Relatives not understanding

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Tigger51
Tigger51 Member Posts: 14
edited December 2017 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

Not sure where to put this, I hope this is okay.

I was diagnosed with IDC back in October, and with all the testing I only recently found out what my treatment will be. I chose to tell only my immediate family until now.

After I told one of my closest friends today, she told me she was mad at me as I had not told her sooner. Really!! This is not about her. I am dealing with it the best way I can. We have a huge social network and until I had all the answers I could not deal with questions, suggestions, advice, their cancer stories while I was hanging on to a thread. It is very sad she does not understand this.

Thanks for listening

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  • Georgia1
    Georgia1 Member Posts: 1,321
    edited December 2017

    Hi Tigger. I'm so sorry that on top of everything else you have stress with your friend. Personally, I did not tell anyone, family or friends, until two days before my surgery. I wanted to have everything all planned out, I needed to concentrate on my own needs, and I only told people the bare minimum. (Tho for those who asked I answered all of their questions.) Most of my friends understood this, some did not.

    Possibly your friend is just scared. But, right now it is not about them, it is about you. So you have my sympathies. Hang in there.

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited December 2017

    One thing for certain: you're gonna find out who your friends are. Like you, i kept it to myself until i had all my information AND a plan in place. And boy, was I surprised at everyone's reactions. Siblings who I thought would have my back ignored me. New friends at church stepped up and took care of us for MONTHS. My mother, God love her, couldn't resist telling me all the stories she knew of people who had BC, and every story ended with "...And she DIED!"

    I finally just had to make peace with it all. People are scared of hearing the word cancer. They don't know what to say, and sometimes the things they say are crass, flippant, and stupid. Forgive them anyway and move on. You'll find out quickly who you can count on and it might not be the ones you think.


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  • Lula73
    Lula73 Member Posts: 1,824
    edited December 2017

    Perhaps she’s upset because she wasn’t able to be there for you and/or feels like you didn’t value that friendship. Give her time and let her know you didn’t want to stress her out with all the unknowns on treatment plan and you appreciate her friendship.

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  • houmom
    houmom Member Posts: 162
    edited December 2017

    I’m going to be in your position too, I’ve only told one close friend and another friend who I needed to tell because we had a business connection that was impacted. I know certain friends are going to be upset, but the last thing I need is for people to be fussing over me and trying to be ‘helpful’. I know they all mean well. I found out that one friend had a scare of her own earlier this year and didn’t tell any of us and I was upset, mostly because I was sad that she had gone through it alone. But I certainly didn’t take it out on her! Hopefully your friend just didn’t express herself very well and will choose better words in future.

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  • bravepoint
    bravepoint Member Posts: 404
    edited December 2017

    Tigger51 - That's too bad that your friend reacted that way! I also didn't tell many people. Once my hair fell out and I wore a wig, people started commenting on how they loved my hair and where did I get the highlights done! Some I just let it go. Others I told them. Then my hair came back crazy curly and white when it was straight and long before. It was surprising to me how many people thought I had done that to my hair intentionally.


    Mustluvpoodles - I had the experience with family. I never saw them the whole year I was in treatment. Granted we don't live in the same city but still. My mother was insensitive also telling stories of friends with BC who are her age. I think she was just trying to relate or have something to say when we chatted on the phone.

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  • Tigger51
    Tigger51 Member Posts: 14
    edited December 2017

    Thank you for your kind words and support, it sure helps. I find having breastfeeding cancer to be isolating and now even more so with my friend not understanding. My husbands been great patiently listening to me. I’ve learned my lesson to keep it to myself

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  • Binniebin
    Binniebin Member Posts: 87
    edited December 2017

    I only told 2 close friends early, ie after biopsy and before lumpectomy. I waited until I had seen the oncologist after lumpectomy when we had a definate plan of all treatment pathways and all the pathology as well. This gave me time to process it all without getting 'sympathetic' looks, endless questions and people knowing more about me than I wanted to. I only told a certain number of colleagues next, because I had too, and told family all togeather. This was what I needed. Your friend may have felt like she wanted to help in some way, but at the end of the day it Is all about you and whatever way gets you through each day. I had a few people tell Me what they'd do with their hair if It were them loosing it. Againit's not about them. All the best!

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  • stexas
    stexas Member Posts: 52
    edited December 2017

    Tigger51- I have done the same as you kept it to myself and those I have told I have asked them not to tell anyone. We live in a small town and I would just assume my breast not be the topic of conversation. Secondly it is a very personal thing and we can all talk about it on here because everyone is in the same boat and understands but many other people would not understand. Then there are those who have their opinions and advice and may not know squat. I say its best to keep it quite as possible and have less interference.

    I hope things get better soon and your friend realizes that it was about you trying to get control and information before discussing it with anyone.

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