Sad and feel like a fake

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Panacea2112
Panacea2112 Member Posts: 10
edited August 2017 in Life After Breast Cancer

So, supposedly I'm a survivor. I don't feel like it. So many are so proud and happy for me, amazed at how strong and positive I was, but...



I don't feel it at all. I'm sad, I'm lonely but not alone. I don't feel worthy of this "praise" at all. This feeling started a few weeks ago.



I was diagnosed end of Feb. Stage 1B. End of March I had a skin saving mastectomy, left side(tissue expander put in at same time) and 5 lymphs taken out.



After all tests, decision made to go on Tamoxifen and chemo/radiation not recommended. More risk to do so.



Had my TE switch and implant on my right side (was an "almost A so decided to go to a full B) about a week and half ago.



I thought now that it's pretty much over, I'd be ready to move forward and I'd be happy. I should be grateful I'm not doing chemo/rads. I'm not, just feel guilt. I feel like a fake almost. I don't feel like I deserve to be in any group of survivors. I should feel lucky, I don't.



I'm worried I'm depressed and have read about this happening after cancer and also a side effect of the tamoxifen.



I'm really not too sure what I'm trying to say....just reaching out which you can probably tell I'm not too good at doing from this note. I don't know how to tell my fam or friends how I'm feeling. It's so stupid. I should be grateful and all I feel is pity and disgust for myself.



I'm going to try the Effexor with the tamoxifen, hear that might help but am looking for emotional support as well.

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Comments

  • anotherNYCGirl
    anotherNYCGirl Member Posts: 1,033
    edited June 2017

    Pan, - I think that many of us have gone through similar feelings.

    Life is an emotional roller coaster once we get a diagnosis. Your 'feeling down' may just pass on its own, - but perhaps you can call your breast surgeon or oncologist to ask about a counselor to help you get through these feelings sooner!

    Sending hugs and FEEL BETTER wishes!

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  • Goincrzy8
    Goincrzy8 Member Posts: 387
    edited June 2017

    lI hope you talk to someone. I felt guilty because I thought I was going to get chemo stage IIIC and MO treated me like Stage IV. That put me on Hormone Therapy which is working for me. I was in a FB group of ladies who were going thru chemo as I should have and i left. They invited me back and they are a great support. It doesn't matter the treatment or non treatment, we are all surviving with the BC. So yes, you and all of us our survivors, I don't want to be a non survivor, I have a life to live, Grandkids I need to see grow up.

    All we can do is one day at a time. Good Luck

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited June 2017

    Pan,

    We're so sorry you're feeling this way! As you can already see, you've got great support here -- many, many people managing a breast cancer diagnosis, treatment, and post-treatment life have similar feelings, you're not alone. Unfortunately depression can be a side effect of diagnosis as well as, as you mentioned, hormonal therapies. There's some great information on ways to manage this unpleasant emotional state on the main Breastcancer.org site's page on Depression. Also, as always, we suggest, as anotherNYCgirl did, that you speak with your doctor about your feelings and hopefully they can provide some resources and/or medications to help you feel better.

    Also, of course, always come back here to get your feelings out. You've got an excellent support source right here that understands like no other. We are always here to listen!

    (((BIG HUGS)))

    --The Mods

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  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited June 2017

    panacea, your feelings are very common. I think they were a whole a lot of women here, a few men, who have had the same feelings. I know for me it was so much easier to concentrate on killing cancer. Get the surgery, have the chemo, take the medicine, go after it and kill the cancer!

    But what after you're done with all that? Who am I now? What do I want to do with the rest of my life? It's been a bit of a challenge for me.


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  • Panacea2112
    Panacea2112 Member Posts: 10
    edited June 2017

    Thanks y'all. Comforting to know I'm not alone and that these feelings are somewhat common. I've always been someone who has dealt with personal things alone. Others knew what was physically going on, but any uncomfortable feelings were kept to myself. Never wanting anyone tosee me sweat, so to speak.

    I did get the Effexor and my Onc suggested a group within the hospital who meet weekly. This was suggested back in the beginning of this cancer mess but don't seem to remember....imagine that!😂

    Gonna try the Effexor, the support group and see if that helps me along.

