Will my dog be the only one who looks at me the same?

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GreenEyes81
GreenEyes81 Member Posts: 389

I have been strong, positive and confident. But the closer that surgery comes the more scared I am. I am not scared of the surgery and not so much of the cancer.

I am far more scared of having a mental break down at the hospital that I want to hide. Very few people have ever looked past my boobs. As I sit here, my only thought is my dog will still love me unconditionally.

Those that are ahead of the game, thank you for sharing your stories. They give me hope.

I am going from a normal Pap smear to cancer, to a one sided mastectomy in 24 days. I am trying to keep up.

Comments

  • Brightness456
    Brightness456 Member Posts: 340
    edited August 2017

    Oh dear, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I think I understand at least somewhat. The fear of losing our figures is valid. And if your breasts were something people noticed regularly about you, then of course a mastectomy scares you.

    Someone suggested to me recently that this ordeal might as well bring emotional growth since I can't make it magically stop. I'm trying to see this as a chance to redefine myself based more on my inner self and less on my outer self, but I'll be honest. This sucks. It just does. Still, I'm going to try to focus more on my inner beauty as my outward appearance changes. I figure I really don't have any other option. One thing I did recently was to cut my hair short so if I need chemo and I lose it, the shock will hopefully be less intense. Who knows if it will help, but I'm trying to do all I can to mentally prepare.

    I wish I could say something to make you feel better. I feel like my words are inadequate though.

  • beach2beach
    beach2beach Member Posts: 996
    edited August 2017

    I think that is a big part of it, how quick it all happened. I went from a Mammo on July 5th to scheduled for a BMX on August 6th. A whirlwind and to try to get your mind wrapped around it is pretty darn hard. I don't have more than an A- cup. ;) but i've always felt that awkwardness of not having enough. Now that this happened, for me its all about survival. I'm sure you are a beautiful person on the inside and out. If others can't see past the boobs, well, that really is their problem. I know it's easy to say. I'm scheduled for recon at same time but I keep going back and forth with the fears regarding it.

    I don't have much in the way of helpful words either. I know for sure I will be having a breakdown at the hospital though. I'm still hung up on the what if's and the what else is going to happen. We will get through this.

    Stay strong.

  • cive
    cive Member Posts: 709
    edited August 2017

    Thank heavens for unconditional doggy love!


  • pupmom
    pupmom Member Posts: 5,068
    edited August 2017

    I hope you are totally wrong about that. My husband's only wish was that I survived. He didn't even want me to go through reconstruction, because every surgery involves a risk. Please don't underestimate your support system!

  • carmstr835
    carmstr835 Member Posts: 388
    edited August 2017

    I was fine before surgery, then after surgery the first time I saw my chest without the breast binder, it was devestating. I did cry. My son tried to consol me and so did the nurse, but after that I have been fine, it was just the shock and it was the 3rd day post op I was still under lots of narcotics. Make sure you have support the first time you see yourself.

    I was a DD before my bilateral mastectomy (March 28th, 2017). I am completely flat and did not get prosthetics until 2 weeks ago. I went only where I needed to go, but everyone noticed, of course. I bought some sport bras to wear that gave me some definition in the breast area. I was fine if I was around strangers. I now have my prosthetics, but they hurt my chest. I can wear them for a few hours, and I have, but I have pretty much gotten used to the flat and not wearing a bra at all. I don't know if I will have reconstruction in the future, but right now, I prefer to just be flat if I am around strangers, and when I must go out in public where I will see acquaintances, I can wear my prosthetics for a short time. I have 2 sets, one is silicone and very heavy, the other is microbeads, but still too much to wear for long periods of time.

  • KCMC
    KCMC Member Posts: 208
    edited August 2017

    I understand how you feel I went from a Double D to an A. I did a double mastectomy with DIEP Flap Reconstruction. My good friend who is a nurse told me that I should take a look at the results before I came home from the hospital. I am glad I did because I think the nurses are also prepared to help you emotionally. Everything around me has changed, I have two young sons one 10 and one 13 and I can't believe how compassionate, brave and understanding they are. My community has been outstanding and so helpful. I have always been just wrapped up in myself because my husband just retired a year ago from 32 years in the military. Despite how I feel about my self image - and I know that will change I am overwhelmed by all the help I am getting. This too was a problem for me I was always self sufficient helping everyone else. I try to focus on all the good around me. Good Luck with your surgery and you will feel better about yourself. I actually am beginning to like my small boobs no more staring lol! Clothes look much better on me. Most importantly I have a different outlook on life and I felt the same way you did at the beginning.

  • ravzari
    ravzari Member Posts: 277
    edited August 2017

    I went from a DD to flat and, honestly, nobody noticed unless I pointed it out and I work with primarily men, so I figured EVERYONE would notice (not necessarily SAY anything, but at least notice).

    They knew I was out for surgery but most didn't know for what (though I told the team I was on and told them why it was being done) and either nobody legitimately noticed or they were polite enough not to point it out.

    Honestly, I kind of had fun pointing it out myself after I got back just to see the double takes after they got the okay to look at my flat chest--with my shirt on, obviously, I wasn't flashing my bare chest at work. ;)

    My husband doesn't view me any differently either, primarily because he married me because he loves me as a whole person and not just the fact that I had big boobs. He was always more concerned about hurting me while touching the surgical site while I was healing than he was about looks, and he's never complained about how I look with or without a top on.

  • GreenEyes81
    GreenEyes81 Member Posts: 389
    edited August 2017

    thank you all. I'm trying to remind myself it's about my health not looks. I know 99% of it is just in my head. I'm also larger, DD. Thinking I'm going to look quite lopsided for a while. Also started wondering if it'll even fix the problem. Could get one cut off and still have cancer, still go through all the rest of it. Makes me want to asked to chop the other off just so it's all even and I know my family and kids will never go through this again.

    It's getting very real.

  • Artista928
    Artista928 Member Posts: 2,753
    edited August 2017

    I was DD as well and opted for bmx with recon. Couldn't be happier with my smaller perkier implants. For me mentally I couldn't do a unx with no recon. Have you considered recon? How you feel about yourself is important. If you are ok with umx with no recon then that's great. And pets are the bomb, better than humans in that there are 0 expectations and they love you no matter what.

  • GreenEyes81
    GreenEyes81 Member Posts: 389
    edited August 2017

    I am planning on recon later. My doctor does not agree that when he is doing the masectomy that is the time for reconstruction when there is a good chance I will be starting chemo/radiation in a few weeks. So in the meantime, trying to be patient. :)

  • inccmd
    inccmd Member Posts: 69
    edited August 2017

    Dogs are wonderful! And you might just be surprised at who becomes your biggest supporters through all this. There are wonderful people out thee with big hearts that help you through it. My family has been great and those surprise friends as well as some tried & true have boosted me up. May it happen to you too.

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