How to Keep Going, When All My Go is Gone
I was going to put this in the liver mets thread, but it is more than that.
In the past week, my Mom died. She was 99 and went peacefully, but my sister didn't let me know because she was angry at my brothers. It is a long complex story, but the shortest version is that she was my Mom's caregiver and guardian, and my brothers have not helped at all. I used to before the Stage 4 diagnosis, but traveling got difficult, and only made it out there twice in the past five years. But, I stayed in touch. Mom had dementia, for twenty years, so my sister did have a big job. Mom had enough money, but it's still hard.
However you slice it, my Mom was dying, and I didn't know till three days after she passed.
This morning, my son informs me that he is really tanking his first semester at college. He is smart, but has wicked ADHD. By really tanking, I mean to say that he is passing one class. Doing very well in it, but Come On. Alrightee - we knew he'd be changing his major, but I'm still not getting a full story out of him as to what - exactly - is the problem. Absences? Late work?
It's not the end of the world. He is healthy, loves the campus (maybe too much, right?), and we are getting some supports in place for next semester. But, his scholarship is gone, and that is going to be an issue.
Wait - there's more. For the first time in six years of treatment, I had to go to the ER last Friday because my intestines stopped working. I'd had massive over-production, from a constipation correction, and it just wouldn't stop, even when it ran out of food ammunition. Then it felt like my insides were blown up and hot, with sharp pains. This isn't normal, so off to the ER I head. They were marvelous, and I even got my favorite infusion nurse to jump over and access my port for the CAT scan and lab work. They diagnose ulcerative colitis, and put me on an antibiotic regimen. I am improving, slowly.
Today, I'm supposed to get chemo (Doxil, 8th round), but my MO calls to say that there is significant liver progression based on the ER's CAT scan, but he's away dealing with his mother-in-law and won't be back in the office till Friday. We will talk options then.
He was comforting, and said that there were options. But, let's get real. I've been on Arimidex, Tamoxifen, Taxol, Faslodex, Letrozole/Ibrance, Xeloda, Halaven, CMF and Doxil. I am using up options. He seemed more upset about my colitis, so now I'm thinking it's got something to do with my liver, and not my Mother or Son - I do tend to take my emotions out on my innards.
Here I am now, trying to keep moving forward, but the will is gone. If I died today, my son could just bundle the grief into his first semester's woes, and be ready to get at it come mid-January. I know I'm going to kick him in the fanny in the future, what with dying and all, and I hate that. My spouse would recover, and he wouldn't have to change jobs to keep from traveling so much. My brothers could pretend to grieve, and I'd go into the same plot as my Mom.
How do you keep going? So many of you have been pummeled by life, and you don't surrender. For the first time in my life, I wish I had religious faith.
Yes, I have taken some Ativan. I will be seeking counseling, if for nothing else than learning how to help my kid make it into adulthood. My poor husband has to deal with all this, and show up happy and productive at work. He is amazing.
Comments
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blainejennifer,
We won't pretend to know what to say here, although we know others will be by shortly to offer their thoughts and love. We just wanted to say hey, we're thinking of you, and sending you our best thoughts for feeling a little better soon. Sometimes things can seem completely overwhelming and hopeless one day, and the next you get a sign that things might just turn out kind of okay. We hope that is soon for you!
((((Big, big hugs))))
--The Mods
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Blainejennifer, Where to start? I am so sorry you lost your mother. It doesn't matter how sick she was or how old she was, she was your mother. I'm so sorry it was kept from you, but maybe you could look at the positive. Your memories won't be tainted by how she looked while dying. You, my dear, are having a ducky year. I want to tell you a little about 2001 for me.
We sold our house and business, and bought a new motor home to travel the country. The day we were supposed to leave, I got a phone call from my mother, telling me that my father had a massive seizure and was unconcious. Ran to ER, to be told he had massive stroke. Long story short, he died 8 days later. My only real parent, my grandmother's only son. 2 months later, my mother kicked her out off their home. 6 weeks later my brother called to beg me to come home, his wife (39yrs old) was dying from colon cancer. We knew she had it, just thought she would last longer. She died 3 weeks later. Grandma got sick and almost died. My family, already fractured, disintegrated. My brother could not handle, stayed with us for 2 months. Then I had my first bc scare. Oh and I almost forgot to mention 9/11.
