Trying to keep this private!!
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help me out ladies ! I know a lot of people share their journey and blog and tell everyone on Facebook. But that's not me. I don't want to tell anyone - if I didn't have to. I really wanted to just get this done and over and now a friend who I swore to secrecy has inadvertently told everyone in our group. I just found out and I can't stop crying.
My husband seems to want to share it with random people too. And I just can't get it through his head that I don't want him telling everyone!!
Why do they think it's ok to share my personal information?? I know people will look and treat you different and now that's going to happen.
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aussielovergirl, I feel for you. No one should share something you wanted private with others. I, too, share your desire for privacy and only shared my situation with about 5 people (other than anonymously here!). I also found out one of these "trusted" people shared with someone else. I was not happy with that, but did find over time that others either forget or realized I did not want to share more with them--and they stopped asking or reacting. I don't feel it changed how those people treat me now and I hope that will be your experience. Just remind them that it is your situation to tell, not theirs!! Some just can't understand that and need reminders!!! All the best to you, and please remember, time will change your view of this current situation. Hugs. Ceanna
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thank you so much. That makes me feel better. Even though the tears are still flowing right now. I know they probably won't even think about it again. They are too wrapped up in themselves. I don't think they are bad people. But Just didn't want them knowing my business. They are all super looks conscious too. So I've always felt insecure around them anyway. This just makes it worse. Well the friend apologized. She's super stressed right now and did it accidentally. I guess I'll just have to deal with how many people it travels too after these people ...
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I hear ya. I told very few people. My parents, my sis, my spouse and 2 friends. Told my kids night before surgery. I know that may make people gasp, but I waited until I had all the facts and did not want them to have days of worry before. One of my friends told someone else. I knew that when this woman said, I'm sorry, but hope you are feeling better after the surgery. WTF! If i wanted people whom I really don't have much personal connection with to know, I'd post it on FB and open it to the public. I don't want to feel like everyone needs to feel sorry, have them look at me as a cancer person, rather than the person I am. I'm sure others know already but are not daring to say anything lol. Might go off on Tamoxifen-hormonal induced butt kicking on whomever spilled the beans.
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I think you'll find that most people who the news travels to, and who are not real close to you, will soon forget they heard anything about your health. It's awkward perhaps, but if they ask you questions, just say something vague like "I'm fine." If they don't pick up on the fact that you don't want to talk about it, that's their problem! I'm glad your friend recognized what she did and apologized--that's great! Please try to be gentle to yourself and try not to worry about what others think--"this too shall pass!"
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I completely understand. I am the exact same way. I told very few people when I was first diagnosed and even fewer when I progressed. People just don't understand that it is NOT their information to share.
For me, I needed normal. When people knew, all of a sudden I was that person with cancer and not me. I couldn't stand that.. so the best way I knew to avoid it was to not tell anyone.
I wish you the best. Please know, there are some of us that totally get where you are coming from. Hugs to you.
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that's how I feel. I don't want them thinking anything about it negatively and always looking at me like that now. It infuriates me the DumB stuff people say too. My MIL always says the WRoNG Thing ! Always. She says things like I always knew it'd come back. I'm so sorry. I mean I hoped it' would never come back. . Same thing when my dog was sick. She says i just knew it was cancer tumors. noooooo it wasallergies. Jeez. What the ? I wanna punch her in the face
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I am the opposite of most of you in that I have told everyone, however if you don't want people to know that is your absolute right and should be respected
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I told everyone too, but it was my news to tell and I would have been very angry in your situation. The way your MIL talks reminds me of my mom. She always goes to the worst case scenario immediately. I have learned not to depend on her for support in most situations. When I talk to her and she says something stupid, I just remind myself that she has always been this way. Sounds easy but BELIEVE me it isn't.
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I told very few people also. it was stressful in a way at first and I felt a bit guilty saying I'm fine- I worried that people would take it personally that I didn't tell them- but, I'm over that and so glad I didn't tell a bunch of people. I love taking a walk with a friend who doesn't know and not having my health be a topic of discussion!
