About getting hit by a bus
"Well, anyone could be hit by a bus tomorrow!" This phrase comes up so much, especially when someone without breast cancer wants to minimize the fear and trauma of breast cancer. There have been some wonderful analyses and rejoinders offered by BCO members on various threads, so I think the bus needs its own thread. Please post or re-post your own replies, thoughts, or statistics about the bus.
To start, here are some statistics, but what I'd really like to hear is how you answer the bus statement!
In the USA in the year 2015, 80 pedestrians and 9 bicyclists were killed in bus crashes. (1)
In that same year in the USA, 40,290 women died of breast cancer. (2)
1. National Highway Traffic Safety Administration table 19 at fmcsa.dot.gov
2. American Cancer Society Surveillance Research 2015 at cancer.org This source did not say how many men died of bc.
In the UK in the year 2012, there were 449 pedestrian-bus collisions and 107 cyclist-bus collisions. (1)
In the UK in the year 2014, there were around 55,200 new cases of invasive breast cancer. (2)
1. "London buses 'hit two pedestrians or cyclists a day' " BBC news 2 April 2013 bbc.com
2. Cancer Research UK breast cancer statistics cancerresearchuk.org
Comments
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After being diagnosed, I read the comments about the proverbial bus. Then last winter, I actually heard about my sister-in-law's sister being killed by a car while walking in a sidewalk. Rare, but it does happen. Of course, it has nothing to do with being diagnosed with cancer, except that for me, it felt like being hit by a bus. -
I'm so sorry about your SIL's sister being killed by the car, Peregrinelady. My condolences to the whole family. True, sometimes the bus phrase is used to describe a terrible shock.
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I’m sorry for your loss. That really is tragic.
Thank you for the stats. I’m actually supposed to have dinner with friends, including the one that made that comment to me this evening. I may weave it into conversation. Since she said that, I remembered that another friend going through something difficult some time ago said she felt insulted by this same friend brushing off her pain when she talked about it. I suppose some people are just like that. She’s nice otherwise, but I guess she’s not one to share hard times with..
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My grandma was actually hit by a bus in the 80’s. She stayed with us while she recovered. She had ankle surgery and many scrapes but she did recover well. Made for some interesting conversations at family gatherings. Personally, I would have preferred the odds of getting injured by public transportation than breast cancer.
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Thank you, ladies. It was an odd situation since the sister had cut off communication with the family in her 20's and even changed her name. It was on a busy street on a snowy, icy day in Minneapolis and I think the driver slid into the crosswalk. There were other people walking with her, but she was the only one hit.
I agree, Brightness, there are some people that can't handle hearing about cancer at all. That is why my best friend is the one who called me every day and said, "Let's go for a walk," and listened to me repeatedly rant about my misdiagnosis. She later had a colon cancer scare that turned out to be endometriosis and I tried to return the favor.
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ShetlandPony - Thank-you for starting this thread!!
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To me the bus thing is not necessarily about the number of people who die from cancer or any other particular reason compared to how many people are killed by the bus. It is if the bus hits you it's 100% hit for you while if it doesn't it's 0 percent hit for you. The personal side of the statistics. And to a certain degree you have no way to control it unless you specifically choose the bus.
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You can get hit by a bus and survive. I did get hit by a proverbial bus (cardiac arrest) and survived. But fear of dying from cancer is not the same, at all. It's not as random as a rare event and it's constantly with you, every day. People die from cancer all around us, it's the leading cause of death in Canada now, ahead of heart disease. So the comparison is apples & oranges.
Another one I hear is that everyone is at risk of getting any type of cancer. Yes, I know. But I already have the risk of this cancer + risk of general population. So it is greater than an average person any way you look at it.
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I tend more toward something like, "Are you trying to be comforting? Because that isn't comforting."
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Gee, thanks Shetland. Now I can stop worrying about that damned bus!
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Someone on another thread, when the conversation was about this subject, said the most dangerous place to be hit by a bus is in China. Weeeelll, just happens that my DH is going to Beijing next summer. I've been to China in the past, but fortunately did not know about this statistic, cause I am pretty superstitious. I'm going to tell him, but he'll just laugh.
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In another thread, I think Runor said it the best I've ever heard. I hope she doesn't mind that I'm pasting it here. (I'll delete if you'd like, Runor.)
Oct 26, 2017 12:12AM runor wrote:
I swear to god the next person who tells me we could all 'get hit by a bus' is going to get hit by me! My GOD that pisses me off! And what is it that we're reacting to when we get mad at that statement? Are we mad at the truth? Because the truth is that, in actual fact, anyone CAN get hit by a bus at any time. No, what I find callous and insulting about that remark is that it is actually saying, " Your illness and your pain and your treatments and your fear do not exist. There is nothing real about what you are going through, it is no different than what any of us go through any day of the week. We are all equal in our risk of death by bus. Cancer changes nothing."
Yes! We are all at equal risk of death by bus. But I was not hit by a bus. I was hit by cancer. And that means of the two of us having this conversation ONE of us has been hit by something, ONE of us has sustained collateral damage to our body and a statistical probability of death. ONE of us has joined the ranks of knowing we will not live forever and the other ONE of us is flapping her lips like some half baked asshat! So buses DO NOT ENTER the conversation and that analogy is only relevant in that it is a polite way of telling you to shut up and get over it. It levels the playing field so you have nothing that the other person has to acknowledge or deal with. It lets THEM off the hook of having to bear witness to your pain and fear. It is an ASSHOLE thoughtless thing to say! My god I need some wine! Quick! Bring me wine!
