Post deleted by Melissa & Tami

I'm a single mother; my twins were 9 when I was diagnosed. I have no family within 1000 miles of here, other than my ex, if you can call him family. We get along ok, and he helped me out as much as he could when I was going through treatments.

I'm sorry you're having so much frustration with your relationship. Did the vent help? Some people truly are toxic to us and we would be well advised to limit our contact with them, if at all possible. I know it's not always possible to completely cut off contact with someone, especially when there is a history (and a child). I hope you start thinking of ways to put yourself first and maybe that will guide your interactions with him.

Best of luck to you.

Hi Lilia...pm'd you.

Oh Lilia...geez, we sound so much alike with our Loser ex's who abandon their kids then come around like Disneyland Dad's...

I feel your anger and my stomache is knotting up for you! My Dawn is 12 and she tries to hate the Loser, but one night in the past couple weeks, he said he was visiting. She acted like it was such a drag. In the meantime, she set up all the new American Girl things she got for Christmas in the living room...you know...Molly and Nelly and the table and chairs and the two dolls in their new pajamas...having a tea party...I watched with intrique.

The bastar* never showed (nothing new). My heart was breaking as I watched (but said nothing) as she cleaned up her AG display (of course of all this came from me and MY family over the years and this year, too).

He was here again tonight doing some work in the house that was supposed to be completed by him on June 23rd of 2005...I did a total turnaround. I was so freaking nice to him. Prior to his arrival, I told the kids, "Look, I actually hate the rat bastar*, but I'm working on it...and I can say whatever I want about him, but you have to respect him because he is your dad." And I was talking to Dawn on my cell last night and had to refer to him (after something else assinine that he did) and was going to say "loser" then stopped myself and called him a "loop"...baby steps...hahahaha

Must've been something you said to me on the phone the other day! That anger just eats us up inside. I look at it this way: When they are older..like 30...they will look back and they will know the truth. Let us both try to take some comfort in this and not let the Losers Extraordinaire be additional cancers to us.

I love you. I do know how you feel and you know it. I will pray that you aren't consumed by this because I know how much it sucks. Baby steps. I know you want to punch the crap out of him. So do I.

Oh, and my LE (Loser Extraordinaire) is now complaining about having to put out $225 up front for his son's MRI! WTF? He should be willing to cut off his, well, any appendage, for his kids.

Try to let it go, as hard as it is. I do understand. Please take care.

Call me anytime...Mena...xo

PS: I really like what Gerbie said about negative behavior. I can learn from that, too, hard as it is sometimes when they're such jerks...xo

I certainly don't enjoy having BC but when I think of what you ladies have to deal with, all I can do is admire you...there are some good men and many other good loving relationships in life. Don't dwell on the bad ones; being a good mother is the probably the most important of them all...!

Gerbie,

You sound like a wonderful mom. I agree the more people that love your child the better. You never know where you will be tomorrow and those relationships are important!

LuAnn

Naughty I know you are trying to save your daughter from the pain of having a worthless dad......but as much as you would do anything to rid her of her disappointment and pain not once but over and over again what can you do........letting her know how much you hate him only is going to cause her more pain.....she is going to feel responsible for everyone's unhappiness.....I know.....that is exactly how I have felt my entire life about my mom's hatred for my dad. If I did not know for a fact that my mom did not know how to use a computer I would have sworn that she had written your post above. My parents have been divorced for 39 yrs......I had breakfast with my mom this morning and she did nothing but talk about how my dad is the devil and that he has us all fooled etc....I know my dad exactly and he doesn't have my brother or I fooled about anything...we just know his limitions and let it go......life is just to short. You also said that this anger is about your daughter....Naughty it is soooooo about you.......until you let this dry rot(ex) go you are going to let this anger eat you up alive.......

Naughty, I feel every ounce of your pain. The straw that broke the camel's back with me was when I got pregnant after 2 yrs Eric was born. The ex said if I wanted to keep it I had to get a divorce, if I wanted to stay married I had to have an abortion. i do not believe in abortion as a means of birth control, and God knows it is not a topic to get into here, but those choices were not viable for me. I was so stressed out that the docs think that is why I miscarried. When they did the D & E, they found evidence of twins! That would have been something!

I left 8 months later because I had a breakdown because of it. I was on a lot of antidepressants and had trouble taking care of Eric and trying to work. did he suggest I take time off to heal and he would work extra hours at his 2nd job? Nope, he quit the 2nd one instead which meant I had to work more hours.

