How do you handle answering questions about cancer?

Options
How do you handle answering questions about cancer?

Comments

  • Stage2ire
    Stage2ire Member Posts: 82
    edited November 2017

    im 4 months down the cancer road. Mastectomy done, chemo started. I've had wound infections, long chemo delays, I've cried so much, prayed to god I see my kids grow up. I've had cording, bone pain, nausea, my hair came out in my hands. I feel fear every day.

    But when people ask how I am, especially in the early days I went into super positive fight mode. I don't cry in front of people. As I go further down the road I still try present a positive front, I smile, I joke, I do as much as I can. But if people ask about drugs, side effects etc I tell them the truth. I tell them about bone pain, nausea etc. I don't pink wash anymore. I tell friends there is no guarantee I'll be cured. I tell them hormone therapy will also have aide effects. I don't whine, I just say it because its fact, same way I'd say water is wet. But sometimes I feel people don't want to know, they want me to say its OK, no problem, I'm kicking its ass etc

    I feel very lonely. I was just starting to make friends in our town and their lives continue on while mine feels derailed. I meet them sometimes or have contact but I feel separate from them. I don't belong

    How do you communicate with people? Does anyone else feel on the outside. Im39 with 2 kids under 5. I just don't fit inhere anymore

  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited November 2017

    When I was dxd it seemed surreal that everyone's lives could just keep going on while mine crashed around me. And speaking of crashing I had no idea that the time we are most at risk for PTSD is after active treatment ends. You have been through so much. Your treatment would bring most to their knees.

    BCO was a lifeline. Sometimes it was quite scary. Still people here understood. The godsend for me was meeting weekly with a counselor from my church. That was the only time I wasn't trying to fake it, trying shield and protect my husband and my kids. I hope you can find someone to talk to in person. It helps a lot. Is there a local support group you could attend?

    You are not alone. We have been there and understand. I tell you, anti anxiety meds and an anti depressant were a necessity for me. It took me a long time to crawl out of the dark well.

    Hang tight to those babies. They will be your best medicine. Private message me anytime. Xoxo

  • gb2115
    gb2115 Member Posts: 1,894
    edited November 2017

    I tell people that life isn't puppies and rainbows, but I am hanging in there. It's the truth.

  • ruthbru
    ruthbru Member Posts: 57,235
    edited November 2017

    I always said "I'm hanging in there" and then I would ask them questions about their lives. Most people like to talk about themselves and aren't comfortable hearing the details of anyone else's medical situation (be it cancer, or any other serious problem). Save that for the few close friends who sincerely do want to know, and for here (or at other support groups) with people who really DO get it.

  • mkn86
    mkn86 Member Posts: 250
    edited November 2017

    Some days i feel more isolated than most too. i've looked at so many threads. and on three pieces of information alone, i lose more people i have in common with. even in this community.

    i'm 31, TNBC, and no family of my own.

    and that makes treatment incredibly hard. apart from having to explain to everyone around me who doesn't have cancer. It feels very isolating and lonely sometimes.

  • VL22
    VL22 Member Posts: 851
    edited November 2017

    mkn86 - it must be so incredibly hard to get through this without family. And I can completely relate to the TN making this journey so frightening and a hard fight. I just tell people, even some close to me, that my tumor was aggressive. I'm already terrified - the laast thing i need to do is make others pity me more.

    My best advice with TN is to just stop goggling. It's hard, but you can get caught up in that nonsense for way too long. And why do it? It changes nothing about your life. I know easier said than done, but just truly try to find joy in the day. I'm fighting with you. Hugs.

  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited November 2017

    I'm sorry you are so lonely... Sometimes I feel like I'm on the outside - looking in - at others who are near my age or older - but - have decades of life ahead of them. I'm not sure I will make it to 55 or 60. And, am always scared (like my user name haha).

    I've tried to tell as few of people as possible...because I can't stand the pity - it only makes me worse!! Making conversation with people who didn't know about my BC helps me feel normal - even if its just small talk...

    I was a little annoyed with my MIL - as she wanted to tell all of DH's side of the family. Because "people want to know...so they can help..."

    No I DON'T want people "to know". Its my health and my damn business. There are privacy laws (HIPPA) that the medical folks are required follow and I just expect some common courtesy and common sense from others, not to blab what I consider to be highly private and personal.

    I am a private person and don't want my BC be the subject for gossip.

    Devil

  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited November 2017

    Cancer is one lonely road and everyone is so different. Some people love privacy and don't want to say anything, while others want to tell it all.

    I was a tell it all kind of cancer patient. After months of trying to figure how to respond to that inevitable statement, "You look great" I came up with this because

    I hated that line more than anything. So after some practice, I responded, "Yes, I look great, but would you like to know how I feel?"

    And the answer to my question shocked me. Some people actually said, "no" which clearly defined where they stood in my life.

    The question I always appreciated, was from my former boss, who I ran into at the post office. I was in the midst of chemo and he said to me,

    "Tell me what happens during chemo infusion and what it is like." No one had ever asked me that before, and truly he was interested. It proved to be

    providential, because just a short time later, his only daughter who was in her 30s was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer.


  • Stage2ire
    Stage2ire Member Posts: 82
    edited November 2017

    Thanks so much for all the replies. Its an awful disease isn't it. We are all fighting as best we can. Mkn, I'm so sorry you are alone. I hope we can all help you through it in some way. Starting to post on these boards has really helped me

    I just reread my original post. I've been having an emotional day today, post chemo slump. I don't tell everyone about side effects etc. Most people I laugh, chat, talk about other stuff to and I put on the brave face. I more meant close friends. None of them live nearby so it tends to be all text communication. I guess I feel lonely. I'm lucky though, I do have a couple of friends who don't flinch when I give them the honest version. I had pretty bad anxiety/pnd that I was really just recovering from then wham, breast cancer.

    Somedays are harder than others. I'm grateful I found this forum, its a place where people understand.

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited November 2017

    I think they definitely don’t want to know - at least not anything negative. My godsend was a friend who is a RN at St. Jude Hospital. Who would know better than herabout cancer plus she had BC too.

    I kept my game face on too esp around my DH and DS. My SIL and sister both had BC as well. My sister is real close to the best but my SIL is the town crier. I’m somewhere in between.

    I relied on my patient advocate and support group at church as well.

    Some people think we have leprosy or are contagious. I understand they are afraid especially when it hits close to home.

    I’m sorry you are lonely too but you are not alone. We are all here to help.

    Diane

  • KleeKai
    KleeKai Member Posts: 29
    edited March 2018

    I once joked with a friend and co-worker that if anything happened to me, there wouldn't be a person in the building who wouldn't know about it!  I live alone so I need all the support I can get.  When breast cancer did roll into my life, yes, I did let people know.  I didn't do a wig - I wore hats.  Several months after I finished cancer treatment, with my hair growing back, I was in a meeting.  At the end of the meeting, someone asked how I was doing and I mentioned I was thinking of letting the hats go.  They all told me to take off the hat and let's see!  My co-workers were all supportive of me.  Some days, being brave is difficult but keep looking up.  

    Is there a breast cancer group in your area?  If not, does your hospital have a support group you can join, or a counselor you can talk to?  Sometimes, it's helpful just to talk to someone who'll listen.  My friends and co-workers were there for me.  They made me laugh and helped me roll with the ups and downs.

    Take care!  


Categories