Stage 4, age 34, coping with never having children

Juls4 · January 2018

I was diagnosed as Stage 2 BC at age 33, went through the chemo and surgery, no sign of cancer in the lymph nodes (Stage 2 because of size of tumor), and was given a greater than 90% chance of being cured. I spent the last year recovering from treatment and pursuing fertility treatment. It was determined too many of my eggs had been killed by chemo so I began the donor egg process. Just before beginning (I was at the point of almost ordering eggs), I had an MRI which showed tumors in my liver. The CT scan showed other very small tumors in my lungs. I am taking anti-depressants which have been extremely helpful in keeping me positive, but the only big thing on my bucket list had been having kids and now that's not an option. With everything else I could want to do with my life, I have options. But with kids, I can't adopt, can't foster, can't do a donor egg. My husband has suggested I offer to babysit for friends, but being around other people's kids just isn't the same because they're not mine and I feel like an outsider. I had wanted so badly to raise and teach my own children with my husband. We had so many plans and ideas for raising kids. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I could feel like I am passing something on to children? Programs with children I could get involved with? I don't even feel like I could do a Big Brother, Big Sister relationship because of my treatment and the fact that my health will probably just go downhill. Or even just suggestions for how to cope with this huge loss.Thanks.

JFL · January 2018

Juls, this disease is so wrong on so many levels. I am sorry you are here. You can find others in a similar boat on the thread for 30 something's. I do know of one person who had a child after Stage 4 dx (on her own, as a single mother via donor sperm, no less). Her daughter is 6 or so and all is going well, despite the ups and downs of this disease. I was originally diagnosed at 30 and my two fears were not getting married and not having kids. I did meet someone and got married and, after waiting through 5 years of tamoxifen and several years of infertility/IUIs/IVF, I did get pregnant with my “miracle baby" only to find out the whole process kick-started the BC into gear and I was diagnosed with mets at 7 months pregnant with very advanced, late-stage BC in liver, bones and lymph nodes. I had uncontrollable, life-threatening hypercalcemia from the bone mets and had to have the baby 2 months early and he spent nearly a month in the neonatal ICU as a result, followed by 5 months on a heart monitor. Sometimes life feels like a cruel joke. As messed up as my situation is, I know that out of us diagnosed young, I am one of the “lucky" ones. In what world is someone bringing a baby into the world with Stage 4 cancer considered lucky . . . . I can't begin to understand how you feel and am angry you or any other young women have to be in this position. But you will find others who can relate on these boards. In the beginning it is overwhelming and you just need to take one day, one moment at a time. The only benefit to being so young like you is the hope they find a cure or something that puts this into long-term, durable remission and who knows, you end up adopting or using a donor egg later in your 30s. The “cures" and long-term remissions have started to happen, just not on a consistent or wide-spread basis at this point (“adventureswithcancer" from the Inspire website, whose doctor testified in front of the US Congress that he considered her “cured" following her treatment in the NIH's tumor infiltrating lymphocyte trial, comes to mind).

illimae · January 2018

Personally I see no reason why you couldn’t try a big sister program or maybe something at a YMCA. Instead of thinking we need to protect everyone from the realization that bad things sometimes happen, we can inspire others with our optimism and perseverance.

I never wanted kids and my husband and I decided long ago that our DNA probably is not worth passing on, we love, spoil and raise beautiful dogs. We don’t have the additional worry, daily burden of tending to the demands of others and fear of leaving young children behind. We are able to travel pretty freely, make our own health and healing priority and focus our time and effort on each other, which is why we got married in the first place.

I doubt there’s anything I can say to make it all ok for you but sometimes we must think of what we have instead of what we don’t. Also, the grass is not always greener, cancer is hard enough.

NotBrokenJustBent · January 2018

Juls, are you sure you can't foster a child? I always wanted to do that when raising my family but they were not on board. Now that they are grown and I am single, I looked into the program again but I did not income qualify as my income is extremely low just now. My understanding is that you could have a child for a few days, months or years depending on how things play out but I don't understand why you could not foster? With so much love to give I am sure numerous child programs would be lucky to have you. I knew a nurse who worked in the neonatal unit. They had volunteers who would sit and hold the infants. Not my thing but maybe yours?

7of9 · January 2018

Juls, we have so much to offer kids and those raising kids. We know and NEVER get upset about a spilled glass of milk a lost glove or even a crunched car, a break up, a bad grade, a mean person...are just small potatoes in life. Contact foster services and womens crises centers, your church (most churches, methodist and catholic charities take anyone kind and willing). From encouraging words, an outing to a library or movie...you could be the one bit of sanity or relief for a single mom, recovering addict, struggling foster family. So many good deserving kids in the systems. Especially now with all the opioid problems parents are in a bad way and the poor kids, many with mild to severe birth defects just need someone to think that they are special. Taking my son with me to my Zometa treatment next week.

Some consider me stage three some consider restage 4... I've been in ED for two years. My son has gone to a couple checkups with me before but now that he's 8 1/2 I want him to see some of the checkups and procedures I'm doing to fight to keep the disease at bay and to be here with him.I also want him to see the doctors offices in a positive light. That it's not all scary bad things end-stage stuff that happens there.This is how I live this is how we go on as best we can. I'm sick and tired of feeling guilty for having my family to go through this but it is now been six years since my initial diagnosis and I feel nothing but blessed these days.I don't think it's the easiest thing to lose someone you care about, but I think that there's so much benefit and insight we can offer kids without harming them or doing permanent damage just opening them up to the fact that this is the way the world is and people are out there going on the best they can for certain diseases and conditions. We have such a great perspective on life seizing the moment and keeping the small little things like traffic jams off our worries list!!!

If you are being called to help kids, to pass on some good knowledge words of wisdom support and love ...then keep searching and finding that avenue to help you do just that!!!

Ashlyn · January 2018

Juls,

I am sending you hugs through the screen. I am with you in this deep sadness and heartache. I don't have suggestions on programs with kids but I do know that there are women out there with MBC who have adopted. I don't know how but I know it's been done (read about it in other threads on this site). My husband and I are lucky to have embryos and are pursuing surrogacy even with this new diagnosis (I went from stage 2 in 2012 and NED for almost 6 years to stage 4 this past July) We don't know if it will happen but it gives me hope to try. We have to do what feels right for us. You sound like a really nurturing and special person... any kid would be lucky to receive your gifts and teachings, however that may unfold.

Ash

Lolis197138 · January 2018

Hi Juls,

really sorry that you find yourself in this situation. I had a miscarriage before being diagnosed at 33. We went thru IVF and my sister was going to be my surrogate. For a couple of years I was still mourning my loss of the baby and trying to understand why it happened this way. The surrogacy with my sister didn't happen and we couldn' afford to find someone else to carry my embryos. We looked at the option of adopting a baby but seemed like the process would take forever and some needed me to be 5 years cancer free. Fast forward and I am now just freshly diagnosed with a recurrence. I finally found my peace and understand why every avenue we looked at was so difficult for us. I have been heartbroken since 2013 (that's when i had my miscarriage) but now i can be okay with the fact that i didnt have baby.

it is hard to deal with all of this st this young age. I did go through the big brothers big sisters screening process but didn't start it as I started my MBA studies. now that I am done I will consider doing it. the organization has other programs that you help with as well. one you get your treatment plan and hopefully your body reacts well given you are young and you can look at other organizations that work with kids and depending on your work schedule (if you are still working) you can choose. I know there are programs where you become a mentor or you can become a board member of organizations helping children.

Big hugs

Lola

Stage 4, age 34, coping with never having children

Comments

Categories