I got help. I saw a therapist for awhile, told everyone that they needed to deal with their own problems, that they had managed to crack the strong one(me). I was drowning.
A therapist would be a great idea for you. Getting with your MO and getting your new treatment plan will help you physically and mentally. You need to take care of you! I am holding you close in my thoughts and prayers,
Claudia
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Blainejennifer, sorry I stopped so abruptly. Many whole point to that soap opera was, this too shall pass. You probably would benefit with a little therapy. We all need it once in awhile. You are down in the trenches right now and it would be a good idea to call in the Calvary. If you don't believe in God, do you have any spiritual beliefs that could help?
As for treatments, they are making huge strides in finding new treatments now. Just hold on til they find the right one for you! Hang on Sweetie, we are all here for you!
Claudia
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Blainejennifer, Honestly I do not have half the stuff going on in my life that you do and have not been dealing with MBC even half as long as you. To me it is no wonder yo are having a very hard time!
First of all, Bigb said it right. it doesn't matter if your Mom was sick or old, she was your Mom. You helped when you could but this disease kicks our butt. You can only do what you can do. Take 2/3 of whatever regret or guilt you are felling and hand them over to those brothers of yours. I am sure earlier in life you did plenty for you Mom. My sister was also the primary person to care for my Mom as we lived 3 hours away, often with snow covered roads and 3 little kids. so it just happens that way for many.
My son had similar issues with college. Smart as a whip but could not focus on all the classes, flunked out of some classes, changed his major twice, changed colleges. After 4 years he dropped out with probably 30 or so units to go. But he found his passion and niche in photography and is flourishing with his own business. So I had to let the dream of his graduating go but am very proud and confident in him now.
I'm so sorry to hear of the liver progression.....always so scary. And the colitis.
I don't know what to say to help you feel any better. Some days I am so consumed by grief, all I do is curl up on the couch, stare at TV and sob. But even that I get weary of, so somehow I peel myself up and make myself do something, anything to distract my mind. Coming here helps of course. Doing little things to prepare "just in case" helps somewhat. Really the mind twisting never goes away it just takes a rest for awhile.
I hope your Onc has a plan for you and that you find some peace. You have been a tremendous help to all of us in the past and hope somehow we can do the same for you.
Thinking of you and sending hugs
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Geez, Blainejennifer, I wish I swore because I would just fill the first two lines of this post with nasty words. Beautiful lady, you do not deserve any of this. There are no sugar-coated words to explain all that you have been hit with. All I can do is offer you hugs and lift you up in prayer. I don't care if you have faith or not. The fact is that I do, and I hope that through my prayers and prayers of others who will join me, some relief and peace will be sent to you.
I won't pretend to understand your sister's reasons for keeping your mother's downturn and passing from you. Maybe she thought she could spare you the stress that comes along with making arrangements, etc. She was probably still reeling from the enormity of everything going on around her -your mom's final decline, making arrangements, clearing things out, filing documents and on and on. She probably went into an automatic response, just trying to get through a difficult time. It really doesn't matter what she was thinking. What does matter is that you lost your mom, and you need to grieve. As Claudia said, it doesn't matter how old she was or how long she had been ill. Your mom was your mom, and the loss is personal and huge. You did everything you could do under the circumstances. You knew she was being well-cared for. You kept in touch. You did all you could.
Now on to your son. It sounds like you know that he is acting his age. That doesn't make it any easier, of course. Some young people find that sudden sense of freedom that comes with the first year of college a bit overwhelming. Sometimes it is just to easy to screw up. One of my sons had a terrible first semester of college. I swear he thought it was his duty to socialize rather than study. Luckily, he wanted to continue to play baseball (oh, and LIVE since he knew I was ready to strangle him), and he straightened out. My DH and I did have a long talk with him and explained what we expected and also that we were not willing to throw money down the drain for him to get poor grades. Btw, he is now an attorney, husband, father, and youth coach.
