Unique (weird?) reaction to waiting. Am I the only one?

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  • MARIONSGIRL
    MARIONSGIRL Member Posts: 59
    edited April 2018

    Hi Ladies, I had never missed a mammogram in probably 20 + years. I was 64 when I was diagnosed two years ago. I was shocked when I got my stereotactic biopsy results. I was convinced they had my records mixed up with another patient! I have never cried or thought I was not going to survive. I do get anxious before every mammogram now and I have had them every 6 months. My big concern now is how to stay motivated to exercise and lose weight. My oncologist and PCP keep reminding me to keep moving.

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2018

    RoseGinger--Wonderful news!! We love to see that bingo call--B9!! You are half way there. When do you have your MRI guided biopsy? I have to have one of those on each breast. I've had ultrasound biopsies before (3 of them) but never an MRI guided one so that will be new. I understand they actually do the MRI, then pull you out and you stay very still and they work on you from below. Should be interesting! LOL Congratulations on your wonderful news. So far so good. Here's hoping your other breast is a bingo breast as well!! Deep Waters

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2018

    Wow! It sure seems that there are a lot of you who react in the same "weird" way I have. I guess how you react depends on your personality, your upbringing, your level of a support system, and maybe even if you're in a strong place in your life at the time. I know if I am spread too thin and feel overwhelmed by a lot going on in my life I have a tougher time maintaining my preferred stoicism. But I feel SO MUCH better knowing that not wanting to talk a lot about what's going on, not crying, and assuming the all shall be well is apparently just another normal way of reacting.

    Here is the list of "The Stoics" club so far…

    DeepWaters

    Cpeachymom

    Egads

    Lula73

    SpecialK

    MO-Beth

    RedemtiveSufferer

    MelissaDallas

    ShellsattheBeach

    RoseGinger

    CindyNY

    ReadyAbout

    SummerAngel

    Prairiedog

    Jamie69

    Mustlovepoodles

    MarionsGirl

    Thanks to all of you for chiming in! I look at all those names and I figure, we're not cold fish. We are just wired up in such a way as to be less outwardly emotional than some others. I guess we're some version of normal after all!

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  • ThreeC
    ThreeC Member Posts: 92
    edited April 2018

    Deep Waters- You struck a chord in so many of us. It is clear each person here has a need to share our personal thoughts,strategies,struggles & needs in surviving our journeys through the medical world of breast cancer and the tentacles that stretch out to our families, friends and even strangers. Thank you for starting this post.

    I had a grandmother who died of breast cancer. She reacted like your Aunt. Except for being diagnosed, she never told her family until she was too sick for help. She seemed to deal with any hardship in the same manner. I believe women of her age felt less able to discuss even body parts, much less Breast Cancer.

    Rose Ginger- I'm a little more like you. I don't want to discuss things with others until I've been able to deal with it in my own head. I also want to see every computer screen during scans and have the radiologist/tech explain directly to me what they see. I need to get the big picture with factual knowledge & hate it when others assume l'll just accept an opinion.

    Egads007- I love your quote by Gilda Radner. My DH & I got to see her and

    John Belushi at Second City in Chicago in the mid 1070's. It was more of a

    "a dive" back then but so much fun. Egads007 I can close my eyes & see those 8 women. In the Women's Clinic I use there is a large open waiting room. Women who are directed to 20 or so chairs to the right of the check-in desk are there for annual mammograms. Those women directed to the 6 chairs to the left of the desk usually barely make it to a seat before they are whisked back to the first "inside" waiting room of about 15 chairs. Some women bury their faces in I-phones or magazines. Only a few choose to chat & it's usually about HGTV and home remodeling. After a diagnostic mamo scan, if your lucky, you get to leave. If there are possible issues you end up further in the bowels of the clinic in a third waiting room where everyone there has "further issues to be addressed". It's that waiting room where my mind wanders to who is the one or two who are being sucked into the biopsy, U/S, Ct,MRI, clip insertion road...it's an emotionally draining place to wait. We all seem to be introspective while sitting in those particular chairs! If I won the lottery I think I would donate a mini-spa with massage chairs, nail techs, free flowing sangria & loads of chocolate for that room.

