I can't get my act together and I don't know why

I just found this thread. Sorry, this one is going to be long, because it's been so long since I've shared.

Boy do I relate to the theme of clutter I've been reading throughout as a metaphor/reflection of feeling out of control, disorganized, a mess, useless, ashamed, unworthy and isolated. It's no wonder we're depressed, anxious, traumatized, fearful, resentful, exhausted, weighted down. I don't know about all of you, but I know I feel beat down sometimes.

I try to find the gifts in this experience, and there are and were many; renewed sense of family, finding out how many people cared for me, the opportunity to reinvent myself and find a better balance. But the losses are at least equal to the "gifts." I lost my breasts to the surgeon's knife, my youth to chemopause, and my energy to treatment, infections and I guess the grief that has seeped into my bones and is only now starting to surface to consciousness. I can no longer, and no longer have the will to do my life's work, which I loved.

Sure, I have the opportunity to reinvent myself, but the stress of knowing that my time is limited by my bank account sometimes feels crushing.

I used to be on bc.org many times a day, but I dropped off and out sometime late October after having recurrent cellulitis infections post-bilat. mastectomy and DIEP flap surgery. When the infectious disease doc told me that the infections could continue to recur - the last one had gone into my bloodstream and I was hospitalized for nearly a week - I decided that the cancer hadn't killed me, I wasn't going out in a blaze of infection. I took a leave from work.

Nearly three months later, none of my plans to declutter have come to fruition. I'm up to my ears in clutter. I used to work 50-60 hours a week, and still managed to make sure our home was in decent, if relaxed, basic order, that we were all fed fairly properly , dressed in clean clothes... Sure, some stuff slipped, ok, a lot slipped, but it was manageable, mostly.

I can't believe how that now, when I've had nothing but time, I've managed to do so little.

Anyway, I could write for hours. I'm not generally as low as this post reads. I really do know where much of my time has gone - 2-3 weeks to recover from infections, caring for mother who was hospitalized twice with pneumonia and went into rehab nursing home for three weeks, caring for mother-in-law, who had a stroke and is now in rehab nursing home, caring for chronically ill 13 y.o. son, who was home for three days with projectile vomiting, running to doctors with my husband to make decisions about how to treat the 2.6 inch meningioma/90% chance benign tumor in his brain...

And now, this week, I'm on crutches and need to follow up with an orthopedist about whether I have a torn meniscus in my knee or am developing arthritis. So, I'm not a slacker. I have reason to feel less than par. I am going to local support groups, a counselor. I have friends and family I love.

Bottom line, I think we all need to give ourselves a break, not feel so guilty for feeling our feelings, for not being the poster children for breast cancer. Our lives were turned upside down. It's actually encouraging to see so many women here sharing how you have been helped medically and therapeutically. It's also encouraging to know we're not alone and that we don't always have to show our brave and perennially optimistic face. I'm a little tired of being brave. But being able to share here let's me vent and then move on.

In this or last week's Time magazine, the one on the brain, with some truly amazing articles, there was a book review. Apparently someone wrote a book, which posits that "messy is the new neat." Says we're stressing way too much over trying to be perfect. Says the most effective managers are the ones who pile things on their desks, because they're not wasting time on keeping things perfectly straightened. Cool.

And there's a really good website for all of us, which when I feel up to I will go back to. Flylady.com. It's all about taking baby steps and being consistent. She doesn't expect us to do more than 15 m./day decluttering. Lots of really helpful stuff on the website.

Feeling loads better today. Turns out that my knee is not arthritic. Will have an MRI next week, but doc thinks that I just need to do some exercises to loosen my quadriceps and hamstrings to heal up the pain. Very encouraging.

Now I just need to figure out how to make a livable wage doing something I love. I think we could use a thread on that topic alone. In fact, I think I'll start one.

I have been away from here for a while and am so glad I found this thread. There isn't one of you who hasn't replied that I can't relate to. No point in me typing it all out because I feel just the same. I really need to be with people who "get it."

I too am in a mess here and have been for a while. Now my house is generally surface cleaned but I live in the woods (pine needles) have two dogs, and one of our cats (we have 10 lets not go there) lives upstairs in the house. My biggest problem is the projects that have accumulated. Stashing stuff in the garage or the spare bedroom etc. you all know the drill.