As far as your will to keep going is concerned, there is no magic formula. I think that you need to wait to hear what your MO has to offer. Listen to his plan. Ask questions about how effective he thinks the treatment will be. Find out what the common SEs are. I doubt that he was being dishonest when he said there are options available. Where there are options, there is hope. Another thing that you have to consider is this: You have been hit over the head with more horrible issues all at once than many people face in a lifetime. With all that is happening, it is tough to face the reality of progression and new treatments. Taken by itself, it would seem more manageable.
It is a personal decision for each of us to surrender and give up. When we think the time is coming, we owe it to ourselves to really think it through, to determine the true reasons for our choice, to breathe deeply, close our eyes, clear our minds, and look deep inside. Right now might not be the right time for you to think about it clearly since your mind is so full of emotions. I have read many of your posts, and you have always been supportive to others. It is time for us to give back to you. Others will come along with more help than I have offered.
Hugs and prayers from, Lynne
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Dear Mods, Claudia and Artist,
Your kind words have started me crying again - good tears this time. I do not know how I would have survived without the wise ladies here.
Claudia, how did you make it through 2001? I imagine that every time the phone rang, you shuddered inside.
Yeah, 9/11 was hard. I remember nursing DS while listening to the public news station, when the first plane hit. No one knew what the heck was going on, and that station cut out. The broadcasting tower was on top of the first tower. So, I turned on the TV. Then the second plane hit. For the rest of the day, all that played were the towers and fireballs, and herds of ashen folk trying to get home. My friend Maya crawled out from under the first tower in the dark, and walked the six miles back home to where we lived in Queens. When the wind shifted, we could smell airplane fuel, a barbecue smell, and dust from the concrete. We saw fighter jets scramble in the air space above our park, and - for some reason - there were armed young men in uniform on our street corners. We lived in a very Muslim part of Queens, so we figured that someone wanted to maintain order, for everyones' benefit. I think that the stress of all that is what gave me cancer in the first place.
Artist, I'm not overly invested in his academic success - that's my husband's job
But, before I go, I'd like to see him on a path that leads him to being self-sustaining and independent. Don't care what it is, as long as he's keen on it. Some of this is my fault. I know he has ADHD, and I honestly thought he was going to continue the self care and management strategies that got him to college in the first place. And, the little bugger wasn't straight with me when I would ask about how his work was going, and how much sleep he was getting. He loves the autonomy of not being at home with Nagging Mom. We've had a few hard talks in the past couple of days, and he's still trying to throw up a reality distortion field. It could be so much worse. He doesn't drink or drug, talks to us on a regular basis, and seems to be learning from his mistakes. I hope I haven't hurt our relationship, because I did get a bit screamy in that first phone call.I am thrilled for your son. It isn't easy to have a successful creative business, and he is doing it!
I'm so greedy. Twenty years ago, I would already be dead, but I want more time. Spouse and I are just getting to know each other again, with more privacy in the house. DS still needs parental oversight. I've got stuff to do, but very little energy to do it with.
And frankly, I was gob-smacked by losing Ebru. I've been on this list long enough to remember too many personal superstars. I think that's why I hate it when old threads pop up - I see those dear, gone names and I hear that winged chariot right at ear level.
Thanks again for helping me out. I've never needed it more.
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Blainejennifer, I wish I could give you a hug. Just for a minute. Sometimes that's what we need to let the tears come and begin working things through. You've had a rough go, and dealing with your mother's passing on an expost facto basis, your son's behavior (from what I understand, not unusual for a teenager), your scare and pain with ulcerative colitis, and concern about your next treatment all came together at once. Add to that the grief of Ebru's passing, and it's a perfect cauldron for raw emotion and despair.
You've received wonderful input. Thank heavens for this forum. I think that as you receive further responses, you'll find that the really difficult things seem to come in clusters. I know that's been true for me, with my husband's cancer diagnosis and depression, and a close relative's ALS diagnosis.
