32 and terrified
Hi all.
I've been spending entirely too much time Googling since I found the jellybean, and the doctors have told me absolutely nothing so far, so I could use a little support.
I'm 32, no personal history of health issues and only one cousin on my dad's side with a breast cancer diagnosis (she was in her early 40s, no lump, now cancer-free after treatment). No kids, no pregnancies, no previous breast issues.
In late August, during a very stressful time (family emergency), I noticed a lump in my right breast. Upper right side, between 9 and 12, not tender, felt rubbery and slid around under my fingers. No visible signs of it, but I could feel it.
I was out of town for the aforementioned family emergency, so I tried not to panic and decided to deal with it once I was home and able to go to the doctor.
Fast forward a few weeks, after I get back home and after my next period just to see if that would change anything, and I go to the doctor to ask about it. She feels it, and immediately says, "I want you to have an ultrasound, and a mammogram just to be thorough." That's all she says, nothing more. Cue panic.
I get the requisitions and call the radiology clinic, but they don't book mammograms for women under 35, so I book the ultrasound only. It takes three weeks for the appointment.
(I had another period in between then, and the lump did get smaller and less noticeable. Still no other symptoms, just the lump, though now that I'm close to my period again, I think the area around the lump feels a little thicker, which I can only feel when I'm lying on my back. I'd say it's a little tender now, too, but I think that's because I keep prodding it.)
So I go in, get the ultrasound. The tech makes a lot of concerned faces, which frightens me, then leaves to talk to the radiologist. She comes back and says the doctor wants a mammogram and we can do that right now.
We do the mammogram (which is very uncomfortable, I'm small-chested and she wasn't gentle getting me set up at the machine, plus she had a hard time finding the lump because it moves), and she goes to talk to the radiologist again while I stand there in the exam room, alone and trembling with fear.
She comes back, says very abruptly, "The doctor wants you to have a biopsy, book it at the front desk." Then she steers me back to the reception area and leaves me with the receptionist to book the appointment. Earliest one they can give me is 3 weeks away. I'm on the verge of tears, but the receptionist can't give me anything earlier than that.
And that's all the info I have. They told me nothing else, I didn't see a doctor, nobody stuck around to answer my questions, nobody told me a single thing about what they found or didn't find, I don't know if the biopsy is to confirm cancer or rule it out, they essentially pushed me out the door to wait three more weeks for more tests.
I'm still waiting for my GP's office to call to follow up, they'll do that once they have the scan results (they should have them any day now), and maybe then I can get some more information, and maybe see if I can get a referral for an earlier biopsy appointment at a different radiology clinic. Three weeks seems an awfully long time to have to wait to get a test to find out if you have cancer.
In the meantime, I'm terrified, I'm anxious, I'm crying most of the time, I'm not sleeping well, and I'm in a constant state of panic while I wait. I don't know what to do, and I'm sure, in my heart of hearts, that it's cancer. Everything in my life is so difficult right now, work, family, finances, it's been a very tough year in every way, it would be just my luck that I would end up with cancer at this time, too.
I don't know what to do, I don't know how to cope, and I sure could use some words of wisdom.
Comments
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((Hugs)) I'm sorry your clinic personnel didn't communicate very well with you. I'm also sorry that it's taking awhile to get some answers. Does the radiology clinic have an online portal? Sometimes, you can find your scan results posted there. Also, on Monday, you can request a copy of your mammogram and ultrasound records. They are YOUR records, and you have a right to them!
Yes, definitely see if you can get your biopsy appointment moved up. In the meantime, you might ask your GP for a referral to a counselor or perhaps, ask for a prescription for antianxiety drugs (Ativan, Xanas, etc).
Do you have any hobbies? A closet that needs cleaning? A subscription to Netflix? I would advise you to just try to keep busy and not to dwell to much on cancer.
Best wishes!