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited April 2018

    ThreeC--Welcome to the Stoics Club! I'm sorry to hear about your grandmother. It's really hard when loved ones wait until it's too late. Really, really hard. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

    I will never forget when I took my aunt to the first oncology appointment. I was in the room with her when the doctor performed his initial exam. I offer her privacy by studying my shoes as he examined her breasts. He said, "So, how long have you had this growth on your right breast?" She responded, "You mean that pimple?" So he asked her if it was okay for me to take a look so that I could help her monitor it with regard to change in size. She said sure. I had to stifle my gasp as I saw a HUGE (larger than a quarter--nearly a half dollar) black clearly cancerous growth coming out the side of her breast! She called it a "pimple". I literally felt my heart clench in that moment. Denial is a very strong thing. She was scared. She lost her father when she was age 8, her mother when she was 19, and her husband when she was 28. She was 71 and had been alone since. We were close and I asked about her annual mammogram. But out of respect I only asked if she had it done and not for further details. (She, obviously, was a serious stoic as well!).

    Needless to say, the moment I recognized I was having nipple discharge, I was in the doctor's office the very next day!

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  • ReadyAbout
    ReadyAbout Member Posts: 211
    edited April 2018

    This is an interesting thread, because I am definitely an extrovert. I am a teacher who interacts with people nonstop every day and I genuinely enjoy chatting up grocery store cashiers, the mailman, and the secretaries at the gazillion doctors' offices I call. I will get verklempt while reading a story about kindness on the Internet, and my daughters will "side eye" me at church to see if I'm getting weepy when there's an emotionally charged story, but when it comes to my own issues, I tend to be stoic because I don't want to see other people be sad on my account. A former student came into town and asked me to breakfast, and during our conversation I told her about my cancer, and her face just crumbled and she struggled not to cry. [It didn't help that she's in grad school for nursing - it made me wonder how positive my prognosis really is.] Her reaction was really hard for me, and probably explains why I am so cavalier about having cancer. I don't want other people to feel sorry for me.

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  • AprilMay
    AprilMay Member Posts: 44
    edited April 2018

    ThreeC - As I was reading your description of the clinic you use, I thought about the breast center I go to. My GYN is a partner in ownership of the larger building it’s in, which includes a surgery center, imaging center, and breast center. The breast center is on the same floor as the general imaging center, however, the two have separate areas outside of a shared lobby and registering desks. The breast center is beyond that point.

    When you open the door to the breast center waiting room, it’s like a modern spa. Low light, stainless steel, lovely decorating, fancy coffee, cold drinks in a wine cooler, etc. It doesn’t match the mood at all. There is a mix of women getting routine screening, diagnostic screening, biopsies, bone scans. Some are between tests, wearing their gowns and strained expressions. It always strikes me as odd, how out of place the atmosphere seems.

    I actually ran into a woman I know when I went to have imaging this week. She had lung cancer last year and is very stoic like the ladies talking here. She was there for a routine mammo but her very presence shook me. I thought to myself, this can’t be a good sign. And I don’t believe in signs. We chatted with an older woman while another woman in a gown seemed very subdued, and I wondered what news she was waiting for. I was thankful that the room was empty with the exception of my wonderful friend who is a bc survivor and kindly accompanied me as I waited to be fetched for my biopsy several days later. I didn’t want people looking at my strained face, wondering what horrible thing I was there for.

    I think chocolate, sangria, and manis are the way to go! Screw the fancy decor!

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  • RoseGinger
    RoseGinger Member Posts: 17
    edited April 2018

    Hey Sto Sisters. This thread keeps moving along. Great insight and it’s amazing how I identify with so much of what’s being said, I could have written most of these posts.

    DeepWaters - This is my first MRI guided biopsy. Like you I’ve had several stereotactic ones. For this one coming up on Tuesday, if they see the area they’re concerned about they will immediately do the biopsy. If they don’t see it I guess I get to go home. How about yours? When is it scheduled? I read your post to DJ Mammo. Doing both breasts at the same time? I hope you get good results (the bingo kind!) I will be thinking about you.

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  • Sjacobs146
    Sjacobs146 Member Posts: 770
    edited April 2018

    I wouldn't say that my reaction was thinking my potential cancer do was "no big deal", but I was calmer than many I've encountered on these boards. My first reaction when I was called back after my annual mammogram was that the tech had screwed up. She kept redoing my right breast saying that there was a skin fold. I had a vacation planned, so I scheduled my diagnostic mammogram for two weeks later, and I literally thought nothing of it during that time. I scheduled the mammogram for first thing in the morning so I could head directly to work after. Not even considering that I could possibly get a cancer diagnosis.

