Advice please

vmd · January 2007

My former spouse has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The diagnosis is very fresh (2 weeks ago). I am still in shock and cannot seem to reconcile many complex emotions that I am experiencing. I am constantly sad, anxious, hopeless, worried, etc. We have a child together who is almost 11 years old. I am devastated that this had to happen to my ex and my daughter. I am unable to bear how my daughter will respond to the news. My ex-wife will be informing our daughter sometime next week just before she starts treatment. My daughter does not live with me and is very close to her mother. In addition, since my ex-wife will be unable to work, I will be responsible for providing for them financially. I will be raising my child support voluntarily to cover as many costs as I can.

The breast cancer appears to be advanced at diagnosis, possible there will be metastasis. This week she had scans and will receive the results next week. The doctor has recommended she start chemo on February 5 to decrease the size of the tumor. The tumor was large at first diagnosis and that is why I expect bad news with respect to metastasis. Anyway, I apologize for the long post. I am unable to function and would like to know what I can do. I need to stay healthy in order to provide for them, but as a teacher, having to go in front of my classes everyday feeling depressed is extremely difficult. Thank you.

Hattie · January 2007

I'm sorry this happened to your loved ones.

Try to stay with what you know--I had a huge tumor that responded well to chemo and my nodes were later negative for cancer. Take it one step at a time. There is treatment available and most women with bc live thru it or with it; most don't die from it.

My kids handled it ok--we said we expected me to be fine, and two years later, we're doing well. We were very positive around them (saved our worries and tears for when they were not around). there is a good book for kids calledd "last year, this year" by Kelly Corrigan--it puts treatment into perspective. It's a picture book.

Try to focus on what you are doing at each moment--be present with your students when you are at work as much as you can. It helps.

Things actually get a little easier when you have more info and start the treatment plan.

Your ex may want a notetaker at her appts or a tape recorder. Bringing dinner or doing chores when she does chemo is really helpful.

Take care,
--Hattie

Chrysalis · January 2007

A large tumor does not automatically translate to metastasis. Don't jump to conclusions, although under these dire circumstances, it is certainly easy to let your imagination run away with you.

I also have an 11-year old daughter. and though I don't know yours, as a group, I think they're a little volatile, since they are only steps away from puberty. As such, I would focus on what you can do for your daughter. Essentially, being there for her, and especially inviting her to confide in you what she may not be able to discuss with her mom (fears, etc.) will be helpful - both for your daughter and your ex-wife. I know that anything that people did for my kids was a huge relief and help to me too.

One thing that we made sure to tell our kids is that there are lots of things that won't change in their lives. We focused on the structure they already had, rather than how their lives would be turned upside down by my dx. We explained, "you'll still go to school, do your homework, go to your activities, we'll still bug you to clean your room and walk the dog, etc." Taking the focus off of your daughter's mom may help.

You certainly sound like a reasonable man, and very generous and gracious. Please let your ex-wife know that her diagnosis is not a death sentence - we're all still here and kicking. All of you will make it through this.

Good luck to you and your daughter and ex-wife. Please let us know how all of you are doing.

Renee

vmd · January 2007

Hattie and Renee:

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I will try to incorporate your suggestions into my daily activities. Our daughter is a worrier, as am I, and that is part of my concern. I am going to be calling the American Cancer society to find out about local support groups for caregivers, as well. I will let you know what the scans show. Please keep us in your prayers.

KariLynn · January 2007

If you aren't planning on it, it might be good if you were with your daughter and wife when she tells her the news. That will be a visual reminder that no matter what happens, she will still have you and won't go through this alone.

I hope your ex's tests come back as good as they can and you are worrying about things that will never happen.

Take care,
Kari

vmd · January 2007

Thank you Kari. Your thoughts and suggestions are very much appreciated.

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · January 2007

A woman who has cancer needs someone to lean on, to take her to doctor visits, to take notes, to make meals, to clean house, to change the kitty box, to rub her head to soothe her to sleep, to make her feel that she is not alone now or ever.

I don't know what kind of relationship you have with your ex-wife, or what the two of you want, but I would think it's OK to be friends now and to be close again. A couple of ours who are close friends are in their second marriage. When his ex-wife was diagnosed with cancer, both he and his wife went to her side, took care of her, washed her, and supported her through all stages of her illness. Jealousy was never an issue. They told me that this really helped the kids that the husband and his ex had had together, and made it easier for everybody.

Mizsissy

vmd · January 2007

Mizsissy:

I would like to support her in any way that I can. As it turns out, she is involved with another gentleman. Nevertheless, I told her I am with her in spirit and that she can rely on me whenever she needs to. She is a very strong woman and she seems to be taking the news better than I am. Then again, this could be good acting on her part. Thanks for the reply.

