Reactions of Friends

yup, it seems like when you have these major life altering events, everything shifts - like those kaleidoscope toys. Friends who were friends go away and suddenly new people arrive in your life.

"And you know my friend, Egads007'sFriend. She has diarrhea of the mouth."

Egads ..ugh .. unbelievable !!!!

jpBCfree, Thanks for asking the question regarding what is/was helpful. I've thought many times about what was/wasn't helpful. A literate friend loaned me a book to read for each chemo session, she has excellent reading taste so that was good. My daughter gave me a jigsaw puzzle and my son a set of crossword puzzles--these helped keep my mind occupied w/o being too taxing. A friend came to visit a couple of times and each time brought lunch so I didn't have to prepare anything for her. Having help cleaning the house was VERY helpful but that only happened once, lol. If I had it to do over again I'd have gotten my cleaning lady to come back (she stopped after I retired telling me I didn't need her). I did not have enough energy to clean and having a dirty house was depressing. I think a Blue Apron gift card or NYTimes meal kits or Hello Fresh meal kits would be a good gift. I signed up for Blue Apron because I couldn't think through what to buy/fix/eat. My son's mother-in-law loaned me the DVD collection of Upstairs/Downstairs. I loved that!

Regarding things people say, I didn't like it when I'd talk about brain damage from chemo and people would say, "You seem fine." or "That happens to me, it's just senioritis." The best comment came from a friend who saw me at the nadir of chemo, "You do look wounded, I won't mislead you; but you still look like yourself."

I'd love to hear more about what has helped others.

My GP thought she is doing some big service by counselling me .She started by saying - I hope you do understand how big your diagnosis is .Your 2018 is going to be very tough road with surgery chemo and radiations .

She thought she did a great job but after her consultation I broke down crying inside my car .That woman was literally making me feel that my cancer journey has begun and now get ready to get into some kind of Nazi concentration camp .

Really some people are so bad at communication that you end up distancing yourself from them .That is why my home is my cocoon and my husband and two boys are my lifeline .I can cry, laugh, get angry and express myself in whatever way I want with out being judged .

When I was first diagnosed, I tried to explain to my coworker (a healthcare provider!) what it was like to receive the diagnosis but without any details yet...it felt like my future was a big chalkboard and it was being wiped clean, because I didn't even know if I would be around for the future. His reply "Nahhhh! You'll be fine! Don't worry about it!". Later, when I returned to work after my surgery, he said "Man I've really been facing my mortality lately between [something that happened to someone else] and now you! (shaking his head)" ....How hard that must be for you!! (facepalm).

I had surgery before chemo. Another friend saw me a few weeks after my lumpectomy (before chemo or anything else). He said to me "Wow! You look great! Like before you looked sick, but now you look better." Ummmmm... I was not sick at that point, never had been. What did I look like before???

I have also had countless friends and family step up in so many ways, making me food, keeping me company, coming to appointments, helping me in so many ways transitioning from an apartment, to temporarily "homeless" (lived with my in-laws for 5 weeks), to buying my first home 2 weeks after chemo #1, and then helping me get that home liveable before chemo #2. There have been many more positive experiences than negatives from others!

Dear Puzzlewoman,

I hear you. Feel free to tell me here what you feel like talking about. I'm listening. I too felt like people did not want to talk about the things I needed to talk about, or if they did, then at that time I didn't. Like the timing was never quite right. Now I am all through everything and my emotions are all over the place. Anger and sadness just sprouting up like weeds! I can well imagine that people really don't know how this is affecting you given that they did not see dramatic physical changes. People really respond when they see someone going through chemo, but when you have your hair and your chest looks fairly normal it is hard for them to grasp the implications of a cancer diagnosis. I liken it to someone going through either a miscarriage or a stillbirth. And in many ways, not just that there are not actual physical manifestations to see, but also a lot of the taboo around talking about things. Like death and dying and spirituality.

Aren't we lucky to have therapists? My therapist has been a lifeline. I have the most amazing husband I could ask for but I still get lonely for someone to truly understand the power this illness carries in our psyches, and in our bodies. Sometimes I wonder if anyone can truly understand, as we do go through it essentially alone, each having her or his own experience and we do our best to relate to one another, but we are all individuals.

In a sense I have given up trying to find that perfect connection and understanding around this. I try to find that connection to humanity daily now with whomever I encounter, be it a server at a restaurant, a lab technician, and even in the natural world around me. Yes, friends know my history and more details, and we have our histories through life together, but what I think I am grasping toward is a connection to humanity, life force, and love. I do find it in moments, more and more, and the more I trust my spiritual practice I feel it as well.

But right here, right now, I smell what you're cookin' as The Rock likes to say . It can be a lonely road. So just know I walk besides you at this moment, truly. I am thinking of you with much love, much light, and the joy that we have come this far.

With love and hope.

Hi Puzzlewoman,

I hope the allergic reaction is clearing up! And I can only imagine the exhaustion from the radiation. Oh the dreaded "why didn't you tell me" friend when you are so right- you are under no obligation to tell anyone anything, and then they go and make the issue about themselves and not you. When someone does something like that my husband always secretly says "thanks for the information" since he gets to learn more about them as a person. I am sorry you had, or are going, through this with them. Is there anyway you can honestly tell them how that felt? If they are a good friend and person hopefully they will understand and show up for you. If not, then you do have some information and perhaps it can help you not waste your precious energy on their inability to deal with this.

Sending you best wishes right back!

This is my second time around, so although many people become more emotional/anxious with recurrence, I surprisingly have not. My blood pressure is stable, and I don't have stashes of kleenex in every nook and cranny. Outwardly, I made it through the first one like a breeze. No one saw me cry, no chemo, no radiation, and I was back to work with a smile on my face after both surgeries. This time, I'm sharing more emotion and have told more people than before. Two things are happening: "You'll be fine. You kicked its a$ last time." (I know the intent is to reassure me and show support, but as you likely know, it does no such thing.) And the news is creeping out faster than I can manage it. There are many people who warrant a personal conversation, but I haven't had the chance. They're hearing it second hand and some are getting offended. But like some of you have said, that's not my problem. I have told a few that I am about to get extremely selfish. Until I'm cancer-free, if it doesn't work for me, then it doesn't happen. Don't expect me to call you periodically with an update; if you want to know, ask.

One of my workout partners at the gym was almost combative this morning that I have confided in another person but not her. So I sat her down and started to share the journey, and she had about 12 seconds of attention span before she was talking with other people. After three "squirrels", I stopped talking. I'm part of some pretty large communities (Single Parent groups, gym, fitness and race training, etc) and I'm considering just throwing it out there to get ahead of the info creep. totally contrary to last time where I shared with people I HAD to, but it was never a public subject. And thankfully, people respected my need for privacy.

Aside from that, I was constantly humbled by the amount of support I received last time, from the most unlikely sources. A co-worker sent me a "daily giggle" every day for two months last time, and he resumed as soon as he got the news this time. Another co-worker offered to cash in some stocks if my insurance was lacking. (holy cow!!!) Meals until my freezer was overflowing, handyman projects, etc.

I hope you all are being loved like you deserve! This sh*t is no joke! The people who don't get it, don't get us.