I do have friends who share everything-it's just not me. Nora Ephron didn't tell people about her cancer- she thought they would treat her differently. It was a shock to people when she died-but, her news to share.
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You do EXACTLY what you feel you should and what helps you cope.
I started out not telling anyone. Had to tell a few colleagues due to disability leave -- but that was it. However, as I've gone down this road, I'm opening up a little more. I am NOT on Facebook, etc., and consider my business very private. It's my nature, too. But when I tell people I deem worthy, for whatever gut reason that is, it's not bad. They are usually other cancer folks, though, so, ha ha. My neighbors wave at me and have NO idea. I don't want the stigma and/or dealing with silly/inane questions. And them thinking: thank God it's not me! I have also played the C card for shock value -- but maybe I'm just twisted! Gotta have some fun with this bull&h*t.
What is funny. Or not. My brother told a very good friend of mine in the grocery store. And he told her like it was gossip, according to her. It was actually good because my friend (have known since we were in elementary school) become closer through this (her dad just diagnosed with oral cancer two weeks ago) -- but I'm not really speaking to my brother. He's an idiot. Who has done ZERO for me through this (not that I need it, he can't even take care of himself).
Idk. Some relationships do not survive cancer. But that is another topic, isn't it?! LOL
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I know - thank you. I am trying not to worry about the small stuff. I am worried about the surgery now and the expenses... and getting everything prepared and done around here, so I can recover easily.
I just can't get my head around why they want to tell everyone so badly... My husband asked me again yesterday why I hadn't told a particular friend. He started to infer what was going on as I was kicking him under the table and shushing him !! Yes, she is a good friend and would be there for me if needed, but she is close with another friend who has a MOUTH -- that travels, so I just know I would get burned if I tell her and then she tells the other one-- everyone !! will know.
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I respect that too-=- that's what some people need and what they do in a normal situation. My family has always been private and I've always been that way myself, so this is just my nature. It just hurts my feelings so much that I can't do this without everyone knowing. We asked my in-laws not so share either, but I am sure she's told everyone on their side of the family. I tell my husband not to mention it, then he tells me oh- well I told my cousin, my friend, and my brother... I am pulling my hair out -- what part of DON"T tell anyone do they not get !! ??
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EastcoastTSI hate the stupid questions too -or just the over the top comments... I just don't even want to talk about it anymore. that is too funny-- how do you play the C card for shock ? I'd love to hear those stories
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I'm just really grateful to you all - and so glad there are some common threads here and that I am not the only one who wants to remain private. I don't feel so crazy ! I am so grateful to those of you willing to share pictures and personal experiences too... it really means a lot.
As much as I am annoyed with some people in my circle, I am truly saddened to hear some of the stories about some peoples friends and families on here that have turned on them. That is just unbelievable ! I mean, if someone is just sort of dumb, and doesn't know what to say is one thing, but the others who tell you I won't be there for you or tell you that can't be around you. That just floors me. I hope you all know you are not alone and we are all here for you. Hugs and love to you all. oxoxo
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I'm a very private person. I don't do Facebook or any social media. But when I got my cancer dx I decided to tell my relatives and in-laws. I wrote each group an email explaining my dx. I wanted them to hear it from me instead of from my husband who sometimes (actually often) gets things wrong. And I didn't want the news spreading from person-to-person cause you know how facts get distorted when this happens. And I wanted them to feel comfortable asking me questions directly. I got some dumb questions but most were heartfelt and sincere.
I've been taking my dogs to my local dog park practically every day for many years. I told one frequent 'old timer' my dx cause I knew he would worry if I stopped coming. He told EVERYBODY who goes to that park, even the occasional visitors. One of which is a neighbor of mine. I didn't tell any of my neighbors cause I rarely talk to them -- just 'hi' and 'bye'.
But I'm OK with people knowing. At least they know why I looked like crap some days. Going through chemo is a good excuse for looking old and worn out. I hate for people to think I was just aging badly. LOL.