The problems are between the two adults. I used ot fume and spew and scream and yell at him. It was a waste of time and energy. It doesn't help you now, but this past year Eric is finally seeing what a jerk his father can be. he even tells me about it. But I cannot deny him seeing his father. For some reason he loves the rat bastard. As he gets older, he has been making his own decisions of when he wants to go over there, even if it is his dad's weekend. i try not to be in the ex's compnay when he is picking eric up.

you need to be supportive of Jade no matter what and surround her with people who care. I apparently have made an impact on Eric over the years. he is concerned about my impending surgery and has asked about my "new boobies" and has questions about the technical aspect of the surgery. he has grown up to be a caring, loving and inquisitive child. He reads constantly and not magazines like his father but real books, like Moby Dick and harry Potter. You can influence Jade and have her turn out to be a well-adjusted young lady. She needs to be able to bond with her father if she wants to. If you don't want to be in the same with her father, walk quietly away. I knwo it is hard, and it took me several years to get there. i am jsut trying to have you come to the same place I have gotten without the turmoil I went through.

Make sure her school knows what is going on in her life with this so they can inform you of changes in her behavior that can signal a red flag that she is having problems. The schools will help as much as they can. I know this because Eric is getting extra help since he does not hanlde all of it well.

Maybe this anger is really about your failure to recognize that because someone becomes a parent does not mean that all of a sudden they will change and become a caring and loving husband and father. Just maybe this is about a woman that truly loved a man and really thought she could change him and when she realized that was just a dream and no matter how hard she tried and how much she loved him it just was not enough.................maybe this is what the anger is about or maybe not......just a thought

hey lilia - as you know, i raised two girls pretty much by myself. it is a little different for me, because i think my ex is basically a good person overall and has tried to be a good dad in best way HE thought he could.... but for years we have gotten into major issues about boundaries, child support payments, respect, and sometimes just sound judgement.

when i would see unhealthy emotional stuff happening with my kids, i would become enraged and get into major blowouts with him. at the time it felt righteous. but when i think back about those venomous years i see how much damage it did not only to me by being furious, but to my kids.

yeah, it's really hard to take it when i am the one paying for the prom dress and the limo and he shows up in time to be in the pictures. or i am paying for the dance lessons and driving them to practices in the snow and he shows up for the recital or the play(and then to be in more pictures). as a matter of fact, if you look back in the picture albums, there he is everywhere, and you would think they didn't have a mother (cause i am the one taking all the damn pictures!). it's hard not to say anything, and i am ashamed to say sometimes i did not keep my mouth shut during those special times and let my anger show through. in retrospect, just made it harder for them.

but the interesting part is i have found that when each of the kids hit about age 16, they suddenly found their voices and were able to finally articulate their own internalized anger to him without me being the self-designated spokesperson for those perceived injustices. i no longer felt the need to be their emotional protector. they were finally able to assess for themselves who he was and the nature of their relationship with him and then decide for themselves if they wanted to see him, confide in him, accept his stuff.

it became their responsibility and suddenly i felt a tremendous burden lifted from me. now, if he disappoints them somehow, they are philosophical about it and say "you know, it's dad, that's how he is". or,if they get annoyed with him it's their problem. they either chose to see him or not, talk to him on the phone or not, get angry and complain about him or not. they don't have to feel guilty if they have a good time because they are with him either, which they sometimes did because they knew i was angry. and actually their relationship with him is probably better than it has been in years.

having met jade a few times, it is clear she is a very together kid and i think she will be able to figure it out. of course his abandonment and irresponsibility is going to hurt, and that is something she will need to come to grips with and deal with in her life - and she will...if my kids are any barometer of that, just wait a few years!

as far as letting this guy in your house - he can pick her up and drop her off in the driveway! there is no reason he has to come in the door and send you running to your room behind slammed doors! this is your home and he needs to respect your boundaries. you can make this clear to him and also explain to jade. my ex used to come to pick up the kids and use the bathroom, borrow my cd's, open the refrigerator......i hated it and i used to keep quiet about it thinking it was the right thing to do but feeling terribly intruded upon. once i put my foot down about that, it was a lot less violating.

i never thought i would have seen the day, but after 15 years i finally let him in the house for dinner a few months ago. and it was OK.

jeesh, nothing is easy is it? anyway, you are doing a terrific job, she is the sweetest kid and you can tell very, very loved. she knows you are the one she can count on, always. just rise above it the best you can. i would be more concerned that she was safe (driving, etc.) when she was with him. the other stuff, she will figure out on her own.

(((( ))))
denisa