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I had a very well meaning coworker say this to me just this morning! I politely told her "yeah but imagine that a bus WILL kill you, you just won't know when. You'd be a little on edge crossing the street, right?" She got it.
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They don't understand the trauma, to them you should simply forget about having cancer. I would like nothing better than to forget about my cancer but my mind won't let go.
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It came up at dinner, but not with the friend who mentioned being hit by a bus. A different friend said the whole “you’re young and healthy, you’ll be fine” thing, then when I foolishly tried to justify my concern (I did not initiate the conversation at all by the way. I was responding to questions from others) she said a rock could fall off a roof onto her head tomorrow and kill her. What? I realized there was no point in even trying to get her to acknowledge my reasonable concern. Some people just need to stay in their bubble of happiness regardless of how it makes others feel, so I bit my tongue. She’s a good bit older than me and since she’s not been through a health crisis, everything and everyone will be fine thank you
I’m so glad I have this site where people don’t minimize or criticize my worries, although I wish it wasn’t because you’re all in a similar situation, I wish we all could be naive and blissfully clueless.
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I guess I just don't have that fear of dying, I mean if the cancer doesn't get me something else will and there isn't a lot I can do about it. It's not like we live forever. If I were younger, I'd probably care more especially if I had kids to watch grow up.
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When I heard the bus comment I would just nod and move on. I’m not sure why people like to tell you all their horror stories about other people who had BC are now dead or broke. Geez. I still shake my head over that.
I have never been hit by a bus, but I was in a big yellow bus accident when I was in junior high. A guy side swiped the bus on an icy curve, the bus driver overcorrected and the bus rolled once and slid down a ravine. There were only a handful on kids on it at the time. No one was seriously hurt.
Happy Saturday friends! Xoxo
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Justjean - I love the repost of Runor's take on the "being hit by a bus" comment!
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cive, I wish so badly that i could have your mindset. I am absolutely grief stricken, terrified, bitter and furious about my impending demise. Maybe if I were 10 or 15 years older I would be more at peace......
My response to the bus metaphor is "Yes, but I can see the bus coming down the road at a high speed and my foot is hopelessly stuck in the track." So excuse my panic and fear.....
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Great analogy Artist!
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Artist, then maybe what you should do is give it your all for the 10 or 15 years so that you come to accept that our demise is inevitable.
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My dearly departed dad always used to say, "none of us get out of here alive."
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Cive, I am sure you didn't realize how insensitive that sounded considering Artist is stage 4.
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Regarding "none of us gets out of here alive". Early on, I actually had an oncologist say this to me because I was worried about metastatic recurrence. I was so shocked I had no response ready. It sure sounded like she was saying, "Why should you be concerned, since everybody dies?" If that's the way you think, lady, then how about trading places with me? You die in your 40s or 50s, and get cheated out of decades of life, while I live to my 80s or 90s. No problem, right? Since none of us gets out of here alive.
Artist, grief, fear, bitterness and fury are entirely appropriate. Sending my love and support.
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Shetland Pony, I understand, and sorry if I offended. My dad said this to me when he had Stage IV pancreatic cancer, and was trying to comfort me in my grief.
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Pupmom, my condolences. That was a sad and difficult time for both of you. I think people who are in the situation, like your dad, get to say whatever they feel may help. But I felt that the oncologist I mentioned, as an "outsider", was being insensitive and that as a doctor she should have had more insight.
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Thanks, Shetland. I posted something about what Cive said, but deleted it. You expressed it much better. I have noticed that there are some women talking about impending death that are not stage 4, and it seems insensitive to me since they are coming from a much different perspective. Having gone through metastatic disease with my twin sister, I know that my stage 2 is a whole different ball game and I try to read people's stats before responding. That is why it is frustrating when they are not listed. I deleted my comment after discovering that Cive is stage 4 from reading other posts.
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Thanks Shetland...
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When I started this thread I was mostly thinking of great retorts to an unthinking platitude about a bus that bugs a lot of us. Reading through this thread, I see the bus topic sort of touched off a lot more than that. It seems to me that the topic of mortality has been under serious discussion for all of human history, so we won't solve it here and we won't all see it the same way. Cancer makes most of us think about it in a way the "general public" can avoid for a long time if they are healthy. So we bc folks can end up feeling misunderstood or brushed off, and we can talk here about what that is like. Still, internet communication is fraught with perils because we don't have facial expression, tone of voice, etc. as we try to express how we feel and respond to each other. Sometimes it is hard to know just what someone is trying to say and why they are saying it. But in spite of the difficulties, I am grateful we have a this "place" to share and strive to understand. So, hugs all around.
Peregrinelady, I am so sorry about your twin sister, and sorry too that you have had to deal with bc treatment yourself.
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Thanks, Shetland. Yes, this thread did go off track, just like that out of control bus. 😄 I guess my point was that when I was first diagnosed, I thought I would automatically follow in my sister's steps and thus went into a deep depression. Now, I realize that there is a good chance that will never happen and I never want to think that way again. Someone here said it best when they stated that worrying about recurrence is not going to prevent it, so enjoy life right now. On the other hand, the women here who have recurred and are hopeful and living full lives helped me to accept that if it does happen, I will learn how to deal with it, just as thousands before me have.
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