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In my incessant, panicky Googling, I actually looked up the radiology clinic I was sent to, and I'm not the only one with these complaints about them, long wait times, poor bedside manner, rude staff, I guess it's just the way they run things there, not that that's any excuse to treat vulnerable people that way.
(No online portal to access test results, though, guess I'll just have to get them the old-fashioned way.)
The imaging tests were just a few days ago, so I expect my GP's clinic to call on Monday or Tuesday to follow up, and hopefully I'll be able to get more information then. I feel like I'm going into this completely blind because they didn't tell me anything after the scans, and that's the hardest part, I have NO idea what I'm dealing with and how bad it might be (or if there's any chance that it's NOT bad), so naturally, I'm expecting the absolute worst. My anxiety may eat me alive.
It's just been such a tough year, absolutely everything has been a struggle, so much has gone wrong these past few months, and now I feel like life is kicking me when I'm down. I'm trying to stay distracted and busy, but it's hard, this is playing on my mind so much, it's the last thing I think about before I fall asleep at night and the first thing I think about when I wake up in the morning. I keep worrying about the diagnosis, the treatment, how I'd support myself if I couldn't work - I feel like I'm on the verge of losing everything that I've worked so hard for, you know?? Finally getting on my feet in my life, and now this?? If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.
It doesn't help that I don't have a support system here - my family and friends are all across the country, so there's nobody that I can really count on to help me here. I talk to my best friend regularly, she's far away but she's wonderful and supportive (and also recommends Ativan for the anxiety!), and she's aware of what's happening with me right now, but otherwise, I'm dealing with this on my own and it's really tough. I can't even bring myself to tell my mom without an actual diagnosis, she'd be frantic with worry (made worse by the fact that she's 3000 miles away) and I can't do that to her until I know for sure that there's something to worry about.
I wish I had time for hobbies, I work close to 60hrs a week (with 2 hours of commuting each day) at a very stressful job, so I rarely have time to do fun things just for me (never mind having no money for hobbies anyway). I guess I'll just have to cozy up with Netflix more often, find a new series to binge, something to keep me from crying my eyes out every other minute.
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Yes, life can seem unfair. I got my diagnosis the same year that one of my sons experienced a psychological crisis and became violent (he has autism). I just couldn't believe that my life became a crap sandwich so quickly!
Take things one step at a time! There's no sense worrying about treatment or how to pay for it until you have a diagnosis.
I'm sorry that your job is so stressful; my job actually helped keep my mind off cancer and treatment. (I worked through chemo and radiation.) Yes, definitely find a Netflix series to binge on!
((Hugs)) and keep us up to date on how things are going.
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I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time. It is very easy to say and not as easy to do - try to breathe and slow down. The worst part of any of this is the waiting. I have many friends who got to the biopsy step and did NOT have cancer. there is just no way to know right now. Based on what you said about the place you went - maybe go somewhere else for a second opinion. You need to have a place that you are comfortable with - whether this ends of being cancer or not. Definitely call and push for answers on Monday. Try not to panic. One breath at a time. try to spend the rest of the weekend doing something fun for yourself - something you would enjoy. Go for a walk - make yourself look around and appreciate the sun and the weather.
Two pieces of advice that I hope will help - talk to people. I know you said you don't want to worry your mom but wouldn't she want to be there for you during this tough time - to listen and reassure you. I too didn't want to tell anyone when I was going for my repeat Mammogram or my biopsy - only my husband and myself knew. It made it harder for me to act like everything was ok - it wasn't. Once I told people, it gave me some form of relief. Second - use these discussion boards - they have helped me so much from the beginning and still help me with anything I am going through! So many strong and supportive people are on here - listening, reassuring, sending love and I have always been able to find others in the same condition I was in and it always helped so I never have felt alone!!
Hang in there! One breath at a time....
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Had the biopsy today, finally. The doctor apologised for the long wait, though that didn't make it any better.
