The Hermit Club

Well been missing for a while as finding it harder and harder to keep going as I am . Copying my post in the REcon fórum below to update you all, I do read posts but have nothing to offer as I really wonder if it is worth the daily struggle........

Long story short, still not reconstructed, on waiting list for DIEP via public system but did not think I was evaluated well enough. So I went for a private consult today and guess what? A DIEP is IMPOSSIBLE for me due to prior scarring and insufficient tissue, all things I pointed out to and asked questions about during public health PS assessment......

So my ONLY options are nothing, prosthesis, or Lat Dorsi and prosthesis ALL with a further reduction on my remaining breast......NEVER EVER will I have what I wanted, NEVER EVER will I feel relatively normal again, my only choices are all things I don´t want, have never wanted or are not suitable for me for various reasons..............and I will look ridiculous if I go any smaller with my remaining breast - I honestly cannot find words for how I feel, I cried all the way home and am still crying now.  I struggle to find reasons to keep going as everyday is such damn hard work since BC.........

And that public health BITCH of a surgeon just added me to a waiting list no doubt hoping I would be one of those who died first......it is inhumane and my nightmare just deepened today.....she could have just looked at me as a human being and bothered to aSsess me properly 32 MONTHS AGO........

Sorry if this sounds self pitying but I HATE how I am, I HATE being mutilated, I HATE silicone, especially the feel of the prosthesis and now I find I will NEVER feel even remotely normal again

Lily, I am so sorry for what you are going through and you have every right to feel all that right now but I have to say we all HATE CANCER!! However, I know it's hard to believe but you will eventually be somewhat ok with all this. I had reconstruction with a silicone implant 20+ years ago and it has not been a bed of roses. There are lots of things that can go wrong with any reconstruction. I hear of so many women who had the DIEP procedure and that also has many complications. I wore a silicone prosthesis for 5 years before my reconstruction and I didn't like it one bit but if I had it to do over again I'm not sure I would, knowing what I know now.

I will pray that you can find some peace with this but I also think you should see if you can get some antidepressants to help you for awhile. Is there a support group you can attend? I think interaction with others will help and not just an online group, although that helps too when you just can't face anyone.

You will be in my prayers. 🙏🏻😍

Hi Lily:

What you have been thru is exhausting so no wonder you feel worn out and disheartened. The medical system and other people who have not been thru what you have just don't get it I believe. The system and others on this road have left me feeling like I don't matter or am insignificant too. I want to be whole again or the same as I was before and I want help with that and want my doctors or "experts" to do something. But sometimes they can't I'm learning. Its grief I am dealing with then. I will never be the same after breast cancer and neither will any of us. Its a fact. But I know that I do matter still and my life does make a difference. No boobs or not. Disfigured or not. And so does yours Lily.

Take care of yourself. Nurture yourself. You are not alone.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

wallan.

Faith- sending you much love about the late reoccurrence. I am almost to my five year mark, but know that does not mean anything either. Just one milestone in the process with all this stuff.

So many people I know think I am "done with cancer" having made it through and recovering from treatment (and yes that took awhile). Many think the five years is a magical finish line for any of us with reoccurrence. It is hard for others to understand what we go through, and that cancer may never really be done with us. I have known a few people who have had late reoccurrences as you have friend.

You have a wonderful attitude of gratitude for all the good times you have been able to have. No matter what the future holds for any of us, it is good to be grateful for what we do have.

Jazzygirl, thank you so much for your kind words. I really hesitated to talk about my reoccurrence of BC since it is so discouraging to hear for so many of you who have had this battle and believe its over. For many, it really is over and I hate to put that thought of doom in your heads, but it's my reality and we just learn to live with it. The good news is that because it took so long to return it means it's slow growing and I can probably grow old enough to die of something else. It's never over till it's over and as many of you have found out, unless you've lived this battle you really don't know what it's all about. We just have to trust in God that all will be well.

Mommyof2, never give up. My grandmother had BC in 1937, a reoccurrence in 1960 and lived into her late 80's until 1986. She didn't die of BC either. So, there's always hope. Those thoughts keep me going.

Hugs and prayers,

Faith

Mommy- I am very sorry to hear about your reoccurrence. I hope it is local and can be taken care of so you can continue on and enjoy life. Your kitties and your DH need you! Keep us posted and we are here for you.

Mommy- resting is good, but if you are heading in for a biopsy, or surgery, etc., then I understand your need to feel ready for that at home. I cleaned like crazy before my surgeries. I forgot about the dog too. We are rooting for you to come through all this nicely!

A soggy July!

I did manage to take some pics between rain drops.

Not feral cat Cinnamon! ;o))

BBL

Lookforward, lovely pics.

I've never tasted Saskatoon compote. I'm sure delicious!

Deer nipped off the tops of sunflowers in the (V) garden. (

I just remembered to go outside and pick up the feral cat food dishes............ skunk.

I tip toed back inside and shut the doors and windows. ;o))

Teka- you are good to feed feral cats. I used to have an outdoor cat back east and raccoons would come at night for leftovers

Raining heavily this afternoon into the evening. We need the moisture bad, but with so much, flash flooding around too! Staying in tonight!

I would like to thank everyone for their kind support over the years, I don´t really have anything to offer anymore, I feel very selfish, but wprn out.....what is life without hope¿

Take care everyone, hope you all find happier times

Lilly- please stay with us here. We care about you and know things are hard. You don't have to feel you have to do anything for us, just be here with us and share so we can listen and be your friend. We care!

Lilly- I know you were seeing a therapist at one point. Have you talked to this person about your feelings? We understand how much the system has failed you where you live.

Lily, I have no words of wisdom for you but my heart aches to hear your pain. You are in my prayers. Please try to hang in there. I honestly believe you will eventually feel somewhat normal. We are more than our boobs.

Faith (in the future).