Hi ladies, I know it's unfair for me to come here - to all my comrades who are dealing with the same thing - for an emotional boost, but here I am nonetheless. I know there are threads for this, but I've come to feel at home on this thread given the triple positive...

I've just had a tough week and thought some of you could help me through it. I definitely will return the favour when/if you need it! This week it seemed like cancer radio was more like a cancer festival. I went to a Lions Club meeting for the first time in a year. When I arrived, I saw that on the agenda there was call for a moment of silence for a fellow member whose daughter died of breast cancer this week (and he was sitting next to me). She apparently was diagnosed a year ago and it was metastatic to a few locations. So that was the first. The second was my neighbour walking over to me (two days later) to let me know his mother has breast cancer. Just one year previous she looked highly uncomfortable running into me at the school. She asked about my scarf on my head and was thinking it was a 'new style'. When I told her it was cancer, she looked very awkward and sheepish. And now here she is diagnosed (77 years old). Then last week, someone I met when I was newly diagnosed (introduced to me by a mutual friend) found out her cancer had recurred. She was 3C when diagnosed, had two types of cancer in her breast - one of them being very rare and nasty (all are nasty, but this one much more so). She had reached 2 years soon after we met and they told her that if it didn't recur within 2 years, it was much less likely to. Well last week (at more than 2.5 years) she found out it has metasticized to her spine and neck. She, being the most lovely person I've met, actually didn't tell me and told our mutual counselor to tell me so that I'd be with her (the counselor) to process.

This all happened in the space of four days. I'm feeling the darkness pull upon me and I am trying so hard to fight hard to stay in the 'light'. Are we all destined to recur if 2B and above??? It's awful.

Based on this crappy week, I went over to my husband's family home where there has been fighting. His parents - after a long and unhappy marriage - are trying to split up (77 years old) and I sat them down on the porch and told them that it's all not worth it. That they may not be able to turn back the hands of time and be all perfect now, but moving forward, they can make decisions in a nicer way and at least try to stop any more damage. That the family can even make some small amends if efforts are made.

I feel that the darkness is calling upon me this week and that my only sword is to focus on the small things that bring me joy and to try and help and to love. But I would also like to believe that perhaps I may live and watch my children grow. So...any words of insight? Do lots of women go on to live long lives with a stage 3a diagnosis??

Kattis, you sound wonderful. Hapb, I hope your reaction clears up. You're damn right that it was a pain...

Well most importantly it is doable. I noticed my emotions came long after finished chemo and still of course life has changed. What is important etc. The realisation that not all people find it the same way, not even family members, is heart breaking but you slowly come to some kind of acceptance of it all I think.

Yes, I am going to my rehab spa beginning August for 12 days and can not wait. I also joined a breast cancer organisation here which will be helpful moving forward and on another note I can tell you about a cancer sister that had 1 year to go being triple negative and just found out her cancer is in total remission. Amen. She has many years to go now...Sports and movements is still a drag but trying to get better at it. Work a nightmare but hopefully I will find something else to do. It is not only a dance on roses but things are looking up. Just also spoke to another woman that found love in the mist of all this, that was impressing. Lots of love to you all.

Thanks, ladies. I appreciate the hugs. And I appreciate your words of support. I know you understand. And I know I have to fight to stay 'up'. Tonight I said to my counselor, 'we talk about working hard at work, at parenting, at exercise, at eating right. But I know that I need to work hard at playing. I have to run to the joy as much as possible, and that too takes work.'

I have started back into guitar lessons (I love to sing). I picked up a new hobby - felting. And lo and behold, I'm pretty good at it. I've signed up to be at a fair to actually sell some things - go figure. I joined a bc dragon boat team. I do pilates. I started a local FB group for bc ladies - 25 members now. We ran a fundraiser recently. I parent my two kids and yell and nag at them and love them. My husband has been my anchor and we're going away for the first time ever really - to Rome. I'm going to a girls weekend this weekend. I am trying hard. Very hard. Sometimes the bricks come toppling down - like this week. And I thank you for being there to help.

Yesterday my sister wrote to our family saying that next to her store, a man who is the owner of a prominent restaurant had a massive stroke at 64. Very vibrant man, no lead up, no warning. A friend recently reached out to me on FB from highschool (we're 48) and told me she had colorectal cancer in 2011. A woman I recently connected with from years ago told me she had thyroid cancer four years ago. The bottom line being that we honestly just don't know. There are many private battles out there.

You're all such great ladies. I wish we could just beam ourselves up to a coffee shop and meet in person. Love and kisses to you all tonight.

Tomorrow is round #2.  Cried several times yesterday, big, hot, wet tears.  Sobbing.  My first treatment went pretty good but, I still don't feel like myself.  All I think about is all that poison and what it is doing to my healthy cells.  On a brighter note, a friend of my daughter (who I never met) sent packages for each day this week to cheer me...I open one each morning.  They are filled with some kind of goody and a piece of artwork created by her daughter and then on the opposite side of the artwork, an encouraging note.  So very uplifting that I cried again.....tears of gratefulness for her thoughtfulness.  I then received  a package from my cousin with magazines and my favorite Pennsylvania brand Kettle Cooked potato chips and candies.  I was so uplifted by their kindness and know in the future, that I will pass the torch and encourage others during their sickness.

