Trying to keep this private!!

aussielovergirl, I feel for you. No one should share something you wanted private with others. I, too, share your desire for privacy and only shared my situation with about 5 people (other than anonymously here!). I also found out one of these "trusted" people shared with someone else. I was not happy with that, but did find over time that others either forget or realized I did not want to share more with them--and they stopped asking or reacting. I don't feel it changed how those people treat me now and I hope that will be your experience. Just remind them that it is your situation to tell, not theirs!! Some just can't understand that and need reminders!!! All the best to you, and please remember, time will change your view of this current situation. Hugs. Ceanna

I hear ya. I told very few people. My parents, my sis, my spouse and 2 friends. Told my kids night before surgery. I know that may make people gasp, but I waited until I had all the facts and did not want them to have days of worry before. One of my friends told someone else. I knew that when this woman said, I'm sorry, but hope you are feeling better after the surgery. WTF! If i wanted people whom I really don't have much personal connection with to know, I'd post it on FB and open it to the public. I don't want to feel like everyone needs to feel sorry, have them look at me as a cancer person, rather than the person I am. I'm sure others know already but are not daring to say anything lol. Might go off on Tamoxifen-hormonal induced butt kicking on whomever spilled the beans.

I completely understand. I am the exact same way. I told very few people when I was first diagnosed and even fewer when I progressed. People just don't understand that it is NOT their information to share.

For me, I needed normal. When people knew, all of a sudden I was that person with cancer and not me. I couldn't stand that.. so the best way I knew to avoid it was to not tell anyone.

I wish you the best. Please know, there are some of us that totally get where you are coming from. Hugs to you.

that's how I feel. I don't want them thinking anything about it negatively and always looking at me like that now. It infuriates me the DumB stuff people say too. My MIL always says the WRoNG Thing ! Always. She says things like I always knew it'd come back. I'm so sorry. I mean I hoped it' would never come back. . Same thing when my dog was sick. She says i just knew it was cancer tumors. noooooo it wasallergies. Jeez. What the ? I wanna punch her in the face

I told everyone too, but it was my news to tell and I would have been very angry in your situation. The way your MIL talks reminds me of my mom. She always goes to the worst case scenario immediately. I have learned not to depend on her for support in most situations. When I talk to her and she says something stupid, I just remind myself that she has always been this way. Sounds easy but BELIEVE me it isn't.

You do EXACTLY what you feel you should and what helps you cope.

I started out not telling anyone. Had to tell a few colleagues due to disability leave -- but that was it. However, as I've gone down this road, I'm opening up a little more. I am NOT on Facebook, etc., and consider my business very private. It's my nature, too. But when I tell people I deem worthy, for whatever gut reason that is, it's not bad. They are usually other cancer folks, though, so, ha ha. My neighbors wave at me and have NO idea. I don't want the stigma and/or dealing with silly/inane questions. And them thinking: thank God it's not me! I have also played the C card for shock value -- but maybe I'm just twisted! Gotta have some fun with this bull&h*t.

What is funny. Or not. My brother told a very good friend of mine in the grocery store. And he told her like it was gossip, according to her. It was actually good because my friend (have known since we were in elementary school) become closer through this (her dad just diagnosed with oral cancer two weeks ago) -- but I'm not really speaking to my brother. He's an idiot. Who has done ZERO for me through this (not that I need it, he can't even take care of himself).

Idk. Some relationships do not survive cancer. But that is another topic, isn't it?! LOL

I respect that too-=- that's what some people need and what they do in a normal situation.  My family has always been private and I've always been that way myself, so this is just my nature.  It just hurts my feelings so much that I can't do this without everyone knowing.   We asked my in-laws not so share either, but I am sure she's told everyone on their side of the family.  I tell my husband not to mention it, then he tells me oh- well I told my cousin, my friend, and my brother...  I am pulling my hair out -- what part of DON"T tell anyone do they not get !! ??

I'm just really grateful to you all - and so glad there are some common threads here and that I am not the only one who wants to remain private. I don't feel so crazy !    I am so grateful to those of you willing to share pictures and personal experiences too... it really means a lot.

As much as I am annoyed with some people in my circle, I am truly saddened to hear some of the stories about some peoples friends and families on here that have turned on them.  That is just unbelievable !  I mean, if someone is just sort of dumb, and doesn't know what to say is one thing, but the others who tell you I won't be there for you or tell you that can't be around you.  That just floors me.   I hope  you all know you are not alone and we are all here for you.  Hugs and love to you all. oxoxo

Justamy --- I am about to SCREAM - I got a message last night from someone my MIL told again !!

I guess I have to call and scream and yell at her. I don't know how else to get it across --

she will NOT respect my wishes. They can say all they want about caring about me. They don't care about me If they don't respect my wishes for privacy. They are driving me crazy and stressing me out before surgery !

