Not having sex

Options
justamy
justamy Member Posts: 532
edited August 2017 in Sex & Relationship Matters

Its been 2 years since my bilateral masectomy. I chose reconstruction and have had 3 attempts of reconstruction. My PS says they are great but I am still very unhappy with both the size and shape. Anyway, my husband has been really supportive since day 1. He saw my incision line the day after my surgery and has always said only good things. We have not had sex very frequently, however. It's been months this time. The thing is neither of us want sex but I feel like we should. I know I feel like I am less of a woman now. I know that's not true in my head, but I feel diminished. My breasts were so important to our sex life. Now he never touches these foobs. I'm not sure if I want him to and I'm sure he's just as confused. How do you deal with this stuff? We are very in love and have been married 25 years.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • wallycat
    wallycat Member Posts: 3,227
    edited August 2017

    Two consenting adults, in love, not harming anyone around them nor themselves...what makes you both happy is what is appropriate. There are no "shoulds" as far as I am concerned. If you have discussed this and are both on the same page about it, then enjoy your love and closeness and stop worrying what you ought to be doing. If one of you is not happy about the lack of sex, that should be a discussion issue.


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • 3bears
    3bears Member Posts: 254
    edited August 2017

    Justamy-- I am going through the same sort of thing. I had a bilateral mastectomy in January . I was supposed to get immediate reconstruction but there were complications . So I have been without breasts since January 10. It's hard. Our sex life has gone on, but it's not anywhere as good. The other night my husband told me he misses boobs . That's why he hasn't been interested in 2 1/2 weeks. I am getting tissue expanders put in four weeks from now . I hope that having boobs again will help.

    I like the advice both you ladies gave KB870 and wallycat. We love each other very much and have been married 21 years. I think we will find a way to be happy justamy. Know you are not alone. Hugs

    3Bears


    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • PerAngusta
    PerAngusta Member Posts: 112
    edited August 2017

    My husband and I have not had sex in three years (since the date of my bilateral mastectomy). We were 46 and 48 the last time we had sex together!!! We've been happily married for 25 years and our intimacy has NOT SUFFERED OR MISSED A BEAT! Penetration? Now, that's a different story. I have just completed and endured an 18 month assault upon my whole person....I need time and I need healing. My poor body!!!! He may have sexual needs that I am not meeting due to vaginal atrophy and to that I would say......"oh well!". Perhaps I am "old school" but when we were young....I made him wait years before sex!!! And he didn't explode (even though he did try to tell me that it was possible!!! lol). I am taking all of this one step at a time....on my terms...in my own way. I am not suffering from a lack of confidence or sudden lack of interest in him, I simply feel GREAT PAIN DURING PENETRATION and am not willing to endure it at this time. I still feel like, I've endured too much, to date!!! Likewise, I am not willing to ingest, insert, freeze or compromise (even small amounts of estrogen) my health and/or well-being (emotional or physical) so that we can experience penetration again. We are realistic. EVERYTHING HAS CHANGED. We can either find a way to move forward with ALL OF THIS or we can crush ourselves trying to pretend that all is "as it once was". I think the hardest part about this bc experience is accepting - you can never be the same again and that is okay!!! With or without breast cancer - your partner loves you for you!! With or without breast cancer....you BOTH would have changed anyway, your sex life would have changed, anyway. Maybe extend a little kindness to......yourself. Get excited about all the NEW THINGS you will invent together as partners in love - and if penetration isn't in the picture for a while (or if ever) OH WELL!!!! There are so many things that I have lost to this illness and could lose yet!!! Sex was super fun but just like my breasts - never, ever, no matter how much money or tears I spend....going to be the same again!! I stomp my foot (but not too hard because my friggin bones are brittle now!!!) and pout a little but I SHAKE IT OFF!!! I will figure out other ways to bring fun and excitement and happiness back into my life/our lives!!! Humour and honesty helps!!! A long time ago, I watched a movie (Austin Powers) and loved this line......"Preparations A through G have NOT WORKED FOR US SO FAR.....so we're going to try Preparation H next!!!" Yes, this whole thing is a royal pain in the BLANK.......But, we can get through it with patience, humour, love and support. Right? PM me if you wish to discuss further. It's been three yeas for us - and we're still going strong!!! :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories