Need Some Advice - Sex is ruining my marriage

KSeaman, similar to you and got the same issues except somehow my husband is very accepting of it - won't go into too much detail here and I feel so bad sometimes that I'm like this but it's been like this now for a good few years and we just manage. Lots of emotions went on around the whole fact, probably more for me than for him as I wondered how he could deal with it and how he could be so accepting. We are crazy in love still.

It's good that you're going for counselling as you both need to know where you stand and you need to know what his stance is about it all and then go from there as to how you can work it out. It's so hard having to deal with the diagnosis and then any side effects that may result from it.

Thinking of you.

K, I understand completely. We had a wonderful sex life before cancer came knocking. For me, the loss of estrogen is a direct blow to my libido. And since switching to letrozole, I've been even lower, depressed and tired. I love my husband so much, but sex just isn't the same. So, we try for different opportunities that aren't at night when I'm already asleep. We have three kids so that isn't always easy. And I will say that coconut oil has been very helpful to get rid of the painful side of things. It's good that you tried counseling. Perhaps you haven't found the right counselor. Consider working with someone who knows BC or cancer patients. Good luck to you- you're not alone.

Experiencing similar here. DH just put it out there that by not even trying to make something happen and just expecting it to come roaring back that I was being selfish. At first I was very offended and upset and felt like he was being selfish. Look what I'm dealing with! But then, look what he is dealing with - terrified of losing his partner in life, watching everything The woman he'd give his life for is going through, the new responsibilities he's had to take on that I used to do, feeling completely helpless, worried that if he holds me too hard he'll unintentionally hurt me, feeling quite alone. He's been through a lot too. He explained he'd been very patient and understanding for months on end (this is 100% accurate- he has taken absolutely wonderful care of me -I'm super independent and picky so that's no easy feat - and has done everything he can to make things easier. I truly couldn't ask for better.) And it is true that in practically every other aspect of my life I was pretty well recovered. Except for this one (well and sleeping on my stomach if I'm being 100% honest). We discussed how drained I often am when I come home from work and he had a very good question- if work is worth the effort, is our relationship not? Point well made. I realized I was looking at things somewhat wrong-my job could let me go tomorrow and they wouldn't think twice. I could find a new one to replace it. But my family, my DH, that is a different story and he does deserve some of that effort and energy.He had also taken the time to do some research on this topic. His research basically was spot on. In a nutshell:

Non-sexual intimacy needs to be maintained - this is more than the peck good bye in the morning leaving for work and the hello peck when you come home. This is snuggling in bed, holding one another, lingering hugs, lingering kisses, etc. if you haven't already read it together with your husband, the book The 5 Love Languages can be very helpful with this. If you've already read it, a recap might be helpful as stressors can make us not as cognizant.

Recognize that it will take me much longer to even start to feel the sexual spark, patience on both sides is required during sexual intimate interludes.

Building the feelings up throughout the day can help (naughty notes, texts, short conversations) - basically helping get into the right frame of mind.

Watch a sexually stimulating movie to help get in the mood. Unlike men, women are not typically visual creatures so porn doesn't usually work for us. However, movies or pics that are more romance oriented and that make you feel/tug on your varied emotions can be very helpful in getting you going. And you don't necessarily have to watch it with your DH.

Read sexually stimulating literature. For most women, their imagination is their best friend when it comes to getting in the mood. It can also be a great way to escape the complexities that make up our lives at that time and allow us to temporarily be the woman we want to be.

There are a lot of hang ups about sex and what's appropriate and what is not. The reality is that everything in the bedroom that happens behind closed doors between 2 adults consenting to the acts that bring both partners sexual pleasure is acceptable. That can be hard to wrap our heads around especially for women who are taught from a young age that we need to be "good girls" and good girls don't do this and good girls don't do that... Be more open minded to different forms of stimulation. What used to work may not work anymore. Explore new ways of stimulation. Make sure the bedroom is a no judgment zone-if you've always done missionary and one of you would like to try reverse cowgirl or oral stimulation they should feel comfortable bringing it up and the partner should be willing to give it a try. Trying new things can be extremely arousing all on its own. What's the worst that could happen?

Toys have come a long way.Just a small vibrating bullet can completely change things in the bedroom. A simple blindfold/sleep mask can help pull your mind from the stressors of the present and transport it to the intimate sensual world. A feather wand (looks like a miniature feather duster) can present a whole new world of sensations (especially when you take away vision and can just focus on sensations) that can be sexually stimulating when used on practically every body part (not just the "naughty zones") For women it's pretty much all about sensation. Toys can be a great tool to assist with stimulation.

Explore sex therapy options in your area. This is far different from marriage counseling and is a growing trend in many areas across the US. Your primary care Dr can often help with some names.

Take a trip with just each other (no kids) where you focus on yourselves and pleasuring each other. Not sex 24/7. But intimacy and romance 24/7 with some sex thrown in. No worries of being interrupted/walked in on. No worries of soccer practice, school schedules, etc. No work interruptions. No drama - just you and DH. You'd be amazed how therapeutic a trip or two like this a year can be. If either of you have a hard time winding down from the stressors of everyday life then you probably need to take a trip that's longer than just a weekend. A week once a year can make a huge difference in your sex life as well as your everyday married life. Ifyou're like me and my DH and you worry about money the whole time you're on vacation, go to an all inclusive resort where your wallet isn't being pulled out every time you turn around.

I hope this helps! It's helped us a great deal.

Keetmom, Ouch ouch! There's something doctors don't warn you about. Cancer sucks.