Trying to keep this private!!
Comments
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Thank you, Shetland Pony! I have practice with a prior MIL. 'Your teenage daughter is dating, do you have her on Birth Control?' That's a good response that can be gentle, or I can use my 'mother voice'.
Laughter sure helps too! DH & I can find humor in Almost anything.
My same daughter in need of BC caused me to think of another answer.... ' That information is on a Need To Know Basis'.
Love you gals
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I know how you feel. I have a small group of friends and family that I've trusted with this information. I was quite shocked to get a FB message from someone I knew in high school 21 years ago asking me how I was doing. Someone was chatty.
I've really only played the C card once. I was in a restaurant eating dinner by myself when this guy sat down at my table and started to chat me up. He wouldn't take the hint that I wanted to be left alone so I finally told him that I had cancer and wasn't in a headspace to be making new friends. Ha ha
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Yes I also like my privacy and I’m more worried about people knowing im having a mastectomy than anything. It is so personal and devastating, and I haven’t come to terms with it yet. The thought of wearing a prosthesis makes me very anxious, I will be worried all the time about it slipping etc. I’ve been told I can’t have reconstruction for at least a year, and can’t imagine having to try to hide my lopsidedness for that long. I asked for both breasts to be removed for symmetry, but was told the dr won’t remove the healthy breast. How do you keep a prosthesis in place in the gym?
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aussielovergirl - I'm with you on this! I also decided to tell only very few, selected people, mostly people who don't know other people in my life, and people who I know are discreet. I used cold caps during my chemo, and mostly successfully kept enough of my hair that people just thought I was going through a hairstyle change instead of suspecting cancer. Someone let the cat out of the bag at my daughter's school, and asked my husband how I was doing. Luckily, he's on the same page as me, and shut it down, saying we had really hoped to keep this on the down-low and didn't want to discuss it. I don't know who knows now, but they don't ask me about it. Nonetheless, it put me on edge the few times I had to join the other parents at a birthday party, but people seemed to either have gotten the message, or the news might not have spread as far as I thought.
My rationale is that there are certain people with whom I don't want to discuss the topic of cancer, mine or anyone else's! They're either overly dramatic, too sad, too emotional, just too much. I hate getting that "boo-boo" pouty face, sad eyes, "so sorry" look imposed on me, especially on a day when I'm feeling so good that I'm actually believing I can kick this and die of something else! This is my cancer, and I get to bring it up with when I want, and with whom I want. I want to think about it when I want, and I want to discuss it only when I want to. When the world at large knows, then they get to bring it up whenever THEY want, and that is so unpleasant to me.
Some people need the emotional feedback from people. That's just not me.
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I, too, am very private, and have told few people about my health issues. After my first diagnosis, I told three (carefully chosen) friends about it and asked them to not to share what I told them. Within a day or two an acquaintance brought up my having cancer while we were with a group of people. I stopped him right away and told him that whoever had told him about my situation had broken my trust, that I had confided in this person in confidence, and that I would like my private business to be private. He ignored what I said and told me about his family member that had cancer and about a friend who had died of cancer. (Oh. Thanks. So supportive and comforting.) Of course others in the group heard snippets of our conversation and were quite nosy for a while.
When I asked the person I confided in why she did not keep my confidence she said, "Oh well, I knew you would want others to know." ???? WTF????
Remembering this I can see how poorly I was able to judge who would be a reliable friend.
One reason I like to keep quiet about my diagnosis is that when people know I have breast cancer, they seem compelled to tell me about their friend/sister/mother etc who died. This was so hard when I was in the midst of diagnosis and treatment. I only wanted to be comforted and given hope. What they were telling me was frightening. I finally came up with something I felt comfortable saying in response: I am so sorry for your loss and right now I am not a good person to give you comfort. Usually this works for me. The person feels heard but also realizes they were a bit tactless, and the subject ends without hostility. Usually.
Another reason I like to keep quiet about it is to avoid being told that I have breast cancer because of my attitude about my body or my lack of spiritual fitness or not eating enough foraged food or whatever. Aggghhhhhh!!!! I really hate receiving unsolicited advice and amateur "medical" opinions.
A coworker told me that she had cured her cancer with meditation. Her tone of voice let me know how superior she thought she was and how inferior I was for not doing the same. So kind of her, wasn't it?
I've gone through treatment twice and both times I tried to control who knew. The last time, I told almost no one. But, if or when it happens again, I might be more open. Maybe. I might. Not sure.
