A year ago today ...

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NotVeryBrave
NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
edited December 2017 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

A year ago today - that's when I saw the MD about a lump I'd found and was sent in a rush to the imaging center for mammo and US. That's when I started seeing the sad faces and learned I needed a biopsy. That's when everyone started making appointments for me.

I'm thankful that I've survived the year mostly intact. Sure - I've lost hair, weight, boobs, money as well as peace of mind, sleep, security, comfort. It could have been worse, I guess. No such thing as a "cure" so I don't know. Just NED until proven otherwise.

I'm feeling pretty depressed lately. I miss my old body. I miss having just the ordinary sorts of stresses. I worry about if and when I'll get over all of this.

I feel like I should be happy - proud of what I've gone through or something. But I just feel kind of sad about it all.

Sorry for the downer. Hope no newbies are reading this. I'm not so good at the positive spin.


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  • Neanie44
    Neanie44 Member Posts: 73
    edited November 2017

    Dear NotVeryBrave,

    I am sorry we are all going through this. I read your story and I can truly see that being me in a year. I am approaching my last chemo treatment and still need to do RADS, but for some reason I feel a certain calm/paranoia within. I guess calm, because I have almost made it through chemo and didn't think I would and paranoia because, now that I have had the time to reflect, I ask - have I made the right treatment decisions; will it return and if so, how may years. I guess because the from the time the tumor was discovered till now, everything has been like a roller coaster of dr's appts, surgeries, etc and preparing for what's next- almost mechanical, so no time to think - just react. Sure, I stopped to cry, but am only now thinking rational enough to go through path report and think of the future knowing there is no cure. People tell me - "Oh it's a good thing it was caught early", but that is little comfort knowing that the battle might not be over, so what I have told myself - is that I will allow myself to have those bad days, because only I know how I feel, but to get up the next day and start all over living one day at a time.

    We are here for you on your worst days, best days and those in-between not so good days. :-)

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  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited November 2017

    Agree -- don't apologise. Where else can we go, if not here, to say all these things that frankly a lot of people don't want to hear? It's not pink -- it's not necessarily positive all the time -- but it's TRUE.

    I'm almost a year, too.

    I miss the ordinary worries as well. I miss eating whatever I want and having a glass of wine/beer without feeling like I'm dancing with the devil. I miss being WTF about things. I miss my naivete when now I feel "wise". I hate thinking the occasional bad thought: the why me when others seem to sail through life without any health issues. (Bravo for them, though.)

    But...there are good things that have come, too. I feel a sense of gratitude and pure joy over simple things. I have a kinship with some I would never have met if not for BC. I'm trying to focus on the good. But it ain't easy.

    Share all you need to here. We all get it. I just don't want to discuss this really with anyone who doesn't get it.

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  • Neanie44
    Neanie44 Member Posts: 73
    edited November 2017

    EastcoastTS,

    OMG!! I am almost in tears reading your post. I have one treatment left of chemo and feel so much like you. I can remember at most of my doctor's appointments I was asked, 'so other than this - you've been basically healthy and my answer would always be - yes, but looks like I hit the jackpot'. Yeah, it's a different prospective now, I like you have realized that there have been some good things that have come from this, like taking life a little slower and having a connection with you ladies that allowed me keep some of my sanity, when other people don't get it and for me that seems to be the worst part. I like you have pretty much decided to stop discussing with people that just don't get it; it too much explaining and exhaustive.


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  • ScotBird
    ScotBird Member Posts: 650
    edited November 2017

    I made a friend who was diagnosed with BC around the same time as me. She told me of some advice from another woman who had gone through the same thing some time ago. “Give yourself 2 years, one year to do the treatment, and another year to recover".

    Take it easy and be kind to yourself NotVeryBrave.This is very very difficult thing. Just breathe, and take it one day at a time. I'm just coming up for 2 years now, and it really has got a lot better, but only slowly and gradually.

    I'm sending love to you.

    X

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  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited November 2017

    Thank you, everyone. I think I was a little alarmed at how much the anniversary has affected me. I knew you'd get it.

    I know I can't go back. And it's true that there are some things that you just understand better after having gone through cancer treatment.

