Completely Scary Topic: How Do We Die?

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  • Mominator
    Mominator Member Posts: 1,575
    edited May 2018

    Hello Mags, and thank you for your kind words. 

    You may not have a lot of warning or time to prepare, and you're too sick and weak to do any physical preparation, but maybe there are some things you may want to do. Are all your financial documents and estate planning in order? Have you planned your final arrangements? Are there some sentimental items you wish to give to family or friends? Are there some things you wish you could do if you were feeling stronger?

    Perhaps you could get some things done with some help. Maybe family or friends could help you? Maybe there are some resources available (volunteers from high school or church or cancer centers)?

    Here are some thoughts from the person left behind. I really miss my Mom. I wish I had something tangible of hers, such as a piece of jewelry, that I could wear. We, (my siblings and I), were really concerned about Mom and Dad's health issues over the last several years. Our focus was taking care of both of them, as they were in and out of hospitals and rehab facilities. Mom and Dad were both in denial of the seriousness of their health issues. Mom and Dad were both paranoid about  "stealing our money" or "sticking us in a nursing home" if we could, plus Mom had dementia, which she and Dad hid from us. 

    I wish my parents were open and honest with us, and allowed us to help them more. My parents were unprepared every step of the way. We had asked my parents several times to get their financial documents, estate planning, and final arrangements in order. They didn't do anything except just basic wills. Their POA's and Medical Proxies were just for each other, without a secondary person. I tried to explain to my mother that the surviving person will be forced to make funeral arrangements for their late spouse, rather than discussing it together. Exactly that happened, as Mom was already on hospice (and her dementia prevented her from making decisions) when Dad and my siblings made the basic funeral arrangements. After Mom died, my siblings wrote the obituary, and I arranged the funeral music and readings. Our overriding question was always, "What would Mom have wanted?"

    Maybe other families are more prepared. I makes me sad that my parents didn't prepare, not let us help them prepare. 

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  • magdalene51
    magdalene51 Member Posts: 2,214
    edited May 2018

    Mominator, my mother had pre-planned and pre-paid everything except the obituary and the honoraria for the participants in the service. So we were very fortunate there. Last fall however, I was not so fortunate, as my DH died completely unprepared. I didn’t even have passwords to pay bills. Had to figure out everything for myself, make all the funeral arrangements, plan everything, all while continuing treatment. What a mess! I think the worst of it for me was the anger at the unnecessary complications, which greatly interfered with my ability to properly grieve the loss of my life partner of 30 years. More than 6 months later, I’m still dealing with some of the mess! We had no children together; my son is 48 now and very settled, so there was not that complication, but while I was actually in remission while all that was going on, my first scan afterward showed an explosion of mets in the lungs and bones, and as I’ve subsequently been dealing with this inflammation issue and not breathing well, I’ve also supervised moving to a new home (my first solo purchase), liquidating 30 years of accumulation, an estate sale, and now selling the old house - I get tired just thinking about what all is left. One of the first things I did last fall however was meet with an estate attorney and set up a trust to take care of my cousin (who is also my housemate and caregiver), as DH and I committed to when she first came to take care of me years ago. Ironically, she is 81, 14 years my senior, but she is still in good health and has a caregiver’s heart - a trait she obviously shares with you. Prior to the estate sale, I invited local family and close friends to help themselves to whatever they wanted, and gave a lot of stuff away. I still have way too much, but since I don’t know how long I have, or whether I will regain enough health to enjoy life again, I don’t want to be precipitous.

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  • magdalene51
    magdalene51 Member Posts: 2,214
    edited May 2018

    I had to close that post; when my keyboard can’t keep up with my typing, I know I’m in danger of losing the whole thing!

    I just wanted to add that I still have a lot left to do around here, and while my cousin is a huge help, I can’t ask her to do some of the things that need to be done. I have a wonderful support system, friends and family, church and work, and so many come to help out and spend time with me. Especially after the angina attack, which happened when my cousin was not at home, she’s been reluctant to leave me alone for very long, so I get to have “babysitters” which are always lots of fun. I also get home health nurse visits. And I spend a lot of time - way too much time! - on my iPad with BCO and FaceBook. And I have 2 dogs and a cat for amusement. Thankfully my cousin does the heavy lifting - I say she’s my majordomo, concierge, chief cook and bottle washer, and personal shopper all rolled into one. I’m thankful she will never have to worry about her living situation as the trust will care for her.

    Thank you for all the great suggestions and reminders. I nowhere near have it all wrapped up! But I’m doing as much as I can.

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