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Blinkie - That is so frustrating! I can't believe the friend didn't stop talking about it even after you told him he wasn't supposed to know!
For me, I discovered I needed to basically start off with a speech focusing on the secrecy I intend to keep. You gotta get specific with people, because "private" might mean to them that all your friends in your circles know, but you aren't starting a blog or a Go Fund Me about it. I would tell these individuals that I'm not "out" about my diagnosis, that I've just told very few people, and I haven't told even some family members, and if they would please also not tell anyone. Sometimes they just say, I totally understand, my lips are sealed. Sometimes they ask why, and I tell them that when people know at large, then it gets brought up all the time, and there are just some people I don't want to discuss this subject with. One parent at my daughter's school came to me after a few weeks and asked, "Can you tell me which other parent knows?" And I told her basically no one else besides the principal and my daughter's teacher. Her question got me a bit upset because why was she even asking who knew? If she was asked to not talk about it, then she shouldn't even care who else knows because I had asked her to not talk about it to anyone else. It just shows that her gossiping urges were bursting to say something. Ugh. I bet she was the leaker. But with the exception of the daughter's school situation, I haven't had other leaks that I know of. At least none where they would mention it back to me.
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I hear ya on wanting few people as possible knowing... I just vented on another thread about that!
I think it's obnoxious and can't understand why there are people who would NOT respect our wishes!!! After all - WE are the ones dealing with this!!! Grrrrr.......
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Elberama --- This is so RIGHT ON !! what you wrote --
"My rationale is that there are certain people with whom I don't want to discuss the topic of cancer, mine or anyone else's! They're either overly dramatic, too sad, too emotional, just too much. I hate getting that "boo-boo" pouty face, sad eyes, "so sorry" look imposed on me, especially on a day when I'm feeling so good that I'm actually believing I can kick this and die of something else! This is my cancer, and I get to bring it up with when I want, and with whom I want. I want to think about it when I want, and I want to discuss it only when I want to. When the world at large knows, then they get to bring it up whenever THEY want, and that is so unpleasant to me.
Some people need the emotional feedback from people. That's just not me." Thanks ! I am so happy to know there are others who feel like me, because I have gotten some flack - for why don't you want everyone to know-- more people to pray for you and help you.... well what I told my husband was, its worse when I actually did tell people (the first time around) and they never offered help, visited, sent a card, or checked up on me. Its worse to me essentially letting people in - and then being let down. But Mostly I don't tell, because I don't want it brought up and have to talk about it when they do - like you said
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Scared67 --- thanks for replying -- I am still feeling the affects from getting upset with someone who went and blabbed their mouth. Now they are holding it against us that we called them out on it, and are not wanting to see us for Thanksgiving or spending any time with us. I think that is very manipulative ! And childish coming from a 75 year old - but what are you gonna do. We are not going to apologize because she was in the wrong.
Now - we know shes always been like this, but sometimes we wonder if she has some dementia going on-- then I feel bad - thinking she just doesn't know any better.
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Shetlandpony
my MIL finally did get yelled at by my husband, not me. Now they are holding it against him/me and not wanting to visit us for THanksgiving or anything. I feel bad for my husband, and I know he's hurt, but she is just playing typical manipulative games.... we are not going to apologize because she was wrong, but I do feel like there has to be some give from both sides to end this stalemate.
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oh Blinkie - that's awful. it just gets me all riled up again, like when it was done to me. I am sorry you had to go through that. Those people are the worst !! (who bring up people they know who died) Like WTH dude -- I know some people are awkward and don't know what to say, but what in anyones right mind thinks that's a good thing to say ?? jeez. louise.
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aussielover, you are spot on with your analysis. I told many people the first time, boy did I come to regret that! With my second diagnosis, I have kept it to close family only and asked them not to tell others. I have never felt that this was the wrong decision for me. The widespread lack of empathy, good communication skills or understanding of what it's like to have breast cancer is clearly far too prevalent.
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Thanks Optimist52 - hope you are doing well now and looking forward to a nice Thanksgiving !
I guess we are dealt a lot -- first how to deal with all this and our own emotions and then also dealing with other peoples lack of compassion and communication skills . it is very trying - and I like to think I have the patience of a Saint
Feeling good and positive -I'm getting back into walking at least 2-3 miles each day, so getting stronger. Feeling pretty good besides getting tired earlier in the evenings.
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