Feminism, time for change and cancer.
Comments
-
Traveltext, you surprise me! About 25% of people with hormone receptor positive breast cancer do not take their medications as prescribed or quit entirely. This is not because they are lazy or stupid but usually because of intolerable or debilitating side effects day in and day out. Some of us feel that life is not worth living if it has to be that painful and will take our chances. Some of us are scared to death of adding these new side effects on top of other preexisting physical problems we have. Not so many of us can avail ourselves of the massages and acupunture, etc. recommended to alleviate side effects but which come with a big price. Although your sentiment is well meaning and you are known for being very supportive, I think you are mistaken to assume that anyone else’s treatment is “light”. Not you, but some others even refer to hormone receptor positive cancer as the “good” cancer because the drug companies think they have solved the problem, NOT! Besides, cancer is cancer and can change for the worse at any minute. I think I’d better send this as a PM because it has become a rant. Just had to get it off my chest and don’t want to spoil your nice message to Runo
-
This thread is making me think of "Thelma and Louise"! haha.
Love the pics Runor.
Seriously, it is something that I wish our health providers would "warn" us of and provide tools and resources for, when we are DX'.d. Kind of feels like we are thrown out to the wolves after TX. The only comment I got from my MO was, "do you need anti-depressants?" Uh, I don't think so. By the grace of God, I made it through. I think part of our healing is stepping back and looking at our lives through a new lens. Basically, when our mortality slaps us in the face, we have no choice. It gives us a totally different perspective on things. I sold my house, down-sized and moved to a little town that I have wanted to, for a while. My home is paid for. I am still able to work. I enjoy the freedom that my single life offers. It's hard to put yourself first when you have taken care of your family for so long and you have made them your priority. Do what you need to do, to be happy. Sometimes it's just a leap of faith. My kids thought I was crazy when I bought my little house. I moved a little farther from them and they don't see the charm that I see, in my little town. I totally dis-regarded their opinions. I think they have come to realize, it was a good move for me and they are happy for me now. It is pretty crazy putting 11 people in a 950 sq ft house when they come for a holiday or get together, but we manage. My 4 YO GS says, "Grandma, you have a baby house!" Gotta love 'em.
Everybody deserves peace and happiness. Period. It's not selfish, it is self-preservation.
-
LOL, we're in northwest FL and it's UP to 25 degrees (9:30am.) There's a fine layer of ice on the steps and the cars. Our windows are frozen shut. One of our propane tanks ran out during the night. So at 3am my DH was outside in freezing rain/sleet opening the second tank. Are we having fun yet, LOL?
-
I have many of these same thoughts and feelings. I had them before BC came for an unwanted visit. Now - sometimes it's just harder to figure out stuff.
I have three kids (11, 14, 17). And a husband. And cats and fish and a house. And I work part time. My kids are good. My husband is helpful. But still - I do all the laundry and grocery shopping and meal making and bill paying and bathroom cleaning and animal feeding, etc, etc, etc ...
I go on a rant every now and then. Seriously. Like screaming. I sometimes wonder what my kids memories will be like. And I'm my own worst enemy at times because it's easier to do stuff myself than constantly ask or finish or redo. I don't know the answer and I don't know that what I'm doing is right - but I feel better after I yell about how unfair they all are.
I have a difficult relationship with my mother. It's fine when I just go along and don't call her out for the crap she says or does. But she was completely out of line back in October and, after many texts and emails, I was resigned to just move on and try to forget about the whole thing. I included her for the holidays on two occasions and she seemed normal. Now - no contact since. And I just don't have it in me to work on stuff like this anymore.
I met with my counselor yesterday and she said you have to take care of yourself - physically, mentally, emotionally. You truly are not able to help others if you can't help yourself and are in a bad place. We all know this. Or should. But it's good to have a reminder. Sometimes it's okay to put yourself and your needs first.
runor -Maybe a solo vacation is the answer? Go away and find some peace. Let them experience life without all of your care and you enjoy some carefree time. You don't have to make permanent changes right now. Maybe just explore the possibilities.
-
So it IS possible to freeze in Florida? Who knew? Well, that's off the list of warm places to run away to. Bummer.
NotVeryBrave, I think the situation of women with kids that they are still raising, that is the worst of all. The very worst. The fear and dread must be amplified a million times. No one wants to leave the job of parenting undone.
