Unique (weird?) reaction to waiting. Am I the only one?
Comments
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Another thought...”be hopeful, but be prepared” is something you see throughout these boards.
I had an Irish great grandmother who’s mantra was ‘Expect the worst, you’ll never be disappointed’...saw me through a lot of tough times in 2013.
Another fav came from my Mum ‘you can do this the hard way, or the easy way’. That gave me the slap in the face I needed during diagnosis/treatment. Almost a no brainer
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RoseGinger - Gilda was awesome!! Lol, I’ve got the same uniform on that you do....my go to for comfort. God Bless Levi Strauss!
Dang DeepWaters, methinks your post has gone viral! Kudos
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For RoseGinger....and everyone else that wants a laugh!
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Thanks CindyNY! Best quote ever because it is so true. My inner introvert feels having people surround me during my darkest times makes me claustrophobic.
Hugs to you too!
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Egads, Love that quote...expect the worst your be disappointed. I'll have to post that on my desk too.
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RoseGinger,
Thanks so much for the memory!! I loved that episode of MTM as well! It was priceless and so well done. And thanks Egads for the post! I literally laughed out loud and my husband came over and we laughed together. (And being almost 54 I was a huge MTM fan! I used to sing the theme song at the top of my lungs riding my bike as a kid. ("Who can take the world on with her smile? Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile? Well it's you girl and you should know it. With each glance and every little movement you show it! Love is all around, no need to waste it. You can have the town, why don't you take it? You're gonna make it after all! You're gonna make it after all!")
You said in your post, "No one's responses are better or more appropriate than another's. Just different." I agree 100%. But I don't think most of the world sees it that way. I do think we stoics are judged and cold and unfeeling. Or even as "strong" and "an inspiration"--like we don't feel things like others do. I cry in private and, like you, I don't share my medical challenges until I must. (For example, I have not mentioned all this current breast hoopla to my adult children. If it's cancer I will tell them. If it's not, why worry them in the meantime?)
I am an introvert. I didn't used to understand that term. I thought it meant shy. I'm NOT shy. I am very outgoing—when I'm outgoing. I enjoy and need people. But I enjoy and need solitude more. It is how I recharge. Somehow, I think being and introvert is connected to be stoic. They seem to go hand in hand. In fact, my screen name "Deep Waters" was actually given to me years ago by friends. It's from the expression "Still waters run deep." They meant that I am calm but that there are abundant substantial thoughts beneath the calm exterior. Hence—they dubbed me Deep Waters. LOL
Are the rest of you "stoics" also introverts? Not shy, but need time alone to regroup, cope, and recharge? To "gather your thoughts" as they used to say?
Deep Waters
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Regarding Gilda--- Three words (Roseanne Rosanadanna) "It's always something!" LOL
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Egads, your Irish great grandmother sounds like my Irish grandfather--- "Be careful about those tears! God'll give you something real to cry about! " I thought about him the day I was brushing my three year old's teeth and I thought I found a tiny cavity. I felt like the worst mother ever and was really scared about the dental work I was sure she'd have to endure due to my "negligence". I was seriously upset!
Later that SAME DAY she was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect that required her to have open heart surgery. Talk about a lesson in perspective!! I've never forgotten that and the fact that I was so freaked out about a little hole in her tooth and it suddenly was so trivial. I wasted time and emotional energy fretting over nothing. (Especially when it ended up being a pit in the enamel and required no treatment at all! LOL) But I was young then--in my 20's. I think we do "mellow" with age. It takes a LOT to shake me up now.
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I think all of you would appreciate this...
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/13...
Hope the link works. It's a good article.
Deep Waters
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I like this from Michael J. Fox - "The way I look at things - if you focus on the worst case scenario, and then it happens - you've lived it twice." Worry, to me, is a bit of a wasted emotion because thinking we have control of much of anything is an illusion - we can't change the past - but we can learn from it, can't control the future beyond small things, we only have right now - if we are worrying right now, we aren't really living.
deep - still waters do run deep - I like that. I also like the duck analogy - calm on the surface but the feet are always moving beneath the water. I don't think of myself as an introvert, but I have always been someone who is fine by myself - and I do enjoy solitude as well, it helps ground me.
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Healthcare is a money-making industry in the US, more so today than ever, and I have been a tiny cog in it's wheel for almost 40yrs. My cynicism is at an all time high based on experience. But when all is said and done, organized healthcare is the only game in town-there is no alternative if you don't want to gamble. [In the early days, wanting a prophylactic mastectomy, I commented to someone that I fantasized about a fish fillet knife and a towel to pack my wound, outside the emergency room door.]