NOLONGERREADINGORPOSTING · January 2007

You are very kind and gracious. I have heard that something like 80% of husbands whose wives have cancer leave them. Things may change and she and your children are very lucky to have someone like you to depend on.

vmd · January 2007

Eighty-percent? Coping with cancer is more than enough of a challenge, but to purposely add more misery to the situation is sinful. On the other hand, I read about many husbands on these boards who are very supportive.

cowgirl · January 2007

It all depends on your outlook, now is the time to be positive and supportive which it sounds like you are! Praying for you and your family. Kids do very well with a cancer diagnosis, my kids did a lot better than I could imagine.

vmd · January 2007

cowgirl:

I hope you are right. Thank you for your prayers. How our daughter will responsd is what keeps me up at night. She will be told later this week. I am trying to be positive in the midst of great anxiety.

blvmshann · January 2007

Hi vmd:
My husband left my children and I almost three years ago. He has taken this opportunity (my cancer) to increase the pinch and stress he puts on me. I think you are wonderful to be so kind to your family. They will always be your family, no matter what. Hang in there, you are in my prayers. Any chance of reconcilliation??

beth1225 · January 2007

vmd, I am so absolutely in awe of you. You are a wonderful man to be supportive of his ex. Mine would not be putting up with any of my health problems. he told me to go to my mom's before a routine colonoscopy! Anyway, my dh is so much more like you. He is with me 150% and all the way no matter what. Stick by her and it will mean so much more for your children and it gives them an example to live by.

Anonymous · January 2007

vmd, I agree with the lady that said the gentleman may not stay with your ex through this. I don't think the percentage is that high but I do know alot of men just can't handle it. Some of them start out thinking they can manage and it's much harder than they realize it's going to be.
I do hope the two of you live close enough together that your daughter would still be in the same school district if she needed to come to your house before or after school. Your little girl really needs you to stay positive and not let her see that you're worried. You have to be strong for her.
Everything seems over powering now but once she finds out the results of her tests and gets a treatment program actally set, it will ease the stress. It's very admirable of you to be so concerned and to want to help. You should take an active role for your daughter. And this is a disease that does effect the whole family but you must keep in mind that your ex-wife is the one that feels the full force of it. I wish you all the best.

Cheri

vmd · January 2007

blvmshann, Beth, and Cheri:

I am very thankful that I found this website. Your words of encouragement, support, and suggestions are greatly appreciated.

At this juncture, my ex is only requesting financial support. However, if she decides she requires more from me, I have told her I will be there for her. Considering the challenge we are about to face, I would like to be more involved, but I also understand her current circumstances do not lend themselves to such a possibility. I leave all of this in God's hands.

We are both very apprehensive about how our daughter will handle the news. However, we are going to make every effort to maintain our daughter's routine.

Annie62 · February 2007

VMD,
I just wanted to give you my experience re: kids. When diagnosed, I had a 2 yr old and a 13 yr. old step-daughter. The 13 yr. old had a friend whose mom went through this the year before I did, and she saw someone come out of treatment apparently healthy so she never really worried about me that much. (I am stage IIIC - small tumor but 11/19 lypmph nodes positive). The two yr. old obviously too young to understand that I was even sick. The next yr., a pre-school mate of hers mom is going through the same thing and that kid had soooo many behavior problems and was asking, Mom are you going to die? I think they shared too much info with him. You need to tell your kid what they are ready for - not too much, not to little. Important for them to see survivors. There are ACS programs for kids you might want to look into. Also, she might like to participate in Relay for Life or some other activity that makes here feel like she's helping her mom. My step-daughters friends told me that when i did the 'survivor lap' at Relay for Life, she got choked up. We are forming a team of our own this year. You might want to look into something like that.

Good luck with everything. Bless you for being a support to your ex.

vmd · February 2007

Annie:

Thank you so much for your ideas. My ex did say she would give our daughter a role to play in the process. Like you, I think that will help. I am also concerned about sharing information that our daughter will not be able to assimilate or that will frighten her. Unfortunately, I cannot control what she sees on TV or what her friends decide to say to her regarding this illness. It will be a difficult process, but the stories I read on these boards bolster my commitment to fighting this illness.

jz20022001 · February 2007

My daughter was 10 when I was diagnosed. My husband didn't want to tell her anything but I disagreed. It's important for kids to know what's going on and they always pick up things anyway. I just told her that I was sick and would need lots of tests and some surgery. I kept it very brief and matter-of-fact. That seemed to work very well.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Catherine

vmd · February 2007

Catherine:

Yes, we also believe she needs to know. On the other hand, I am not certain how we are going to discuss prognosis with her, especially if the cancer has metastasized. One good thing is that the women on the "Recurrence and Metastasis" discussion are very optimistic.

jz20022001 · May 2007

Hi, I have not checked the boards as often as I used to. I just saw your reply today - 5/31/07.

I hope you are doing okay. Keep us posted.

Catherine

Advice please

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