And screaming is good. Scream! Or... turn on the radio and belly dance. Sometimes if kids won't step up with nagging, threats of belly dancing in front of their friends might work. " Like, if you do not clean this bathroom, next time Chad and Ryan come over to visit I am going to be belly dancing in the living room. Do you want that? Do you? No? Then clean the bathroom or there will be a whole lot of this (shimmy and shake) going on in front of other people. I think I look pretty awesome, don't you?" It's a long shot, but I found my daughter was way more worried about me being crazy than me being mad. Mad me was predictable, but crazy me, well, I could go off in any direction without warning.
It occurs to me that I need to get a little of that crazy back. Shove away this crushing sadness and fear and get back the evil joy of being slightly unpredictable. Half a bubble off plumb. We ALL shuold dance in the living room and if we can horrify our kids into helping out - perfect!
-
Maybe a reread of “Mrs. Piggle Wiggle” is in store. She knew how to handle kids...
-
I went through something similar a few years back. Was tired of being a glorified servant, didn't feel like there was great communication with my husband or kids, did not feel appreciated. Every waking moment was spent doing something for others and I am also head of household/sole support. Many days I just wanted to get in the car and start driving and never come back. I was prepared to leave everything behind.
Then I took a big trip to see some friends at a reunion and got caught in a transportation strike. So my 2 week trip morphed into nearly a month. The friends I met up with left at the end of the first week and suddenly I was completely on my own for the first time in many years, was able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted. And BTW I married later in life and started a family, so I have spent plenty of time in my own company and am very self entertaining. Anyway, by the time I finally got home I found I really missed my family. It was an epiphany of sorts because I really was giving serious thought to throwing in the towel.
But I also decided not to be a martyr to my own cause and stopped being so darned eager to engineer perfection in my home and in the lives of those around me. In a way I was contributing to their perceived helplessness, because not only did I want things done, I wanted them done my way or not at all. And I didn't really set boundaries, either. After the trip, I told them how I felt, even sharing with them my thoughts of just disappearing. They were genuinely shocked. And to my surprise they proved a lot more capable than I gave them credit for.
We did not achieve family Nirvana, but things really did improve. And I have taken an outbuilding and made it completely my own--put in flooring and insulation--and it is sort of an office cum potting shed with lighting and heat. What time I spend there is very satisfying, because it is just far enough away that no one intrudes unless absolutely necessary and I can close the door on the world for awhile and just be with myself. Now I am thinking of building a green house. Like you I like to garden but it is not practical here--we have a lot of rock, too and critters galore. I love deeply scented flowers and am thinking of growing pots of scented geraniums, lavender, tuberose, whatever, along with vegetables that I personally like.
So this is a long winded way of suggesting that maybe you should take a trip. Go with a friend or go alone. You may come back ready to buy beachfront property and keep your family at arms length, or you might decide things are not as bad as they feel right now. It is really hard to know. There is nothing like a deadly disease to crystallize unhappiness. It brings everything into sharper focus for sure. Whatever feelings you were experiencing before BC are doubtless magnified. But--you don't have to necessarily make the big change before you can start being happy. You can honestly start today.
JMHO
-
I am loving reading about all of this.
MAY I SUGGEST THE BOX PLAN? As I don't have children (or a husband) of my own, my thoughts range back to my own mother (who did everything, until she worked at not doing everything), and to my parents now (as I care for them). The box plan deals differently with space and with tasks. And a big discussion takes place so that everyone buys into the way this will work before you begin.
First, space. Make a rough floor plan of your home (or at least think it through). Are there areas that the family must share? (Like the kitchen, laundry or a single bath?) Areas that you can use to the exclusion of others? Areas that you can ignore (because you don't need or want to use them)?
You can deal with each of the areas separately. Areas you don't use can be ignored by you--completely. Until they can't be. If family members are looking for things in there, just remind them that you don't go in there (find it themselves!). If odor or pests or whatever impinge on the rest of the house, one warning. Then it gets scooped into a box (sprayed with whatever might be needed) and the box goes into a box landing spot (aka, "BLS"--a garage/outbuilding/porch/basement/patio/mudroom or wherever works for you). If someone needs things that were there, they can dig them out of the box(es).