    While I was in the waiting room waiting for results of follow up mammogram, they called me in for an ultrasound, which I was not expecting. While I was on the table in the US room, the radiologist told me that they saw something that needed a biopsy, and I could do it right then, or I could schedule it for another time. I had it done right then. After I got dressed, a social worker talked to me and asked if I needed someone to pick me up. I wasn't crying, or freaking out visibly. I was just trying to decide if I should go to work or home since I now had ice packs to hold over the biopsy spot. I decided to go home. I started freaking out a little in the car, a friend of mine was near death from BC at that time and knowing that I likely had BC was toug. Honestly though, at that time, I put myself in Gods hands, and that calmed me right down.

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited April 2018

    I don't think I've shared my story yet, so here goes: We had been following a little sumthin' in my left breast for a few years. Biopsied twice, all benign. So, I had my routine mammogram and left for vacation to Washington D.C. About 4 days later I was getting a quick lunch in the Capitol diner when got a blip on my phone--some lab results, I thought. When I opened it up it was my radiology report on my OTHER breast-hypoechogenic, blahblah, shadowing, blahblah, BIRADs5. I didn't even know what the words meant. After a quick Google search, I turned to my DH and said, "I think I have breast cancer." He looked deep into my eyes and said, "I guess we need some cheesecake then." Bless this man. He went and got us some cheescake and a rice krispy treat for later. I cried briefly while he held me tight. Then I wiped my tears and told him I was determined to enjoy this vacation, dammit! No more crying! I'd deal with that another day.(Thanks, Scarlett O'Hara!)

    And that's exactly what I did. We had a great time in D.C. When I got home I had my core needle biopsy, which revealed IDC. My young female doctor was actually more upset than I was when she called with the bad news--I told her I already knew.

    I've had my tearful moments, to be sure. Telling my kids was hard. My mom took it like I knew she would-she responded with a story about her friend who had breast cancer "...and SHE DIED!" (Thanks, mom. That helps so much.) My brother called me, crying, for three weeks, saying "You can't die on me! I need my big sister! Waaah, blubber blubber". (Thanks, bro. I'll see what I can do.)

    I found myself so much stronger than i thought i would be. I mean, CANCER. Shit! But it's not my first rodeo. Having a severely handicapped child was worse. Having DH disabled was worse. Having a suicidal kid, waaaaay worse. And then having DH diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer while I was fighting breast cancer! As the quote goes, "When you're going through Hell, keep walking." (Thank you, Mr. Churchill!)

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    Rose Ginger,

    Hi again. Well I WAS scheduled for the "double MRI guided biopsy" tomorrow. But I cancelled it for a few reasons. First, they couldn't do both at once (only one doctor available). So they were going to put me in the MRI, do the scan, run the contrast, do a biopsy, then pull me out, send me to mammo to check the clip, then put me BACK IN the MRI, do another scan, run a second dose of contrast (this after having one just a week or so ago!), and do the second biopsy, then send me to mammo again. This just seemed too much for a two-time-open-spine surgery-hardware-installed-back-pain-claustrophobic like me to manage over a few hours! When they told me they do these only on Wednesday mornings and that they scheduled me for "both" slots I asked how many of these they do. Answer, not many. Just a small handful a month with some months doing exactly none.

    So I gathered all my records (including mammos, ultrasounds, biopsy reports, MRIs, high risk BC doctor notes, etc.) and got myself down to MD Anderson. They have me scheduled Thursday for an all day evaluation in their undiagnosed clinic. They insist on doing the mammos and ultrasounds again themselves (still working on insurance on that) and then I will go from there. They tend to move quickly so if (when) they agree these two areas (a rim-enhancing mass and a non-mass enhancement) need biopsying, we will schedule that. I am willing to stay overnight a second night if they want to do it the next day. At the very least, I'd think they would schedule it the following week (the week of Monday the 7th). Who knows, maybe MD will see these areas on ultrasound which my "local" place couldn't, biopsy them on the spot, and tell me they are both BINGO! (B9). That's my hope and expectation anyway. (Some people assume the worst to be prepared. I prefer to assume the best to avoid unnecessary worry knowing that if it's not "the best" I will be able to manage that when it happens.)

    Thanks and your thoughts and well wishes for me are much appreciated!

