing all your stories. I’ll update after, I won’t just ghost if it’s benign like I see a lot of people do.

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  • kmartin3243
    kmartin3243 Member Posts: 108
    edited May 2018

    Thinking of you! Sending you love and hugs from SC! Good luck!

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited May 2018

    Fingers crossed for ya, Ashtog.

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  • Ashtog
    Ashtog Member Posts: 16
    edited May 2018

    thank you so much everyone! I just finished and the radiologist came and told me right away it’s not cancer! She found a cluster of cysts behind my nipple she wants to ultrasound again in 6 months but otherwise believes the dimpling and shape is from nursing 5 babies!

    Thank you all so much for your support, I’ll be praying for you and I wish you all the best and all the strength to keep kicking cancers ass.


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  • kmartin3243
    kmartin3243 Member Posts: 108
    edited May 2018

    Awesome!!! So happy for you!!!

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited May 2018

    Hooray!

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  • Jannyjoslater
    Jannyjoslater Member Posts: 15
    edited June 2018

    So happy for you!!

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  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited June 2018

    Great news

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