You are doing and considering all the right things. An antidepressant is appropriate, as is seeing a therapist. But it may take a while before you find one who can help, so it is important to continue to search. I finally found one who was able to help me after 5 others could not, but admittedly there were occasions I stopped searching for a long time because I felt I'd never find anyone skilled and perceptive enough to make a difference.
Try to be gentle with yourself. Eat (carefully), rest, and try to do something that gives you a moment of pleasure each day. Today for me it was watching squirrels frolicking in our back yard!
Also, don't plan ahead. The theme, "How will I get through this?" is best managed one moment at a time.
And always remember you have friends. You are loved by so many people.
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oh sweetie, it’s a terrible time for you. Counseling and maybe some antidepressants would probably help you feel better.
My son is in his third year of college (didn’t think I would see him graduate high school). He tanked his first year. By the end of it he was on academic probation and at risk of getting kicked out. Somehow he got his act together...but with help. If you are not already using disability resource services at his school, they have been life saving for us. Your son needs you more than you think. He would be greatly affected if you died today, so try not to do that.
Today my Onc nurse told me there are twenty different chemos and new stuff being presented at the SanAntonio Brest Cancer Symposium coming up. Please don’t give up. That trip to the ER, stress from your son and of course your mom, are making this a tough time for you. But it will get better, and you’ll feel better.
BIg hug for you.
Stefanie
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BlaineJennifer - Losing Ebru was a gut punch to hope for me as well. Everything is pretty good in my life except for dealing with some progression. Ebru's death threw me and the small challenges I face seemed pointless to fight for a while. I felt the ground sink under me periodically. I've gotten through it but I am not dealing with what you are going through. I am glad you are taking Ativan but depression is more or less the appropriate reaction to the hand we've been dealt at times. We get through it by going through it and talking and doing everything you are doing.
I don't think you are wrong that your family is strong and will get through losing you, if it ever happens. But they are strong because you made them that way. You will get through this dark patch and get back to the business of living. You have quite a bit more to do in this world and knowing what you know about the full spectrum of the experience, you have more to give.
Hugs,
>Z<
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Blaine Jennifer. I lost my mother to MBC at the same time I was fighting MBC. I was with her a lot during her 15 months of chemo, etc. Her last three weeks was misery for me. I heard every sound, every struggling breath and all the rest of her dying. Every minute, every hour, twenty four/seven. I don't recommend that for any daughter EVER. It was not one of those perfect death scenes like we see on TV. Therefore, as hard as it is for you now, I don't think you needed to be there for all that. Family drama always takes center stage during a family member's death. All that to say, I survived all that and went thirteen more years before I was DX with MBC again.
I'm am not trying to equate my story to yours, just saying you might have been spared a grueling death scene by your sister's actions, or lack thereof.
Obviously, your need now is to do first things first. Talk to your MO about your treatment plan. There are so many ladies here who have had extensive liver progression. Personally, I thought they were goners, WRONG. Do however much curling up on the couch and crying as you need to do, to get you through the next few days.
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This life is hard! So it's completely understandable to go through these moments of despair. You have a lot to think about and worry about and putting it out here, reaching out for help, that's a good start. This place is one of the best because the people here are the closest we're going to get to having real understanding of the struggles we go through. The struggle is real! Take care of yourself as much as you can. Wishing you the best!
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Blainejennifer,
My goodness, when it rains, it pours doesn't it. I'm so sorry that you have had such a horrible week. As far as your mother, I am so sorry for your loss. I agree with others that no matter her age or circumstance she was still your mom and that is a very devastating loss. It sounds like your sister has her own issues but irregardless that was very disrespectful to not tell of your mom's passing. Unfortunately that time is gone and no one can change that. Take time to grieve, reflect on good memories of your mom. You know in your heart that under the circumstances you did the best you could so no reason for any feelings of guilt.
I am fortunate enough that my kids are over those teenage years. God bless everyone that is dealing with teenagers plus MBC. I really don't know how you do it. When mine was teenagers they just about drove me crazy. But the good news is, they do grow up and most of the time they grow up to be very respectful adults. I couldn't be more proud of mine now and those trying teenage years are just a distant memory. Probably time to show some tough love, try to find out what the problem is, and let him know that if you are footing the bill this is what you expect. Remember this too shall pass.
