Guilt and sadness

Magnolia - your sadness breaks my heart. Yes, it is a difficult time and your feelings are normal. But please try to get rid of the guilt, because this is NOT your fault. This horrid disease is sneaky and blindsides us all.

I applaud you for seeking out a therapist who is a good match. Maybe through the hospital you are getting treatment there is a support group? No one can truly understand what this experience is like except for others who are dealing with it.

I know that statistics are just that and we are each just a statistic of one. But with that being said, the size of your tumor is not the only factor for prognosis. Mine was only 1 cm, but was an aggressive TN tumor. My point is that your prognosis can be very good despite the size of your tumor. Talk to your MO.

I believe once you get further along and get support, you'll feel happiness again. You deserve it and your children deserve it. This is life - this day. Don't let this crap disease rob you of it. I know it is so hard, but come here when you need support.

Hugs.

Hi, Magnolia,

I feel so much of what you feel. The guilt especially. I was going along fine in stage II land until my surgery. Came out of surgery with 15 positive nodes. FIFTEEN! How did that happen? How did I not catch it? My lump wasn't insignificant - I should have felt it sooner. And I had had my gynecological exam with the nurse practitioner three months before my diagnosis - how did she not feel it? (Going to a different doctor next time - I don't trust the old one anymore.)

The guilt is so real for me. I know I didn't cause this, although I did everything I could to feed it - I'm ER+ and I had the Merina IUD for years plus I was on hormone replacements to deal with the menopause. (I'm 56.) I knew the risks of HRT, but it wasn't going to happen to me - there's no breast cancer in MY family. Well, yeah there is - and it is me. The hardest part about the guilt is that no one really gets it. I talk to my husband and my sisters and they all answer that it isn't my fault, but underlying it is a sense that it is my fault.

And I'm in therapy too - I talked through the guilt somewhat, but it hasn't really helped. I still feel it deep down inside.

Re therapy - I'm on my second therapist. The first wanted to deal with the PSTD of cancer, but I'm still in the middle of it so I'm not ready for that. The second therapist is a breast cancer survivor - that has really made a difference.

The other thing about my second therapist - we have done a lot of work on positive thinking, body awareness, how to come down from the high stress/anxiety place, body relexation, etc. That has really been key for me. The positive thinking helped me get through the surgery - I healed relatively quickly. And the positive thinking is helping with chemo - I'm doing pretty well with all the side effects.

But the main thing is - we are not terminal. It's that simple - we are not at this point terminal. We have cancer. We have treatments that are pretty effective. Am I terrified that this is going to come back as Stage IV? Totally. But it comes back as Stage IV for people that are stage I and II too. So stage III isn't the automatic way to Stage IV. We need to cling to that.

My oncologist wanted to use an internet tool to give me a percentage of 5 year survival for my type of cancer and my statistics. I told him no thanks. I can't do that. Even if it is as good as stage II, I feel like the numbers have gone against me this whole journey. I went into surgery with a breast surgeon who almost didn't send the sentinel node for immediate pathology - she was pretty convinced that the clinical trial I had done had been successful with the lymph nodes. Well, it wasn't, obviously. It shrunk the tumor, but the lymph nodes were still having a hayday. So there's also some guilt in that - maybe I shouldn't have done the clinical trial....

We have to be compassionate to ourselves. It isn't easy.

One day at a time. When I have a bad day, emotionally, I let myself have that bad day. But I try to leave it to one bad day.

Take your 3 year old out for a walk. Spend some time outside your house. Get a tiny bit of exercise. Try to be in the moment with your children. One day at a time.

And let me know how you are doing.

Hugs,

Linda

I'm not Stage III either, but thought this cartoon says it all. I used to live in fear after my diagnosis, but 7 years out those feelings are a distant memory. Hugs Magnoliamom

Hi Magnolia,

I feel that psychological toll this disease takes on us is much harder to endure than any physical pain. I also had some guilt: I was diagnosed at 40, and was recommended to get a baseline mammogram 5 months prior to feeling the tumor. I procrastinated getting it done, because I didn't have any family history and considered myself "low risk" (had children early, breastfed, ate right, not overweight etc). Well, having low risk just means the probability of getting BC is lower. My tumor grew very fast, my KI 67 was 40% on biopsy. The number weighed heavily on my mind because it's a bad prognostic factor. However, I feel like you can turn this around and say that no matter what your odds are according to tumor size, LN involvement etc. this means just that - the probability of recurrence is higher, but it's just a probability. So don't think about leaving your kids without a mom.

We are not statistics. Each of us is an individual. I know it's hard to see through the fog, especially during chemo. I remember several days while on AC when I sat on my bed and thought "is this treatment even worth it?" Luckily I was able to recognize this as chemo-related depressive episodes and move past them. But it's not surprising that dark thoughts swim around in your head, especially while you are still in treatment. Neoadjuvant chemo is also very hard psychologically, because you don't know for sure if it's working, how well, and where you will end up after surgery.

But take comfort in knowing you are doing everything possible. Your surgery date will come and you will have some clarity. I'm pretty sure you will feel mentally better after surgery is done.

It's a good thing that you are searching for the right therapist. Look for other things that can make you feel better - both physically and emotionally. I tried a lot of things - yoga, acupuncture, I saw a therapist, I even did something that may sound a bit extreme to those who don't believe in alternative/complementary treatments. It's called craniosacral therapy and it helped me tremendously in becoming calmer and accept my present. I had Ativan prescription and I took it when I needed it. I tried to stick to not more than 2-3 doses per week, and sometimes I went weeks without it. I found it worked better in the beginning, so I was careful about not increasing the dose or taking it more often. However, my husband still calls it a "miracle drug" because once anxiety was removed I was a completely different person. He was shocked when he first saw me taking it. I went from a complete wreck to a normal person within 15 minutes.

It doesn't matter what you do as long as it is working for you. But keep looking for that - whether it's the right therapy, lifestyle change or whatever. Sending you hugs.