Unique (weird?) reaction to waiting. Am I the only one?
Comments
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Thanks, Run. I know you're right, but it's something that I've always struggled with. I've been told since I was a little girl that I'm too independent for my own good.
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unnedaklu, I totally understand. No, I don’t want a casserole. No, I don’t need sympathy. Just give me my control back! My surgeon at a recent appointment looked at my list of questions and said, “Give me your sheet of questions and I will go,through them with you.” Now this was a reasonable and kind thing for him to say, but my reaction was...”No, I’ll just keep hold of my paper and read the questions to you.” I later laughed when I realized that my reaction was that I didn’t want him to have control of my questions. We have lost control of so much that it is nice to have a firm grip on some things
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Hey, y'all - very happy to say that the pathology from the lumpectomy shows ADH, the same as the biopsy - nothing hiding. I have a follow-up with an MO since the ADH moves me into the high-risk club, and I need to complete my genetic testing, but my 6-month follow-up is already scheduled, and he's hoping not to need to see me before then. Phew.
Still trying to process that this was the best possible result. I feel like this last month has moved me into PTSD territory.
I know that not everyone waiting for results will be this lucky, but please know that I'm with all of you in spirit no matter where you land. This is a rollercoaster no one wants to ride.
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PraIrie -I want a casserole.
Uneedaklu - cheers & phew! Great news!
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I think all of us working through BC have some PTSD, minimal to full blown. The fact that there is no turning back once diagnosed, hits everyone differently.
HUGS!
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uneedaklu, WELCOME to the stoics club! I'm so glad you had good news. As the originator of this thread, I'm delighted that so many here have found comfort seeing so many others who didn't react in the "expected" way. I'm still undiagnosed. It's been a long road with three mammograms, two ultrasounds, and two bilateral MRIs in the past few weeks. My bilateral MRI guided biopsies are tomorrow and then another week or so and I hope to join you in the "Whew!" club! But whether you get good or bad news, the experience changes you I think. Certainly those who don't dodge the bullet have an entirely different experience than those of us who suffer a near-miss. I feel a little bad saying this, but I hope I can never fully relate to all these brave women who have been diagnosed with BC.
My husband and I went to the Texas Rangers / Yankees game last night in Arlington, Texas and it was BC survivors night. All those women--so healthy and brave--marching onto the field! It was amazing! I think they said there were 80 of them with their families. And the crowd went nuts standing and cheering and waving to them all. Then BC survivors sang the National Anthem. It was chilling in the good way. I have so much respect for all of you here who have fought and won! Good for you!! You are fierce!
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Deep - did the BC survivors march and anthem make your stoic slip a tad? Little ol’ misty eyed? We won’t tell anyone...promise!
My gawd lady, your experience in trying to get answers sounds like mine, seemed to take forever!! I was in MRI so often I went from claustrophobic to wanting to take coffee and magazines in to relieve the boredom! Seriously though, I’ll keep you in my thoughts tomorrow, sending positive vibes, and singing the Mary Tyler Moore theme....I will not be riding a bike though, there is a limit!
I know you got this, and we got your back!! Let us know how it goes! Almost there....Whew Club has a seat reserved for you
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DeepWaters, good luck tomorrow. I am sending positive thoughts your way!
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Egads007 and Rose Ginger,
Thanks so much for the well wishes! It's so kind of you to remember that I had my biopsies yesterday. My sweet, sweet hubby accompanied me down to MD Anderson this time around and boy am I glad he did! The on-line appointment reminder officially said I didn't require an escort but I can tell you, despite being a "tough cookie", as MD's wonderful staff kept calling me, I was in no shape to drive a few blocks much less the more than four hour drive it took to get home (traffic and thunderstorms). I was expecting something akin to my previous ultrasound guided biopsies but just with the help of MRI. It turned out a little tougher. (For those interested in details—I'll post a thread in "Waiting for Test Results" called My MRI Guided Biopsies Experience. I'll type that up shortly.)
I must say how WONDERFUL the people are at MD Anderson! Everyone I've ever encountered there from the parking attendants, to the information desk staff, to the check-in people, volunteers, gift shop staff, aides, techs, nurses, doctors, everyone, have always been cheerful, sensitive, helpful, reassuring, informative, supportive, and all around great people. And the great spirit in the people who work there actually puts the patients and their families in a better place—amazing under the circumstances! In particular, I am utterly grateful to a special angel named Angie in the MRI lab who struck that perfect note of funny but helpful and informative throughout the procedures but also a perfect amount of distraction as well. She is the reason I made it through the toughest portions of it all. Thanks Angie if you are reading this!!
So now I wait. With the Memorial Day weekend, I was told it would be Thursday or even Friday of next week before I hear back on the results of the non-mass enhancement on the right and the rim enhancing mass on the left. I'm told by Egads007 that I have a reservation waiting for me at the "Whew Club" and I believe I will be sure to show for that reservation! I still believe they are both B9 and the statistics are in my favor. As I told the doctor who performed the biopsies--Why borrow trouble? I'll worry when I know there is something definite to worry about. In the meantime, when it comes to trusting my gut on something like this, my motto is "trust but verify." She said it was a great approach and she was on board with it!