Areas that are yours exclusively. Hmmmm. Consider these carefully. It might be a corner or a chair or a closet or a counter in your kitchen. An appliance? Maybe an entire room. An outbuilding like Rubytoos? But it should be space which you can (fairly/reasonably) exclude others from. For example, if you want to make your washing machine an exclusive area, you have two obvious choices: decide to do laundry for everyone or get a second washing machine that everyone else can use. Other ideas may occur to you...Once you've "declared" your spaces, anything that isn't something that you've placed there gets immediately swept into a box and placed in the BLS.
Areas that you share. Don't pick up after others. They're all adults. But specify that anything that isn't where it belongs will periodically (once a week? twice a week? once a month?) be swept into a box and placed into your BLS. This is the hardest. Don't sort. And don't help your family members find things after the first week. When they ask where something is, just suggest they look in the BLS. Once they know you mean it, things will begin to change. Over time, you'll find that your family will have a quick tidy-up just before you are due to sweep things into boxes. So you'll want to decide how often you'll move things into boxes with that in mind.
Oops, I have to go, I can continue about the box plan later, if anyone is interested...
LisaAlissa
-
Rubytoos ( suddenly the Rolling Stones are on my mind!), LOVE your post! I do not want to leave my family utterly. I never intended to communicate that. Just change the way my life looks and works. Minor tweaks. Before I disappear into an oblivion of servitude. I picture my husband standing at my memorial after I'm dead, looking out at those gathered, waiting for him to say something that helps them remember me and he holds up a sandwich and says, "Wife made this for me before she died". Remembered forever for a baloney sandwich. Oh my god.
LisaAllisa, this BOX plan is very well thought out. At first I thought you were going to say to get some big boxes, poke air holes, insert children, tape securely. Because, let's face it, that is a thought that many parents have had; time to box this kid up and put him in storage until he's 35. But it's not very well accepted by the general public so I'm actually glad you didn't go there. Yes, designated areas. This often makes me think that this concept of open living houses, where every room blends into every other room without doors or walls is actually an unnatural way to live because it puts everything on display for the Matron Of Mess (mom) to see and react to. If there was more separated space and I didn't have to SEE the clutter and gunge it would indeed be easier.
The one thing I have tried with only limited success is to impress upon Hub that when I am in the garden, once all my unending tasks are mostly done and I have snuck out to look at my plants, do not, for the love of god, DO NOT bring me the phone! I don't care who calls me! I don't care if it's the Pope! TAKE A FRIGGIN MESSAGE! I HATE long winded conversations at the best of times, I suck as a phone friend, but do NOT pollute my garden time with someone who has called to chat. I will phone them back! But time after time out he trots holding the phone. More than once he has almost been killed with a rake. In this coming year I am going to have to REALLY get through to him that when I am in the garden I am NOT AVAILABLE!
This past July I stayed at a cancer lodge for radiation treatment because daily driving almost 2 hours each way was not practical. Most people at the lodge went home on wknds. I went home one wknd and the other wknds I stayed at the lodge. It was the longest time I have been away from HUb and kid since we were married. In over 30 years together the longest I have been gone was in hospital 3 nights after having baby, and went once to visit friend, gone 2 nights. Other than those two times, I am home. I am lights on and fire burning. I am the root and rock and anchor that Hub depends on to keep everything attached to earth and not hurl off into space. I wondered why I didn't want to come home during radiation. But I didn't. I had a room to myself, coffee always available, interesting people to talk with (who were also in treatment, the perfect crowd!) my space was clean, ordered, peaceful, my time was my own. Other than having my boob burned and feeling utterly exhausted, it was heaven. Cancer lodge heaven. I came home glad to be in my own bed with Hub beside me, my stinky dog and chickens and garden. But I have wondered why it was so important for me to not come home. It was utterly unlike me in every way and I have thought about it. Wondered what motivated me. What I was getting being gone that I wasn't getting being home? It sounds crazy, but if they would let me I'd check into the lodge again for a week. The whole thing was other worldly. I'd walk through streets, by myself, surrounded by no one I knew, no one waiting for dinner, no chores to complete, and I'd think, I'm here. Alone. Having cancer. When I look back it feels utterly unreal. Like it happened to someone else. But I came back knowing, on some level, that something had to change. Doing it, whatever 'it' is, is like nailing Jello to a wall. Kind of tricky.