I really hate you had to visit the ED. Ulcerative colitis? That is usually brought on by nerves, try not to let everything get to you. I know easier said than done. I hope the antibiotics are already helping the situation.
And if you haven't had enough thrown at you, let's talk significant progression. Geeez. I know what you mean by using up all of your options, I'm right there with you and I just flew right through them. My MO said that my cancer just laughs at chemo. I sure am glad someone finds it humorous. But I agree with others, there's always hope. Try to keep your chin up and believe he will find the right drug to turn the situation around.
Sometimes it's hard not to think, would my family not be better if I was gone. But I can assure you, your family loves you very much and they are more than willing to do whatever it takes to keep you here. My DH and I have had this conversation a few times. Of course, my DH likes to live in the land of DeNile most of the time. He has assured me that he would give up everything he has if he could just keep me here. I'm sure yours and everyone else's feels the same. Yes, our families will recover, that is what human nature is about, but their life will be changed forever. It won't be for the better or the way they wanted it. So keep fighting girl, they want you here.
You asked how others keep going. I think you answered that yourself after you asked. At least that is why I keep fighting. My family means the world to me, I want every second I can squeeze out with them. I feel bad for my DH too. I don't know how he does it. He also has to show up for work with a smile like everything in his life is great. When in reality he is dealing with my problems, me calling saying I just can't do this or that. His response of don't worry I'll take care of it. We have a 26yo that has Down syndrome, he is wonderful with her, but I'm sure he's worried about how he is going to work and take care of her when I'm no longer here. We have a rental house that he has to keep up plus deal with the renters.Plus we have a place at the beach that he is totally renovating. I honestly think he has more stress than I do. I figure if he can keep fighting, surely I can.
I am praying for you, just like I pray for everyone else on this forum. Rather you believe or not doesn't effect that.
I do think talking to a therapist is a good idea. Sometimes there are so many things going on that we feel like we are drowning. Therapist can help sort the issues out so it's not so overwhelming. Be kind to yourself, you have had a really bad week. We are all standing by your side, pull your strength from others. Praying that today is the start of a much better week
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Blaine Jennifer- so many people have said such wonderfully supportive wise things already. And i hope somehow you are feeling better today.
No one ever knows all the details and the loss of a mother no matter the circumstances is primal and hard and sad. I would thank your sister for her care over the years and let her know how grateful you are that she could do it when you couldn’t. All caregivers need this. She may open up more about her delay in telling you.
While i was on chemo and so sick, my mother got metastatic esophageal cancer and my older sister moved in with her and took care of her. Years later i heard some of the super hard days she decided not to share with me at the time- she felt i had enough on my plate- and maybe i did- but, she had a lot of pain i didn’t know about for years.
Some people say the right thing at the right time and sometimes those people are therapists-i hope you find that person. Your family does not want to lose you! Perspective is off when you feel as sick as you do right now.
Lastly DS and ADHD- my DD1 has it also and struggled mightily when she went away to college. We kept her on a pretty structured rope at home and turored her in all subjects. Let’s just say she took a crooked path to success-but, she is a kindergarten teacher now.
Thinking of you and sending hugs.
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Blainejennifer - It takes some guts to admit you are in this space. Sounds as if you have been hanging tough for a long time.Our treatment paths look similar. Its a long road.
I have a disabled daughter. 19. She keep
s me going. Its hard some days, but she needs my guidance. Sounds as if you son needs you too.
Your DD is a success story. You got her through college and on to a career of helping other children. How wonderful for her.
I think your son just needs to find his passion. What are his interests?
i'm so sorry about your Mom. You are dealing with a lot right now. Yes - you and your sister may have an opportunity to do some healing together if you talk about her time as a caregiver. She may have important stories to share. Reach out and talk with her. It could be good for both of you.
Bless you. Hang in there. There is a reason to keep going.
