Trying to keep this private!!

I know how you feel. I have a small group of friends and family that I've trusted with this information. I was quite shocked to get a FB message from someone I knew in high school 21 years ago asking me how I was doing. Someone was chatty.

I've really only played the C card once. I was in a restaurant eating dinner by myself when this guy sat down at my table and started to chat me up. He wouldn't take the hint that I wanted to be left alone so I finally told him that I had cancer and wasn't in a headspace to be making new friends. Ha ha

aussielovergirl - I'm with you on this! I also decided to tell only very few, selected people, mostly people who don't know other people in my life, and people who I know are discreet. I used cold caps during my chemo, and mostly successfully kept enough of my hair that people just thought I was going through a hairstyle change instead of suspecting cancer. Someone let the cat out of the bag at my daughter's school, and asked my husband how I was doing. Luckily, he's on the same page as me, and shut it down, saying we had really hoped to keep this on the down-low and didn't want to discuss it. I don't know who knows now, but they don't ask me about it. Nonetheless, it put me on edge the few times I had to join the other parents at a birthday party, but people seemed to either have gotten the message, or the news might not have spread as far as I thought.

My rationale is that there are certain people with whom I don't want to discuss the topic of cancer, mine or anyone else's! They're either overly dramatic, too sad, too emotional, just too much. I hate getting that "boo-boo" pouty face, sad eyes, "so sorry" look imposed on me, especially on a day when I'm feeling so good that I'm actually believing I can kick this and die of something else! This is my cancer, and I get to bring it up with when I want, and with whom I want. I want to think about it when I want, and I want to discuss it only when I want to. When the world at large knows, then they get to bring it up whenever THEY want, and that is so unpleasant to me.

Some people need the emotional feedback from people. That's just not me.

Blinkie - That is so frustrating! I can't believe the friend didn't stop talking about it even after you told him he wasn't supposed to know!

For me, I discovered I needed to basically start off with a speech focusing on the secrecy I intend to keep. You gotta get specific with people, because "private" might mean to them that all your friends in your circles know, but you aren't starting a blog or a Go Fund Me about it. I would tell these individuals that I'm not "out" about my diagnosis, that I've just told very few people, and I haven't told even some family members, and if they would please also not tell anyone. Sometimes they just say, I totally understand, my lips are sealed. Sometimes they ask why, and I tell them that when people know at large, then it gets brought up all the time, and there are just some people I don't want to discuss this subject with. One parent at my daughter's school came to me after a few weeks and asked, "Can you tell me which other parent knows?" And I told her basically no one else besides the principal and my daughter's teacher. Her question got me a bit upset because why was she even asking who knew? If she was asked to not talk about it, then she shouldn't even care who else knows because I had asked her to not talk about it to anyone else. It just shows that her gossiping urges were bursting to say something. Ugh. I bet she was the leaker. But with the exception of the daughter's school situation, I haven't had other leaks that I know of. At least none where they would mention it back to me.

Elberama --- This is so RIGHT ON !! what you wrote --

"My rationale is that there are certain people with whom I don't want to discuss the topic of cancer, mine or anyone else's! They're either overly dramatic, too sad, too emotional, just too much. I hate getting that "boo-boo" pouty face, sad eyes, "so sorry" look imposed on me, especially on a day when I'm feeling so good that I'm actually believing I can kick this and die of something else! This is my cancer, and I get to bring it up with when I want, and with whom I want. I want to think about it when I want, and I want to discuss it only when I want to. When the world at large knows, then they get to bring it up whenever THEY want, and that is so unpleasant to me.

Some people need the emotional feedback from people. That's just not me." Thanks ! I am so happy to know there are others who feel like me, because I have gotten some flack - for why don't you want everyone to know-- more people to pray for you and help you.... well what I told my husband was, its worse when I actually did tell people (the first time around) and they never offered help, visited, sent a card, or checked up on me. Its worse to me essentially letting people in - and then being let down. But Mostly I don't tell, because I don't want it brought up and have to talk about it when they do - like you said

Shetlandpony

my MIL finally did get yelled at by my husband, not me. Now they are holding it against him/me and not wanting to visit us for THanksgiving or anything. I feel bad for my husband, and I know he's hurt, but she is just playing typical manipulative games.... we are not going to apologize because she was wrong, but I do feel like there has to be some give from both sides to end this stalemate.

aussielover, you are spot on with your analysis. I told many people the first time, boy did I come to regret that! With my second diagnosis, I have kept it to close family only and asked them not to tell others. I have never felt that this was the wrong decision for me. The widespread lack of empathy, good communication skills or understanding of what it's like to have breast cancer is clearly far too prevalent.