Not quite a horder - decluttering

Merry X-mas Eve............

Happy Christmas to all!

Awww!

My parents are falling apart, each with their own health issues. Now both are in a rehab facility, with the hopes of going home "eventually." Meanwhile, my older brother and older sister have both lost their housing situations (boarding house closed for him, a divorce for her) and they both moved into my parents' house (with all of their stuff). 

Since I live out of state, I see my family a few times each year, and my younger brother hosts the entire family at his house to make it easier for my parents. So I haven't been to my parents' house in a few years. I was concerned because there was a home visit by the Social Worker at the rehab facility to see if my father could return home (Mom's health has declined too much). He can't. So this trip, I decided to visit my parents' home as well and see if I could help my siblings help get the house ready for a return home. 

I was shocked!! My parents' house was already very cluttered a few years ago, with piles of magazines and newspapers that my mom won't release. Now it is truly a hording situation. Every closest, bureau, and countertop is full to capacity with clothes, newspapers, magazines, books, and crap. 

There are a few treasures in the house, but one can't find them beneath all the crap. Hubby found my wedding dress and veil in one closest. We couldn't find the silk flowers that were probably nearby but under piles and piles of my brother's clothes. We each tried to move a few piles but each got our finger sliced by something hidden in the piles. We washed our hands, and then put Bactine on our cuts.

Hubby and I took the recycling bin and filled it with magazines and newspapers. We removed about 6 piles from one room. There's so many more piles in all the rooms. Older sister and older brother just watched and didn't lift a finger. In fact, my sister said, "you know, I have stuff to do all day."  I stopped myself from asking/yelling, "Really, what stuff? You don't work, and you barely visit Mom and Dad at rehab!"

They are nothing more than squatters.

Now I'm going to redouble my efforts to get my own home under control. I want to enjoy what I have, not drown under what might be. 

Wow, Mominator. Just what you didn't want to walk in to. It sounds like you have a lot of work ahead of you. I am sorry your parents are having health issues.

Dealing with the siblings adds another layer of frustration. When dh and I were working on getting his elderly mother's house ready to sell-she had remortgaged in her old age-his older brother-who-never-lifted-a-hand to help said, "I'd have just let the bank have it." That sib has always been about himself only.

Best wishes to you as you sort it all out.

Mominator- oh sister, that is a hard situation you are dealing with. Maybe some clutter when your parents lived there, but two others with their things moving in would only result in such an overwhelming situation. Too much stuff, not enough room for it all! I hope you can get things sorted out and the place available for your parents to move back in to, if they can.

Went through a lot with our parents and my heart goes out to you friend

-25*F

*Happy New Year*

Taken from Facebook.

;o))

Teka--LOL at the poem! Too funny!

Jazzy--way too much stuff!

my mom likes stuff but isn't that bad. She'll throw stuff out but she loves knick nacks. I don't know how you wouldn't get depressed or claustrophobic in that situation unless you have a huge house to spread it out.

My Dad has been given a discharge date of this Friday from the rehab.

There's a meeting tomorrow afternoon with his Case Manager from the local Elder Services to make sure everything is ready for his return home (medication, equipment, services)

Once he gets home, my two older siblings/squatters will be there to "help" him. 

I don't know if there will be another home study before discharge. Dad has been in hospitals and rehab for the last 10 months. He saw the house briefly during the last home visit/inspection. It probably didn't show during the visit, but my sister has been sleeping in my parents' bed. The room she's supposed to use is too cluttered for her to get to the bed. 

Hoping all goes well this week, and moving forward. 

Mominator--talk to the social worker or discharge planner at the rehab before your Dad goes home and ask for a home health nursing referral. This may already be planned to continue PT and OT at home, nursing can help with medication management, and this will have people trained to evaluate home settings for problems coming in regularly, and intervening if necessary. Having home health services will take the focus and pressure off you while still making sure your Dad's care and health is priority.

Yes, NativeMainer, we will be asking about all those services at the meeting. Unfortunately, Case Manager from the local Elder Services had to postpone today's meeting (had his own family emergency).

Today's big news: My sister, the squatter, just got a cat!

She posted in our sibling chat that she got the cat. I said a cat doesn't belong in Mom and Dad's house.

Apparently, she "discussed" getting a cat with Mom and Dad. They had "no problems" with her getting the cat.

I said that neither parent is probably thinking very clearly at this time. The house is too cluttered for something else to live there. Dad will be tripping over it. A cat costs about $1,000 per year in food, litter, supplies, and vet bills. That money should be going to paying bills and making improvements to make the house safer for Mom and Dad.

She said that "Animals are great for stress. Cats are especially best for people with heart issues due to stress." Also, "she is my kitty. She is my responsibility."

I am furious!

Mominator--sometimes a simple holiday brings the best memories. I can imagine how furious you are with squatter sibling now bringing in a cat. Do your sibs think they are going to be given the house when your parents pass on? And if so, is that a realistic expectation? I'm asking because I've seen this kind of scenario many times in my career as a Hospice nurse. One of the most common family dynamics we see involves family members who move into the parents' home to help take care of Mom and Dad with the expectation that they will then have a free home to live in when the parents have passed on and are upset to find out that the plan is to sell the home and divide the money or the home is willed to a different person, or that they are then living in a house with a big mortgage that they are required to pay in order to stay there. This actually happened in my own family. I advise you to find out what is going to happen with the home when your parents are gone, so you can take appropriate action now. If the sibs aren't going to be staying in the home the executor of the will may need to give the sibs a written eviction notice before being able to do anything with the home like preparing it for sale or generally cleaning it up. The estate will still have to pay for electricity, heating, utilities, taxes, etc until the sibs move out, unless they are notified that they will be responsible for those costs. If your Mom and Dad aren't able to mentally handle this kind of thing you may want to look into legal guardianship or durable powers of attorney so you can help them with this kind of thing as well as everyday bills and home maintenance. Talk to the social worker at the nursing home, he/she can give you state specific detailed information about such things and give you resources to contact for more help.

Poodles--too true how parents will go to enormous lengths to protect their adult children from thinking anything at all is wrong. And it makes for horrendously difficult situations for those same adult children in the long run.

Native, the inner workings of family domesticity has to be a real eye opener in your line of work as Hospice nurse. I am sure you can tell many a tale.

Mominator, I also suspect your sister is trying to get a reaction out of you by getting the cat. Do you think she wants some attention and likes having the fireworks fly, just a little more to add to the family situation? It seems, too, that she is doing her best to let you know you can't tell her what to do, she will do as she pleases.

My siblings got on my last wire as we dealt with selling my Dad's house years ago. I found some relief in the views of my son, who was in high school at the time. He didn't have all the emotional baggage I did with them as he saw them as fun loving aunts and uncles. But he also saw their less than good side, and was able to joke with me about it (in private) and it helped lighten the experience. So, if you can find a person like that, relative or good friend, it can be a coping mechanism as you deal with everything.

And of course, we are here to offer support!

My mother in law used her youngest--my husband--to make herself look good to the older three siblings. As an outsider, I saw it, but dh thought he was being the long suffering good son. His older sibs thought their mother was doing a terrific job living on her own. Then dh visited her one day and she told him she was in big financial trouble...and not to tell her other kids! Which of course, I told him get right on the phone to them. She ended up filing bankruptcy. But she could sure spin a tall bullshit tale, covering up things that didnt go right.