He told me that the reason for the biopsy is that the scans showed some irregularities, and the only way to know for sure what's going on is to biopsy the tissue. He didn't say what kind of irregularities are present or if they're significant or not, just that they were there and suspicious, and I was in no condition to ask more questions beyond that.
He didn't give any indications as to whether he thought it was cancer, he just commented that I'm really young for this and said that the chances of it being cancer are probably 5-50%. I'm really hoping for it to be closer to 5% than 50.
He asked if I'd noticed any changes since I first found the lump, and I told him how the only changes are during my period, when it plumps up a bit and gets a bit tender (and then it goes back to its previous size after my period). He said that fibroadenomas tend to do that, so it could possibly be that, but he was noncommittal about it, he didn't say that's what it is, just that it could be that.
He took three samples, said they were good, and didn't put in a marker (he said there was no need for it). The whole thing took about 10 minutes, didn't hurt a bit aside from the sting from the lidocaine injection, and he was very nice when I cried.
He told me that the results would be sent to my GP next week, and to try not to stress too much because there are a number of things it could be besides cancer (and he made another comment about how young I am - he's probably in his 30s also, but I guess he's not used to women my age needing biopsies, and now I'm terrified that he DOES believe that it's cancer and he's surprised by it because of my age).
He also told me that if it IS cancer, there are very good treatment options available. I cried again, then.
I've been a mess the past couple of days leading up to this, and will likely be a mess while I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall. It's very hard to focus at work, ugh.
I'm dreading the results, and more than that, I'm dreading having to call my mom next week and tell her, a month before Christmas, when she's already got enough on her plate and her own health issues to deal with, that I have cancer. That's the worst part of this whole thing, having to tell my mom, all the way on the other side of the country.
I'm currently accepting any and all benign thoughts, wishes and vibes.
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Hello! I wanted to share with you that I went through a biopsy last week, had many of the same feelings and emotions as you. I felt like my life was on hold...it kind of was. I got B9 results yesterday morning. I am hoping the same for yoy
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Sending all the good thoughts, wishes and vibes possible to you! It is quite possibly benign, so focus on that. And as others have said, insist on getting copies of all of the reports. Like you I have a consuming job, but boy, being organized and a good researcher helps when you have a health issue! You will get through this and we are here for you.
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Thank you, Wigging2000 - so glad to hear you got benign results, and hoping mine are also benign.
My entire existence IS on hold now, I can't bear to make plans knowing that in a week's time, I may have a diagnosis that forces me to cancel everything. I can't make holiday plans, I haven't picked up tickets to my favourite seasonal event because I'm too afraid I won't be able to go, my boss just offered me a contract extension that I hesitate to sign because it's for next year, and I don't know if I'll even be around then, I feel frozen. I'm regretting the tickets that I bought for a hockey game in February, now that I might be too sick to go (and I was so looking forward to it, I lucked into some really great seats for once). I've been frantic to get my Christmas shopping done NOW because after next week, I probably won't be able to do it (or much of anything), and it's my favourite thing to do. I'm in full-on panic mode and it's awful.
Even the doctor today, making small talk while he was prepping for the biopsy, asked if I had any fun travel plans coming up (his previous patient had mentioned an exotic trip, he said), and all I could think was, I probably have cancer, how can I plan a vacation?! How can I have any plans for the future right now??
I've jumped to every possible worst conclusion, I'm overanalyzing every word the doctor said today and trying to figure out if he thinks it looks like cancer, and my anxiety is eating me alive even without the test results, I don't know how I'm going to handle an actual cancer diagnosis. *sigh*
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OK, it's been a week since the biopsy, so the results should be in any time now. The doctor told me specifically to make an appointment to get them this week between Tuesday and Friday. The clinic will call any time now and tell me the results are in and to come in for a follow-up.
I did pretty good last week (after the initial panic) of not thinking about it. It helps that I was also distracted by a kidney stone (never rains but it pours, right??), which is now sorted out. But now, I'm laser-focused on the lump again, and back to near-panic about the impending results. My heart faces every time the phone rings.