(I am really taking in everything everyone says. Thank you everyone for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences)
-
Rumor, you should try something Rubytoos is considering - build a greenhouse. Set it up with light, heat, humidity & anything else you need to grow all those things you're longing for. Play the music you love while you're there or just enjoy the silence. Put a sign on the door that says Entry by Invitation Only & then garden to your heart's content. Come & go as needed for your mental health. Imagine filling your house with beautiful flowers & bowls of fresh vegetables all grown by you!
I also suggest second the suggestion (made by several on this thread) that you take a trip without your family. Meet a friend, sign up for a tour, a cruise or a spa or just find a relaxing B&B & take a pile of books with you; just choose something that speaks to you. If nothing else, you'll get to relax & your family will be forced to function without you.
It hurts to see the pain in your posts. BC & BC treatment are incredibly stressful. They can also affect how we look at life. Sounds like it's definitely time for you to make some changes. I love how keepthefaith put it: it's not selfish, it is self-preservation.
Please keep us posted. We're rooting for you!!!
-
JKL, a trip with a stack of books does sound tempting!
I am sorry that I give the impression I am in pain. I don't think there is anything very unusual about the internal struggles I wrestle with. A cancer diagnosis brings so much to mind and these thoughts - do I want to do this until I drop dead - were on my mind even before the cancer diagnosis but now, wow, it's like they're on fire! There is an URGENCY to make the changes I need to make to feel good about my life. That might be small tweaks, that might be a major shift. I just don't know. But I do not suffer any worse than anyone else and in fact there are so many women here, so horribly many, who have a much more desperate situation than I am in. So, my bellyaching is just bellyaching. I know many people can identify with me and many more are in much worse places.
-
We get it that you want your life to have meaning. The greenhouse idea was a good one. My niece with 8 kids has a greenhouse and a dog breeding enterprise. Maybe you could start a business from home and be able to hire a cleaning lady at least. Do you have goats
-
Marijen, do I have goats? Oh my goodness, now that would be a leap from the frying pan into the fire! No, no goats. We're not fenced for them. I have enough trouble keeping the wild goats (deer) out of the bit of greenery I do manage to grow here. But now and then I get a craving for a small donkey. Neighbours already view me with a jaundiced eye when the rooster population passes 3 . Last year I had 7 and it was a match to see who could out-crow who, 24 hours a day. I can't imagine that a donkey would make me popular in the noisy neighbour category. But, don't you just want to kiss those hairy little faces?
-
I think when we do something positive for ourselves, it gives us a sense of empowerment. Even if it's something small. A walk, a massage, a good book, a retreat. When, we continue to nurture ourselves on a regular basis and be mindful of it, that small seed will grow and we start to make bigger changes, sometimes without even realizing it. Since many of us love to help others, I think helping those outside of our immediate family and circle, is very rewarding...and keeps us from straying to the enabling side! Even being on this forum is rewarding.:). ((HUGS))
-
hi, all. Unless I've misread this, I don't think rumor wants to break with her husband and daughter. I think she loves them and very much wants them in her life but just doesn't want to be responsible for them at this stage. That is perfectly reasonable. I agree.
Is the question we are all asking...is it too late?
Runor, read The Lake Isle of Inishfree byW D Yeats
-
Sorry, runor, for misunderstanding. Bellyache all you want, especially if it helps!
-
I have read everything everyone posted, with gladness. The more wisdom I gather, the better it is for me.
Grainne is correct in that I don't want to throw in the towel on Hub and Daughter . Although at 25 she could be a LOT more helpful or - radical idea - not live here anymore. She had moved out. She moved back. And turned into a 14 year old again. Barf.
But I would like some degrees of separation from the ROLE I play here. Maybe I can build a tree house with a rope ladder and when Hub wanders out to ask when dinner will be ready I can pull up the ladder, yell at him that no boys are allowed and then throw golf balls at him. Yes... this idea works for me, yelling and throwing hard little balls.
Ah, I know many of us get this diagnosis, freak out that we're on the clock and try to figure out if the life we're living is the life we want to be living when we shuffle off this mortal coil. IS THIS IT? Maybe this is it and I have to find a way to love it? Maybe this isn't it and I have to find a way to change it? (head exploding).
-
runor, I think you hit the nail on the head!:) Best wishes in finding your happiest place in this world!
Visually the hubby and golf balls idea....lol, sry, gotta laugh!