    Deep Waters

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  • Egads007
    Egads007 Member Posts: 1,603
    edited May 2018

    Deep - you absolutely did the right thing. I went through what they originally planned for you....but add in placing 5 markers as well. I would have rather they had skinned me and rolled me in salt! Stoic or not, it was a horrible day!

    I’ll be following along in spirit and on the thread during your appointments. Make sure to bring your big B9 flag to wave at em’!

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  • Jamie69
    Jamie69 Member Posts: 8
    edited May 2018

    Positive energy heading your way Deep!

    Winking

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  • Runrcrb
    Runrcrb Member Posts: 577
    edited May 2018

    deepwater,

    Thanks for starting this conversation. I didn’t wring my hands or flip out either- not my usual style. Like some others, I didn’t tell my husband until diagnosis. Oddly though, I found the lump randomly and unusually saw my PCP quickly. My husband was checking into the hospital for a stem cell transplant at the time. My biopsy was two days after he was admitted and my results came in two days prior to his transplant. I was expecting a malignant report despite a life long pollyanna attitude.

    I did get angry reading all the articles about how to avoid cancer (did all that and still had it).

    The only time i cried was one week after radiation and i had broken my arm - and couldn’t zip my pants.

    Yes i am strong and an inspiration. And i asked for help and took all that was offered.


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  • momto3sons
    momto3sons Member Posts: 311
    edited May 2018

    Deepwater - I can definitely relate to a lot of what you're thinking and going through. I did have my moments when going through all the scans, tests, and biopsies where I'd break down a bit. I think the worst moment for me was when I was first took off the dressing after my surgical biopsy - I was still waiting for results, and seeing my misshapen breast just kind of pushed me over the edge. My daytime brain was very confident that everything would come back benign, but the 3:00am brain...not so much lol!

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  • KellyGreenMe
    KellyGreenMe Member Posts: 25
    edited May 2018

    I totally get where you’re coming from...I’m obviously concerned that there’s a mass with suspicious characteristics but, there’s no reason to get upset until there’s a reason to be upset. And if mine does happen to be cancerous, I will take my time to be upset, but right now, I know nothing. I have lost both my parents to cancer (neither breast), I’m 36, I know it doesn’t have to end the same way At least not anytime soon!

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited May 2018

    runrcrb- Anger about what to do to “reduce your risk”- yup. Whenever any doc tries to give me their take on that, I Stop them and say, “Did all that, got cancer anyway.”

    I tried to ask for help as little as possible, but when people kept offering, I decided to just let them have at it. The pneumonitis from rads knocked me down a few pegs though and I had no choice but to ask for help then. I couldn’t breathe to even climb the stairs!

    Kelly- you sound like you have a good attitude about things. Hoping things turn out well for you.

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  • KellyGreenMe
    KellyGreenMe Member Posts: 25
    edited May 2018

    Peachy I would say let them help! Your friends and family are offering to help because they want to, not because they need to. I just lost my mom to cancer in January and my siblings and I were there every chance we had...because we wanted to. Any weight we could take off her could only help her

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  • bella2013
    bella2013 Member Posts: 489
    edited May 2018

    Please add me to your stoic tribe! My gynecologist found my lump (it wasn't like it was hidden)...I just didn't recognize it as a lump. I could tell my Dr. was gravely concerned. He started the wheels in motion immediately for me to get scheduled for the diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound at MD Anderson. He also prepared me to expect a biopsy at the same appointment. When I left his office I called my sister first. I just needed to hear myself say, “he found a lump in my breast." I needed that before I could go home and tell my husband. When I told him tears were streaming down his face. I looked at him and said, “why are you crying?" He said it broke hisheart to think of what I might be facing. I still have not shed any tears. I went six (6) years between mammograms. There is no excuse. I prepared myself for stage 4 metastatic cancer. As I was having my biopsy a week after my mammogram and US, comparing the mammo's from six years ago to the current images I knew it was cancer. While waiting for the confirmation my family was sure that it was B9. I did not share my expectations of a stage 4 diagnosis. When I was informed that it was stage 1, I was like, “OMG, it's only stage 1!"

    After lumpectomy, BMX with DIEP reconstruction I still have not been outwardly emotional about it. Deepwaters describes it perfectly. We feel and ponder things deeply and the outward display of emotions never bubble to the surface.