Melanie

i also cry often! When I first started Chemo I would tell myself that i was not going to cry. Little did I know that crying made me feel better so yeah I cried often. When other people would get real personal I would breakdown. I have never been one that cries in front of others easily. I always found myself apologizing for crying. It finally took a nurse to tell me that I have every right to cry. Not only is your body going through hell but your mind is also going through the same. That is when I decided that if I wanted to cry because I did not feel good I was going to cry.

i cry often ,too.. when the pain caused by reflux and delayed gastric emptying became unbearable, i cry. i cry when i think of my autistic son and how much he needs me still. i cry when i think about recurrence. and i feel good afterwards.its very cathartic for me.

Kae.  Yes the tears helped so much, I feel so much better today!

Posey.  Great minds think alike, I though about bringing something for my nurse who cares for me while I am having chemo.  I am not sure what I could bring to the ladies/men going through chemo with me on the same day, suggestions are welcome!

Melanie

well, now you ladies are making me want to cry again...thank you for the support. Still having a hard time of it, but hopefully I will feel better soon.

Moody blues... the bags vary, but this set contained items both made and store bought: a heart shaped healing stone, a fleecy pillow, heating/cooling bag (handmade), some biscuits and candy, a little case with some things like antibacterial wash, lip balm, Kleenex... and each one got a card that a local fibre artist made - she has felted an art piece called "Tree of Hope" at our hospital and she took a picture of a bunch of these circles and made cards. Then inside the card, she inserts one felted circle. Other goodies I've done before include bookmarks I made (beaded), head bandanas, notebooks, a pack of greeting cards, agate keychains, etc.

Deni, I will try to live looking at the light. When I get feeling dark like this, I start thinking every person stage 3 recurs (I do realize this isn't so, but...). Thank you for your words.

In a total side note...do any of you feel that it's puffy/squishy under your arm on the rib cage where you've had surgery? And do we stay numb like this? I just feel that it's puffed up on that side. I also have a good sized scar tissue bump by my incision line. It was imaged about 2 months ago

Posey girl.  Great ideas for sure in your care bags!  I would love to see the felt circle, it sounds cool!

I do have the puffy/squishy feeling under my arm and edge of my rib cage too, it's gotten  aIot better but, I have days when it's worse than others.  I have read that it may be permanent and I know mine much better than in the beginning.

I think everyone has a fear of reoccurrence whether we are stage 1 or stage three, I know that I do, the thought comes and goes.  It's craziness I tell you, craziness!

All,

I use a coffee scrub (coffee grounds and a good oil) to help with the numbness. A lot has lessen over the last 11 months.

I am thinking about trying acupuncture. Asked my PS and he said he was unsure about a needle near "his implants." LOL. He said I could get a consult and be marked. He would then check to see if the implants were too close. I am thinkin' ...

Vicky

I want to second the crying. I didn't cry. At all. I was a rock for my parents who flipped out (my only brother died at 28), a rock for my husband, and a rock for my kids who were 8 and 2. ( mom, I was ok during your treatment because you seemed ok). Worked full time, drove to treatment blah blah blah...Except, I wasn't ok, I should have cried...and now a year after my last treatment...BAM! Now the floodgates have opened. My gp told me," you were going to have to deal with it sooner or later...you just chose later". Seriously, lately it's been like someone came up to me with a needle and popped my ballon! Cry now ladies so you don't end up like me lol!,,

Posey your felting is adorable!

Love to all....

Hapb, if you don't mind me asking, was it breast cancer before?

Yes, I've heard some people lose it after. I was both...during and now after with fear. I think it's very helpful to talk to others who have trod this path

Hapb, my understanding is that at stage 1a as you are, the percentage of those that recur is low. At stage 3 (which has a,b,c all together), about 30 percent recur. If pathological complete response occurs for neoadjuvant treatment, that figure is modestly better, as in perhaps 20 percent recur. I think it's still early days for long term data with Herceptin (and definitely early for Perjeta; we don't even get access in Canada at this stage), but I'm just sharing what I've heard from different people via their own doctors. I too looking for this info because I am so damn scared. But my guess is that it's like 10 percent for stage 1

Thank you so much...xoxo.

Yes, the piece is in Rome, in many places in the US, in Ireland, UK, Hungary, Moscow, Singapore, India, South Africa, Canada of course, Australia, etc....I think the message transcends faith lines, meaning that even if people do not identify with being Christian, they still identify with the meaning.

Sweet dreams and talk soon

Completed taxol#4 today, no ill effects, same as the previous ones. The nurse today got blood return right away, I didnt need to do any gymnastics. Husband and I met some friends for supper tonight. The hair is dropping pretty quickly, thinking we might have to cut it this weekend.

As I read the posts, the people having SE, I feel a little guilty. So far this trip has been quite easy, I undrstand things could change. Always feel unsure if I should share how good I feel, how few SE I have had, and the ones I have are easy to manage. I pray everyday that the journey continues to be manageable.