Never Thought I'd be Back Here . . .but Here I Am

Gussy

Thank you for your reply. I needed to hear your words. My husband caught the first train home and when I emailed him I didn't know where to start and didn't think I could do this again - he zapped me a message back that said:

We are NOT giving up. You are young and strong and you can beat whatever the hell this is. You must believe that.

This time around my kids aren't babies and we want to protect them but if this is going to be a chronic thing for me . . then all hands will have to be on deck. And my kids are awesome.

Thank you so much again.

Hi Mc16 and everyone

It's gotten crazier here and but better. Because I was placed into the Rapid Assessment Clinic - things are moving quickly. But never quickly enough. You know how it is.

I went to see a thoracic surgeon on Monday. He was very reassuring. He walked in and said "I'm the one who will help you figure out what this is and fix it." I am not kidding. But there is so much more. I will summarize it as best as I can. He first told me Do You Know Why You Are Here? Never the wallflower, I replied. I volunteered for a chest x-ray and because I had TN Breast Cancer almost 6 years ago - all hell broke loose and here I am. He laughed and told me my assessment was bang on. I then told him I have been coughing since December and NO ONE wants to hear about that. He again laughed and said to tell him the details and I explained how I was sick before and during Christmas. Everyone was. Then I was better but insanely sick again the first week of February. Fever of 102.9 at one point. I then went on a cruise and my kid stepped on and broke my little toe. That caused my gait to go out of whack the pain moved from my back to my hips and from my ribs to the other side of my body. A right rib was "out" then it went back in and a left rib "went out".

His response: God, you poor woman. Let's figure this out and get working to get you back in action." Hmmm I'm liking him now but not ready to "commit" if you know what I mean.

Then we went through the details. First he said that nothing on the CT scan he had seen or chest x-ray he saw looked "untreatable". Despite my husband's challenging him numerous times . . .there is a 3cm "cyst" or something on my left kidney that wasn't there 5 months ago. He believes it's a "complex cyst" and I had the CT scan to show it more clearly to him on Thursday. My husband argued what if it's kidney cancer - he responded easily treatable with immunotherapy. Then I have nodules in my lungs which are little tiny ones dispersed over both of my lungs and accompanied by a very large lymphnode between my lungs and smaller enlarged ones on each lung. My husband said "what if it's lung cancer?" The doctor said "treatable". What about a recurrence of breast cancer? First, he told me that usually people with metastatic cancer are not going to the gym multiple times a week, hiking and running around three kids. Because we wouldn't take thtat as an answer . . .the doctor told us that 1) I was almost 6 years out and had been discharged by the cancer center more than 2 years ago. He knows my breast surgeon and told me "she knows her stuff - if she said you were good to go then you were." He knows my former oncologist - who also told me that I wasn't a good candidate for a double mastectomy because "you are good" - I went for the double and a DIEP Flap reconstruction. He told me my former oncologist also knew his stuff. He then told me that if it was breast cancer even another go around with TNBC - it would be likely beconsidered a "new primary" since TNBC is now known to recur mostly between years 2 and 3. He also said BTW, people who manage to beat a cancer successfully in terms of years clear are now strangely known to have a more successful outcome with a new cancer. It's some weird twist of fate. He also said breast cancer is now "a chronic disease" if it is a recurrence. We asked him about the "lump" I had removed from my lower back the prior week which was suspected at one point to be a lipoma and he said "I'll look at it and if it changes anything I want to do - I'll let you know." He hasn't been in touch yet. And . . .I'm liking him a bit more . . .

So then he draws a nifty picture of my lungs spots and huge lymph nodes (which causes my husband to turn green and hate him) and says he's wants me to undergo an endobronchial ultrasound/scope where he will look at everything and biopsy anything that looks weird. I'm doing that tomorrow afternoon. He said he assumes the big lymphnode in the middle will tell us what we need to know.

He then says "You are going to be around a long time - so let's get this done." And now I'm in madly in love with him. Not once in the history of my breast cancer treatment did anyone ever say that to me. He told me that usually when a woman shows up and has a big lymphnode in the middle between her lungs and little spots all over her lungs it's sarcoidosis. A treatable disease. It starts with an infection usually in your lungs and then it creates cysts all over other organs. I told him I also had Hashimoto's thyroiditis and nodules in my thyroid - he said it was common to have multiple autoimmune diseases. [I have since discovered kidney stones which I have also have are considered to be part and parcel of these sort of immune problems- so I have hope for the cyst on my kidney now. Stones and cysts go together.]

While I am starting to feel OK and believe . . .my husband who was Mr. Upbeat and Perky all morning while I was a zombie - we switched personalities during the appt - still cannot let it go and asked yet again about cancer. The surgeon comes back into the room and sits on the examination table where I NEVER got to sit and says "You two are smart . . .I'd would have a different conversation with you just now if I felt it warranted it. You know that. So let's get this figured out."

So tomorrow I go. It could all turn to s*** but for now I'm good to let this surgeon do his work and try to figure this out. I'm still coughing but it's much better. I also have a wheeze which I didn't realize I had until my husband noticed it. I have had my moments all weekend but it's been a great weekend filled with family and fun and yelling - we have a soon-to-be 14 year old boy - enough said . . .but my husband and I have been through hell a number of times and he has spent the weekend telling me - we've got this. If we need a second opinion - we will go to the US and get one. He also mentioned that he cannot be left to raise the kids alone - I said yes, I know they will eat you alive . . .it's true. My son in particular can finesse him like no other . . .LOL

I will let you know if I learn anything tomorrow. And beyond.

It's all insane.