    Thanks again

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  • shortcake42
    shortcake42 Member Posts: 18
    edited June 2017

    I do know how you feel. I do fine when no one else (outside my family) is around, but alone, another story entirely. My family says I won't let them support me. But the kind of support they offer, I don't need. My youngest said that since I no longer have cancer, I need to stop talking about it and get on with my life. (doc said don't need chemo, oncotype of 19). Just take anastrazole.) PC said depression wasn't serious enough to warrant meds (which I am not sure I would take anyway.) Anyway, this site is wonderful. I can read and communicate with others who know show I feel and I KNOW I am not alone

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  • bronxgirl53
    bronxgirl53 Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2017

    It is so helpful to know "someone" gets it...I feel the same way. After my BM, most of my family and friends thought they needed to tell me over and over again how very lucky I was. They caught it early. I did not even get credit for that..I get it I was lucky, I did not need chemo or radiation and are doing as well as expected. I feel like I do not have a voice. My feelings are gray. I feel guilty when I mention I had BC. I realize most women have suffered so much. I guess it does not diminish getting the diagnosis and my journey, but I wish I could say that out loud. I try to put on a good show for others but at the end of the day I am just sad. I am having a difficult time navigating life. I feel like a fake too! It's nice to be in such good company and with people who get it…

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  • Herculesmulligan
    Herculesmulligan Member Posts: 175
    edited June 2017

    panacea: everything you're feeling is normal. During the thick of the crisis feelings can get pushed aside in the day to day fight to survive. Then when the dust settles a little it all can be overwhelming. Just go day to day; you don't have to have it all figured out.

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  • Herculesmulligan
    Herculesmulligan Member Posts: 175
    edited June 2017

    oh and bronxgirl: when someone tells me how lucky I was to catch my cancer early I say, " oh absolutely. But, you know, not as lucky as if I hadn't had cancer in the first place."

    I think it's important to acknowledge that this sucks, and I'm not obligated to feel grateful all the time. Sometimes I can be mad or blue or scared.

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  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited June 2017

    I am SO in this group.

    Panacea: you are I are not that far apart in timing. I'm still in TEs until Sept. And I feel all the things everyone is discussing here. I'm a pretty happy/positive person but I do have negative and angry thoughts here and there. Mostly about people who are on the other side (non-C) and still don't get it. Sweating the small stuff.

    To me, once you receive this diagnosis (any C), then you're in a group and everyone else is in another group. Just mindset -- not love of life, being a good person, etc., etc. It can't be helped -- I'm sorry I feel this way -- but no one except someone who is told they have cancer gets it. Not even those closest to us. Simple.

    However, I'm accepting that this is a part of me, my life, this experience. I wore a compression sleeve for air travel for the first time this week and it was ok. Someone actually asked what it was. ;) I just can't figure out what to say. I have BC, I had BC. I still feel totally have. But perhaps that's the TEs speaking!!!!

    Hugs to all.

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  • MinusTwo
    MinusTwo Member Posts: 16,634
    edited June 2017

    I love the suggestion from Hercules for an answer when people keep insisting how luck you are.

    "oh absolutely. But, you know, not as lucky as if I hadn't had cancer in the first place."

    That's better than some of the very graphic words I sometimes want to say. Particularly after I was so d*mn lucky to only have DCIS - and then it recurred as IDC only two years my BMX.

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  • MinusTwo
    MinusTwo Member Posts: 16,634
    edited June 2017

    Adding - hang in there for all of you - and all of us. I'm 6 years along the journey and finally think I'm getting used to my new normal. Not always liking it, but my emotional health seems to get better the more I exercise. After a couple of years as a couch potato, it's making a real difference.

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  • MexicoHeather
    MexicoHeather Member Posts: 365
    edited June 2017

    You're not a fake. I also don't know what to do with this hero stuff. I very much like the quote/suggestion from Hercules for an answer when people keep insisting how lucky you are.

    "oh absolutely. But, you know, not as lucky as if I hadn't had cancer in the first place."