I'm waiting for biopsy results. I told only a few people. Only one is a friend. I have had surgery before and kept it from my mother. My line is "She knows someone who died from a hang nail." I shut her up about my dog when she asked about him dieing in my new home, a few thousand miles away. If I ever move back to the lower 48, I plan on my 'little man' coming with. I am private and plan on staying that way! It is MY STORY TO TELL. I don't know how to italicize or underline on my phone, or I would not have yelled. I apologise. I fully support each person maintaining their privacy until personally told otherwise.

Okay, guys, maybe this will disappoint.

I read this book called Crazy, Sexy Cancer -- I actually read a couple of her books -- and they are funny/light but also about lifestyle changes. (She's pretty intense about diet.) Anyhooo -- please don't take offense anyone -- but she says we can play the "Cancer Card" at times. If we feel comfortable. Like one woman in the book got out of a speeding ticket that I recall. I mean...what the heck, right? Gotta be useful for something. So, I guess I have thought about times we can tell someone for "shock effect" or because we have that wicked feeling. Like when you have the sudden urge to laugh in church. I don't know if this is making any sense.

So, I was in a bar this weekend watching college football. I am a very devoted. LOL Anyway, an older crowd, little place on this island in SC, and this older gentleman (I was with my husband and son, so nothing crazy going on) asked about doing shots with the people in the area. I said no (I haven't done shots since college, yuck) -- and am limiting myself to one beer/glass of wine here and there, which is another story on the BC journey. When pressed, I just threw caution to the wind and announced "Nope, I have BC, so can't do that." The owner of the bar about choked. Men. But guess what? The nice gentleman came over, took my hand, and said that his wife had passed away 7 weeks ago (!) from lung cancer and that is why he's out now -- because home is lonely. He was lovely. Instant connection.

I have found myself telling a few people and kinda waiting to see the reaction. Not someone I really cared about the reaction. Is that terrible? And if it got me out of a speeding ticket, I may do it!!!!!!!

I am not taking this journey lightly but if we forget how to laugh or have fun in some way...that would be so sad.

ceanna I hear ya ! that is part of what is making me so angry. that THEY are causing me undue stress when I have a million other things to do and worry about, and I know stress is terrible for you.

Its funny because I am normally like 'you' -- I am the voice of reason, I'm the one everyone going thru crazy relationship problems and work issues comes to, the one who takes care of all the misfits....right now I am the one that needs to let it out for a minute. I don't even raise my voice, arguing or fighting isn't in my nature - so it is so HARD for me to even " call somebody out" I am always the nice girl. I'm just sick of it right now. My husband - I know probably thinks I am overreacting about his mom, he just says " she is senile, she's old, she's Pam" what are we gonna do ? Well, like I first suggested NOT TELL her.

I will get over it - I know - it is just really hurtful to me -- its not the cancer dx per se.... its the mx and reconstruction I don't want everyone particularly knowing about -- the looking and questions about that is what I am uncomfortable with.

My mother taught me a phrase that Sometimes work. "Why would you ask such a personal question?" Sometimes it should be changed up some. You can possibly bring them to their senses with words like, private or sensitive or intimate, question. You get the idea.

It occurs to me that if they are not a friend or you know they are a gossip, you could say, "OK, you first. Tell me how you feel about your breasts, then I will tell you how I feel about mine." I would have to be angry or my mood compromised, to be that blunt.

Or, 'I forgot that I shared my private medical information with you. Remind me again exactly what I shared with you?'.

Aussie:

I did just complete Exchange surgery. Tissue expanders (TEs) were not the greatest but they are doable. I am fairly happy with my implants to date (almost four weeks post Exchange). Still in the stage where I'm having to be patient to (1) not do too much and (2) let them settle. They aren't quite there yet but look good.

I see you're doing DIEP -- I don't know much about that but sure there are many here who do! There is a picture forum out there (you can PM me and I'll send you the link). You have to register because it's private and people's personal pics, but I believe there are many DIEP pics. I found it very helpful to visualize what the process actually looks like plus there are a lot of good discussions, too.

I never lost my humor in this mess, somehow. I even enjoyed meeting so many interesting people along the way and getting a college course in biology/oncology (even though it was exhausting and sometimes a little scary). Keep your humor/sarcasm if you can. A positive outlook is key to healing if you ask me.

Yes, it can be a trade-off of privacy/peace/normalcy vs. support, and people understanding when you can't do things as well or as much as you'd like to. Then there is cancer discrimination. Don't get me started. "But we were concerned for your health..."

Great responses, Jack-Bear.

Eastcoast, I agree that humor really helps. People would be appalled if they could hear the jokes DH and I make about this cancer stuff and how we laugh about things.