Fears and uncertaitanties being single and stage IV

Vilma65
Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
edited May 2018 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

I would love to hear from other women who are single and on stage 4. I find myself worrying a lot about finances and being able to take care of myself and my kids when the time comes and I may need help on daily tasks and need to stop working. I also feel lots of sadness thinking that I'll provably will be alone for good (stage 4 being not great selling point 😊). Is that part of my life over and done?

Being alone and sick feels like a very vulnerable place.




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  • josgirl
    josgirl Member Posts: 231
    edited May 2018

    absolutely feel you. I have dated after stage 2 diagnosis but the stage 4 symptoms started pretty shortly in and he was crazy (jealous to a nutty point being going berserk about my gown not being perfectly tied after my brain surgery!) so the relationship took a huge toll on me where now that I finally broke it off with him a year plus ago (hard to muster strength to get someone to leave who doesn’t want to) I have no desire to deal with that again and too tired to focus on anything but my wonderful 6 yr old daughter and my job. Also menopause has killed any urge I would have had. The vibrator has been in the drawer for over a year. So I feel you.

    Josgirl

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    Josgirl, that sounds horrible! no wonder you don't won't to date. I don't have the mood or the energy to date either but the idea of being alone when I'll need support really scares me. What will happen if this monster comes to such a debilitating state when I won't be able to do things, take myself to the doctor, cook, clean, when I need a helping hand?

    You daughter is still so young, that must be really hard...My kids are almost grown, 2 of them still live with me, and I know that they will be there for me, but I will hate to put them through this.



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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited May 2018

    I can relate... although I do not have children. I too wonder what is going to happen later down the road.. but then I stop myself. I will deal with it and figure it out then.. I’m not going to waste the good, independent years I have worrying about that. I have a very strong faith and know that somehow, it will all work out. I do understand where you are coming from through.. I went through 3 surgeries, 4 chemos, 28 radiation treatments years ago alone... and last year went through a spinal fusion, 14 more radiations and a stage iv diagnosis alone. It’s hard

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  • Celebrate_Life
    Celebrate_Life Member Posts: 103
    edited May 2018

    Josgirl, I am also single but with 2 grown kids. Both are very busy with their life's. I divorced when my ex couldn't handle my brain tumor and then I found the b re a st cancer at stage iv. I didn't want to deal with the extra baggage of a partner relationship, so I don't look. So I have found my support in my church, my pickleball friends, and a crafts group I participate in. I have been just as happy now then when I was married and less stress. I also think about what am I going to do when ...., but try to come up was game plan or choose to deal with it when it happens. I feel the important part is to be happy and celebrate life each and every day.

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    finallyoverit , you went through so much! I admire you ability to have faith and stay in the present. It is currently one of my hardest challenges. Even though I feel good health wise and still working full time , especially in the nights, my mind wonders to dark future places.

    Celebrate L, good reminder that having a partner doesn't always make things easier and to hold on to the people that chose to stay in our lives though the most difficult times

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  • gonegirl
    gonegirl Member Posts: 1,871
    edited May 2018

    It is scary. I asked anyone I could think of for help. I worked hard to ask several different folks so didn't burden one person. My nephews have both been a huge help. I wish they were closer. I did get married after being diagnosed Stage IV. I work hard to stay financially independent (it's my thing). I think if I had to choose between having children or a husband, I'd choose children. Relationships are tough. We basically do ok but on a bad day, like today, it takes an emotional toll.

    One thing I did was doing the aging at home organization. Cheap to join and volunteers helped with basic stuff. Once it got real bad, I figured I would have to move closer to family. It was a lot of work asking for help when I was single, but ultimately I got such a feeling of love that folks were willing to help, and so many were willing to help.

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    Gonegirl, curious about you getting married after stage IV diagnosis, were you dating or together before the diagnosis or did you start dating after? reading your post I realize that many of my fears are connected to being so far from my family having immigrated to Canada, I do have good friends but never mustered the skill of asking for help :) . My kids are the biggest gift of my life and I wish I could some way protect them from all this happening and one of the biggest worries is that they will be the ones that will care for me when the time comes. I have friends that had to take care of their moms' dying from cancer and is heartbreaking

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  • LoveFromPhilly
    LoveFromPhilly Member Posts: 1,308
    edited May 2018

    single and age 41 here - no kids! I am very lucky that I am living in the same building as my still alive but very white-haired parents (in their 70s) who are my primary caregivers. I worry about what will happen if something happens to them. It puts an awful pit in my belly. Thankfully I am in my hometown and have best friends here and my siblings have all moved back too. So even though I live alone, I feel surrounded by lots of love.

    Dating: yup - the vagina has basically shut down for business. I had sex last week with an old lover and it hurt 😢 I bled. The tissues have weakened. Gonna try a gentle estrogen vagina cream to try and help “plump things back up.” As my Onco said last week at my monthly appointment. Fingers crossed!

