The betrayal of my body but mostly my mind

I had severe breast pain in my right breast. I then went to the doctor and told her my symptoms; I told her my grandmother and aunt on my father's side both died in their 50's of breast cancer. 5 minutes later I was out of her office with a diagnosis of it not being breast cancer, blah, blah, blah.... I didn't hear much because it wasn't breast cancer but something to do with hormones. A skip and a jump I was out of there without another thought.

But I did have another thought. I felt that was quick, I totally felt like I was dismissed. I also thought of my friend's sister who died at 41 of breast cancer. She was told on four different occasions that she was too young to have breast cancer and that breast cancer doesn't hurt. But I don't rock boats and I'm 39 and the doctor knows.

The breast pain was severe but I wasn't really worried because it was hormonal, right? Then I began to feel a hard mass by my nipple. It took a couple of weeks of thoughts that this is hormonal and cyclical. But it wasn't cyclical because it hurt all the time so I made another Dr's appointment. I saw a different Dr. and she told me just to be safe she would send me for a mammogram and an ultrasound. Thank god for her because if she has told me not to worry about it I would have left.

A mammogram and an ultrasound later I have a 2.5 cm lump with a birads 5 rating and another smaller tumour. My doctor didn't mince words, she phoned me and told me that I have breast cancer and that I needed to come in to see her. I'm sure some would say she doesn't know for certain until the biopsy but I appreciate how candid she was.

I've gone for my biopsy and should get my results tomorrow. This is modern day torture. I just want the cancer cut out of me. I feel like it is growing as I sit here. Spreading to the other parts of my body. What a total betrayal to me from my body. My inner thoughts take over my life.....Some days I cry and think that I can tell I am in stage 4 cancer that has metastasized throughout my body. Sometimes I don't have cancer and it could be fibrocystic breast disease. I self diagnose and think it is at least stage 2 because it is bigger than 2 cm but probably stage 3. Wouldn't it be great to be stage one. AGHH...how to turn off my brain.

I read everything on the internet. Then I tell myself to stop reading and wait for the results of the biopsy. You should see my search engine.... breast pain, how often is a Birad 5 reading wrong, painful breast cancer, what stage is 2.5cm breast tumour, survival rates of breast cancer, inflammatory breast cancer and on and on and on.

I'm writing this because I like reading about other people's symptoms to compare them to mine especially when I read a favourable diagnosis. I am not really in-tuned with my body so I didn't notice the little things but now they make sense. It began up to a year ago with night sweats, I would wake up with a soaked t-shirt. I thought I was premenopausal. My nipple became really itchy. I would look at it in the mirror and it looked totally normal. Then I got severe stabbing breast pair. So painful that I couldn't really tell where it was radiating from. I should have charted it but I didn't. Some days weren't bad and other days the pain was constant. There was the stabbing pain that would happen out of the blue but also aching in certain spots when I touched them. Then I felt like my breast had a hard mass under my nipple that was sore to touch. I didn't feel like it was a lump it felt more like a hard spot. My shoulders and neck were sore after work. They ached and felt tight. And now today my breast became inflamed and has a red rash a couple inches long. Definitely inflammatory breast cancer my mind tells me.

Since my diagnosis (that is probably cancer but hopefully not) my neck, shoulders and shoulder blades are hurting and aching something fierce. Is this from the stress? The headaches are awful. Maybe it is the cancer metastasizing slowly into my brain. My poor husband has to hear all this and try to stay upbeat. I told him the other day I am dying and that he needs to make sure he lives to take care of our kids. Our kids....the worst part of this...I am worried about dying but I'm more worried about dying and leaving them. All kids need their mom. I want to be with them every minute to absorb the love and appreciate how great my life is.... but at the same time be alone and cry.

Oh and before I die I need to get on those photo books I have been putting off because that will be my six year olds only memory of me. If thoughts could kill I would be dead, but tomorrow I'll know for sure.