Not handling this well..

Stage2, you said what I am feeling. I wish I could tell those closest to me my deepest fears, but they are struggling with my diagnosis as it is. Thanks for posting!

fishingal68..yeah its hard alright. I've always been someone people relied on. And I put on a good game face. But some days I'm exhausted from trying to "be positive". Some days mental strength gets me out of bed but there are days the dinner needs cooked, clothes washed etc. People say let me know if you need anything but I think it's just something they say. I have 2 small children (4.5 and 22 months). There are people I only get the occasional message from. Its disappointing. I've done my best to be a physical and emotional support to people in the past and have not received same support. But again it goes back to individuals. Its what they are able to offer, not a reflection on you.

I agree that most people don't know what to do. So if someone asks you, tell them! While I was going through my surgeries, I also had a couple of other awful things happen (one of which was a really bad house fire a few days after my lx). When I complained to my therapist that so many people were asking "what can I do?", she encouraged me to actually make a list. The list ranged from pretty small things to bigger things that would actually feel great to me if someone helped with them. It was awkward to me at first, granted. But when people asked, I said, "well, if you really do want to do something, I have a list". You'd be surprised how many people actually did want to help. They could pick something that suited them, their interests and available time. So many of them seemed grateful to be taken seriously and allowed to help me. Think about how good it feels to help someone you know and/or care about. So we take away someone else's opportunity to feel good and to feel closer to us by not allowing them to help. Just food for thought.

As a mother with three kids, probably one of the biggest helps was having people to traipse them around to their activities. I agree that lots of people really do want to help but don't want to seem pushy or know what to offer. A good friend of mine insisted on creating an online sign up for dinners for the first two weeks after my surgery. That was so awesome!

"What do you all think about gofundmes?"

- my take: If it's a facebook friend and I can clearly see that they go to concerts, eat out, etc.. I'm pretty skeptical. I work my ass off for what I have and still live like I'm poor, though I'm not now. I don't go to concerts, fancy restaurants, or own expensive pets, and I work 60 hours a week with little time off (working tonight on Halloween in fact). I am not going to help someone whose lifestyle is spendy, nor would I help out someone who has made poor life choices to get where they landed - unless they had a course correction in mind (i.e. new career or school) I do contribute when the need is real and great and the person has never asked for money before, but it would have to be a big tragedy (I just helped a family in the death of a father who was a provider for his family).

SWG: I just want to say that from a self care standpoint, I am glad I kept the left breast. After the surgery, I could handle all the ports myself because one side didn't hurt and I had good range of motion.

Also, now I am glad to have one side naturally me. So the crazy biopsy on the left was worth it. It turned out I'm not a good candidate for reconstruction. I dealt with that in July. I'm okay with it now.

swg, that happened to me. When they have to take too much tissue to obtain clean margins, from 2 different quadrants of the breast, my understanding is that it can make for a "poor cosmetic outcome". In my case, with 3 separate areas, they were also wondering if there were tiny areas of dcis in other parts of the breast that were too small to "see". They didn't really give me a choice at that point.

They did! They are a little less symmetrical now, almost 15 years later, but I expect I'll have to get a new implant at some point and will get an 'update' then

SWG - best wishes for a smooth recovery.

So, I'm really not sure if this would be where I express my inner most feelings.  I am about to have a double mastectomy - and even though I should be grateful they caught it early - grateful they are offering this procedure with reconstruction - I am very upset over it all.  I feel like I am losing a part of me to have it replaced with something foreign - something that don't belong - something that I will have no feeling in - I really don't know how to process all of it - all I can do is cry - my surgery is in 18 days - I believe in God - but right now with all of this - I find myself struggling to be thankful - and feel like a complete a$$ because of it

swg- on gofundmes, one of my girlfriends set one up for me because everyone was asking what could they do: send flowers, fruit basket, catered dinner, etc. I was having my surgery out of state at NOLA and everything was moving fast. Flowers are pretty but die, all the fruit would likely not get eaten, etc. so she put the story up-yes we have good insurance but with copays, deductibles, travel, out of work, etc the costs add up. In lieu of flowers, etc please consider donating to the gofundme instead to help with those costs. She set a goal of $5,000 and raised just shy of that amount. All advertised on Facebook. There were people that donated (in my world) a significant amount of money that I never dreamed would donate at all. It’s worth a shot. I’d recommend having a friend/family member with a large Facebook base set it up

Tbrown-yes what you're feeling is 100% normal. It's not fair and it sucks and you have every right to feel the way you do. The only thing I can tell you on this is It will get better over time. As far as something foreign...did anyone mention natural tissue reconstruction? There are several different types but basically they can take tissue from your tummy or hips/butt and use it to create new breasts. It can even be done at the same time as mastectomy or later if desired. They're warm and soft, look and feel just like the originals and skin still has sensitivity in most areas of the breast. A lot of times if the surgeon you're seeing doesn't perform this type of recon he/she won't ever bring it up, so please don't think they didn't bring it up because they thought you weren't a candidate. Feel free to PM me if you'd like to discuss/ask questions. Here's a link in the meantime so you can see what I'm talking about and what you could expect to look like (*note: the before & after pics on the link include pics of women who had non-skin/nipple sparing mastectomy as well as those who did. if your current surgeon is planning skin/nipple sparing mastectomy for you, you'd match up with the photos of skin/nipple sparing on the site.)

www.breastcenter.com