    I saw my MO today - 3 more Herceptin infusions and then that's done. I'll be interested to see how I feel afterwards. It's been so long that I really don't know what's normal!

    I'm looking into seeing a counselor and starting some type of post-cancer exercise routine as well. I just need some guidance for a few areas in my life.


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  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited November 2017

    Look into LiveStrong, usually at your local YMCA. My doctor here "referred" me. (They may require something), but it's a 12-week program, completely free, and with other cancer survivors. My group was small but included other BC-ers, as well as others. The classes were pretty easy...but it got me back into a routine of going to the gym. And at no cost. Can't beat that. I could use the Y at any time during the time period. Then I joined after it ended.

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  • stephaniebc
    stephaniebc Member Posts: 53
    edited November 2017

    i had the same diagnosis at the same time as you, and i was surprised by how much the anniversary affected me too. i didn't expect to feel so sad, especially after having the best possible outcome (like you, a pcr) and having fully recovered from the treatments.

    exercising helps me A LOT.

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  • Bonmon62
    Bonmon62 Member Posts: 5
    edited November 2017

    HI, This is my first post.. i was diagnosed just about a month ago with ILC, 1.4 cm. NO lymph nodes involved. My surgeon did a wire guided lumpectomy, getting clean margins. I am estrogen and progesterone positive and her2 negative.. I am starting radiation soon and then some sort of serm i guess. i do not think i need chemo. What i cant seem to hold onto is the positive outlook my surgeon is telling me i should have. He tells me to let him handle me for the next 5 years. I just met this person 4 weeks ago and i do trust him. He said the biopsy would hurt a little. It did . He said the surgery would be a little more, it was, it was actually not that bad, the set up sucked, with inserting the dye and the wire, but , all in all , it was not bad. I'm 2 weeks out from surgery tomorrow and i have to gear up for the next step. Im stage 1a. I am seeing a lot of women with stage 1a that got mastecomies and im wondering if down the road i will be getting one too. My surgeon didnt think it was necessary since my lesion was so small. Im 54 years old, and im trying to figure out how im going to live the rest of my life.. I meet with the onco next week.

    Bonnie

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  • ScotBird
    ScotBird Member Posts: 650
    edited November 2017

    Bonnie I feel for you. The original diagnosis of BC hit me like a sledgehammer from nowhere. I’m just approaching 2 years out and my anxiety is rising because these milestones seem so significant. Sometimes a few days have gone by without me thinking about it at all though. That has only been true a few times, and there have also been dark days.

    It sounds like you are being well looked after. This forum is great for information and support. Add your treatments and diagnosis to your signature and have a look on the forum for threads which appeal to you. You will find a lot of comfort here. Give yourself time, and just take one day at a time.

    I’m sending you lots of love. X


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  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited November 2017

    Bonnie - I think it's super important to educate yourself and find providers that are both good and good with you. We all do the best we can with what we know of our cancer, our treatment options, and ourselves. Try not to look back and second guess your choices. Keep moving forward. It will get better.


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  • Bonmon62
    Bonmon62 Member Posts: 5
    edited November 2017

    thanks .. i wasnt sure how i felt about this forum,,but it seems to be helping..

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited November 2017

    NotVeryBrave, I'm right there with you.


    It was Dec 5, 2016 that I went for my mammogram, Dec 28th when I got a call saying they wanted another look, and thus began my descent into a place that looks like my life but sure as hell does not feel like my life.

    It was this time last year that I made the appointment that changed my life (not in a good way!). This milestone has brought dark feelings with it. Dread, my constant companion.

    The other night as I scratched my 'good' boob I thought, hey, what's this? A lump. A BIG lump! A big lump that you can see with the naked eye. And any thoughts I had of getting past this one year anniversary went right down the toilet as I am hurled again, almost exactly a year later, into the same damn bullshit! I am furious and sick to my stomach. "Maybe it's nothing". I will never again take comfort in those words. I was told first time around that nothing about my radial scar looked like cancer, only a tiny portion of radial scars are ever cancer. Well everyone got that one wrong! ANd here I am, waiting for an diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound again.