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Justamy --- I am about to SCREAM - I got a message last night from someone my MIL told again !!
I guess I have to call and scream and yell at her. I don't know how else to get it across --
she will NOT respect my wishes. They can say all they want about caring about me. They don't care about me If they don't respect my wishes for privacy. They are driving me crazy and stressing me out before surgery !
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aussie, I'm sorry you are again faced with people not respecting your choice. I prefer privacy, but I worry for you that your reaction may be causing you additional stress. Our bodies go through enough with BC so please try not to react, even if people you didn't want to know, know. Please put yourself first and maybe the news will settle down. I often think of and find the quote from Chuck Swindoll helpful, and looked it up just now to copy it here.
"The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude...I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it." I learned this lesson the hard way and just want to share it with you.
I don't agree with what your MIL did but maybe a quiet conversation with her would go a long way. Others who have heard are understandably concerned about you and want you to know they are thinking about you. Perhaps just thank those contacting you. Gentle hugs and best wishes for your upcoming surgery, Ceanna
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I'm waiting for biopsy results. I told only a few people. Only one is a friend. I have had surgery before and kept it from my mother. My line is "She knows someone who died from a hang nail." I shut her up about my dog when she asked about him dieing in my new home, a few thousand miles away. If I ever move back to the lower 48, I plan on my 'little man' coming with. I am private and plan on staying that way! It is MY STORY TO TELL. I don't know how to italicize or underline on my phone, or I would not have yelled. I apologise. I fully support each person maintaining their privacy until personally told otherwise.
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I think aussie's MIL needs to be yelled at.
I think a big part of the problem is that everyone thinks that they can tell just one or two people as long as they swear them to secrecy. Then those two people do the same thing. They tell just a couple people who also swear to keep the secret. And then...well do the math. I let a family member tell someone so they could get caregiver support, with the stipulation that it go no further than that one person. Of course, that person told someone else, and I got the concerned email. Grrrrr.
Eastcoast, I am also waiting to hear your stories of playing the C card for shock. Do tell.
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Okay, guys, maybe this will disappoint.
I read this book called Crazy, Sexy Cancer -- I actually read a couple of her books -- and they are funny/light but also about lifestyle changes. (She's pretty intense about diet.) Anyhooo -- please don't take offense anyone -- but she says we can play the "Cancer Card" at times. If we feel comfortable. Like one woman in the book got out of a speeding ticket that I recall. I mean...what the heck, right? Gotta be useful for something. So, I guess I have thought about times we can tell someone for "shock effect" or because we have that wicked feeling. Like when you have the sudden urge to laugh in church. I don't know if this is making any sense.
So, I was in a bar this weekend watching college football. I am a very devoted. LOL Anyway, an older crowd, little place on this island in SC, and this older gentleman (I was with my husband and son, so nothing crazy going on) asked about doing shots with the people in the area. I said no (I haven't done shots since college, yuck) -- and am limiting myself to one beer/glass of wine here and there, which is another story on the BC journey. When pressed, I just threw caution to the wind and announced "Nope, I have BC, so can't do that." The owner of the bar about choked. Men. But guess what? The nice gentleman came over, took my hand, and said that his wife had passed away 7 weeks ago (!) from lung cancer and that is why he's out now -- because home is lonely. He was lovely. Instant connection.
I have found myself telling a few people and kinda waiting to see the reaction. Not someone I really cared about the reaction. Is that terrible? And if it got me out of a speeding ticket, I may do it!!!!!!!
I am not taking this journey lightly but if we forget how to laugh or have fun in some way...that would be so sad.
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I had to tell an acquaintance at an exercise class, "I've told you I had surgery and my arms are susceptible to serious injury. Punch my arm again for emphasis and our relationship is over."
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ceanna I hear ya ! that is part of what is making me so angry. that THEY are causing me undue stress when I have a million other things to do and worry about, and I know stress is terrible for you.
