How do I stop freaking out?

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I was diagnosed in February and keep worrying that I have metastatic cancer and they have just not detected it yet or that I will develop it in the future. They gave me a 70% chance or higher of living 10 years. I have had multiple scans now that have pulled up all kinds of things (not metastatic cancer yet) and every time I worry myself sick. I have 3 young children, the smallest being 3 and it hurts so bad to think about them losing their mother while they are still so young. I have to make it 15 years until my youngest is grown and that just seems so far away and so full of uncertainty if I will make it that long. I am on a couple of anxiety meds right now and just had a first session with a therapist. I'm trying to walk most days of the week. Would love to hear about how others have conquered their fears.

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited April 2018

    Are you doing hormone therapy?

  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited April 2018

    Magnolia - I was where you were - 2 years ago. It is hard. My DD was 9 at the time. I too was on anxiety meds.

    I had to grieve the life I used to know - which was believing that I was healthy - because I had never been sick before and move forward with the reality that everything is different now. A body that still seems foreign to me.

    It does get easier though - it really does. The beginning, I have to say, is the hardest hardest part. It's so much to adjust to, its so much to get used to, and it's so much being thrown at you at one time it's overwhelming!!

    I'm glad you're seeing a therapist that's really good and the fact that you're getting some exercise is excellent. Exercise is going to be your best friend in this. It will give you an outlet, it will make you feel good physically and mentally and it will do so much for you. Just keep at it - no matter how hard it might seem it's going to help you a lot!!! I wish I had done more of that in the beginning, but instead I hid in my room and I didn't go anywhere. I basically just lived like a hermit, because that's how down I was.

    Please know, you're not alone there are many of us stage III'ers out there!!! (((Hugs)))

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    Meow- no hormonal therapy. I anticipate Tamoxifen after radiation.

    Elizabeth- thank you for reaching out. I've heard this is a grieving process, though I'm not sure if I am there yet. I think I'm in panic mode. I'm glad you are doing better- it is something to look forward to. Hugs back at you :)

  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited April 2018

    You have to train your mind every day. That’s what worked for me. You have to focus on individual day. Tell yourself you are ok today and enjoy this beautiful day. Don’t think about future. Stay away from Internet or limits the time. Be physically active, focus on nutrition.You could be healthy and die in a car accident. The year of my cancer diagnoses I went on vacation spree when possible. Europe, Hawaii, Caribbean, FL and CA all with my kids😂 Just live, live, live...

  • Artista964
    Artista964 Member Posts: 530
    edited April 2018

    i agree with train your mind. I found it easier to do it during tx. Once tx ended there was a period of it's over thoughts. I should be on ai but it's too disabling for me so I'm on tamoxifen. I figure something's going to kill me, just don't know what or when. I'm 53, dxd at 50 stage 3, 7cm tumor with 1 node. I look at others less fortunate than me. My dad has a stroke a few months ago that has left his left side affected. I have full function of my limbs. We take things like dressing and bathing for granted. He's finally able to do it but it takes so long. Thankfully he's come around to where hes now in good spirits and views it as a challenge for everything he does. I admire him and it stops me from complaining about ses. We all have something that sucks bad. Just need to forge on the best you can. If there are children all you can do is live each day like it is your last the best you can. That's all we can do. The sw airline story was so shocking. Who would think an engine would blow AND you are being sucked out of the window shrapnel hitting you. I mean surely not that poor woman or her family. Any day could be it for each one of us. Live accordingly.

  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited April 2018

    Hugs to you. I understand your freaking out. When I was first dx with BC I had a large 7 cm tumor too and 2 positive nodes. That was 14 years ago. My son was 7 years old then. Back then, I was a walking zombie some days. I did manage to crawl out of my pit. I have seen my son grow up, graduate from college and he is now working at a great job. The odds of no recurrence and/or surviving are with you actually. I know I was freaked out when they stated you have a 30% chance of recurrance at ten years. But that meant 70% of no recurrance. So, it could be worse. I had a friend die last year of esophageal cancer. Once he was dx, he lasted 10 months. And those 10 months he was sick and suffering. So, it is true it could be worse.

