Are you frank with strangers about your cancer?

I am very open with those I know, even at work, but not with those I casually encounter. I look as I always did, so trying to explain that I have MBC is too complicated.

Although I would be tempted to set them straight, I don't bother. I have the same issues closer to home. My immediate family still thinks that I am going to beat this and live a long happy life. My parents recently asked me if I would be the backup executor of their will. I wanted to laugh but just said yes. My parents and siblings (all six of them) don't seem to get that I am going to die. They tell me they can't wait until I don't have to take treatment any more, ask why am I not having more kids right now, etc. I have very directly told them why - "I will be lucky to be on treatment because that means I will be alive" and "I am not having kids because of my short life expectancy" and give them the 5-year survival percentage stats, noting that eventually, everyone with this dies. Nothing seems to sink in. If there is no hope for my family (all very bright, down to earth, practical people), what hope is there for the random person off the street?!

Illimae, you've hit a nerve..... My close friends are good - have adopted my 'live with passion and in the moment' attitude. JFL, I can relate - my mom keeps talking about five, ten, twenty years from now. Mom! - I don't know if I'll ever meet my grandkids! (I don't have any and won't for years). Stop with this talk!! I don't say any of that because I know this is super tough on her. What irks me is being The Tragedy - which happens when running into acquaintances or when hanging out with groups of people. (I'm 49 BTW)

If explaining I say 'I have terminal cancer' - which everyone gets and I don't have to explain about stages. I don't want to be a downer though. It's as though I've accepted it - but the rest of the world is really struggling with the idea.

But to answer your question - yeah, in that kind of situation I just go with "thanks".....

I get the " you look so healthy", all the time! A few weeks ago, a friend told me I looked like s#%&t and I thanked her because that was how I felt at the time. People just don't want to know. It makes them uncomfortable.

Now I just say thanks and go on.

Hugs and prayers

Claudia

It must be some ancient weird bonding ritual. You have cancer?..........Oh let me tell you about everyone I have ever heard of who died a horrible painful death from cancer. Pregnant women get the same type of thing..........Oh yes, the baby was 25 pounds and they made her have a natural birth, blah blah blah

I don't always succeed but I try to look at intentions and odds of repetition and take it from there. Granted right now it's mostly based on Lymphedema sleeves since Xeloda kept my hair but looks like I'll probably need to deal with this a lot more starting in the next few weeks (done with Xeloda, moving to Gemzar and Taxol).

For someone I won't likely see again or at least not often who tells me I'll beat this or tells me how they (or anyone they've ever heard of) beat "this" I try to take is as sort of generalized warm wishes and say thank you or I hope so.  Inwardly I may laugh at how someone should explain it to them but not me cause I'm stage iv and don't have the time, but I know they mean well.

For some of the crackpot things my mom says (what is it with our moms?) I'll be more blunt about the facts because my real life is going to happen around her whether she wants it to or not.

I've never had to deal with someone like the KFC guy, so I don't know how I'd handle that--I hope I'd respond with compassion and focus on how much that person seems to be hurting that they're looking for opening to let it out from *bald women in cars ordering chicken* (sheesh!)--but some days I know it would be an effort to remind myself to think that way and other days when I've just had enough I know that's even less likely to happen.

At least we have each other to "get it" with us, thank goodness!

I mostly keep it to myself unless someone close to me really has some genuine questions. Then I will be frank to a point. When I start feeling intruded upon I try to think of an easy exit line. Or when someone feels they have to tell me a "gloom and doom" story" I just put up the hand with a fake smile and says thank you for that. If I am not going to see strangers again I just say Thank you. Most people do not want to talk about the gritty details....Things will get more challenging soon as I will be losing my hair although I will probably "wig Out" for awhile until I get used to the new normal..

In my case, it depends. I have been very open with friends, neighbors and colleagues but then it's hard to hide. I lost my hair with my first treatment after diagnosis and hate wigs so it's pretty obvious. With strangers I often nod politely unless they really annoy me.