Thanks again for all the support. I'll be sure to share my good news when I get it!
Deep Waters
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I had a biopsy of a subclavicular node yesterday that I went by myself too. The nurse held my hand and it was so uncomfortable. I didn't want to pull my hand away but I didn't want to hold her hand!! I just wanted to look at the ceiling and think about something else. Then I was stuck holding her hand. Ugh. Stoic camp here too.
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If this happens again, I'm going to say thank you but no, I don't want to hold your hand! And wrench my hand out of her hand. Should have done that yesterday!
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I'm with you, Eagle. Don't hold my hand! Don't be nice to me! It breaks my concentration and makes me cry. Just let me lie there, biting my lip and staring intently at the ceiling tiles. THAT IS MY WAY OF COPING. Soft and fuzzy I am not. Give me a swig of whiskey and a bullet to bite!
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I have not been on here for so long that I had forgotten my password! But I love this thread. I went alone to all my appointments including 25 or something radiation appointments that involved a three hour commute. I simply did not want to have to console my companions. I have always felt that was weird of me and others thought so too. But I simply wanted to focus and worry about me. Thanks to all of you who understand.
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DeepWaters, I love your attitude! Although you must be exhausted, it has to feel good to have this part of your journey completed. Now more waiting...
I’m ready to twirl and throw my hat in the air (you know what I’m talking about Egads007!)when you get your results. I have fingers, toes, and anything else I can think of crossed for you.
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Me, too, TB90. My DH and my 23yo DD wanted to shave their heads and go to my chemo appointments. NO! Absolutely not! I don't want to be constantly reminded of my own baldness every time I look at their bald heads! And I don't need someone moping around my chemo sessions. I don't need a therapy pony or a bubble bath. I'm not 3. Just leave me alone and let me get through it MY WAY. And that includes not having to support anyone else in THEIR grief over MY situation.
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Readyornot and ThreeC, we truly are on the same page. To wit: "I respond to health crises with dark humor/cavalier outlook." Emotionally, I prefer to implode occasionally in tiny, 2 minute bursts like Holly Hunter in the movie "Broadcast News". It's efficient and gets the angst out so I can get on with things."
Yep. I'm a private person and an under-reactor. My docs (and my hubby) never have to worry about a meltdown or dramatics, however justified. I was never sick in my life until my first Adventure in BC around around 51. I quickly learned that I found other peoples' need to comment and advise and clutch at me with that "oh you poor, pitiful; thing" look SO invasive, obnoxious, and unacceptable! So, when I was diagnosed in 2015 with mets, I let a few close family members and a couple of friends know some fuzzy details and laid out some rules. I rarely send updates on my treatments or tests and I don't want to hear about any fab new diets that will cure my terminal cancer. I have a "don't ask" policy firmly in place. I promised that if there was a radical change that I would let them know (otherwise just assume that all is well), and I have done so with wacky dark humor ladled over more fuzzy details. It protects them and it protects me. (And, I do have a small, but great support system here within my immediate family + BFF should I need them.
)Strangers are a different kettle of fish. I just lost my hair again and I plan to go *au natural* as much as possible, because I live in one hot and steamy (understatement) city along the Texas Gulf Coast. I have all sorts of plans for unwanted intrusions into my private life in a public setting. If they walk away thinking "What a bitch!" my work will be done. Don't get me wrong, I understand that some people are driven by kindness, but we also have a rah rah sis boom bah breast cancer culture that leads everyone to believe that all cancer patients want you to be on their team! I DON'T WANT A TEAM. I want to look at the cashews in the store and ponder whether I can afford them, not hear about some fab shampoo that I must try for hair loss. I want to go the the vet and talk about my sick critter, not about your cousin's mother who lost her hair and how traumatic it was how long it took to grow back. I want to go to the dentist for a cleaning and talk about anything but your grandmother who was "all burned up inside" by chemo. I want to go to a dinner party and not be seated by another person with cancer, "so y'all can talk." NOPE.
Yes, these all happened. The thing is, we think about cancer all of the time. It's like a neon ticker tape that constantly scrolls across our consciousness. I welcome any occasion that distracts me from that reality.
I'm pushing 66, and although I am generally a nice, funny, and kind gal, patience is NOT my long suit. Thankfully, humor is!!!
Seriously, let me enjoy my enchiladas in peace or there will be trouble.
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Mustlovepoodles wrote "I don't need a therapy pony or a bubble bath. I'm not 3. Just leave me alone and let me get through it MY WAY. And that includes not having to support anyone else in THEIR grief over MY situation."
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! I think I love you.
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Kattysmith,
I totally get it! I know exactly what you mean. I am undiagnosed (awaiting 2 biopsy results at the moment) and I hope to remain undiagnosed. But what I do know is that should I endure what so many of you have, I think for me one of the worse aspects will be the lack of privacy that sometimes comes with BC.