    I do not have the mental energy or strength to go through this again. I don't. So I do absolutely get the grave and serious nature of these milestones when the memories rise to the top. As if they ever really sink to the bottom. They don't. Hugging you.

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  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited November 2017

    Runor - Ugh! I so feel for you with this latest issue. I do "hope that it's nothing" and totally get the feelings of despair at the same time. I recently had a work up for a lump behind the nipple on the cancer side which turned out to be fat necrosis. Even though I didn't rationally think it could be cancer, my mind automatically went there. And I felt frozen with thoughts of "I just can't" anymore.

    It's weird - I'm both so sad that others feel like me and so very grateful that you do!

    Let me know how things go. Big hugs!


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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited November 2017

    KB870, if you are managing to sleep again, then I have a huge amount of admiration and awe for you. I think for many of us this is a two pronged disease. There is a battle in our bodies, and another battle in our minds. We feel attacked from both angles. As I watched my body heal (and develop other problems!) I waited for my brain to heal, for the fear and apprehension and worry to leave. It hasn't. And now, well...

    I do know where to reach you. I wish you well with all my heart and best of cluck in the coming years. (no, cluck is not a typo!)

    Happy

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  • CCNC
    CCNC Member Posts: 30
    edited November 2017

    Notverybrave,

    We were diagnosed almost at the same time. I had the same experience of getting rushed in for a lump I found, I clearly remember the grim face on the lady doing the ultrasound. The waiting was horrible and then the results were in the day before thanksgiving last year. We were in the same chemo group I mainly lurked and read, anxious like most people on here. I can completely relate to what you are feeling after going through a year of being poked, prodded, scanned, cut on, poisoned, burned and the frustration of so many freaking appointments I think it is justified. We have been through a lot and as we come to the end, I think we are coming up for air and trying to see what is left of our former lives and what the next steps will be. I am glad there is a next step but also wonder if the worry will ever go away and how much time do I have left before it rears it's ugly head. Reading your post helped me because that is how I have been feeling as well. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in feeling sad, so maybe this is just part of the process of getting through all of this.

    Tomorrow is my one year date. I have one more Herceptin to get through in December (it has not been an easy drug for me, getting sick every three weeks for a year) and one last surgery to get the port out. I will start tamoxifen this week and hoping I have minimal side effects. I am already looking forward to the day I don't have to take it. Here is hoping we all have a better year in 2018.

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  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited November 2017

    KB - Thanks for the encouraging words. I'm glad you're done with this phase and feeling a good sense of relief. I halfway wished that there was some sort of fanfare when I finished the tough chemo, but really I was just almost surprised that I was finally done.

    CCNC - Yes, it helps to have others like you along on this treacherous journey. No one else really knows that combination of feelings. Thanks for adding your experience. We'll find our way out - I hope!


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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited November 2017

    I think I’m the veteran in this group. I am 6 years out last August. So you guys yes there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

    I have been on the emotional and physical roller coaster. I am still anxious come annual mammo time but other than that I don’t think about what I went through or what if. We are all branded with the C word forever. Is what it is but I promise you while time doesn’t heal all wounds breast cancer doesn’t consume you like it did when you were first diagnosed.

    I went through the process in a fog. Kept my game face on for my family and found a BC support group through my church.

    Bottom line I have made it past the 5 year Milestone so there are reasons for optimism.

    Keep the faith ladies. You can do it. Breast cancer doesn’t define you. You are stronger than you think.

    Diane
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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited November 2017

    Edwards, your words helped me. I have not been able to find my emotional / mental footing in the last year. Despite constant urges to 'be positive' from everyone. I don't think it was an issue of positive or negative. It was an issue of knowing way more about this disease than I used to and realizing that it is going to hang over me for life and how do I live with that? Deal with that? Go forward as if it isn't there?

    And then just as some of the immediate terror was subsiding ... more lumps in the other breast! Now I feel like letting my guard down is inviting attack. Ugh!

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  • Newnorm
    Newnorm Member Posts: 100
    edited December 2017

    I completely relate to this thread.

    One year ago today I was diagnosed. I am struggling to get over the worry about recurrence. Every little ache and pain consumes me. It's tough. I'm weary. Thanks for reading

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