    My first cancer bout, my angel of a friend from the cancer society (a breast cancer survivor too) drove me to my appointments and sat with me and went to aquafit with me. But then, she contracted ALS of all things and passed away within about 6 months. How unfair is that.

    So, as scary as this all is, it could be worse. Thank god for these boards and the spirit of the women and men on here. Their courage and support has gotten me thru very dark times. And I am actually grateful after I got thru the horrid first years of BC that I realize how dark life can be. I feel more compassion for people now. You will get thru it. One step at a time. One day at a time. Your panic will lessen.

    wallan




  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    EuroAmerican- yes! carpe diem-- I'm trying that. Truly, I am. What was successful for you in learning to retrain your mind? I'm such a planner, it is hard for me to not be looking into the future. I'm already working on plans for my kids school year next year (we homeschool), but a diagnosis of metastatic cancer would scrap these plans pretty quickly. I love hearing about your vacations too. We have one planned for this year. How were you able to do so much jet setting in such a short time?

    Rosabella- Yes, anything can kill us, but for me, it feels like cancer has my number or at least the biggest chance in the pool of contenders. What was successful for you in learning to retrain your mind? I'm sorry to hear your side effects are difficult and about your father's stroke. Life could be much worse and up until now, I have lived truly a blessed life. I would like to find my way to feeling that this current life is blessed too, after all I am still breathing and feeling good despite the chemo and worry brain.

    Wallan- thank you for the hugs :) And for the encouraging story of 14 years of life after diagnosis! Did you have any scan scares along the way? Since being diagnosed with breast cancer in February, I have mentioned symptoms twice to my nurse practitioner that have led to more scans, which have led to more scans and a repeat scan I have to wait 2 months for--- lots of worry along the way. I'm so sorry to hear about your friends. These are the kinds of stories that I worry about happening to me, a sad suffering death and watching my young children and family grieve for me. It can be a very dark place to be.

  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited April 2018

    Hi Magnolia-mom:

    I did have alot of scans scares along the way. Even the other day too. Its called scananxiety. Around the 8 year mark was the worse. I have the flu and they did chest xrays to see if I had pneumonia. They saw 3 nodules and told me it could be a recurrance of my BC. I had CT scans every 6 months for 2 years to see if they changed. They didn't so it was decided they are not breast cancer or cancer at all. That was the scariest of all the scans. I must admit though I did eventually lose my fear of scans. I thought I had beat it completely around the 10 year mark.

    The first few years after dx were the hardest for me. I was sort of shell shocked and couldn't believe this was happening or had happened to me. As time passed though, I became more used to the "new normal" and by year 3 or so, BC was mostly in the background even though I was still going for clinical exams every 6 months. I just wasn't that afraid anymore. I was used to it. Adapted. So I know this will happen to you too. Scans may make you nervous every time, but even that anxiety lessens every time you have a clean scan. It just takes time. One day at a time I say.

    Hugs again

    wallan


  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    Thank you Wallan for the hugs and the comfort. I am sorry you have also had so many scares. I hope I can get to a place where I no longer fear for my mortality. Or just accept this new future.

    My latest scan has me in knots. It wasn't clean, but also not metastatic cancer-- yet. I just can't let myself believe or hope that this can end well.

  • MexicoHeather
    MexicoHeather Member Posts: 365
    edited April 2018

    What kind of scan did you have, Magnolia?  I had a full body CT Scan and actually that put my mind at ease. It's not something you can do every day, but the oncologist did it prior to surgery to rule out mets or other issues. 

    It is hard to train your mind not to worry. One trick that I have used is wearing a certain bracelet and if I catch myself worrying a snap it -- literally -- Snap out of it! 

    Be careful about starting certain anti-depressants, you need to keep totally focused for your children and family.