-JeeNee
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Blaine Jennifer. How did your appointment go with your MO? I'm interested to know what TX he talked about.
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I'll let you know! He wants to have me do my regularly scheduled CAT scan, as the PET scan from the ER might have been skewed by the active ulcerative colitis. The scan is Monday, and my follow-up appointment is Wednesday.
I'll be feeling mighty radioactive.
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Grannax2,
I had the appointment yesterday. As he suspected, the PET scan was anomalous, partially because of the extreme colitis, and partially because I've been monitored with CAT scans. Comparing the two is like comparing apples to oranges.
Anyway, according to the CAT scan, I'm stable, with areas that might be considered healing even. My TMs are in the low 300s, which concerned me, but he said that the colitis can skew the TMs, and that the scan is the gold standard for determining treatment. I'm one of those ladies that likes to have high TMs. When I was diagnosed, they were 2,800.
How are you holding up?
For those who might have been following my particular soap opera life: I've talked it out with my sister. I still love her though, and we'll get through this. We are planning a memorial for our mother.
DS revealed that he is in love, which explains why he didn't want to come home, and - perhaps - some of his academic nonsense. This is his first time being hit with the love bat, ever. It appears to have rendered him stupid with romance.
The colitis is improving, but kicked off a major gallbladder attack. Intestines are so much fun when they are working.
I am so grateful for everyone's kind words. Honestly, I do not know how I'd get through this without you. For me, this list is a sacred place.
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holy cow! I’m sorry I am just now seeing this post. Very thankful to read your update as well. You have had your hands full with so much pain and uncertainty. And we all know how shitty (!) we feel when we feel shitty...when we are in physical pain, the emotional pain ramps up a couple 100 notches. No wise words. Just sending hugs and positive vibes your way. I hope turkey day was good for you and your family! (((Hugs))
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Blaine Jennifer. What a difference a few days can make. I'm glad you found out what was bothering your DS. Love bug explains it all.
So, confusing test results and TM. I hope the CT is correct. Sounds like it did not show progression. But, a gall bladder attack on top what you've been going through! Sounds like pain and agony. What treatment will you take when you get to feeling better?
My MO treated me for a sinus infection and i am definitely feeling better. The other SE seem to be lessening. So, except for my friend fatigue, I'm ready to focus on family. I hope to get my tree up today and work on other decorating.
My next scan is in January. No scanxiety for December. Yay
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What excellent news about the test results! That is a sweet relief indeed!
As for the ulcerative colitis (UC), perhaps you might consider looking into probiotics if you haven't already done so. Just saw this in Healthline: https://www.healthline.com/health/ulcerative-colitis-take-control-probiotics#5
In the case of UC, an imbalance of bacteria in the large intestine is thought to be the perceived danger that prompts the immune system to respond.
Probiotics may help resolve this problem by providing good bacteria that help restore the bacterial balance in the intestine, eliminating the problem that the immune system is responding to. With the perceived danger gone, the immune system may soften or stop its attack.
Pros
Probiotics may help increase the time between flare-ups and may make the symptoms of a flare-up less severe. Also, probiotics are likely less expensive than typical UC medications, and they may be safer over long periods.
Probiotics may also protect against other bowel problems such as Clostridium difficile colitis and travelers' diarrhea.
Cons
That's a lot of benefits, but there are a few cons of using probiotics with UC. The main one is that they're probably not useful in causing a faster remission during a flare-up of UC.
Another con is that certain people should use them cautiously. Probiotics contain living bacteria, so they may increase infection risk in people with compromised immune systems (such as those taking long-term or high-dose corticosteroids). This is because a weakened immune system might not be able to keep the live bacteria in check, and an infection may result.
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You are so clever! I have been doing the probiotics. Normally, I think they are not necessary, if you are eating a lot of good prebiotic foods, but I haven't been able to. So, on to the tablets. I've also been drinking some Kombucha. It seems to be helping, as i don't feel like my innards are going to explode.
I grew up with cattle, and they can get in real trouble with gas (bloat). So my Dad would take a trocar, and just plunge that thing into their tummies, and the gas would come hissing out. That's what I felt I needed.
