My daughter just left and I’m heartbroken

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Iwillwinthisbattle
Iwillwinthisbattle Member Posts: 1,076
edited November 2017 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

My daughter just turned 18 and has decided she doesn’t want to live at home any more. She has decided to drop out of high school and is living with various friends. She has no job, no money and is smoking pot. She tells me she loves me and that I shouldn’t worry about her, but I am devastated. With the recent recurrence and now this, I don’t know how to cope with it all. When does enough become enough? I can’t stop crying.

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited November 2017

    I wish I had some sage advice or soothing remedy for you. Please know that I feel for you, having survived two dd's who gave me a run for my money when they were teens. Lots of love, patience and deep breathing may help get you through. Take care.

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  • Heidihill
    Heidihill Member Posts: 5,476
    edited November 2017

    I am sorry to hear this. It's hard to know what to do with teenagers. We had a rough patch with DD last spring and it really helped that she called a hotline for teenagers run by the city and a non-profit. They actually encouraged her to stay with friends temporarily to defuse the situation at home and get her bearings. She also talked with teachers and the principal who were all very supportive. She decided to stay home and bear with us  Loopy and will be 18 next month. It's important to keep all lines of communication open and get your daughter as much support from trusted adults as she can get.

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited November 2017

    I'm not a parent and have no useful advice. But I can offer hugs! Many hugs.

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  • Iwillwinthisbattle
    Iwillwinthisbattle Member Posts: 1,076
    edited November 2017

    Thanks so much ladies. Oh hiow I wish there was a parent handbook somewhere. It a so hard not to let your mind go to dark places, but I’m trying to stay positive.

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited November 2017

    battle- all I can offer is "Ugghh...teenagers"

    I'm pretty sure their job description is to drive us crazy and make us worry, and wonder why they don't want better for themselves.

    Hope things turn around.

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited November 2017

    Yes, I have to say all 3 of mine gave me headaches at one time or another. I think once she sees what it is like to live with a bunch of other teens she may change her mind. Please know that for the most part they do mature and grow out of a lot of that even the pot smoking.....try not to let yourself stress out too much. You have more important things to focus on.

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited November 2017

    Iwillwin, I am sorry for the trouble with your daughter. I had a son and did not go thru this with him. However, when I myself was 19, I took off with a boyfriend (who was bad news, and my mom knew it, tho I certainly didnt't see it) and moved from Ohio to California. This was back in the 70s when most couples did not live together before marriage! So it was a bit scandalous. I was noway going to listen to my mother. I had to break free from her. I called my mom once a month (long distance was so expensive then) when I was in CA, but I was out trying to find my own wayin the world. I had absolutely no idea what it was putting her thru. The boyfriend lasted about a year and I moved back home and it took awhile to get my life turned around.

    Of course, I regret every single moment I was ever mean, disrespectful or behaved horribly towards my mother....adulthood, maturity (and becoming a mom myself) will do that to you! We had a complicated relationship but I always loved her. I just wanted my own life.

    Try to find some distractions so you are not too stressed about her. She will have tofigure life out on her own terms. Keep the lines of communication open as best as you can, but don't allow her to walk all over you or be mean to you. Best wishes to both of you.

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  • ReginaZ
    ReginaZ Member Posts: 41
    edited November 2017

    Sorry you're going through this. As a Mom of 3 former teenagers, now 30, 32, and 34, all I can say is, "this too shall pass". At the time, dropping out of high school and, in my daughter's case, a teen pregnancy, really felt like the end of the world. But somehow, we all survived and all are doing well today. It's really hard watching your kids make mistakes, but all you can do is love them (sometime's it takes tough love.) Focus on taking care of yourself and trust that kids do eventually grow up and things will work out.

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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited November 2017

    I wish I could reach out and give you a hug. No words of wisdom - you've received some helpful input!

    As long as your daughter realizes that she can come home any time and that the lines of communication are open, there is good reason to believe that she eventually will return.

    Please focus on taking the best possible care of yourself - which also means being kind to yourself.

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited November 2017

    I will win, my thoughts and prayers go out to you. I'm not sure why girls tend to do these things more than boys but they do. I think it's more about hormonal levels in mother and daughter. They love each other intensely but there is always a struggle battle going on between the 2. My daughter surprised us to death when she was close to being 19. She decided too that she didn't need us for anything anymore. I will never forget the night she left. I thought my heart was going to rip out of my chest. It did take awhile for everything towork itself out, but I will assure you it typically does. Now she is married, gave me my first grandchild, and lives one street down from me in my neighborhood. I hope your outcome is just as positive. Keeping you in my prayers, that she stays safe and comes back to you soon

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  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited November 2017

    As you can see, many of us have been there with you. Hopefully it will turn around and work out eventually for good. Our daughter has 2 serious DUI convictions...but is now going to graduate from college in December. She is 28 and now will have school loans to pay off because we had to tough love cut off the money train for flunking classes, but by the grace she has turned around. I hope all of our stories have given you a little hope

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited November 2017

    Iwillwin, your post spoke to me because Daughter and I have had such struggles! When she did move out, even though it was time, even though she had to go or we were going to kill each other, I have never felt more miserable. My whole body hurt and I resented every beat of my heart. I felt that my stupid heart had done its job long enough and if spending all those years raising a kid was rewarded with pain so bad I prayed for death... well to hell with that! It was a black, bleak, agonizing time. Our parting was not on good terms. It was a ripping and tearing, hurt and anger and ugly, ugly words. I know your pain. Many of us do. When our kids close that door because what's on the other side is better and they want more and we are just chains around their necks. Yup. That hurts.