    The one downside to being stoic is people assume that you are strong and just sailing thru this cancer experience. Nothing could be further from the truth ...I have a lot to say about the impact this diagnosis has on my life. It's not small talk or cocktail chatter. It's profound and only shared with those who are interested in me and not my “20 year old boob job" and “tummy tuck".

    Thanks for starting this thread. I too felt weird that I haven't had an emotional breakdown over this cancer diagnosis.

    Blessings to all for miraculous healing and B9 tests

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  • Recap
    Recap Member Posts: 120
    edited May 2018

    AprilMay, I had forgotten until I read your comments. The waiting room at my breast imaging center has one of those continuous loop videos on the tv of very depressing images (imo) and seriously, funeral parlor music. I was tearing up over and over and blowing nose during my wait, and listening to somone's relative wanting know why their loved one wasn't done yet (never good news.)

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    First of all--Welcome to the Stoics Bella 2013!

    Hi everyone else! A few of you fellow "Stoics" have been kind enough to send a private message requesting an update so I'll give the shortest version I can…

    I had my all-day visit to MD Anderson Breast Clinic week before last and they did a lot of their own (repeat) tests to compare with what was found and what I was told in my "local" (65 miles away) hospital. To put it briefly MD Anderson said, "We concur."

    Right single duct discharge continued. Mammo and US looked fine in both breasts. They re-read the MRI and agreed that MRI guided biopsies were called for on the suspicious areas in each breast. (One strange thing is that looking at the very same slides my local hospital called my right side linear non-mass enhancement as measuring 0.8 cm and at MD they called it 1.2 cm –50% bigger?)

    Then I hit a snag. MD said they couldn't perform the MRI guided biopsies without first repeating the diagnostic MRI on their own equipment. Having just had one a few weeks earlier my insurance denied the request and I had almost a week to get that worked out. But ultimately it was approved and I had the repeat bilateral breast MRI at MD on Friday. So now I'm just chilling here on Mother's Day (unfortunately both my kids are out of the country today—one on business and one on pleasure) and figure I will have word tomorrow at some point either via a call or the report posted in my on-line chart. They have already told me I need the biopsies but couldn't schedule them until this new MRI was read. Barring a miraculous disappearance of both areas, I'll schedule that for hopefully this coming week.

    My gut still says both areas are bingo status (B-9!). My gut was right when I KNEW that I had skin cancer and so I am assuming my gut is right again (fingers crossed!).

    Thanks for all the good thoughts, positive energy, prayers, and every other demonstration of well wishes y'all have sent my way. They are all very much appreciated!

    I'll keep you posted Stoic Sisters of mine!

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  • RoseGinger
    RoseGinger Member Posts: 17
    edited May 2018

    Thanks for the update DeepWaters. I really have been thinking about you and hoping things were moving along so you could get some answers. I’ve got everything crossed that all comes back B9!

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  • chronicpain
    chronicpain Member Posts: 385
    edited May 2018

    Deep, I hope against hope all turned out well with you, let us know.






    Having been sick so much with other things the last ten years, and knowing mammos are very painful with me and the very detailed torture imaging often felt like just doctor CYA, (no family history, no bad genes) I got three years behind on my dreaded mammos. When one showed a tiny vague spot in my dense breasts at a new mammo center, I delayed followup ( excuse was to get my old images) just knowing it would be negative. The doc chased me down ( bless her!) and when we could not get old images, finally got more detailed new images, but I was still fine, a month later. Then I had the biopsy to lay the issue to rest knowing 3/4 of biopsies are benign and so I thought would be mine.

    Then when my biopsy doc called me (no one should find out about a BC dx on a portal!) I finally knew it was not fine, but had good prognosis, so until I heard about how I needed not just surgery but also XRT and anti-hormonals, I figured it would be nothing compared with my prior problems. Only when I started reading about BC, and on this forum, did I get very concerned, that this would not be like my MOHS skin cancer surgery last year ( though that was a botched mess) and got upset mostly because DH acted like it was nothing and just talked about his next weekend plans (BTW he has the same reaction to his prostate cancer workup, talk about stoic, nothing sunk in until we had an MRI showing a large suspicious mass and then he finally lost some sleep).

    I think I lost it only after I stopped my estrogen replacement, which I had been on for many years, my affect changed and I became moody, am ok now even with arimidex though cannot remember things as well.

