About getting hit by a bus

Thank you Shetland for the understanding and insightful comments. I agree that we all have different views on mortality and I take no offense whatsoever to any comments made here.

cive, I certainly try and give it my all. Most days I live my "normal" life with a decent amount of optimism and cheerfulness. Other days or sometimes only moments in days I get dragged under. I did not mean to sound like I am a 24 hour basket case. I was sincere in my envy of your lack of fear.

I still think many people don’t know what to say to me, I haven’t seen many of my friends so I feel very isolated. Last time I saw my mother in law who told me don’t think about I have cancer then I will feel better. How Can I not think about it? I’m still doing my chemo and dealing with all kinda SE. I’m tired of telling people and they won’t understand.

Paulette, I think many of us experience the same thing. When I have voiced my dismay to some friends txt other friends have dropped off the radar I get the reply "Well maybe they just don't know what to say". How about "I love you, I care about you, can I help? Want to go shopping or to a movie like we used to?. I just cannot imagine abandoning a person facing illness. Even most of my siblings (3 to of 5) rarely call, never visit. We have always gotten along pretty much so I am so confused and hurt. But don't want to pressure anyone so leave it alone.

I also feel pressure to put on the happy face. Even my own husband just wants to see me "happy" and "do something every day to make yourself happy". Everyone wants you to run out and skydive, go to France, shop until you drop. What they don't know is the extreme anxiety and mental strain we experience almost every day. Not to mention physical problems. It is hard to voice these issues as I don't want to chase anyone else away. But some days I want to just SCREAM out, "Can't you see what I am going through????"

Just to reassure you, things do settle down, you do adjust a lot to the new "normal". I have come to accept that most people have no way of knowing about cancer unless they have had personal experience with it themselves or a loved one. I have learned to give people the benefit of the doubt and just smile and be upbeat when I can. I appreciate so much more the friends who have remained and continue to call and go out of my way to make their visits pleasant or when they ask if I want to go out I try very hard to say YES!

cive, my Dx has certainly lit a fire under my butt to do things I really want to get done. Problem is there is still SO MUCH i want to do, some days I get paralyzed just trying to decide what to do!

Give, On my best days I go on a cooking spree to take the burden of the DH!

Paulette. Even though you moved away from the bus...I hope you have at least some friends through this. I found out on my first go around that I had one friend who really got it. Oh she would send funny cards etc but she listened. She didn't say all the platitudes that others did. Maybe because she had seen her Mom die or maybe because we had gone through lots of “stuff" over the years. I don't know why she got it when most people don't but I was blessed.

I lost a few fair weather friends then. Little loss.

Other friends tried I guess but couldn't understand that when you feel like crap you don't want to entertain them or go out to dinner or plan vacations etc. I do have some friends who are there for me now so I am blessed. They ask How are you feeling. A lot of times I say fine and then laugh because most of the time I don’t want to hear myself. I purposely didn’t tell many people because I wanted them to treat me like normal whatever that is.

I don’t feel alone with this stupid disease when I come on here to find many others who have some of the same hopes and fears that I have. They lift me up with their courage and caring. I’m traveling on this bus with wonderful people. Maire