Somebody put it quite well. No desire. NONE. And I think I find that more mind boggling than anything. I have had a House Cleaning Service for 17 years so it isn't that I don't like cleaning (yes I'm strange) I just don't have that desire. I also do weddings and Home Staging on the side (real estate sales) and so I love making a home decorating all that I just don't have the uumph to do it here.

I mean you know things are out of control when your dbf ask where your purse is and you say in the office, he says where and you say well are you blind right there in a box on the floor. Don't trip over it! Yep my purse was a box for the month of December.

Well I finally got my purse situation straightened out and I'm sure it'll look like the black hole in another week but I'm doing the same that has been mentioned here. Baby steps. I'm not a big fan of fly lady but it does work for a lot of people and doing things bit by bit is better than being overwelmed. And much healthier. So in the last month (been down with lat flap recon) I have managed to clean out my make-up drawer, my toothpaste drawer, my closet, my pantry,part of my files, my sock drawer, and just started on the spare room today while cleaning. Sounds like a lot but it took me forever. I just went really slow.

I've always, even since I was a kid (strange child) been one to spend 15 in the am and at night before bed wiping down and picking up. I'm just now after being a year out from treatment getting back to that. (have a list for that if anyone wants it)

Thank-you to all of you for validating how I have been feeling. I really really thought it was just me.

And for those of you who think your house may be too much for a house keeper, trust me they have probably seen a lot worse. So pat yourselves on the back and give yourselves a lot of love.

Hi,
Last week, after three weeks back to work [and crashing and burning at least once a week], I finally gave myself permission not to be superwoman. I was the only one expecting me to bounce back to my 110%.

Am glad to find out that I'm not alone. Thanks for all the posts. Take care!!
Jan

"BC is not getting the best of you - think of it as part of your treatment - because it is - it's just treating your emotional health instead of physical..."

Ginney - I can't thank you enough. Your comments about treating my emotional health made sense to me. I've finally started taking xanax daily, and am starting to feel that I can handle things better. Sometimes, getting someone else's perspective opens our eyes, and I don't feel like such a failure at this BC game. Thanks so much. Hope you are feeling well. - Sandy

Juls77, you have a drawer for your toothpaste?
hahahahahahahahah
I have got to get me one of those.

I also plowed through the mountain of papers recently to find out where I'm at with owing money. I started a different thread to talk about that fiasco.

I have several items that appear to be in collections, some of them for quite some time. I got curious about my credit report last year and I think there was only one medical item showing up.

I was even more surprised that my phone bill didn't show up. I switched carriers in 11/05. I made a point of paying my phone bill very promptly that time because the new company would not take me with an overdue bill. Two checks I mailed that november got lost, and the phone bill was one of them!

When they kept sending me bills, I'd think 'gimme a break, I already paid that.' Six months later I was in collections and that lost check never did show up, so I finally paid what I owed. What a stupid thing to have as a black mark on my report, I thought. Lo and behold, it's not on my report!

My suggestion is to not worry about about something that's only $100.

Bumping this post up. The Michigan ladies were trying to remember Patrice's sign-on name because we found her posts so funny.

So, we hear that the missing fallopian tube post is also missing!

xxxooo
Nancy

I just quickly read this thread. Boy can I relate! My one issue is that I've dragged everyone else in the house down too. We all are slugs now even with things we like to do. I do think organization is the word of the day, week and year. Not only am I not doing half the stuff at half the rate I used to do it, my hubby thinks only I can get er done so it sits and waits for me. On the flip side, I only care once in a while and the rest can and does wait. We are slugging along and managing to only slide a bit back so I still have hope that this burst of energy will hit me face on and I will be able to make some headway. The whole thing does bother me a bit but not so much that I really am worried about it. I do not think that othersa can understand this concept but no longer worry about what they think. I did move some clothes around from laudry room to bedroom to closet. I also know that soon and very soon, I will need to put winter stuff away and find summer stuff. I have managed to do this the last few seasons and expect that this too will be in the near future. The good news is a little warmer weather and a little bit of sunshine does go a long way to decrease the slugdom.