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Egads007 - Thank you for that video. No matter how many times I see it, it always makes me laugh. I just adore MTM.
DeepWaters - Thanks for sharing that article. It’s really good. I loved what you said about being an introvert but still being outgoing. I think so many people think that being an introvert means being a loner or shy. Not true. My dearest friend is very emotional. She cries easily, talks openly about her feelings and puts it out there for everyone to see. She is refreshingly candid and open. We are so different in that respect. Maybe it has to do with feeling vulnerable. Hard to put yourself out there sometimes. For some it comes naturally. Others, not so much.
SpecialK - The Michael J. Fox quote is perfect for those of us waiting for test results, etc. It’s so true, but easier said than done. I’ll keep trying though
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RoseGinger,
I've known my business partner since we were 8 years old. It's a running joke between us that he will refer to a "dear, very close friend" of his whom I've never even heard of. I'll ask when was the last time they talked and he'll say they worked together on a project 22 years ago for a month but that they are very close (even though he hasn't spoken to that person in 22 years!). He says "I love you" easily and I save it for my closest most inner circle (people I speak to regularly and share with). But he has about 300 "dear, close friends" and I say that's not possible (for me anyway). Lately he's toned it down to a "good friend" if he doesn't know where they live, if they are married, or if they ever had kids. LOL
Deep Waters
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Whew, a lot to reply to! I do want to say...omg this thread is liberating...love it!
Shells - glad you liked the quote 'expect the worst, you won't be disappointed'...during my diagnosis a wonderful woman I worked with wrote it on a post-it note after I told her about it...she stuck it on my forehead....made my day!
Recap - I love reading your posts...I always think of you as the voice of reason...even when you fantasize about being armed and dangerous lol!
DeepWaters - excellent article! Some of the items felt like someone had cctv installed in my head when they wrote it. I especially liked the one that refers to being blunt. I so appreciate bluntness. My friend that I spoke about to Shells above used to say “a good friend calls you out in your sh*#t. So true!
I sang along with you on your earlier reply about the MTM theme song. I even flipped an imaginary tam off my head and made the *meow* sound at the end. As a kid I once sang the Adams family song while on my bike (the light blue one with a sissy bar, banana seat, easy rider handle bars and complete with Pom Pom streamers on the ends). I stupidly took my hands off to snap my fingers to that infamous Adams family song (da na na na *snap snap* da na na na *snap snap*) and then I wiped out my bike. While snivelling over my bloodied skinned knee a neighbourhood kid leaned in closed and perfectly imitated Lurch saying “you raaaang?" LOL puts me in mind of the muppet movie when the two hecklers saw Kermit riding with no hands and said “look Ma, no brains!!"
I've never thought of myself as an introvert, albeit I was painfully shy as a kid. I got so sick of being uncomfortable with it that I converted to being an extrovert, with a need for solitude. Stoic...oh yes indeedy do I surely am...I put it down to my Scots/Irish blood. I wonder how many of us Stoics are ofthe same cultural background? Show of hands?
I'll end with a quote from a tee shirt a fella in my gym wears “I can't stay calm....I'm Scottish!"
Hoping everyone's weekend is peaceful so far!
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Egads,
I am often accused of being too blunt. It's just when I get busy (as in critical, fast moving work situations) I forget to add all the "if you don't minds" and "when you have the chance" and "I'd appreciate it so much if you would...". I just say, "Do this please." At least I always say please.
I think my appreciation for bluntness and for straight talk is why I've worked in male dominated industries my entire life. Aviation for a LONG time and now automotive and motor sports. While heterosexual, I've always gotten along with men so much better. Maybe because I was raised by my father or maybe because it's just the way I'm wired up. I find men don't tend to be as sensitive or require as much "softening" of what I say. That said, they can get away with a tone of voice that if I use I get called "bossy" or worse! So frustrating! The ultimate irony is that my male business partner requires all the softening of language that is more typical of women. Ugh! I can't win!! LOL A number of my clients and their staffs are female and I've had feedback that they feel like I speak to them as if they work for me and not the other way around. So I have to constantly adjust. Every email gets looked over a second time and all the little niceties are added in before I hit send. It seems to have helped but when I'm in a hurry I resent the extra effort. LOL
Your story about the wipe out on your bike sounded very familiar. I've picked the gravel out of a lot of wounds in my day! Remember back when we'd ride all day and not come home until the street lights came on? Kids are so wrapped in bubble wrap these days they will never know you can have a wipe out and be just fine. Your friends, "You rang" was priceless! I just love wit like that!!
