A place to talk death and dying issues

Thank you, Kaption, Linda and Bluebird.

I've been in the de novo Stage IV game for a little over a year and a half. I'm going down quickly. I have 20+ brain mets that give me headaches and leave me dizzy all the time (they can't do any more brain radiation); mets to the spine are growing and strangling nerves, leaving me with no control over my bowels, and mets to my liver and other organs are growing. I can't drive anymore because I have a big blind spot thanks to brain mets. I'll be starting another chemo after I finish another series of rads to the spine. We may have to try TWO types of chemo because the MO says my organ mets are mutating differently from my bone mets. What works for the bones doesn't work for the organs and vice versa. I'm already on palliative care to supplement my Tx.

It is what it is. I have to live day by day, and not plan more than a week or two into the future. The Whole Brain Rads I received in Sept were only supposed to give me a couple of months, so I'm grateful for whatever time I have left. Fighting Mr. Cancer on three fronts (bones, multiple organs, brain) I could go in 6 wks, 6 mos or 16 mos. Who knows?

All I can say is I will NOT prolong my own suffering when the time comes. Hospice will support VSED (voluntary stopping of eating and drinking) so I can go out a little faster. There will be no need to drag it out any longer than necessary. I know where I'm going. My Lord and my antecedents will welcome me to my eternal home. My DH is still young enough to find another companion, travel, do sports, and create a happy life. My DD is in her mid-20s and doesn't really like little kids, so it's not like I'll be missing out on the grandchildren I'll probably never have.

My pastor just emailed me a draft of the program for my memorial service. It looks good. All he had to do is type in the "expiration" date.

Incidentally, heart disease is still the NUMBER ONE killer in America, out-ranking even cancer. I wouldn't mind having a heart attack in my sleep and not waking up. Or I could go out like the late Ed Lee, former mayor of San Francisco. He collapsed in a Safeway grocery store last month and passed away in the hospital a few hours later. No muss, no fuss, no suffering. That would work for me.

L

Tina, that is a scary article. I personally have no trouble dying at a hospital, if it’s easier on my family. My dad died in a hospital in Springfield MO. I was with him. He’d been in the hospital about 6 weeks. Our family had someone with him all the time, but the nurses were wonderful. I really grew to appreciate nurses from that experience. We had hospice support for my step-mom with 2 of her nieces providing the care. Again, in Springfield. Hospice was amazingly prompt and helpful in providing supplies and medications.

Lita, I too have contemplated that having a heart attack ( quick and final) would be a preferred way out.

Help us all!

Have not read the article but wanted to share link. https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/end-of-life-d... Will read it tonight.

Linda,

My heart goes out to you. I pray for your peace ( and for those who love you) as you move on this decision. Please keep in touch as possible.

Hugs.

Linda, may you find peace with your decision.

You may be surprised at how your QOL might improve after all the toxins from Tx leave your body.

Hospice can also give you meds to really manage pain and other things.

We St IV ladies will all face your decision eventually.

Sending hugs,

L

Linda-Hugs to you.

"All we ask is to be allowed to remain the writers of our own story. That story is ever changing. Over the course of our lives, we may encounter unimaginable difficulties. Our concerns and desires may shift. But, whatever happens, we want to retain the freedom to shape our lives in ways consistent with our character and loyalties. This is why the betrayals of the body and mind that threaten to erase our character and memory remain our most awful tortures. The battle of being mortal is the battle to maintain the integrity of one's life-to avoid becoming so diminished or dissipated or subjugated that who you are becomes disconnected from who you were or who you want to be."

Atul Gawade "Being Mortal: Medicine and What Matters in the end.

Nkb, wonderful quote!

L

Nkb- so very true.

Lovely and peaceful picture. Thanks for sharing.

I made my decision last night. I am going to use an alternative / complementary treatment. I feel it is a parachute and not an anvil. I am going to get set up with my choice of hospice. I am going to prepare with my friend the Celebration of Life ceremony she will coordinate for me when I am gone... whenever that may be. And prepare my notebook of all the end of life decisions and forms and contracts and phone contacts and lists and on and on. Then I am going to live the rest of my life comfortable and well. After basically losing my QOL this last year to two different treatments that did nothing for me except rob me of my spirit and wellness, now QOL has become a top priority for me. I feel I am in the reality of my life and not giving up and not even bargaining. I feel very comfortable with this decision. It is like a huge gift has been placed in front of me. I don't know what it will be when it is opened except a day at a time of living life again. Excited is a good word. I am excited and even grateful that I have once again been set before a choice and have sound mind and sound body (wasn't so sound a month ago, believe me) and I have the emotional and intellectual fortitude at present to do just about anything I want given the stamina.

Diane

Bluebird, hope med mj is part of your new tx. It helps tremendously.

L

Diane,

Prayers as you meet your choices with peace. Stay surrounded by love.

So sad.. and so sorry to hear this unwelcome news. Our deepest sympathies to LindaE54's family and friends and all those who loved her. Thank you, Linda, for letting us know.

The Mods

So sad. But, I think from her last comments on here that she was ready. My condolences to her family and friends.

Peace.

There are never really any words when you read something like that. I noticed her posting on the 9th that showed me she knew what was happening. I just don't think it's fair. No matter how many losses we go through, it's never easy, never ok. I will never forget her little icon of that little puppers. She will always be a beautiful special woman whose strength outlasted her body. I send all thoughts of strength and peace to her family. None of this cancer should still be claiming lives. We are the most advanced country. We can fly to the moon, but we can't save lives from this awful beast! I am just sickened and 😞 so sad! ~M~