    I am dating someone who knew me right before I was diagnosed de novo stage 4. He’s all about being together. I don’t know that I have the energy to give what it takes or what I’m used to giving in the past to make it work. Relationships are WORK. He seems just fine with me being hot and cold 😂 I can’t seem to scare him off lol!!!!

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  • blainejennifer
    blainejennifer Member Posts: 1,848
    edited May 2018

    Dear LoveFromPhilly,

    Oh, sex. I remember sex, as if it were part of another life. After a total hysterectomy, and numerous bone lesions, I have fond memories of sex, but it's not anything I would cross the street to do. My spouse is very patient. Sometimes, even cuddling is hard because I need to fidget a bunch to keep various limbs from going offline. I wish I felt "European" enough to tell him to get his needs met - I just don't want to know. The truth is that it would break my heart if he dallied. I even have a hard time imagining him with a new partner after I am gone (frankly, I am mad with jealousy that she will have the time with him that I want). But, that is my own rabbit hole, not yours!

    I asked my MO about a topical estrogen cream as my lady parts can chafe from just wearing underwear. He felt - VERY strongly - that no patient who is ER/PR+ should even be in the same room with estrogen. OK, I might be exaggerating, but it was a total No Go.

    What have other people here experienced in reference to topical estrogenic preparations?

    In the meantime, I've heard that folk have a lot of success with plain old coconut oil. It warms up just right at body temperature, has no taste implications, and is fairly inexpensive.

    Your budding partner seems like a cool human, who wants you for who you are - no muss, no fuss. That sounds kind of . . . sexy.

    Take care,

    Jennifer

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    Dear LovefromPhilly, thank you for making me laugh, I wish I had the chance to check if I'm open for business or not :) not even close to that. Dating for me is a bit complicated, it is something that I have to actually pursue and look for since I work only with women co-workers and in a client relationships that would make it unethical to date.

    My parents are in their eighties but I would definitely feel safer if they were around in case I needed them, other than me women in my family live long and healthy years, I'm just lucky that way .

    It sounds to me that you have a good one there, in our situation we need only one that gets it that he may be needing to do more of the work and be there for you for support and not adding stress.

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited May 2018

    I am single too, with adult children who live near by. Although I would love to have a partner, I really don't have the time or energy to "work" on a relationship. My plate is already quite full. My efforts and emotions go into my existing relationships and a job that I love. I wouldn't object to someone coming into my life, but I have little motivation to seek it out. I really don't feel as if I'm missing out on anything.

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  • LoveFromPhilly
    LoveFromPhilly Member Posts: 1,308
    edited May 2018

    Jennifer - I truly don’t know what I would do or feel if I were in your shoes and in a marriage. I can really understand wishing to be more European or French about having a mistress and then how devastating that would actually be. I haven’t felt that kind of feelings toward a partner in years, but I can remember feeling this way when I was head over heals in Love with someone. So maybe that means you are really deeply in Love with your husband! :)

    Vilma65- glad to give you a chuckle!

    Fingers crossed with the Premarin Cream. Just tried first dose and am now of course googling all the scary side effects and freaking myself out!! 😳🤔

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  • gonegirl
    gonegirl Member Posts: 1,871
    edited May 2018

    Vilma. I met my husband after diagnosis. We met through match.com. I have a very hard time asking for help but forced myself due to my circumstances. A few told me it was nice that I met my husband, that I had someone to care for me as I got more ill. I would tell them I did not hire him for that, to be a nurse. I do not want to put anyone through caring for me as I suffering toward the end. I live in DC and worked hard to get right to die laws passed here (I was their face of death, testifying, etc). I am grateful to have those laws in place so that I don't have to suffer at the end, or make my loved ones suffer.

    I hired the husband for companionship and sex. My libido ain't strong, but I make do. And coconut oil does work wonders.

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    Gonegirl, I know that my posts sound like I want a nurse more than a partner, these are my fears talking and wanting to spare my kids some suffering. In reality what I want is not to give up on that part of my life including sex , companionship, intimacy.

    Luckily in Canada we have the right to die as well, and when the time comes I'll for sure take advantage of that, I'm grateful and admire people like you that fought for that right .

    Before that I may have hard times when I'll have difficulties getting out of bed, cooking, doing groceries, getting my medication from the pharmacy, needing a hug and reassurance, a steady hand to help me walk... I would love to have that person that I don't need to call and ask and when I'm suffering and somebody to cry with. (sadly been very good at doing it with friends , learning though ;) ) . I hate the fake positivity around cancer but if something I'm slowly learning from it is to reach out and ask for help.


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  • FaithsMama
    FaithsMama Member Posts: 126
    edited May 2018

    Vilma65; I hear ya!! I had given up on those parts of my life, for years. I have been shut down and miserable feeling like those parts of my life were over. Wondering what there was to look forward to without companionship to share it with. But also worry about the practical things of who will be available for me in those delicate times that you mentioned.