Regarding being an introvert, I ADORE time with others. And most people would be stunned at how much I need and enjoy my alone time because I don't seem like that type when I'm out and about. I talk to everyone--the guy in line in front of me, the lady next to me in the dressing room, the barista, the UPS guy. I am very social. But when I am not being social I am very quiet. When I have extra long work days that require me to interact with others for 12-15 hours I end up saying to my business partner, "I am just simply out of words." That's my polite way of saying, "For God's sake. Shut up already. I can't people anymore!"
Your fellow stoic,
Deep Waters
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I respond to health crises with dark humor/cavalier outlook. My dad and his siblings are all doctors and that’s the way they raised their kids. I know it’s not for everyone but it works for me. My cardiologist said he was sorry to hear about my cancer & I shrugged and said, “Meh, win some, lose some.” Emotionally, I prefer to implode occasionally in tiny, 2 minute bursts like Holly Hunter in the movie “Broadcast News”. It’s efficient and gets the angst out so I can get on with things
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I just noticed this thread, add me to the "stoic" camp. I'm a very logical person who believes that worry is a complete waste of time.
"I do think we stoics are judged and cold and unfeeling. Or even as 'strong' and 'an inspiration'--like we don't feel things like others do."
This statement struck me because I've been called all of these things. I work in a male-dominated field and enjoy it, and sometimes have difficulty trying to show my emotions. I honestly think that I probably don't feel emotions as deeply as some. I drive my very emotional younger daughter crazy sometimes because I have trouble relating to what she's feeling. I am somewhat extroverted, though. I actually rate close to the middle on extroversion vs introversion on the Myers-Briggs scale.
When I found the lump in my left breast I just made an appointment with the doc. When they said I'd need a biopsy I didn't think much of it, told my family and then went and did it (alone). When I found out I had cancer I just told my family what I had and what was needed. I've never cried over it or felt like I needed to. I do keep track of my physical symptoms now more than I used to, though, as it makes sense to be cognizant of the fact that it's possible (though unlikely) the cancer could return.
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I'm glad to find this topic. So far I haven't shed a tear. This is my second bout of breast cancer and I did cry when I got that phone call years ago. But this second go around is different. Actually, I have to admit that all the new science around the treatment of breast cancer is fascinating. I've even enjoyed learning all of the new stuff. Now that is probably weird.
My husband has been making an effort to be very supportive. But I know he hates waiting around when my procedure needs a driver to take me home. He volunteered to go to my tests and appointments with me. I kept trying to discourage this but he seemed to think that was what a good husband should do. Finally I asked him if he wanted me to go with him to his appointments with the orthopedic surgeon who will be replacing his knees. “H**l no" he replied. I told him I felt the same way. We laughed and decided that settled it. We would both go to our appointments by ourselves.
Count me in as one of the stoics.
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Deepwaters, "if this is all much ado about nothing" I question what brought you here in the first place? I was extremely "stoic" starting with my first mammogram, ultrasound, biopsy, diagnosis, meeting with BS, meeting with MO, getting second opinion BS and MO, breast MRI, another biopsy, bone scan, surgery, 16 rounds of chemo, losing my hair, bilateral mastectomy, weekly fills for my expanders, and thirty radiation treatments and my final surgery for implants expander replacements. I accidently stumbled on your post and I had to respond because it really bothered me..."much ado about nothing" is extremely insensitive when you have not been diagnosed. I was quite stoic until a good friend's BC returned after 7 years and is now stage IV. She will be intreatment for the rest of her life. I hope you don't have cancer because it is a big something
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Shelly, you sound like me. Anybody says anything hurtful or even constructive criticism just knocks me down. I can cry for quite some time on that sort of stuff. Physical "reality" is a completely different thing. I was really worried about my biopsy, mostly because I didn't know what to expect, but I didn't cry or breakdown over it and now I'm just hanging out waiting for the results. I suspect if I do get told that I have cancer, I'll just think "oh well" and get on with it. Makes my husband NUTS btw, lol.
Very glad to see I'm not the only one that doesn't have some sort of emotional breakdown though, I was getting worried too.
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Oh, my gosh! I have found my tribe, The Stoics! Thank you, ladies!
I am a bit of an introvert, too. I have a few true friends that I would share serious health issues with. I always feel like I'd be bothering someone with my concerns, so I keep them to myself. Therefore, it's a bit hard for me to be empathetic with those who need to run around wailing and gnashing their teeth.
Here's the thing I try to remember: we don't know the burdens someone else is bearing. Maybe they have already lost a mom or sister to BC. Maybe they are dealing with financial issues, abuse, addiction. Maybe their children are young or their spouse is disabled. Maybe they just don't have a lot of coping skills.
