Life Goals Lost

Options
Variable
Variable Member Posts: 77
edited April 2018 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I was diagnosed with Stage II IDC in July of 2016, in the middle of my attempt to secure my doctoral degree. I had a major paper due and had to sit for a major 2 hour exam within days of hearing I had cancer. Through some strange fog of existence, I managed to get through each task successfully. I switched my focus to survival, surgery, radiation, surgery for something else, surgery for another something to decrease my estrogen, and the great hormonal therapy debate; all resulting in ongoing health issues that are at the forefront of my mind. I function at work, can get through the day, but my drive for my education is lost. What was once so important, enjoyable, and possible, is now just...LOST. I don't care, cannot get going on my exit requirements, and am downright defeated. I was a strong student, in the top 5 % of my program, and now will FAIL at my second most important goal. I wish I could be the overachiever I once was, I just can't find it in me anymore. While grateful for many things, I just do no like the exister I have become.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2018

    Variable,

    We're so sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. It's very common for those who have gone through breast cancer to struggle to find a "new normal." Have you tried talking to a professional? Perhaps a therapist? It's common also to have depression or even PTSD after a breast cancer diagnosis, do you think perhaps this could be what you're experiencing?

    We hope others will join in soon to share their experiences with emotional adjustments after diagnosis -- you're surely not alone!

    Big Hugs,

    --The Mods

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Georgia1
    Georgia1 Member Posts: 1,321
    edited March 2018

    Variable, i'm so sorry to hear that you're down. Like the mods said, breast cancer can cause depression, so getting a referral from your primary care physician seems worth doing. Also, have you tried looking for a career coach? Perhaps in the midst of all of this your priorities have changed, and finding joy may be less about a PhD than a different job, volunteer work or travel right now. It's hard sometimes, but give yourself permission to ask for help and investigate a range of options that make the person you are today happier.

    Do let us know how we can help.


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited March 2018

    Hi Variable:

    Hugs to you. I can relate to you. The same thing happened to me. I was in the final stages of my PhD, had secured a lucrative research associate job that I was to start in July 2004 and was working on finishing up a published article and my thesis. I was diagnosed with stage 3 BC in March 2004. I had to undergo mastectomy, nodes out, chemo, radiation, hysterectomy/oophorectomy, hormone therapy...The chemo started in June so I had to turn down my new job. The thesis and paper were postponed. A year passed before I got back to my program. But, like you, I returned unmotivated, cried at the drop of a hate and wondered what I was doing back. It took me several months, with one foot in front of the other to keep going. When tamoxifen caused bleeding and then I had to have my uterus and ovaries out about 4 months into returning, I felt completely defeated. Truly. I was depressed and I did get therapy.

    It is now 14 years since I had my first mastectomy. I did finish my PhD and started a postdoc. After a few years of the research, I took a job as an application scientist in industry and haven't looked back. I must say, my ambition and drive did return, but I have never been the same. I am very aware of my mortality now. And others peoples mortalities. It woke me up.

    In Jan 2013, I had BC in my other breast - this time stage 1, no nodes. No chemo or rads needed. I did have another mastectomy, reconstruction surgery and am on hormone therapy. I tell you, after all the struggle to get back to some kind of grounding, it was devastating to hear BC again It has now been a year, and though I am fatigued, I am getting my bearings back again. I must say, I have changed yet again and more profoundly. I no longer tolerate people's bad behavior and I do alot of self-love and compassion. I returned to my job 6 months ago and I am still not up to the speed I was and I don't care. I am living my life the way I want now and its a great gift actually. I only work to pay bills and don't care if I climb the ladder as they say. My priorities did change without my forcing them too. I sometimes wonder if I should pursue something more meaningful now and I just may. I sort of live day to day and follow my inspirations, and go with the flow. Long term career ambitions are too exhausting as a dedicated goal. However, if I get there living day to day I will enjoy it. I guess I am saying I enjoy the present more and follow my heart as corny as that sounds. Its less stressful.

    I hope you can find peace and your bearings faster than I did. But it will come. You need to give yourself time and compassion.

    The people on these boards are great for that compassion.

    Hugs again

    wallan

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Falconer
    Falconer Member Posts: 1,192
    edited April 2018
    Ladies, I can relate as well. I am a teacher, one who has worked not only in a public school but also with the local university to write about teaching and present at conferences. Since BC, I have zero motivation to return to that end of my work. I am seeing a therapist, and have, since dx. We've talked about my loss of drive often enough. My feeling (though I have no science to back this up) is that the estrogen loss through hormone treatment has taken away some of my energy.
    But here's the bright side, perhaps. While before, I'd be running around working for everyone else, now I'm more grounded and here for my family. I'm here. I feel more solid and more connected to my family than I did before- perhaps spreading myself too thin in the past- now very present with my smaller tribe instead.
    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited April 2018

    Very interesting posts. There used to be a thread here called “Time to circle the wagons.” I didn’t follow it but I always thought how apropos that title was. We do tend to circle the wagons after a dx. Being more grounded is a good description, not sweating the small stuff is another. We are not who we were. I have become quite selfish with my time, concentrating on what I want to do and on the home front. A lot of the things I was passionate about before have taken a back seat. I’m good with that.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Catsme
    Catsme Member Posts: 74
    edited April 2018

    Agree, this is an interesting thread. And somewhat relieved that others are feeling like this as well..