I remember ages and ages ago when I was a very young looking pregnant wife, I'd get so tired of the well meaning advice and questions from strangers. I had a very slender build and by about 5-6 months along no one was at all shy about the "When are you due?" kinds of questions. Sometimes, just to avoid the conversation about what I considered a very personal subject, I'd just look terribly offended and say, "I'm NOT pregnant!" and storm away. When my best friend suggested people would think I was in serious denial I decided to have even more fun with it. When a stranger would ask me when I was due, I'd look confused, then shocked and say, "Oh my God! That explains it! Oh my God, I'm pregnant! Do you really think so? What am I going to do!? My parents are going to throw me out of the house. Do you really think I might be pregnant?" and that kind of thing! It was hysterical watching people panic as they thought they'd broken the awful truth to me. I'd walk away pretend crying and mumbling about how they were going to kill me. LOL
I think if I ever have to face a bald head I may just do the same thing.... "Cancer? Why on earth would you think I have cancer?" and then "Bald? What do you mean I'm bald? (feeling my head) Where the hell did my hair go!?" LOL
(Note to those without a sense of humor--I know cancer is serious and that you may not find this funny. But this thread is geared towards those of us who have a very different reaction to serious challenges than you might. Please don't chide me and tell me I have no right to amuse myself with this kind of imaginary stuff. It's how I am coping with the difficult wait. Thanks for understanding!)
Deep Waters
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LOL, you are so wicked, Deep Waters. You need to come sit by me. I have Mojitos...
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Mustlovepoodles-- I'm in! I'm a dog person too!! DW
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lol deepwaters!
Reminded me when I was pregnant and people always would ask, “Do you know what you’re having?” My reply- “puppies.”
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Cpeachymom-- You must be younger than me! When I was expecting no one ever asked the sex. Ultrasound was still a fuzzy mess and they got the sex wrong as often as right on those things back then. If you don't believe me, just ask my daughter, "Spencer"! LOL (She ended up being an Amy). Our "reveal parties" were called childbirth! Ha ha
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When I was in delivery the nurse kept saying “WE have to hold back, WE can’t push yet” “WE are giving birth soon , WE must push” all said in that phoney calming tone. How the hell she figured WE were about to push a football sized object out of MY vagina I’ll never figure out. P’d me off so bad I wanted to drop kick her across the hospital parking lot. WE...sheesh
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DeepWaters, LOVE IT! I'm thinking if someone comments on my bald head, I'll ask them some VERY personal questions in return! My hubby will probably be hiding under the table! As we say in Texas, "Katy, bar the door!"
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Katty - I had someone ask (in front of a large group of people) “what’s with all the hats?” Almost forcing me to explain I was going through chemo. You’re right, I should of asked him something deeply personal...related to the body, you get my drift.
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My mother once snatched my hat off my head to show her hairdresser my bald head. I had about a 1/2" growth of hair and Mother wanted the lady to "do something" with my hair. Ugh. No filter. All I could do was stand there and take it (we found out later that Mother had early dementia.)
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Deepwaters- funny thing is, I didn’t find out for any of them. I didn’t want to know. This last one, the overnight delivery nurse stayed on past her shift because she “needed to know!”
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Don't often post these days but I was interested to see this thread as I have always felt a bit guilty. I have suffered from anxiety for a long time and was super stressed out at work when I got my DX. My first reaction was "now I have an excuse to get time off". Isn't that weird. Never thought I was going to die, at least not immediately. Stopped taking the AI after a few months as I was not concerned enough to deal with side effects and wanted QOL.
At the 2 year 3d mammo I was told I needed an ultrasound and extra images. While waiting I was a little nervous but thinking that if it was cancer again I would have to organize treatment around my vacation as I was so looking forward to it. I get so nervous and anxious about all sorts of things but not this, other than the billing systems that drive me crazy. Maybe its in part because of my age, maybe because many friends and family members died younger than me or maybe I just have a PHD in denial!
As I said I feel guilty because I think I ought to have been scared but I just wasn't, maybe just a little nervous, and I feel terrible for all the women who are so terrified about what they are going through.. I actually felt bad for my PCP who gave me DX over the phone. She is a lovely lady who hated being the bearer of bad news.
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Y'all are my people. I am sooooo in the right place on this thread!
While I came out of this part of the odyssey with a diagnosis of only ADH (thanks, Universe!), I still have to deal with the genetic counselor and the tamoxifen question with the MO (tomorrow morning, in fact). The very few people who've been privy to this saga have asked what I think I'll do if the genetic testing comes showing that I have a mutation. My answer was "If that happens, this sh*t is ALLLLLL going away. Time to eject and hopefully get a tummy tuck out of it at the same time!"
The reactions to that statement ranged from a thumbs up to complete mortification at the cavalier way in which I am approaching life-changing surgery.
And my response to that is "It's MY life, and if this isn't handled with MY approach, on MY terms, I'll end up with regrets, which is not something I can afford in this situation."
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Ladies you have given me a couple of great laughs tonight. Just as I was ending my thirty some odd sessions of radiation, my RO mentioned I would probably not have to shave under my left armpit again due to the radiation! I said wait, are you telling me these sessions cause a permanent lossof hair growth? She said yes, for some people. I said, Where can I sign up for four more sessions. I want my other underarm & both legs to be permanently hair free! I hate shaving my legs! We both sat there and laughed...
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