I remember when my third child was born with multiple disabilities. Here I was just trying to keep him alive and my friends were complaining about bug bites and ear infections. I wanted to scream, "Walk a mile in my shoes, how about it!" But then I had a revelation: to my friends, bug bites and ear infections WERE the worst things they had dealt with. It wasn't a contest. I wasn't going to get a big gold star for my efforts and they weren't going to finish on last place.
Since that time we have dealt with some bad stuff--psychiatric problems, suicide attempts, open heart surgery, cancers, deaths and near-deaths. And every day I try to live out the words of Winston Churchill--"When you are going through hell, keep walking." I come from a long line of stoic, hard-headed, sometimes difficult women. I DARE cancer to take me down.
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smc123, I hear you. I think perhaps you may have misunderstood my second paragraph. The reason I called my reaction "weird" in my title for the post is because I recognize that thinking it is "much ado about nothing" is weird—as in a coping mechanism that is counter to the truth. In my second paragraph where I mention all the ways in which I begin to try to convince myself it's nothing—what I was trying to get across is that I KNOW it's something—something that can be serious and life altering. I'm not backpedaling. I'm saying my post was about how "weird" it is NOT to consider it a huge deal.
I truly didn't intend to give anyone the impression I actually think BC is "nothing". Quite the contrary. I was trying to point out that when I have those "weird" reactions (thinking it's not a big deal) that my brain is actually trying to cover up and cope with the awful truth—which is that it's a big stinking deal.
I'm sorry if I didn't communicate that clearly and I'm sorry if you thought that I was in any way diminishing the experience of every person here. It was actually quite the contrary.
And as to why I am here? I'm here for the same reason everyone else is here (diagnosed and undiagnosed). To educate myself and to gain the support of others who have walked this path.
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Deep - that was one reply out of all in this thread that objected...and I have to say I thought it was probably taken out of context too. Don't apologize, this was a much needed thread! For me personally, it gave me an outlet for what I was too afraid to 'write out loud' for fear of being viewed as weird. I know (and I'm sure most of us know) that you never for a second meant it is much ado about nothing. Matter o' fact your point was very clearly conveyed.
Great to see you post!
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ReadyAbout, SummerAngel, PrairieDog, Jamie69, and MustLovePoodles,
Welcome to the tribe! We are "The Stoics". It's a tough row to hoe sometimes. We are every bit as feeling, sympathetic, and empathetic as the "The Sensitives". We just don't emote the way they do. It doesn't mean we are cold. It means we are, well, as I called it, emotionally modest. Emotions? We've got 'em. We just don't display them for all the world to see. It's the way we are hard-wired and I don't see anything wrong with it.
I'm pleased my post has helped so many people feel more normal in their responses and less alone. After all, isn't that a big part of what this forum is about!?
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Thanks Egads. It did bother me that someone misunderstood me thinking I was being dismissive of the dreadful experience so many here have had. I'm glad you and clearly a lot of others understood what I was trying to say. I appreciate your support!
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I certainly understand what you were saying! When I have to tell people about my diagnosis I've been telling them that I have only a little case of cancer. I absolutely hate the look in people's eyes when I tell them that I have breast cancer. Weird, huh? But even though I think I am handling this well I found that last night I had a nightmare (the first nightmare I've had in years). I woke up shaking and grabbing my afflicted boob! So I guess my subconscious is handling the emotions for me...
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DeepWaters - You’re response showed me that you are truly a kind person. We need more kindness in the world.
I got good news on my right breast biopsy: Benign! One down one to go. I’ve got an MRI guided biopsy on my left breast next week. Hoping for the same.
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Egads, I've got Scottish ancestry on both sides of my family and I'm definitely a member of the "stoic camp"! lol Think the rest is German, not sure which way that would go. I'm an introvert in pretty close to everything. I don't even like going out to eat very often unless I'm by myself with a book to read. Business gatherings are a complete nightmare for me because I can't make small talk to save my life and pretending to be interested in other people's small talk is mostly beyond me no matter how hard I try.
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Jamie, I can so relate. I abhor small talk. I'm terrible at working a room. I stumble at reading body language and facial cues. I have often wondered if I might be on the Autism Spectrum.
Frankly, I find being stoic is far easier for me than hysteria. I'm a "grit your teeth & bear it" kinda girl. Not that I don't experience anxiety, I do. But I feel more control when I duck my head, wrap my cloak around me, and keep on walking.
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Pre and post diagnosis are two very different places to reside. I find it hard to recall life before cancer so it is hard to say how stoic I was then. My stoicism goes up and down in this new world I now live in with a confirmed cancer diagnosis.
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