I had a situation with the new manager at Weight Watchers (that's another question, why I continue to weigh in religiously as a lifetime member when I've already lost more than ten pounds in the last six months). She clearly had also gone through treatment for early stage BC and kept going on and on comparing our situations, how she didn't like wigs, what she wore when it was hot, etc. She was relentless and when she finally started in with the whole bit about the fact that I just need to take care of myself and get better I kind of snapped. I stopped as I was going out the door and said "You do know that getting better is not an option for me?" She looked like I had kicked her and I know I should have had more empathy but I also felt that as a manager of a business with a largely female clientele she needed some sense knocked into her. Not my finest moment but I'm not sure I totally regret it

It all depends on how you want to spend your energy. If you feel led to explain mbc, then do it. Other times, it is not worth the effort to go into details.

I feel I have outlived statistics, so I am not going to go on to others about being terminal. Many people look at terminal as less than three years or a year to live.

For the random people who say things like, you will beat this, I would give a half smile and simply say "Thank you for your kind words." Then I would change the subject: "What is the amount of the bill for repairs?" "Do you do oil changes?" "What does a tune up cost?" It lets people know you don't want the cancer conversation to go further.

It is not easy for other people to comprehend the fear and anxiety that began at diagnosis in 2011 not knowing how I would respond to treatment. They are just seeing it from the six years looking back. Few or no people grasp how a stage iv diagnosis changes your perception of life, your approach to life, how it puts you on a completely different trajectory than people around you, a different trajectory than what you envisioned for your life just the day before diagnosis. I had no way to know I would have this many years with mbc. It is one of those things you cannot understand unless you have lived it.

At this point, I take the cancer stories others tell me in stride. However, the first year I was dx, when working with a young woman who'd been diagnosed with bc a year before me, a co-worker started telling us two about a relative's hard luck cancer story. The young woman said, "Look, she (meaning me) and I, we don't want to hear these stories. They do not help us." The co-worker meant well, but the young woman didn't let her off the hook, and I admired her for it.

depends on my mood really.. only ones with MBC can understand no matter how much detail we tell people, thanks to the wrong ads.

The ill one does not die, the one, whose time is die

This is a popular saying here and after saying I'm stage4, I complete the sentence with it.. a slap on many's faces.

2 of my friends expected me to die died already, before me.

My main issue these days is that My pregnant looking belly confuses people's minds. They ask when the baby is due.. ugh!

I say a month generally, not to explain the MBC crap each time, weirdly most believe it! And yes, it's a boy.

Hugs

Ebr

bump!!!! Let's support Mae and tell her, are we frank or not ?? God knows I am. After what happened to me in Boston market!!! People are so stupid sometimes. They called me my DH's mother!!!! I am five years younger than him. I am 47 and he is 51 almost 52! I am just. Growing my hair back in. Jerks!! My DH went back and gave them a talking too!!! People can be so mean. My self esteem took an even harder hit from that. So annoying,so yesssssss we all should be frank So other won't feel the way I felt this weekend!

Hugs to you Mae~ my sweet friend ~M~

i agree frank is best. That woman from now on will think twice about opening her big ole mouth. Sometimes you never understand anything unless you have walked the walk!! ~M~

Waving hi to Mae

I went into Boston market with my DH one night while I was growing my hair back in. It was in its awkward stages of course and I didn't want to dye it so soon! A woman cashier said. “Oh isn't that nice, your mom taking you out to dinner"? I was crushed and after that no longer hungry! My DH, leaned over and said thanks Mom. And gave me a big sloppy wet kiss on my lips. Then looked at the lady and said nothing. He waited until the store was closing and went back and had a talking to the entire staff about kindness and treating customers with respect and to remember everyone has their struggles! I was humiliated, then the next day, I called my hairdresser, and got my hair done within the very next few days. I don't want that to happen again, if I can help it. People are either wAyyy. Stupid. Or just cruel. If you're not sure don't say anything ! Is the key! Biatch! ~M~ Two weeks later in the mail we got a huge sorry letter with $50 of free meals. I know that didn't. Changewhat happened, at all. But maybe it won't hapoen to someone else again! ~M~