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  • Nan812
    Nan812 Member Posts: 289
    edited June 2017

    hello cyber sisters/brothers.....this has got to be one of the loneliest things to ever happen to your soul....the range of emotions that you feel from others and ourselves is like a raging storm.....one moment peaceful and at the height of pure love , the next you are in a dark cloud of "how did I become the person you dont want to face any more", its just to sad to be around you (never said out loud), or I cant face my own mortality when I look at you, or Im just so depressed because my friend has cancer....Im so sorry to say that there is so much more and you get hit with it in the most surprising places(like a well meaning "lucky you caught your cancer")....and then you get hit with the most amazing selfless love from someplace that never in a million years would you have thought would come from "there/them"....and then at the end we are left with ourselves, lonely....thats all i have really learned....we have to make peace with ourselves,we need patience and empathy for others AND for ourselves....we need to know that we will feel everything on a completely different level than we ever have before, I dont think thats all that bad although it hurts so bad at times....I feel my soul has grown in ways i never could have dreamt of (i wouldnt have chosen this path) and i dont believe there was any other way to learn certain things other than alone (like giving birth, no one can really tell you, you do it alone and learn about a love stronger than anything you've ever felt).this is a deeper lonley for much longer ....it would take hours to try to explain how this feels to me so I'll leave you with a quote I read when I first joined BCO ....."if GOD never gives you more than you can handle then HE must think I'm a bad ass"....feel it and live it, you can do this my friends

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  • Panacea2112
    Panacea2112 Member Posts: 10
    edited June 2017

    thanks y'all. It's amazing that some of you feel the same way, I really thought I was the only one. I am feeling better somewhat. My onc put me on the Effexor, and only a week now but I think it's helped. The nausea for a few days totally sucked but that's gone as well

    This "survivor" stuff still doesn't sit right with me. Hero? Hardly! My sister even said last week she was in awe of me, how strong I was through this. It threw me. I don't know what to do with that. I don't feel that way. Just did what I had to. She would do the same....most would. Nothing extraordinary in that. There was no choice. Well, I guess there was....live or die. My mom had cancer, but it killed her. But hers was not a kind you ever catch early. She was my hero but not because of surviving thru the time she had, nor keeping a positive attitude thru it. Because she was an awesome woman her entire life.

    Life will go on, and I'm happy to live it....just need to separate myself from my cancer for awhile. I am not my cancer



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  • bronxgirl53
    bronxgirl53 Member Posts: 4
    edited June 2017

    I finally feel understood! Thanks;)

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  • Momine
    Momine Member Posts: 7,859
    edited June 2017

    I think many of us feel that way. I think it is also common to run on adrenalin through treatment, and then sort of crash once it is all over. I get the hero/strong blather all the time too, and also find it dumb. I know people mean well, but what is the alternative? Going off to the woods and wait to die? It also irks me no end when people congratulate on my "great attitude" and then suggest that I am still alive because of it. OK, it doesn't irk me, it makes me furious. I have been on BCO for 6 years by now, and have watched countless women with amazing attitudes and a great love of life succumb to this stupid disease. Having a good attitude will help you live better, but I absolutely don't believe it will necessarily make you live longer.

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  • Traveltext
    Traveltext Member Posts: 2,089
    edited June 2017

    One thing I really like about BCO is that, whatever various feelings we all go through, there's always a bunch of helpful people out there who "get it". Panacea, you'll get through all this if you draw on the multiple strengths of the folks here. Your current feelings of pity and disgust will dissipate and the fakery will vanish. My only practical advice is try to stick with the Tamoxifen. Do keep us all posted on your progress.


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  • CTJ1108
    CTJ1108 Member Posts: 5
    edited August 2017

    I've had those feelings. I call it my "imposter syndrome" as a cancer patient. LOL. I was only Stage 1A ILC Grade III, but small; lumpectomy and only 4 treatments into my 4 weeks of radiation. Afterwards will take an IA x 5 yrs. But for some reason feel like I don't "qualify" as a cancer patient.

    I also think that the roller coaster from feeling a lump to finally getting a diagnosis- was too much of a "rush" - very scary, but feel I am so lucky too, not deserving since I did not require chemo, etc.