Its funny because I am normally like 'you' -- I am the voice of reason, I'm the one everyone going thru crazy relationship problems and work issues comes to, the one who takes care of all the misfits....right now I am the one that needs to let it out for a minute. I don't even raise my voice, arguing or fighting isn't in my nature - so it is so HARD for me to even " call somebody out" I am always the nice girl. I'm just sick of it right now. My husband - I know probably thinks I am overreacting about his mom, he just says " she is senile, she's old, she's Pam" what are we gonna do ? Well, like I first suggested NOT TELL her.
I will get over it - I know - it is just really hurtful to me -- its not the cancer dx per se.... its the mx and reconstruction I don't want everyone particularly knowing about -- the looking and questions about that is what I am uncomfortable with.
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EastcoastTS… Thanks for the book tips I will check that out. I appreciate the reminder to find humor too -- I know I need that right now. I have been able to do that in a sarcastic way and make comments about these dimwits who keep aggravating me with stupid stuff. You just completed your Tissue expanders to implants ? are you happy with how everything turned out ? My husband makes jokes about that stuff a little bit which I am unsure of just yet, like he thinks they are gonna be so perfect and cool-- I don't know if he is just psyching me up or himself, or he is really excited about me having new boobs. unfortunately I am pretty happy with the current ones, so its not like some ladies who've had lots of kids and damage done to theirs and they enjoy getting the new ones that do look better...
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My mother taught me a phrase that Sometimes work. "Why would you ask such a personal question?" Sometimes it should be changed up some. You can possibly bring them to their senses with words like, private or sensitive or intimate, question. You get the idea.
It occurs to me that if they are not a friend or you know they are a gossip, you could say, "OK, you first. Tell me how you feel about your breasts, then I will tell you how I feel about mine." I would have to be angry or my mood compromised, to be that blunt.
Or, 'I forgot that I shared my private medical information with you. Remind me again exactly what I shared with you?'.
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My mother taught me a phrase that Sometimes work. "Why would you ask such a personal question?" Sometimes it should be changed up some. You can possibly bring them to their senses with words like, private or sensitive or intimate, question. You get the idea.
It occurs to me that if they are not a friend or you know they are a gossip, you could say, "OK, you first. Tell me how you feel about your breasts, then I will tell you how I feel about mine." I would have to be angry or my mood compromised, to be that blunt.
Or, 'I forgot that I shared my private medical information with you. Remind me again exactly what I shared with you?'.
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Aussie:
I did just complete Exchange surgery. Tissue expanders (TEs) were not the greatest but they are doable. I am fairly happy with my implants to date (almost four weeks post Exchange). Still in the stage where I'm having to be patient to (1) not do too much and (2) let them settle. They aren't quite there yet but look good.
I see you're doing DIEP -- I don't know much about that but sure there are many here who do! There is a picture forum out there (you can PM me and I'll send you the link). You have to register because it's private and people's personal pics, but I believe there are many DIEP pics. I found it very helpful to visualize what the process actually looks like plus there are a lot of good discussions, too.
I never lost my humor in this mess, somehow. I even enjoyed meeting so many interesting people along the way and getting a college course in biology/oncology (even though it was exhausting and sometimes a little scary). Keep your humor/sarcasm if you can. A positive outlook is key to healing if you ask me.
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it seems to me that this kind of news just spreads once it's out. Part of the difficulty in the time right after Dx was how to deal with that. I had some people call up having not heard from them in years saying "so how ARE you? ". They obviously heard about my cancer through the grapevine and it felt like they were just running down a rumor.
But then on the other hand, because people know about my struggle they are sometimes willing to share the most amazing stories about themselves, and support me in ways I'd never imagined.
So everyone's knowing is a mixed bag I guess..... blessing and curse both.
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Yes, it can be a trade-off of privacy/peace/normalcy vs. support, and people understanding when you can't do things as well or as much as you'd like to. Then there is cancer discrimination. Don't get me started. "But we were concerned for your health..."
Great responses, Jack-Bear.
Eastcoast, I agree that humor really helps. People would be appalled if they could hear the jokes DH and I make about this cancer stuff and how we laugh about things.
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