    The company I'd worked for 30 years, restructured two months after I returned from bc surgery. I took the severance package, and found another job almost immediately, doing similar work as an internal consultant. After 7 months on the new job, I realized my passion was gone, as was my tolerance and patience for the corporate life. I realised now how life can change so quickly, and I want to spend my time enjoying more and stressing less. I gave notice two weeks ago, and have agreed to stay on to on board my replacement.

    I am scared, but also excited as I will now have time to really consider where my passions are and pursue those. I'm most concerned about health insurance, and this is what kept me hanging on to the job. But will have COBRA, and move to something through the ACA later this year. I' also considering early retirement. I know I'm blessed to have options.

    I too have been working with a counselor since dx.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ClaireBear47
    ClaireBear47 Member Posts: 9
    edited April 2018

    I hear myself in all of you--love the "circle the wagons" quote. I'm pretty early on this journey and what I have seen in myself is a stoicism at the beginning to get through and make Christmas great for the family to being fanatic about healing during my mastectomy recovery. Now that I am going through the weekly tissue expansions I finally realized all I have been through and PTSD has hit me like a truck. I made an appointment with a counselor for mid April--and seeing that many of you work with one confirms that was the right decisions. I know I am forever changed...in good ways too.. searching for a new normal.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Variable
    Variable Member Posts: 77
    edited April 2018

    Thank you everyone for your posts and messages. I am inspired by so many of you on this site.

    I agree with you that my lack of motivation is related to depression and anxiety. Another ironic twist is that I am in the mental health field and have a very clear understanding of how various therapeutic modalities work. I understand my thoughts and feelings, and what I should do to improve my situation; I again just don't have the drive to reengage in my educational dream. I still want it, just can seem to make it a priority.

    For those who suggested a career change, my job is very rewarding, and I love going to work everyday. Even during my worst days of treatment, work has been a comforting distraction. I do consult with my supervisors often to get honest feedback on my performance post diagnosis, as I will never allow my problems to have a negative impact on my work. According to others, my personal issues have not presented any problems at work; though again, I feel like I am not as good as I was before BC.

    As always, I am grateful for many things and hoping for the best. I will figure this out, and am very aware that somedays are better than nodays!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Sweet_Pea
    Sweet_Pea Member Posts: 178
    edited April 2018

    I, too, hear myself in all of you. My dx was last summer and many times since then I have felt like I'm just going through the motions of things instead of doing them with gusto or being fully present. I'm not even on Tamoxifen anymore (they took me off it because I started to have debilitating migraines), so I can't blame the change on any drugs. But as my exchange surgery approaches at the end of the month, I'm struck with how little drive I have in general.

    I'm working with a therapist and also with a career coach, but I feel so sluggish I'm not sure it's the right moment to be with the career coach. That said, I've started fantasizing about new and different dream jobs. For example, what if I could somehow start a foundation or organization to help women get 3D nipple tattoos after masectomies? There are people willing to donate, people skilled in doing the tattoos, and certainly women who would like them but can't afford them or will have trouble affording them. I have a couple of major obstacles to work on before setting a goal that big, but sometimes it helps me to dream a bit.

    What helps you?

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Georgia1
    Georgia1 Member Posts: 1,321
    edited April 2018

    Variable, thanks for the follow-up post. As you can see, many of us have similar challenges so you're certainly not alone. I'm glad to hear you enjoy your job, and if you're also good at it, then maybe put the more ambitious goals on hold for awhile. Being a nice person, getting well mentally and physically, and being present at work is a success in itself after breast cancer!

    SweetPea, I like that idea!


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ElaineTherese
    ElaineTherese Member Posts: 3,328
    edited April 2018

    Hi Variable and others!

    I continue to work as a college professor, but post-BC, I'm not sure that I'll ever finish my second book. My heart just isn't in it. I've had a few articles published (which is better than nothing), but I've decided to focus more on my teaching than my research. I love working with students, and no one really reads most of the research in my field. Even so, there are days when I just don't feel like grading, which is the absolutely worst part of my job.

    To inspire myself to grade and work on smaller research projects, I've borrowed the following saying from St. Francis of Assisi:

    "Start by doing what is necessary; then do what is possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible."

    Every day, I wake up thinking: what is necessary to get done? How much can I complete today? Then, I move on to doing what is possible. Will I ever do the impossible? Who knows? But, I know that it is wrong to worry about doing the impossible today.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited April 2018

    Good discussion. I've been feeling very slug-like lately. I started writing my “to do list" on a paper-sized white board. I put really easy things on it, like eat breakfast, do dishes, exercise, yadayadayada. Rarely do I get more than half done, but it does feel good to cross a few things off. And often I'll get the carryovers done the next day or that week. If I don't, no biggie. Also I tell myself I only have to do things for 15 minutes. Then I can quit. I'll even tell Alexa to remind me. Generally I'll be wrapped up in the project by the time the 15 mins is up. I know this is a bit off topic. By those are some of the tricks I use to try to move forward.


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Georgia1
    Georgia1 Member Posts: 1,321
    edited April 2018

    Thank you, FarmerLucy. I too am a fan of the list: even if it just says go to the store and make dinner it helps and I feel successful!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories