Anyone with tumor location above the breast?

Hi mustlovepoodles, Sjacobs146,

Thank you for your support and encouraging words, I really appreciate it.

Mustlovepoodles, your story is amazing, I always had greatest respect for people who have to take care of others putting their needs before their own. You must be very proud of him, and you should be. Me and my husband had our own fair share of unfortunate events, I am not comfortable to share on the open forum. It left us devastated for two years and until this recent diagnosis remained the worse thing that ever happened to me. I was offered antidepressants a year ago but refused due to the side effects, I went to a psycologist for six months, I fought an inner battle just to cope with the problem and to find a strength to move on and I somehow did. I tried to put everything behind me and just focus on what I had and tried to find my peace. I did it this year finally, after that mammogram where they apparently missed my tumor and told me everything was fine, I went home and told myself: live and be happy, do it! Don't think of negative stuff, think of all positive things that ever happened to you. I finally felt free even If I felt sad once in a while. We traveled, been to NY in April, life finally felt as it should be, an amazing gift. I probably drunk more wine than I should, it made me happy and occasionlly took one cigarette in the morning, made me calm, hate myself for that now, have not been a heavy smoker but always had to take a cigarette when I was nervous or very stressed or had a fight with my husband. In May I found this lump and in June they told me it was cancer. One of the first things I told to the doctors was that I do not have any reserves left, I used everything already, I had nothing to pull in. I just fixed my life and it was falling apart in a way that I could not even imagined before. My GP who knew how much we struggled during the past year called me after the diagnosis and I could hear how sorry she was for me when I told her I was completely broke emotionally. This diagnosis is much worse compared to our problems before, but everything is relative. No one else except for people who got this diagnosis at some point in their lives can understand this feeling of complete impotence with a death threat you cannot run away from. A desease so stigmatised and sneaky, sometimes I am just so devastated that I cannot think straight. The youngest girl is my primary concern, I feel how everything turns upside down when I look at her, my previous terrible tragedy cannot even be compared to the current state of insanity. I had a meeting with a concellour yesterday and she suggested a meeting with a psychiatrist and eventually antidepressive medications. I know I do not want to take those but I will meet the doctor. I am so torn right now between hope and despair, my family is positive and I need them to stay there even though I understand that being positive cannot affect the outcome. My mom says I have to give it some time, my husband says I have to get out of the house, but I have trouble being around people, it is like they all are happy, relax and healthy and here I am sick and hopeless, feeling that this time I will not be able to get my life back, and nothing good can ever come out of this and I have nothing to do among those people, nothing to talk about, they will never understand and will only feel sorry for me, this is so unfair. About my scar, I saw it yesterday for the first time, it is probably 5 cm long and is lower than the tumor location, cosmetically it looks well, the surgeon did a very good jo.This has never been my primary concern though, I have very dense and lumpy breasts, I think I would opt for bmx but I know the clinic will refuse to do it at this point, we do not have the same freedom here, everything is governmental and I am sure if I would mention it they will successfully talk me out of it.

Sjacobs146,

This is exactly what you are saying exactly how I feel and what my mind is doing to me. I have an anti-anxiety medication that is good but addictive in the long run and I tried it for a week. It does work more or less, I got the weakiest dose, but as soon as it stops the anxiety hits me back so hard that I need to take another pill and I decided to save them for the moments when I really feel I cannot endur it anymore. I wish I could learn how not to reagret the past, I do it all the time. The treatment side effects are awful but what choice do I have. I know I have to learn to to cope and live with this, once again I do not have any choice. Thank you for all your responses, means a lot to me,

Sincerely,

Cherry

Hi MTwoman,

Thank you for your kind words and the link, this is something I have been trying for a long time, to live in the moment. I will also try yoga, tried it before, kind of thought that it was not as effective as running or a power walk but now I feel this is something for me to try. I cannot listen to the music right now, it makes me sad. I do not do much at all, which feels so awkward because before I used to be like a Flash and was the one in charge of everything at home, multitasking, pushing everybody in right direction even when I was feeling terrible, it felt like I had to do something to distract myself. The diagnosis stole my life and left me completely paralysed. It did not happened at once, I tried to exercise, we tried to go for a trip, but nothing felt like it used toto and gradually I ended up in my bed searching the web. I cannot force myself to go for a walk, I do not want to run into anyone I know, I know how sad I look and I do not know how to avoid a potential conversation, feeling completely unsafe. I worked from home after the diagnosis and now I am on sick leave. I fear the day I have to go back to work, not many people know what happened to me, just two of my managers and both have already confirmed that I can keep working from home but sometimes you have to be in the office for the meetings. I love my work, now even more than before, but it is stressful and I am not sure I can pull it off now. I also used to study a foreign language and now when I look at the books I just wonder: what for? I have to come to a point where I accept it and I am not there yet. I will absolutely pm you, I am grateful for this forum. There are so few people I talk to nowdays, and none of them had this desease, and I pray will never have it. This forum is my only connection to the people who experienced the same thing, that there is someone out there who knows exactly how I feel when I wake up in the morning. I can neither believe that there are women out there who will get their diagnoses tomorrow, I cannot believe that this atrocity can happen to anyone else, this so awful just to recall how my life turned into this.

Sincerely,

Cherry