My Husband, My Life, My Love, My Family, My Cancer

Happy Friday! I’m loving the pic’s vacation, tortoise and snow.

stress is starting to hit hard for this surgery. Whoa. What was I thinking ? Scared would be a good word maybe. Not ready for more pain. Cancer sucks. Cancer is sad. Cancer ruins things. Families,people. Love. Life. Innocence and we just have to struggle everyday to just get the basics done. Is it too much to ask to keep the body parts we were born With??? Too much to ask?? Why does all the shit happen when you have had enough stress to last a lifetime. It makes no sense to me. How things like this happen. No one can even do anything about it. Except pump us full of poison that eventually come out somewhere else later. I hate you cancer. Leave us alone. ~M~

SEnding lots of love right back to you Micmel!!! Keeping you in my prayers too for this surgery! I know it’s going to be hard but truly if I could go back and do it all over again I would have reconstruction! That’s been one of my greatest regrets through all of this, that I didn’t have reconstruction! It would’ve made a huge difference in the way I looked at myself, and may have just changed everything! So know that you’re in my prayers and I’m checking in every once in a while to make sure you’re OK!

Keetmom, hope you are feeling ok today.

Love your pictures Tanya, and illimae, and more snow! How I miss travelling. I travel between Spain and UK and Ireland, but how I long for real distance. When I was first diagnosed and treated and well again DH and I travelled to Canada,Thailand, Hong Kong, Vietnam, Singapore, also within Europe. I realise I will never be able to do all that again, but I am so glad I did. Now I feel sometimes it is just too stressful to think about.

Micmel, try not,to think too much about next week. Try to look forward, it will soon be over and done, and you will be on the mend, feeling positive again about yourself. You are a strong woman!!

3 sessions of radiotherapy done this week. Treatment week next week. Sick of hospitals, sick of being sick, feeling very sorry for myself ladies. Know there are others feeling this way. Group hug. Love to all x

My thoughts exactl

Micmel, I read your words and the hair stands up on my arms because I can absolutely identify. I literally bristle in the presence of your raw and real truth. We all fear where this roller coaster ride is going to take us. You have a lot to struggle with and I hear the weariness and sadness and bitter disappointment in your words and I wish to hug you, and bring you a cup of tea and just sit with you and then pour some whisky into your tea and paint each of your toenails a different colour.

If love could float on winds and sift under your door your house would be full of swirling energy and murmuring voices of women, so many women, who daily walk the walk that you also walk. IT would be a thick fog of comfort and strength. You can't see it. You can't feel it. But it is there. We are hugging you now.

I too, am sick and tired of this disease, I am sick and tired of being sick and 😫. Sick and tired of a house full of people, sick and tired of dealing with mil problems, sick and tired of worrying about Dh upcoming surgeries, wondering how I, I who is exhausted, hurting, aching, dizzy. How will I dress him, how will I bathe him, how will I drive him to pt, when I feel like this?

Hugs and prayers.

Seems like we are all on the same page this week. It's overwhelmingly enough everyday. But then look ahead into years. I am two years and three months out from my diagnosis and it still feels like yesterday someone told me I was loosing my hair, my breast, and possibly my life. It also seems that for some reason having cancer doesn't be seem to be enough for someone .... throw on top other issues. Like Bigbhome mentioned. DH worrying about him, MIL worrying about her. We have enough to do deal with just having cancer. Why does shit keep piling up?

Medical Bills, deductibles that add up yearly and are staggering because of the debt piling up. I think the shit piles up and that is what makes me loose my will to fight. I watch other people needing help around me. And I am useless with worry just like Bigbhome just said. “How will I get all this done “. “I am so sick and tired". How are we expected to endure more? And why? We clearly have more than we can take. It makes no sense at all. I could beat my head against the wall for hours and nothing would change, except adding a Head ache. It is like living in quick sand, and then once we wade out of that, the quick sand turns into muddy muck thick and deep, while we are on our knees trying to do the simplest things, like offering to take care of our sweet DH's should they need it. Or even tying to make a grocery run without looking like death warmed over. I have this surgery Friday. Maybe it will give me back a-missing piece of me, maybe not. But the suffering I see and hear makes me more than angry, it makes me want to crawl away and hide, like a wild animal does in the wild, when they know that there time has come. At least then, I wouldn't hear the word cancer and I would not be struggling and fighting with everything I have, against an enemy I can't see or punch or kick or even have a chance against. My mind set changes daily it seems, I was just starting to settle into my 40's. Extremely happily married. Extremely and there are not enough extremelys to get my point across.. and then the channel changed! My remote will no longer go back to the channel that used to be my life. It's all gone. Now I am this broken vessel that leaks fuel daily, and never runs right ever. That is who I am now. And forever. I'm sorry if you all ever have felt this way.. it truly sucks. And I would not wish that on anyone. But if you do, and if you are feeling this way, you're not alone. They don't say misery loves company for nothing. I care for you all so very much. Much love ~M~

Let’s all go to bigbhome’s house! We’ll do some housework, help out with mil, lay out some skinny jeans and a concert tee for DH, then relax by the pool doing shots and getting our toenails painted.

That’s the image that popped into my head, I hope it provides a laugh and doesn’t sound disrespectful. Wishing you all a mellow weekend 🙂

Ha! Mae, you crack me up!! Sounds great to me! Oh, except no tee shirt for Dh, he can only wear button down and you have to button it! Shots and toenails! Can each one be a different color? I can make kick-ass margaritas!

bigbhome Kick everyone out of your house, take the battery out of your phone and throw it in the pool, go for a long ride. Then stay invisible to everyone except your DH until he is recovered. You have done enough, the rest will have to wait.💞

Can I bring chocolate? It has always been my miracle food

Runor~. Oh how I adore you my friend. You're words are like whispers in the wind. Thank you for those kind words. Bigbhome~ sending hugs to you. I'm sorry you're also having a hard time. You're on my mind.

Lynne(50's)~Chocolate delicious. White, dark chocolates, or what's your favorite? I love chocolate as well. It's one thing I find hard to let go of as much.

Mae~ you're always right on time. As I remember the picture of your colors of skinny jeans laying all perfectly in a row! Beautiful rainbow. Which is what we all need!

Grannax~ you darling woman. Always make me smile. My wedding shoes came in, they are prettier in person. Now I have to practice walking....instead of falling.

Minnie ~ beauty, i am Sorry you’re also having a hard time with pain! That Will drain you every time! Zaps all energy all enjoyment!

Much love to all ~M~

Come on, Micmel! What are you waiting for? You know what those shoes are, don't you? Those are the magic kind. The click together three times and wish a tornado out of the sky, kind. Close your eyes, see us all at your house in one big toenail painting, whisky sipping, house cleaning bunch of craziness where bad hair days and lopsided boobs are just A-Okay! Now click those heels my dear and repeat, there's no place like home, there's no place like home........

you guys crack me up. That helps me tremendously! Thank you each for being here and part of this support. I still can't Believe I am less than a week out. Now. I think I can i think I can. Click click come on shoes. Do your magic!! 👠 👠 ruby red slippers activate. Lol oh wait that was kid powers!! Darn.... thought I was on to something there.... I could use a manicure! Gonna be a windy week in my house. Since I'll need you all surrounding me! Much love~M~