I will keep taking them for as long as necessary. I'm using Jarrow, as they seem the least suspect of the commercially available tablets. I've never had colitis before - it really hurts.
Those of us in Cancerland need to pay attention to our gut biomes. I believe that our digestive system is an important part of immune system function, and various chemotherapies might mess about with the biome.
Thanks again for your good advice.
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Jennifer, I'm in a similar boat in that I have gastritis (not caused by h-pylori bacteria) and GERD, which were diagnosed via endoscopy. The discomfort lands me on my back several times a day despite being on Prilosec (which I was reluctant to take but desperate enough to try after 3 doctors, including 2 GIs, advised me to take it). I'm also taking Vitamin U spray, probiotics, follow a gastritis diet (except for a sinful daily small shot of espresso), but haven't had much relief since Sept. when it started under stressful circumstances. If I was truly clever I would be feeling a lot better by now!
I hope we both manage to Get Out Guts in Order very soon!
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BB -
It hurts a lot more than I had thought it should! I am acutely aware of where my intestines are.
I'm keeping to what my spouse calls "the old British man with no teeth" diet, except it is gluten-free, dairy-free, and fun-free. Like you, I've added in Tagamet and probiotics.
Here's to us calming our guts, and being able to eat without dread. I must be a committed fat person, because I haven't really lost much weight.
Wish I could do the stealth espresso, but the last time I tried coffee, I had to spend most of the day otherwise engaged. Life without caffeine continues to be a struggle. The urge to doze is strong.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
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blsinejennifer, it sounds like you have your hands full so let me tell you a few things I learned the hard way in life. When my youngest child went to college I assumed he would do awesome like his other siblings. He was an honors student with AP credits starting out. Instead of attending classes and doing homework he got into the habit of hitting the party life. I found out at the end of the first semester and was furious! I made him move back home and go to a community college and once he finished 2 associate degrees he is a semester away from finishing college. Apparently the counselors at the school said it happens to lots of kids during the first semester, if you can get them back on track the second semester he should be ok. Sometimes you have to make them change scools even if they don't like it.
I detest having to go to the ER or being put in the hospital but on the bright side they found the problem and you are on your way back to normal bowel issues. I am sure you onc would not treat you until the collitis is better under control a d your body could probably use a break. As for your tx options, I used to have a list of how many different things you can try so I doubt you are nearing the end. Although when I was on navelbine I thought I was hitting that point. I ended up hospitalized almost every other tx cycle because it beat up my white counts so bad. So try to look for the positive, it will help you work through everything.
As for your family not telling you about your mom is so far beyond wrong! I really have no words for that but my personal belief there is a God and he has her in his loving hands. I will pray for her and I hope you can take comfort in knowing she is finally at rest and her disease is no longer plaguing you.
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LuAnn,
Thank you for your words of wisdom. DS and I have had loooong talks about what expectations are next semester. Hopefully, his beloved will do well (yes, he fell in love with a person who was not academically motivated - heavy sigh), and they will be inspired to get with the program for continued proximity, if nothing else. I've just got the one kid, and can't imagine how parents survive two or more.
As you conjectured, I'm off chemo till tomorrow. I've never had a chemo break before, and was hoping to feel great. Husband brought home an interesting virus for Thanksgiving, so cue the sad trombone.
My sister and I have repaired the breach. It's just too hard to hate her, and isn't what mother would have wanted anyway. What's good is that our mother didn't die of a disease; she just wore out and faded away. She stopped eating and drinking and slowly left this world.
I hope to match your track record, in parenting and cancer longevity!
-
So glad that you and your sister have re-established good communication! It'll do your spirit (and your health as well) a bit of good!
Loved your husband's quip about the "old British man with no teeth" diet! Just before I wrote this, the term, "Gutzilla" came to mind!
Hoping your tx tomorrow goes smoothly!
-
Blainejennifer,
Just saw this strand -- glad things are feeling a bit better! I really appreciate that you shared your journey.
Sending warm blessings and peace (especially to your gut!)
Kimberly
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