How do I stop freaking out?

Magnolia - I was where you were - 2 years ago. It is hard. My DD was 9 at the time. I too was on anxiety meds.

I had to grieve the life I used to know - which was believing that I was healthy - because I had never been sick before and move forward with the reality that everything is different now. A body that still seems foreign to me.

It does get easier though - it really does. The beginning, I have to say, is the hardest hardest part. It's so much to adjust to, its so much to get used to, and it's so much being thrown at you at one time it's overwhelming!!

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist that's really good and the fact that you're getting some exercise is excellent. Exercise is going to be your best friend in this. It will give you an outlet, it will make you feel good physically and mentally and it will do so much for you. Just keep at it - no matter how hard it might seem it's going to help you a lot!!! I wish I had done more of that in the beginning, but instead I hid in my room and I didn't go anywhere. I basically just lived like a hermit, because that's how down I was.

Please know, you're not alone there are many of us stage III'ers out there!!! (((Hugs)))

You have to train your mind every day. That’s what worked for me. You have to focus on individual day. Tell yourself you are ok today and enjoy this beautiful day. Don’t think about future. Stay away from Internet or limits the time. Be physically active, focus on nutrition.You could be healthy and die in a car accident. The year of my cancer diagnoses I went on vacation spree when possible. Europe, Hawaii, Caribbean, FL and CA all with my kids😂 Just live, live, live...

Hugs to you. I understand your freaking out. When I was first dx with BC I had a large 7 cm tumor too and 2 positive nodes. That was 14 years ago. My son was 7 years old then. Back then, I was a walking zombie some days. I did manage to crawl out of my pit. I have seen my son grow up, graduate from college and he is now working at a great job. The odds of no recurrence and/or surviving are with you actually. I know I was freaked out when they stated you have a 30% chance of recurrance at ten years. But that meant 70% of no recurrance. So, it could be worse. I had a friend die last year of esophageal cancer. Once he was dx, he lasted 10 months. And those 10 months he was sick and suffering. So, it is true it could be worse.

My first cancer bout, my angel of a friend from the cancer society (a breast cancer survivor too) drove me to my appointments and sat with me and went to aquafit with me. But then, she contracted ALS of all things and passed away within about 6 months. How unfair is that.

So, as scary as this all is, it could be worse. Thank god for these boards and the spirit of the women and men on here. Their courage and support has gotten me thru very dark times. And I am actually grateful after I got thru the horrid first years of BC that I realize how dark life can be. I feel more compassion for people now. You will get thru it. One step at a time. One day at a time. Your panic will lessen.

wallan

Hi Magnolia-mom:

I did have alot of scans scares along the way. Even the other day too. Its called scananxiety. Around the 8 year mark was the worse. I have the flu and they did chest xrays to see if I had pneumonia. They saw 3 nodules and told me it could be a recurrance of my BC. I had CT scans every 6 months for 2 years to see if they changed. They didn't so it was decided they are not breast cancer or cancer at all. That was the scariest of all the scans. I must admit though I did eventually lose my fear of scans. I thought I had beat it completely around the 10 year mark.

The first few years after dx were the hardest for me. I was sort of shell shocked and couldn't believe this was happening or had happened to me. As time passed though, I became more used to the "new normal" and by year 3 or so, BC was mostly in the background even though I was still going for clinical exams every 6 months. I just wasn't that afraid anymore. I was used to it. Adapted. So I know this will happen to you too. Scans may make you nervous every time, but even that anxiety lessens every time you have a clean scan. It just takes time. One day at a time I say.

Hugs again

wallan

What kind of scan did you have, Magnolia?  I had a full body CT Scan and actually that put my mind at ease. It's not something you can do every day, but the oncologist did it prior to surgery to rule out mets or other issues. 

It is hard to train your mind not to worry. One trick that I have used is wearing a certain bracelet and if I catch myself worrying a snap it -- literally -- Snap out of it! 

Be careful about starting certain anti-depressants, you need to keep totally focused for your children and family.

How I trained my mind is I've realized the fact that we all can do our best. We all have good and bad things happen. No one is exempt. Some get it worse but then they make the decision to adjust or wallow. The latter does 0. You see folks on the stage IV forum who have managed to enjoy the good days. If I become stage IV or something bad happens that is beyond my control, I'll have to accept it after going through the normal emotions. For bad things I can't control, I have to accept it and figure out how to cope. I can't allow my emotions get to the point of paralyzing me. I pop me psych meds and tamoxifen.

When my dad had his stroke he was crying on the phone to me that he wish he was dead. Im not near him so I was freaking out to my bro who lives closer and sees him. It took a bit but after my pick yourself up talk after his release from assisted living for a month, he had to decide. Thankfully he decided to view it as a challenge in improving his strength and range of motion on his left side rather than just saying im 79, not up for it. His PT says he is working very hard. He's very high risk to stroke again but his mind is there's no choice, if it happens I'll deal with it. Stressing about it doesn't help him. While such challenges that deal with health are terrible and difficult, we should wrap our minds around bad things can happen even if you are doing everything by the book. Dad was the healthiest person per his docs with 0 risk factors for stroke. So what I'm doing for my own mind sake in trying not to land in the psych ward again is accepting that stage IV can happen and knowing it will be work and meds to live on my own. So I'm pretty prepared if it hits as I am with any disease. I worked 10 years with patients in a surgeons office and heard many inspiring I want to be like you if stories. They had happier lives even with a devastating dx.

lexapro helps with both, and lexapro and celexa can be taken with tamox. I'm on celexa and tamox. The one that makes so many feel ill if they are late taking it or go off of it even slowly after a long time is effexor. Ive been on that too and never again. Took almost a month not to feel fluish.

In truth today is the only day we are guaranteed, and actually just this moment, not even the whole day. I also go to dark places, question every ache and pain, wonder when and if I will have a recurrence...I just decided if i do that I am not living this time that I do have right now to the best of my ability. Instead I try to be present, notice the little things in life, moments, soak in nature, practice compassion and know that everyone is struggling with something. Hugs to you, know that you have a lot of good company here.

Beautiful words cajunqueen15 You Can't Live When Focused On Dying. I shall try ive found recurrence fears crippling since November 2016 diagnosis. My son is called Luke and and we are so close so the quote is lovely for me .