On Looking at Swimsuit Catalogues: Chesty McGraw Here

It happens at the start of every month. My mailbox fills with clothing catalogues, advertising the V-necks, strapless dresses, and swimsuits that used to entice. Venus, Victoria's Secret. The brand names hither and yon.

I had a mastectomy last year. My right breast was removed, amputated really, and now all that's left is something that looks a lot like some strange creature winking at me. Cue the close up gleam: *Ding*.So, you know the story, sisters. Here are all these bikini tops. Here they all are, overflowing on the pages, and we're one (or two) and down. There was never an easy way around my body - everyone's got issues, but a flattened, scarry-lined chest is a pretty big one. I'm forever asymmetrical. I'm a wink, a thub-dub, Droopy the dog with a stroke. I'm silicone and yarn stuffies, double-checking that nothing veers east or west. And every morning is a reminder, every day a slash/burn recovery as I yet again fit the falsie, settling it in like a necessary lie.

I know: no one said it'd be easy, and of course I'm glad to be alive. But the change in my body is taking long to get used to, longer than I thought. The magazines don't help. I look and envy the full, symmetrical bodies, cancer-free and angled just so. I know it's photoshopped, I know the angles hide imperfections. But longing and grief are never rational, and here we are.

I'm 48 and alive. If you're reading this you're alive too. Breasts are breasts: they're not *us*, they're not our selves, but they are/were part and parcel of our bodies and thus a loss. We have the right to mourn them. We also have the right to throw the catalogues in the recycling bin.

You know what else? We also have the right to effing *swim.*

I didn't reconstruct. I wear a men's UPF board shirt (for sun protection) and trunks. I used to wear a 1-piece with trunks anyway. It's comfortable.

I wear swimsuits - but not bikinis (or Daisy Dukes) any more but that is about my age (71) not my UMX. For swimsuits, I wear tankinis now. Every now and then I find a halter in the stores I like and wear around the house/yard or when we go fishing, camping, hking, etc. I find my swimsuits in all sorts of stores. I find ones with removable push-up pads so they have a pocket for my pros already. If I find one I really like but no pocket, I just sew one in.

Like Freya, my UMX was in '09 but was 63 then. I did not do recon. I have chosen to wear my pros. basically at all times. That is what is 'right' FOR ME but not for everyone. Just as my 'passions' and hobbies are not right for everyone. I love flyfishing/fishing, riding (our horses and my bicycle), tatting, leather carving, flint knapping, mowing grass among other things.

If the catalogs are depressing - immediately/before opened relagate them to the 'round file' (garbage).

Scars - as far as how they 'look' - my 2 C-section scars are a lot 'nastier' than my UMX line. (I had a great surgeon for UMX). I have 3 scars on my arm from skin tears that are definitely not 'nice'. The worst is actually from the 'sticky' part of a huge bandaide that tore the skin off when I was treating a smaller skin tear I got from my Bunny. Oh well. Such is life and I'll take life over the alternative.

Putting my pros. in my bra (or swimsuit) is not a 'necessity' to LIVE. It is what I believe if 'right' for me. I put it in it's pocket, put on bra and that's it - nothing to think about as far as I'm concerned. Others are different as to what is 'right' for them. There is no one best way to handle anything in life for all because ALL are not the same. We have to do what is best for us individually - not what anyone else says is 'the way to go'.

"To thine own self be true."

I thought I was the only one that loves to now grass - silly me.

My love of mowing goes back to the summer I turned 16. My mare was getting a bit older as she was gotten for me before I was born. G-Dad and GG-Mom (his Mom) had started searching for my first horse as soon as they knew I was on the way so I had a made when I was born. I found a gelding that I thought was fantastic (he was). Parents wouldn't buy him for me but told me as long as I made the money to buy him that was fine. So the best way I could figure to make money was to go around the neighborhood and get yards to now. It worked, I had my Muchsker bought by the end of summer. So every time I mow it brings back good memories.

Now after so many years - it's just fun to me. Oh - summer after surgery I was out mowing my yard and some (explitives) from nearby Church came over and told me I shouldn't have to be out mowing my yard with BC. Chased them off that day. But they came back a week or 2 later and brought their Pastor and decided to attack Hubby (who was doing the weed-eating which I hate doing) for FORCING me to do the mowing. I had to tell them I was calling the Police before they would leave.

Jojo, don't lose your sense of humour, it's the absurdity that gets you through some days.

Kicks, We had almost the same thing happen. My first time with chemo, about the third cycle, I was bald but feeling good. DH was out, so I decided to mow. We were living in town then, so only an average size yard. I was mowing the front when DH came home, and as he was getting out of the car, some random person driving past stopped and started abusing him for making me mow. When he threatened to punch DH I told him where to go. I stuck to mowing the back yard after that until my hair grew back.

We live on acreage now and I find it relaxing to putter around on the ride on mower.