  • ohioproud
    ohioproud Member Posts: 16
    edited April 2018

    Magnolia,

    I had to add an anti-anxiety, anti-depressant to my arsenal, early on. It takes the edge off. I have found that the most powerful thing I do is meditation. You might want to give that a try. With each day that passes I get mentally and emotionally stronger. Exercise helps me get through everything. I'm still putting myself back together and it might take some time, or even forever but I'm ok with that. You too will find your own way to cope, I'm sure.

    Sending hugs to you and best wishes on your journey.

    xo Marci

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    MexicoHeather- My last scan was a bone scan. I had clear CT & PET scans in February, but the bone scan is showing "minimal uptake" in a rib. I am waiting 2 months to scan again. I'm worrying that the other scans missed whatever is on my rib because it is small.

    Your bracelet idea is a good one. Is it a snap bracelet?

    I wonder if worrying just feels "right" to me and that is why I go down the rabbit hole.

    Retraining my brain feels hard because it feels like "having faith" which I am also not good at.

    I'm on Lexapro right now and Ativan as needed. I haven't explored anti-depressants.

  • Artista964
    Artista964 Member Posts: 530
    edited April 2018

    lexapro is an antidepressant.

  • Artista964
    Artista964 Member Posts: 530
    edited April 2018

    How I trained my mind is I've realized the fact that we all can do our best. We all have good and bad things happen. No one is exempt. Some get it worse but then they make the decision to adjust or wallow. The latter does 0. You see folks on the stage IV forum who have managed to enjoy the good days. If I become stage IV or something bad happens that is beyond my control, I'll have to accept it after going through the normal emotions. For bad things I can't control, I have to accept it and figure out how to cope. I can't allow my emotions get to the point of paralyzing me. I pop me psych meds and tamoxifen.

    When my dad had his stroke he was crying on the phone to me that he wish he was dead. Im not near him so I was freaking out to my bro who lives closer and sees him. It took a bit but after my pick yourself up talk after his release from assisted living for a month, he had to decide. Thankfully he decided to view it as a challenge in improving his strength and range of motion on his left side rather than just saying im 79, not up for it. His PT says he is working very hard. He's very high risk to stroke again but his mind is there's no choice, if it happens I'll deal with it. Stressing about it doesn't help him. While such challenges that deal with health are terrible and difficult, we should wrap our minds around bad things can happen even if you are doing everything by the book. Dad was the healthiest person per his docs with 0 risk factors for stroke. So what I'm doing for my own mind sake in trying not to land in the psych ward again is accepting that stage IV can happen and knowing it will be work and meds to live on my own. So I'm pretty prepared if it hits as I am with any disease. I worked 10 years with patients in a surgeons office and heard many inspiring I want to be like you if stories. They had happier lives even with a devastating dx.

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    Thank you everyone for responding. It helps me so much to talk this through with women who have been through this.

    Marci- thank you for the hugs and good wishes. My mom just ordered me a meditation set of some sort. I'm looking forward to trying this with the guidance. I haven't had the focus or discipline to keep at it in the past without tapes. I'm walking right now for exercise. Running is better for my mood, but I paused it for chemo.

    Rosabella- thank you for explaining more about retraining your mind. This is good stuff. I am doing a bit of wallowing right now in what could be. I also do not want to spend how many years I have left in life miserable. I think that is why I'm trying to process it all now. I had found hope after my initial clear scans. Now i have a questionable scan and it just throws my right back into being scared and worried. I want to just be good with the world and whatever happens, not scan dependent. But just 3 months into treatment, perhaps I am asking too much.

    And I had assumed Lexapro was an anti-anxiety med! My MO ordered it for me during my first visit and I haven't researched it at all. It is doing a good job of keeping me from total meltdowns, like after my initial dx. Is this one of the dangerous anti-depressants?


  • Artista964
    Artista964 Member Posts: 530
    edited April 2018

    lexapro helps with both, and lexapro and celexa can be taken with tamox. I'm on celexa and tamox. The one that makes so many feel ill if they are late taking it or go off of it even slowly after a long time is effexor. Ive been on that too and never again. Took almost a month not to feel fluish.