    But it's also kind of true. In that time I reflected and learned some things. I needed to shut up more (still working on that one!). That if I solve all my daughter's problems for her, what I'm really doing is stealing her chance to get smarter and wiser. If I swoop in and divert every bad outcome, I am harming her. I am keeping her from consequences that might teach her something. It is SO HARD to step back and let the chips fall where they may. But the truth is, that is really all you can do. You can always be a listening ear. A loving heart. You can offer advice if you are asked. But if not... stand back and let the learning begin. Oh, you will have to bite your tongue until it bleeds and you will lay awake at night with stomach pain and anxiety. It is so hard to release our kids into this fickle and random universe, isn't it?

    I hope that she will hear your voice. Not through the phone, but in her own head and heart. That the lessons and values you gave her will rise to the surface, probably when she least wants to hear them! Ugh, she will try to escape The Mother In Her Head! I hope that in time she realizes that everything you tried to teach her was because you love her and want a good life for her. Our kids can make some pretty big mistakes, but that doesn't mean they can't be good people. Decent citizens. But oh..this is the HARD part of parenting!

    I am wrapping you in a big mom hug. Good energy for you and for the kid too!

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited November 2017

    Well put runor !

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  • ShetlandPony
    ShetlandPony Member Posts: 4,924
    edited November 2017

    Iwillwin, I really feel for you. I have read and re-read the responses with stories about their kids being eventually ok.

    You guys, for me mbc makes parenting a teen/young adult(?) so much more serious and painful. What if I don't live to see my kid a happy and successful adult? How can I leave this world in any kind of peace not knowing if my kid will be ok? I am trying to step back and let life be the teacher and me be an optional source of support, but some choices will have lifelong consequences. My kid is not doing terrible but not doing great. It could go either way. I need to know my kid will be ok! And I don't know that right now. I am so sad and worried about this. My kid's best friend in the world (me) may not be there when most needed. So many tears.

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited November 2017

    Shetlandpony, (hugs)

    I am not stage iv, but boy do I hear you! My son just turned 20, still lives home, works part time, no ambition, no interest in school or training. Not a bad kid, but not promising either.I've tried, oh my goodness how I've tried with this boy, from elementary school on. It's like banging my head on a brick wall.

    I think we have to accept that we've done all we can and now it's in their hands. We can't Make them want success. There is peace in accepting our lack of control over the outcome. If I die and he ends up homeless on the streets, it's not for lack of love or effort on my part. Teach them well and hope that eventually they get it.


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  • Iwillwinthisbattle
    Iwillwinthisbattle Member Posts: 1,076
    edited November 2017

    Ladies I appreciate your advice more than you can know. The families in my community (and all of the ladies I consider good friends) cannot relate to my situation at all. The vast majority head right off to 4 year universities, most with scholarships and a new car to boot. While my friends couldn’t be more supportive, most of them (me, too) are anticipating a “Dateline Exclusive” type of ending. Your stories of positive endings have given me a new perspective! What a wise group of women! Thank you

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  • Peregrinelady
    Peregrinelady Member Posts: 1,019
    edited November 2017
    Just know that teenagers aren't thinking about how this affects you. They are only thinking of themselves (human nature) and won't know the angst they put you through until older. My daughter (in college finally, at 21) sent me a meme yesterday. It said, "Do you ever realize that your mother is a living, breathing angel and you feel really bad about how mean you were to her at 15?" I responded that I have been waiting since she was 15 to hear those words!
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  • Luckynumber47
    Luckynumber47 Member Posts: 397
    edited November 2017

    My daughter gave me a real run for my money. Since my mom died when I was little I had no idea that this mother/daughter conflict was a "thing". She changed from a sweet loving little girl to an argumentative, disrespecting teen at age 12. My life was miserable. If she had been my spouse I would have divorced her in an instant. She hooked up with a boyfriend at age 17 who became abusive and then she quit school 3 weeks before graduation. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and told her that she, and all of her stuff, needed to be out of my house before I returned from my trip. I guess that was the tough love she needed because that was the beginning of her turn around.

    Today she is an amazing mother and has a terrific husband. I still have emotional wounds from the pain she caused all those years but I try to keep the past in the past and be as supportive a mom as I can be.

    Hang in there. It's very gratifying to see our kids grow into loving responsible adults, it's just so hard when they don't take the most direct route to get there.
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  • Iwillwinthisbattle
    Iwillwinthisbattle Member Posts: 1,076
    edited November 2017

    Latest update: she has decided that she will not be going back to school and has moved into a room (no running water, no kitchen) with an abusive exboyfriend. I told her she and her friends were welcome in my home to shower, have some food, rest, etc as long as she was continuing school. Now that she is not, I’ve changed the garage code, locked all windows and doors. Tough love isn’t for the faint of heart.

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  • RonnieKay
    RonnieKay Member Posts: 2,067
    edited November 2017

    I would say the world is a different place since my kids: 43, 41 & 38 were teens, but I'm thinking my parents probably said the same thing in the 70s. I'm hoping it changes drastically, again, by the time my grandkids 10, 9, 7 & 4 are teens...when their parents say the same thing. I send you strength to stay on the path of helping her be accountable...it's hard when you love them so much AND when you think of the possibility of not being able to support or be there for her. Two of my kids always sat back shaking their heads, thinking the middle one was taking us for a ride....which she did...and still sometimes does, but each one has their own personality & that plays into how you deal with them...often for your own sanity. Wow...I'd forgotten just how trying that period was in our lives. That's a good thing...my hope & prayer is you find yourself, years from now, marveling at how well things turned out

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