    I have been looking at prostate cancer forums recently and they are full of stoic and very rational patients, very little touchy feely stuff like predominates here, and the men on average (especially former military) there react like my DH — no sobbing (a couple exceptions) and focussed on looking at what works best, reasoned, and accepting as another thing to cope with, learning how to solve their problems, holding emotion in in front of other anonymous men. The contrast with most women is striking. Neither is good, nor bad, just different.
    I try to be cool and rational ( my job and my responsibility depends on it) and am better off emotionally than many, but if my BC comes back, then I will likely be retested.
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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    Well I was woken by a call from the doctor today after hearing nothing yesterday (Monday). No big surprise but the MRI at MD Anderson showed the same thing as the one a few weeks earlier. The only change is that at my "local" hospital they gave my right breast a 4B and my left a 4A. MD Anderson has it the other way around with the 4B being on the left (the one with the rim-enhancing mass). They were supposed to call me to schedule the biopsies but I never heard from them. I guess they are still awaiting insurance approval. I'll check with them tomorrow if I don't hear from them by lunchtime.

    The good news is that even a 4B has roughly a 60% of being benign and the 4A about 87% chance of benign. So the odds are in my favor on both sides. I'm sitting here wishing I could remember my statistics classes from decades and decades ago. Two masses being biopsied? I remember that "a coin doesn't know if the previous toss was heads or tails and so it's 50/50 with each toss". But I also know that having two biopsies done certainly means I am facing a greater change of getting bad news than if I only was having one. Any statisticians out there?

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    OP (Deep Waters) back again with an update. My bilateral biopsies are scheduled! Yay! I'll have the Birads 4A non linear non-mass enhancement in my right breast and the 4B rim-enhancing mass in my left breast both biopsied on the 24th of this month. With the holiday weekend following that, I would say it may be as late as the 30th before I hear my good news. So I'm emotionally pacing myself for the 30th as officially my Bingo Day! (B-9...Bingo!) If word comes sooner, all the better. Thanks for everyone who's been along for the ride thus far. I'll keep you posted.

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  • bella2013
    bella2013 Member Posts: 489
    edited May 2018

    Deep Waters, talking about the difference is size of your masses between the two facilities...my gyno found my lump and measured it at greater than 4 cm. When I went for my diagnostic mammo and US it was measured at 1.2 cm. When I went for my US guided biopsy, again it measured at 1.2 cm. When I went for my breast MRI it measured closer to what my gyno had found >4 cm and that was indeed accurate. The good news here is the breast MRI did it’s job. It gave information the mammo and US did not give.

    Thank goodness we have all these diagnostic tools available to us

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    Bella, Thanks for the insight! And yes, I am very grateful for the technology and even more so for the fact that it is available to me personally. I know that's not always the case for all women. DeepWaters

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  • DeepWaters
    DeepWaters Member Posts: 73
    edited May 2018

    Deleted due to accidental double post! Sorry 'bout that. LOL DeepWaters

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  • uneedaklu
    uneedaklu Member Posts: 17
    edited May 2018

    First of all, I LOVE this thread. It's so refreshing to see that I'm not the only "cold fish" who's dealing with this whole nightmare with humor, sarcasm and a healthy dose of "let's get on with it."

    I think for me the challenge is not knowing what's next. Until I have a diagnosis, I can't make a plan, and without a plan ... I'm lost. Control is HUGE for me, and honestly the worst part of waiting for results is knowing that I have absolutely no an control, and no way of getting any back until I get answers. That's the part that's crazy-making for me.

    I've been through a lot of crap in my lifetime, and I've got pretty broad shoulders. I'm actually not really afraid of having cancer (not that I'm wishing for it, believe it, but sometimes your gut tells you things, and you should listen). Frankly, I'm not even afraid of dying. What I'm afraid of is looking and feeling "sick" during treatment, and having people feel sorry for me. That's the thing that I really can't stomach. Pretty ridiculous perspective, I guess, but I've never been good at asking for help, and I guess I just don't want to find myself in a situation where I don't have any choice but to do that.

    Just my 3.7 cents.

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  • Runrcrb
    Runrcrb Member Posts: 577
    edited May 2018

    uneedaklu,

    Only people close to me knew about my cancer. A super cute wig just had people raving about my new hair style. Makeup was good too. I was able to work through chemo and radiation. Each of us has different reactions and side effects- here’s hoping yours are minimal or at least ones you can hide if you wish

    Do let people help you though- makes them feel good and can give you a break from making decisions



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