    I have recently met someone I enjoy being with. I now have renewed hope in intimacy being part of my life again. Then bam, this diagnosis.

    I’m glad you are learning to reach out for help. It’s very important!


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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    FaithsMama , thank you for understanding, it makes me feel less alone. No having a special person to share things with in life it's hard, but much harder now that I feel like it may not be in my cards anymore, I feel like cancer is taking important things in my life piece by piece. Your story makes me hopeful, and I'm so happy for you and hope that this relationship turns to be what you want!

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  • singlemom1
    singlemom1 Member Posts: 434
    edited May 2018

    It is helpful to read that other women have similar feelings. I am a single mother of a 12 year old girl. I am her only parent as her father is not involved. My parents are both deceased. I was diagnosed 9 months after my mother's traumatic death( don't even get me started on my thoughts of stress and this cancer returning). I have also had many scary nights thinking what would happen if I got very sick. Who would take care of me? I have one brother out of state that has his own issues and really can't be there for me at all. His wife would come down for an emergency but nothing on a regular basis. I have friends but they have their own lives and families. I do not want my daughter to be responsible to care for me. That is not fair to her and is too much of a burden for her. I think about a relationship and wanting a companion in life. I get sad if I think that might not happen again for me. But on the other hand I feel a real difference in my motivation since I was put in menapause and I don't know if I have the the energy to put into a relationship. The additional work to meet someone ok with my diagnosis is even more overwhelming and honestly don't want to feel a lot of rejection right now in my life. My focus right now is my daughter and trying to give her all my love and the best life possible. But I do know that it is her "job" to become more and more independent from me as she continues to grow up. I of course will support her with that but deep inside I also fear this and how I will be even more alone.

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    Singlemom1, I can totally identify with you, the fear of being alone and a burden and causing heartache to my kids are the issues that are most on my mind and not solution to them, doesn't matter how much I try to find one. The only thing that works for me is trying to bring myself to the present and deal with the things I can today. Same as you I don't see myself seeking a relationship the fear of rejection and the effort that it takes , that it's totally over my capacity to handle at the moment. Also a new relationship would take of time that I would like to still have with my kids. Still the thought of not experiencing romance, intimacy, sex and just a safe and comforting companionship seems like such a big loss, I crave these things so much...

    My kids are older than your daughter. My oldest is away in the states at university, and my two youngest 20 and 17 still live at home. When my oldest son 24 y/o heard that I had mets in the liver he wanted to come back and even spoke with his adviser (he is doing his PhD) to find a way to continue his degree by distance. This really broke my heart and although I would love to have him here with me, I want him to have the life he deserves. His adviser agreed, but I know that being here will mean missed opportunities and experiences and that will be more painful to me that having him away. I got him to agree not to come back yet promising that if and when thing go downhill we will have this conversation again and see then what is the best decision at that moment.

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited May 2018

    I'm also the single mom of older children. I have two dd's 28 and 34. My older dd, the mother of my oldest grandchild is divorced and essentially a single mom herself. Younger dd is married with a 2 year old and a 2 1/2 month old. Both live near me and despite the fact that i didn't want to burden them, as adults they would have been upset if I hadn't let them help me. They felt very strongly, that that is what family is all about and they know that the future may not be pretty. Clearly the situation is different if you have younger children.

    Right now I have no interest in actively pursuing a partner. I wouldn't say "no" if it just happened, but I've got a relaxed, satisfying life and I have become used to doing whatever I want without having to consult a partner. But... you never know!

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  • Vilma65
    Vilma65 Member Posts: 111
    edited May 2018

    exbrnxgrl , good reminder that that is what family is about. It seems that by becoming so protective of our kids we may take from them the opportunity to do what their heart says is the right thing to do, and feel a part off, even in the hardest of times. I love that your daughters are so clear about it, you raised them well! . If the time comes and my son is still at school I will agree for him to come back home and continue his school from a distance. I still hope to be healthy and feel good for long enough so he can finish school so he doesn't miss out.

    My daughter 20 y/o was planning before diagnosis to go to school in another country as well but a while ago she changed her mind and decided to stay and study here, she says that it is so his degree is recognized and that she will go abroad for her masters. I highly suspect that she made her decision based on me. She refuses to talk about cancer and my diagnosis and I respect that this is the way that she can deal with this for now. In her case I felt good about her staying, I didn't like the idea of her going away to a country that is not so safe and feeling that she is still too young for it. I still feel sad though about my illness being a factor in their lives decisions.

    Wouldn't it be great if we already had a partner with all the relationship stuff sorted from the let go that required no effort, work or grief

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited May 2018

    Thank you, vilma. I think I'll keep both dd's! It is tough to see ones children adjust their lives when we become ill, but most maybe not all) adult children want to be there to help their families. I think they want to be an active part of the situation and they really love and care for their parents.

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