  • EuroAmerican
    EuroAmerican Member Posts: 27
    edited April 2018

    I really understand how you feel. I was diagnosed with 2 different cancers in 1 calendar year. Truly I am a high achiever. I lost 15 lbs in few months. And looked the best in my whole life. I was already slim before. But after cancer I look like a super model:-) Well, I hit bottom of bottom. My kids were 12 and 14. I didn’t have any other family than my husband and mother who doesn’t speak English. 2 different primary cancers at age 40? Really? And no genetic link. One day I just decided to train my mind. Because I couldn’t live like this anymore. I decided whatever healthy days I have. They will be amazing. You have to be busy

  • gigibee
    gigibee Member Posts: 192
    edited April 2018

    In truth today is the only day we are guaranteed, and actually just this moment, not even the whole day. I also go to dark places, question every ache and pain, wonder when and if I will have a recurrence...I just decided if i do that I am not living this time that I do have right now to the best of my ability. Instead I try to be present, notice the little things in life, moments, soak in nature, practice compassion and know that everyone is struggling with something. Hugs to you, know that you have a lot of good company here.

  • Manc
    Manc Member Posts: 66
    edited April 2018

    Hii everyone had to reply to this thread Magnolia-mom sending you love. I've four children the youngest 15 so I'm blessed they are older but it's still so hard. My 18 year old son has been pretty much at home with me since 11 and now so is my daughter of 15. We are so so close as a family. They both have anxiety and need and love me so much. My son is inseparable from me so this cancer diagnosis has been my worst nightmare.


    Diagnosis November 2016 all treatment done except Anastrozole and Bisphosphonate Infusion but emotionally I've struggled. I'm better than I was but still think of recurrence all day. It's so so tiring. Last year this time I was very depressed and my poor children saw their competent upbeat mother fall apart. My son used to bring me cups of tea upstairs and set the shower up for me when my husband wasn't there as I was too depressed to do it.


    I've had some counselling and been on a low dose antidepressant which I've stopped now. I have an amazing family and an active member of a UK forum but still have this fear. I smile laugh and get on with the day but it's still there. I'm terrified for my children. I'm interested in how to stop my brain thinking bad thoughts. You're all amazing thank you for this thread

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2018

    EuroAmerican- You are amazing for making it through two cancers in one year. How overwhelming that must have been. I am impressed with all the traveling you did with your kids and you inspire me to take the trips I want to take. How did you manage to travel around treatment?

    Gigibee- Yes, I am working on the moments too. I lay outside on our trampoline and just watch the trees and listen to the birds sometimes. Might go do that right now. Thank you for the hugs and support.

    Manc- Thank you for the love. I am so sorry to hear how hard this has been for you even with older children. We homeschool, so I understand attached children. Do you have access to counseling for your kids? We have free counseling and programs for my kids in my community. Hugs to you.

  • Liben
    Liben Member Posts: 3
    edited May 2018

    Hi Magnolia-mom,

    Our situations are very similar. I was diagnosed in July 2017 with Stage IIIA, ER+, PR+, HER2- breast cancer. My youngest will turn 3 shortly. I'm praying everyday for 15 healthy years but I worry everytime I have pain or discomfort anywhere. They also saw 'mild focal activity' on my rib which they believe was a healing fracture. And like you, I also often wonder if they missed something. But when I asked my Doctor about the possibility of having that checked again his response was that it wouldn't change my treatment. I had dd AC-T, the tamoxifen, had my ovaries removed and I'm now on Aromasin. So I everytime I think about getting my scan files from the hospital and having them looked at by another expert I say to myself, what would I change about my life or my treatment if they found that it's something that should have been biopsied? (Btw, I still think about getting that done and also request an Oncotype test which they said I didn't qualify for because I'm node positive. I would love to hear from others their thoughts.) I plan to be on hormonal treatment for as long as I live. I'll always ask to have my estradiol level and tumour makers checked and I'll never take each day for granted ever again. So all that to say, everytime I get anxious, I have to push myself to think about what I would change if my worst fears came true. And when I find things I would do differently, I try to go out and do them. It's still a struggle but it's getting better and I hope someday it will not be the filter throught which I process everything.