    I also tend to have imposter syndrome in other areas of my professional life- something that a lot of strong smart women deal with- so maybe it is ME! LOL

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  • AngryBird
    AngryBird Member Posts: 4
    edited August 2017

    I had a lumpectomy 3 years ago and refused chemo and radiation. I just feel like I dodged a couple of medical bullets. Don't feel like a fake. Feel grateful. Sorry I am so anti-cancer circus I don't subscribe to any of their treatments and feel really bad for those who don't have any choice in the matter.

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  • Eleanora23
    Eleanora23 Member Posts: 91
    edited August 2017

    These postsare so useful to me. Hearfelt. Real.

    Good for you for reaching out to ask for support. We have similar stages 1B but I got the whole shebangy due to being HER2+. Also in my case, I was so isolated during a year + of treatment (not 6 week post herceptin) that it almost destroyed. My way of handling things (I wish I had had advice otherwise) was to tell people as I felt I had nothing to be ashamed of or hide. Big mistake. I can see from others comments that having too much input could be annoying - "oh your are lucky" " Oh try this and that... but I had the opposite. All those people I told and never heard from again. That includes family. Still getting upset about it ---- example... niece home for summer (a few miles away), not even a text, no response to my various attempt to communicate except very very curt responses. Ex: Friend to plan a meet up for lunch. Told her I ended a year of TX and was doing a little week of celebrations alone, etc. Heard nothing back from her. In a year she, and most people I "know" have never initiated a simple "how are you" to me. I used to be DEVASTATED, now I am merely flabbergasted and moving on, with many less "friends."

    I'm only about 50% over it now. I don't fly into rages so much, but I have started some uncontrollable crying (alone). Crying is the best, very healing, and much more raw and releasing than the anger.

    I'm going to start a once a month support group (that's all there is nearby, and near is 35 miles) It was a group that suggested to not join up at the start of my treatment when I was desperate for answers and guidance, because I was too early on and "would get scared' hmmmmph. I have bite the bullet, get rid of the resentment and try it, because I'm desperate to find some serenity again.

    What cancer robbed me of is the feeling that I matter .. that I feel I matter to anyone except one dear friend who lives in Europe. Clearly not to the family I moved across the country to live near (to be an aunt).

    Now I have to find a way to move beyond this.

    Grateful to all for all their hearfelt contributions here. I love a good dose of "keeping it real"

    Ellie



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  • Brightness456
    Brightness456 Member Posts: 340
    edited August 2017

    Goodness, I so belong in this group this morning. I had a lumpectomy August 10. I am healing well and feel a lot like my old self. But.... I still haven't gotten my pathology report back, so I don't know if my margins were clear, the official size of tumor, confirmed that there was no node involvement, whether I'm ER/PR positive or negative (there was some dispute about my original pathology from biopsy) or her2 positive or negative (same biopsy dispute), so I don't know what my treatment plan will be.

    I'm getting really scared again. I feel the dreaded fear growing everyday as I wait. And my family expects me to be my normal self. I want to scream cuss word this morning. I want to cry and throw things. Instead I'll go get ready for a big family event today. I'll pretend and put on a happy face for everyone else.

    I just want to feel safe and I don't

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited August 2017

    I wish we all had the opportunity to assemble everyone in our lives who matter or are supposed to matter and give them a dose of reality of what we are going through. The dos and donts list is endless.

    We don't have leprosy and we didn't ask for our DX. We aren't seeking pity but we do expect compassion and support from those who profess to love us. That doesn't mean it's contingent on things going well. After all it's when things aren't going well that you find out who really cares.

    I am appalled at people who desert us in our real hour of need. They don't want to hear about it because it scares them and they don't have it so it can't be that bad. Or you had the treatments so you are cured. No, we are managing our cancer DX, there is no cure.

    I don't shy away from telling people who ask and I don't do it to garner a response shocked or not but I'm also not going to pretend it didn't happen either just so they can feel more comfortable. It's not about their comfort zone.

    I'll get off my soapbox. I have been mostlyblessed with family and friend support but I know women who have not had that and it's hurtful and shameful.

    Diane

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