(The lump swelled up after the biopsy, but once the discomfort subsided and it healed up a bit, the lump went back down, and it's smallish again now, since I'm between periods. It'll plump up again when my period comes at the end of next week, that's how it behaves.)
I'm trying to focus on the positives, the numbers that are in my favour - 80% of biopsies are negative for cancer, breast cancer in your 30s isn't terribly common, the doctor said 5-50% of cancer which means 50-95% chance that it isn't - but it's so hard, I keep imagining the worst.
If anyone has some spare good vibes to send along for a benign diagnosis, I'd be appreciative. All I can think is, Christmas is a month from Saturday, it's my favourite time of the year, of course this would be the time to get a cancer diagnosis, with my awful luck.
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Okay AnxietyGirl, you need to stop and take a deep breath. Now take one more and hold it. Okay, now slowly let it out. Focus on what you know to be true: "the numbers that are in my favour - 80% of biopsies are negative for cancer, breast cancer in your 30s isn't terribly common, the doctor said 5-50% of cancer which means 50-95% chance that it isn't" NOT what you fear. When you start to go down that 'what if' rabbit hole, stop yourself and focus on what you know. Keep yourself busy with Thanksgiving festivities, bake or cook something that requires your full attention. Deep clean something. Go for a long walk. You'll get your results soon and then you can respond to something real, not something imagined/feared. Your anxiety today won't change those results, so it doesn't help you at all. Please do try to let it go.
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It's cancer. Invasive ductal carcinoma. I have no more details than that.
My GP is putting through an urgent referral today for a surgeon and oncologist, I'm hoping to get a call later today with an appointment.
My head is spinning. I don't know what to do.
How do I tell my mom??
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Anxiety girl, first breath. BC is not a death sentence. There are women and men on this board with stages 0-IV and life goes on. It is normal to feel overwhelmed, but remember there are so many treatments for BC. The next weeks and months you will be busy learning more about the type of BC you have (they will check receptors etc...) and design a plan of action. We will be here for you to answer your questions and cheer you on. You will be okay! Try not to let anxiety take over. Talk to your doctor about anxiety meds if needed. Do you know the bible verse (or song 'There is a season turn')? Think of this time as a time to heal. There is nothing wrong with being sick and healing. It's a part of life. Hugs to you and sending good vibes your way.
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How do you tell your mom? That's a really tough question. You need someone to hold you and love you, let you cry and tell you everything will be fine. That's what moms do. But on the other hand, it'll be easier on her if you have all the details first, like what it is and what the treatment plan is.
Is there someone you can take with you to your surgeons appointment? You need someone there who can write down what the dr tells you. Having all the info written down will make it easier for you too, so you know exactly what you are dealing with and your mind can't wander to scary places.
You said your GP is setting up appointments with a surgeon and oncologist. Are the breast cancer specialists? If you don't know, find out. This is the time to advocate for yourself. General surgeons are fine, specialists are better.
Your GP probably has more details about the pathology - what grade is it, is it ER/PR positive or negative, is it Her2 positive or negative. Do they have an estimated size? You have a right to this information. Just call and ask for it. Knowledge is power. Get all the info you can so you can make informed decisions and take control of what's happening, not letting it control you
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AnxGirl, - I am soooo sorry that you are dealing with this, - but you WILL be ok! Take this one step at a time. Once you have a plan you will feel better.
My daughter's friend, also 32, was diagnosed earlier this year. She went through chemo, using cold caps to keep her hair, and just completed her final reconstruction procedure. Other than a few days here and there, she worked, hiked, and went out with friends through it all. She is single and lives alone, but had friends and family help to drive and shop, etc, at times. I am sure she would be happy to message with you if you are interested.
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Oh AnxietyGirl, I am so sorry that you've gotten a bc diagnosis. It sucks. You absolutely have support here. My thoughts are with you.
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