    I'm sorry that you're going through this and I'm here to offer you support and solidarity.

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited May 2018

    Liben- yes, my 3 year old is my biggest worry too. My others are half way grown up, but little one still has so much growing to do. 15 years is my prayer too. But of course, I want more than this. I want to help them in their early adult years and then with their babies. It is never a good time to lose a mom. I'm trying to work through these worries with the realization that they will be okay. Sad sometimes, but okay. And sometimes great even, because that is how life works. We pull ourselves through, despite hard times. I married a wonderful man that is their daddy. He will take good care of them So then it becomes about me.

    I don't want to miss any of these life events. I want to grow old with this wonderful family and make so many more precious memories.

    My doctor said my rib uptake is less than 1% chance of being cancer. This helps. But then my lower back is hurting again and I've convinced myself that this is the mets. I still have to wait a while for follow up scan. I had to take an Ativan to calm myself down today. I'm so worried about dying, I am having a hard time living.

    I have also recently learned my tumor is very large and fear I am deeper into stage 3 than I had originally thought. Now I worry about lots of nodes involved and chest wall involvement. Waiting for surgery is very difficult. I have finally found the courage to feel my tumor and it makes me so angry that I didn't find it earlier. I want it out now. Looking at myself in the mirror without hair or eyebrows seems to confirm my worst fears. I am terribly ill. Even though I know it is the chemo.

    I'm glad you made it through the treatment and wish you all the years with your little one. I'm sorry you are feeling similar worries. Thank you for your support.

    I appreciate having this forum to vent. Family doesn't want to hear it. It feels good to get all of this yuck out of my system and know that there are others who can relate.

  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited May 2018

    Magnolia, I want to tell you of my stage 3c friend who was grade 3, large tumors both breasts. Her daughter was 6 months old when she was diagnosed. It was an aggressive cancer, chemo knocked it down she had so many positive lymph nodes, she had radiation 33 sessions twice and hormone therapy. Her daughter graduated from college last year. Minh is still cancer free. The statistics on survival are old many many people stage 3 survive many many years. Stage 4 also is not an automatic death sentence so many good treatments.

    Try to relax and take the anti anxiety meds things will get better.

  • Magnolia-mom
    Magnolia-mom Member Posts: 101
    edited May 2018

    Thanl you Meow13. I love stories of hope.

    My nurse practitioner said we could up my Lexapro. I am going to meet with a new counselor this week to see if I can work this out better on my own before upping my meds.

  • cajunqueen15
    cajunqueen15 Member Posts: 794
    edited May 2018

    Hi ladies! I have a 3 (almost 4) year old and twins who are 5 and just wanted to send some love your way. I am coming up on my third cancerversary and currently waiting too long for the results from my blood work, causing intense anxiety. There is a part of me that wishes I had not signed up for this clinical trial requiring such frequent blood work, because it's paralyzing waiting for the results. Especially when they are delayed.

    Being a mother of young children during cancer is unbelievably stressful and if you haven't been there, you'll never know. Yes, we all die and many die younger than me from things unrelated to cancer. But whereas most people probably think of this in passing occasionally, cancer (and I'm sure other chronic illnesses) smacks you on the head with this reality every day. Every...single...day.

    I pray. A lot. It's out of my hands and I know that the outcome could go either way. I tell myself that God will take care of my children with or without me. I have a two-time survivor friend my age who says "ignorance is bliss" and doesn't go for follow-up with her oncologist. And I get it. You can't live when you are focused on dying. "Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life?" Luke 12:25.

    I'm now going to go outside for a walk and find 10 things to be thankful for. And I pray that you find peace, mama. :-)

    ETA: I also decided to move forward, even in uncertainty. We bought the house I loved at the top of the budget. We are going to Costa Rica in 2 weeks. I started working fewer hours.

  • Manc
    Manc Member Posts: 66
    edited May 2018

    Beautiful words cajunqueen15 You Can't Live When Focused On Dying. I shall try ive found recurrence fears crippling since November 2016 diagnosis. My son is called Luke and and we are so close so the quote is lovely for me .

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