Categories
- All Categories
- 679 Advocacy and Fund-Raising
- 289 Advocacy
- 68 I've Donated to Breastcancer.org in honor of....
- Test
- 322 Walks, Runs and Fundraising Events for Breastcancer.org
- 5.6K Community Connections
- 282 Middle Age 40-60(ish) Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 53 Australians and New Zealanders Affected by Breast Cancer
- 208 Black Women or Men With Breast Cancer
- 684 Canadians Affected by Breast Cancer
- 1.5K Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
- 455 Caring for Someone with Stage IV or Mets
- 260 High Risk of Recurrence or Second Breast Cancer
- 22 International, Non-English Speakers With Breast Cancer
- 16 Latinas/Hispanics With Breast Cancer
- 189 LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer
- 152 May Their Memory Live On
- 85 Member Matchup & Virtual Support Meetups
- 375 Members by Location
- 291 Older Than 60 Years Old With Breast Cancer
- 177 Singles With Breast Cancer
- 869 Young With Breast Cancer
- 50.4K Connecting With Others Who Have a Similar Diagnosis
- 204 Breast Cancer with Another Diagnosis or Comorbidity
- 4K DCIS (Ductal Carcinoma In Situ)
- 79 DCIS plus HER2-positive Microinvasion
- 529 Genetic Testing
- 2.2K HER2+ (Positive) Breast Cancer
- 1.5K IBC (Inflammatory Breast Cancer)
- 3.4K IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)
- 1.5K ILC (Invasive Lobular Carcinoma)
- 999 Just Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastasis
- 652 LCIS (Lobular Carcinoma In Situ)
- 193 Less Common Types of Breast Cancer
- 252 Male Breast Cancer
- 86 Mixed Type Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Not Diagnosed With a Recurrence or Metastases but Concerned
- 189 Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care
- 488 Second or Third Breast Cancer
- 1.2K Stage I Breast Cancer
- 313 Stage II Breast Cancer
- 3.8K Stage III Breast Cancer
- 2.5K Triple-Negative Breast Cancer
- 13.1K Day-to-Day Matters
- 132 All things COVID-19 or coronavirus
- 87 BCO Free-Cycle: Give or Trade Items Related to Breast Cancer
- 5.9K Clinical Trials, Research News, Podcasts, and Study Results
- 86 Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries
- 828 Employment, Insurance, and Other Financial Issues
- 101 Family and Family Planning Matters
- Family Issues for Those Who Have Breast Cancer
- 26 Furry friends
- 1.8K Humor and Games
- 1.6K Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts
- 706 Recipe Swap for Healthy Living
- 704 Recommend Your Resources
- 171 Sex & Relationship Matters
- 9 The Political Corner
- 874 Working on Your Fitness
- 4.5K Moving On & Finding Inspiration After Breast Cancer
- 394 Bonded by Breast Cancer
- 3.1K Life After Breast Cancer
- 806 Prayers and Spiritual Support
- 285 Who or What Inspires You?
- 28.7K Not Diagnosed But Concerned
- 1K Benign Breast Conditions
- 2.3K High Risk for Breast Cancer
- 18K Not Diagnosed But Worried
- 7.4K Waiting for Test Results
- 603 Site News and Announcements
- 560 Comments, Suggestions, Feature Requests
- 39 Mod Announcements, Breastcancer.org News, Blog Entries, Podcasts
- 4 Survey, Interview and Participant Requests: Need your Help!
- 61.9K Tests, Treatments & Side Effects
- 586 Alternative Medicine
- 255 Bone Health and Bone Loss
- 11.4K Breast Reconstruction
- 7.9K Chemotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 2.7K Complementary and Holistic Medicine and Treatment
- 775 Diagnosed and Waiting for Test Results
- 7.8K Hormonal Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 50 Immunotherapy - Before, During, and After
- 7.4K Just Diagnosed
- 1.4K Living Without Reconstruction After a Mastectomy
- 5.2K Lymphedema
- 3.6K Managing Side Effects of Breast Cancer and Its Treatment
- 591 Pain
- 3.9K Radiation Therapy - Before, During, and After
- 8.4K Surgery - Before, During, and After
- 109 Welcome to Breastcancer.org
- 98 Acknowledging and honoring our Community
- 11 Info & Resources for New Patients & Members From the Team