In need of emotional guidance!

barbiej
barbiej Member Posts: 5
edited February 2018 in Young With Breast Cancer

Good morning all,

I am in a very difficult emotional place at this point. I was diagnosed with Stage IIA IDC in January (ER/PR-, HER2+). I was diagnosed at 27 years old and nothing could have shocked me more. As a mother of a toddler and a wife to the most wonderful man, I felt an intense rush of adrenaline through my treatment. I just felt as if I didn't have the luxury of sadness or anger. So, I went through my partial mastectomy with a smile, I went through chemotherapy with jokes and humor, and I followed that with 30 rounds of radiation. Through all of it I have grown to be a better person, a better mother, and a better wife. I have grown closer to God and have gained a much needed reality check on what is truly important in my life.... However, since my treatment has slowed down (Herceptin every 3 weeks), I have become in touch with a different reality. I can't quite describe when it started, but something changed in me. I have become so unbelievably depressed.

Throughout all of this I have kept my eye on the goal... finish chemo, finish radiation. But, upon attaining those magnificent milestones, I have come to realize that there is no finish line. We don't get off this train. And while I know that I should give my worries to God and trust that he will care for me... I just can't let go. The fear is so strong, at times, that it is crippling. I am afraid to say things like, "next year we should go to Disney world," or "in a few years we should renovate the back porch." I am afraid to even whisper future plans because I am terrified that I won't be here. I am terrified of letting my boys down. We always wanted many children and now I am so, so afraid to even consider it because of what the future may hold. Someone please tell me how to cope with this. I don't know how to be normal. I don't know how to see a future.

I know that there are others who are afflicted with much worse. I am aware of how ridiculous I might sound. Even knowing all that, I am still filled to the brim with constant fear. I want to see a day in which I feel steadfast that I will be okay. To feel strongly that recurrence will never be a word in my dictionary of life. I want to say, "I HAD cancer...," not that I "HAVE it." How do I find peace? Will I ever be able to see something other than pink ribbons and prognosis?

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Comments

  • wrenn
    wrenn Member Posts: 2,707
    edited October 2017

    It is not fair that someone your age has to endure this. You are quite normal to feel the way you are feeling not only because of your age and the unfairness of it all but because during treatment you have a mindset that the cancer is being taken care of (got rid of) but once treatment ends people often flounder and wonder what is going to happen.

    Everyone I know with cancer goes through a depression or down mood after treatment.

    Take care of yourself and don't feel like your pain is any less than anyone else's. Counselling with someone who understands what cancer means might help.

    Be good to yourself.

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  • Alicethecat2
    Alicethecat2 Member Posts: 105
    edited October 2017

    Hello Barbiej

    I'm sorry you've had to go through this. In case this helps, in my experience it does tend to get better with time. At the moment, you're still on our drug Herceptin so may be experiencing side-effects such as a runny nose.

    Often when I had an infusion, I imagined it doing its work and cheered it on. And as far as I was concerned, at the end of the course, I'd had the treatment and was cured and that was that. Could this approach work for you?

    As the years go by and the check-ups get fewer and fewer, fear begins to recede into the back window.

    Give yourself a pat on the back for what you've gone through and look to the future!

    Alice

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  • Cpeachymom
    Cpeachymom Member Posts: 518
    edited October 2017

    Barbie, so sorry you have to be here. I'm a bit older than you, but I also have an 18 month old toddler in addition to a couple teenagers. My husband and I were going to start trying for another baby when I discovered my lump. I have not even finished rads yet, but I know that I plan on living as if cancer will never return, otherwise it's not really living. We went on a big family vacation that was planned before my diagnosis but a month after my mastectomy. You sound like you've been very strong, and know that life doesn't stop because we have cancer. I also would like to get off this train, so I can sympathize! I hope you find a way through this tough time. P.S.- I think you should go to Disney World

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  • barbiej
    barbiej Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2017

    Thank you so much for your input. It really does help. Each day has its challenges for me, and I am trying to work through them. This kind of fear is such an unnatural way to live. It doesn't help when I am constantly going to the hospital and seeing others who are struggling with their prognosis... some worse than others. I have spent a great deal of time praying for peace and faith... I think that between God and all of the support from all of you, I am starting to feel solid ground again. Thank you again for your generosity of spirit.

    Medicating

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  • sm627
    sm627 Member Posts: 298
    edited October 2017

    Hi Barbiej,

    Life is giving us one of the biggest and hardest challenges we could ever face. Sending you lots of Love and Hugs and wishing you more positive times then negative ones. It is okay to feel any kind of emotions you have sometimes a good cry makes me feel better when I am feel down.

    Wishing you all the best as you win this challenge in life and become stronger for it.

    Hugs and Love,

    Sara

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  • PoseyGirl
    PoseyGirl Member Posts: 359
    edited October 2017

    Barbiej and all,

    It is validating to read that feeling depressed after treatment ends is normal. I finished my last Herceptin in mid September and would have been due for another infusion a week ago. I have been feeling myself slipping downward (by the way, I'm mum to an 11 and an 8 year old). I sit there feeling so completely vulnerable and out of control all the time, especially lately. I feel like the cancer radio dial has been turned up to loud 24/7. So, I completely and totally hear you and appreciate those a little further down the road telling us that it can get better. I feel better being able to connect with you ladies, knowing you've all been in this place.

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  • barbiej
    barbiej Member Posts: 5
    edited October 2017

    Poseygirl,

    Thank you so much for your post. I know exactly how you feel. I felt so much adrenaline getting through the major stuff. I think when we start, we all think that the dreaded "chemo" will be the worst... "just get past the chemo," we tell ourselves. But, realizing that there is not a real finish line has impacted me tremendously. Some days are easier than others. Sometimes reminding myself that no one is guaranteed tomorrow (cancer or no cancer) helps. I know that seems strange, but remembering that grounds me. I just hate that every ache and pain immediately leads me to "recurrence" thoughts. I wish I could go back to when chest pain was only "heart-burn" in my mind and not "Herceptin induced heart attack." Honestly, I think I am starting to sound like a crazy person. Praying a lot helps so much. Life would be even easier if every stranger and their brother would stop telling me about every person they knew who died of cancer... I mean... seriously? Why do people do that? I know that they don't know how to treat my lack of eyebrows and the general look of fatigue on my face... but holy %&^$.... really? Or here is a thought... hey, general public!!! Stop treating every cancer patient like they are terminal... in fact... stop treating any cancer patient like they are terminal. And here is a thought... stop putting sticker epitaphs on the back wind shield of your car... it ruins my morning and sometimes my day. end rant. thanks for listening.

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  • Valentina7268279
    Valentina7268279 Member Posts: 74
    edited February 2018

    I was reading your lines and thinking that they perfectly describe how I feel! Here what has helped me: I tried to continue with my normal routine: I didn't have chemo and I am in the middle of my radios, but if circumstances allow me I work, exercise, spend time with my husband, parents or friends. My situation is even more complicated because I am currently living in another country so my family is not here. My parents are just now visiting us so I am trying to enjoy every moment I can with them. And this is what I say to myself every time: Cancer is not gonna kill me now so why would I let cancer ruin the precious days, moments that I can enjoy now? It is not nice to know that I have cancer but at least it reminds that life is short and I have to live/love as much as I can right now.

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