My sister

Carol_D · January 2007

This is something that has bugged me and I don't think anyone can really help but I wanted to get it off my chest.

My sister, who is 10 years older than I am (now 54) has never had a mammogram, even after I was diagnosed with BC two years ago. I tried to *gently* advise her that she is now at increased risk, with a sister who has it, but she believes it's all in God's hands and that HE will protect her. She is deeply religious and I feel that her faith has skewed her judgment. I am not particularly religious and I can't help but feel she must think in some way that that's why I got BC. Of course she prayed for me and she told me that she "knows" I'm going to be ok (because her pastor, who has a direct line to God, apparently, told her so).

I believe that God gave us the intelligence and the tools to take care of ourselves -- to wit, get our checkups, have our screenings, etc. -- but it falls on deaf ears. I know there is no way I can make her go get checked out so that's why I think nothing can change her mind.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Even my mother recognizes what's changed in our family and she has gone and gotten herself thoroughly checked out, including other medical procedures like colonoscopy and cholesterol, but my sister is too stubborn.

I hold on to the hope that she is going to be ok, that my cancer was just a "fluke" and that there isn't going to be a family wide epidemic (wry smile) but it doesn't erase my fears about her stubborn refusal to look after herself.

By the way, she lives over 1000 miles away so I can't go kidnap her and drag her to a mammogram.

cowgirl · January 2007

Carol my heart goes out to you. While it is not the same thing, I had deeply religious friends tell me not to get genetic testing, that fate is fate. That God had designed each life and I am not trusting God. My response was that my children should have an opportunity to be pro active, but trust me when I say they never understood my take on it.

As a survivor you have this cleared view of BC, you know it first hand, your sister does not. If she did she would understand. That being said, I don't see any way of you reasoning with her that would not insult her faith. I know it is difficult to understand or accept but she has chosen this journey. Hopefully she will awaken to a real opening and you all will be okay.

All my support goes to you now.

Carol_D · January 2007

Thank you for your reply. You're absolutely right; there is little I can do or say at this point. I forgot to add in my post that she saw our cousin die of breast cancer the summer before I was diagnosed. This was a cousin who had gone to the same church as she had. And I'm not saying it's the church's fault, or religion's fault. Clearly, my sister feels protected and that's her reality.

Anyway, thanks again.

cowgirl · January 2007

Sometimes you get the feeling, that is the way they cope best, Carol. I will pray for her and you as you go through this.

Chrysalis · January 2007

Hi Carol,

Although my sister is not religious like yours, I can certainly relate to this kind of behavior. Since my original diagnosis 6.5 yrs ago, I have been told that I lost my hair because I didn't pray hard enough to keep it, that I'm enduring "generational curse" going back 4 generations, and that if I had just put this in the Lord's hands, I would be fine.

I'm Jewish, and recently I was asked to speak at a friend's prayer breakfast. At the end of my talk, one woman told me that if I just accepted Jesus as my savior, the bone metastasis that I've recently been dealing with would be gone, the cancer would be gone, AND I would be saving my children (2 daughters) from the same fate. Wow -that's a way to get my guilt feelings, going, huh?

I chose not to engage this woman, because I knew that there was NOTHING I could say to convince her that faith AND medicine need to go hand in hand.

Sometimes I envy people with such strong faith, but I also believe the way I've chosen to handle my bc is the best for me.

I know how frustrating it must be to watch your sister leave her healthcare solely to God, but unfortunately, you probably can't do much about it. Just support her in whatever she chooses, and if she does choose to get her mammos/other care, I know you'll be there to see her through it. You're obviously a deeply caring sister.

Good luck to you.

Love, Renee

susan_CNY · January 2007

Wow Carol, my heart goes out to you. I think I would try writing a long letter to the pastor of that church begging him to organise a health drive for their community, God wants us to use all the tools he gives us. Hugs

LittleG · January 2007

Seems there's a lot of that going on. My brother who is also religious, I am not. I am spiritual, but not religious. Anyway, he belives my dad died of lung cancer because he was a sinner, and did not belive in his so called god and he thinks that I have bc for the same reason. I don't get mad at him for this. I just think, what a f***** way to think and go thru this part of life, and I feel sad for him. Maybe one day people will notice we are all in this together, regardless of your religious beliefs!! Best of luck Carol!

g

julel · January 2007

My sister has not had a mammogram in 5yrs, not for religious reasons, though. She has always had a fatalistic and "head in the sand mentality" re her health. She is large-breasted and says they won't be able to find anything with all that breast tissue and that it "hurts" to do the mammo.

We have a strong family hx of breast cancer, with my mom, maternal grandma, aunt and now me (5/06). She did fly out to help me with my surgery, so we had a chance to talk about it. She said she was going to get the mammo. - Had to remind her and borhter-inlaw (nag her to get that mammo!)again, this fall. - Finally got it scheduled for late Jan.

Julie

Carol_D · January 2007

Thank you all for your posts. I know now this is not really a unique situation, unfortunately. I appreciate the support.

jz20022001 · January 2007

People can be so strange! Years ago my grandmother had a "friend" come up to her and say, "You can't have cancer; you are a good woman!" (Talk about an idiotic thing to say.)

I think that many people are looking for reasons to "blame" us for getting cancer, so they can feel more certain that they won't get cancer themselves. Like a genetic mutation is somehow our fault. They are deluding themselves.

Catherine

My sister

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