I can't get my act together and I don't know why

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. I have been on these boards since June and your posts have always been so upbeat and funny. I finished rads in June and I know I didn't do much house cleaning for quite a while. Truth be told, I am not a very domestic person, so it really wasn't that much of a change. I also didn't care. I had an abdominal hysterectomy in November, so I was laid up for six weeks. Needless to say, it got worse. I finally settled down and got most of it cleaned up, but it took me three whole days.
I think when you finish up with the treatment, there is a let down of a sort - for the last few months you have been dealing with people who seem to really care about you and you feel supported. When it's all over, you kinda feel abandoned. As you get your life back, it does seem to go away.
I am not doing any hormone suppressant therapy, but could that be contributing to your depression? Perhaps you should bring it up with your onc.
Would it help you to have "Merry Maids" come in and get rid of the worst of it so you would be better able to maintain it? You don't know these folks, so you don't have to impress them and no matter what you think, they have seen worse.

I hope you work through this and get back to your old self soon.

Take Care of yourself

Dear, dear sisters, you are so normal you have no idea.

You have Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. This is just what the war vets go through. Sorta frozen emotionally, yet not. Frozen emotionally and given to crying at odd times, even favorite music and things you normally love make you sad. Then you feel guilty at being so sad, and on and on. It is like being behind a huge glass wall and watching the whole world having a laughing, happy ball while you are curled up in misery. Oh yeah, been there, done that.

Now, if you don't get a lot better real soon, consider anti-deps for a year or so. They will allow you to get your feet back under you and your confidence back. They are truly a gift from God. When you are back to your old self, you can slooowly get off them. They have no side effects (usually) and do not make you sleepy nor are they addictive, not even on the substance abuse list of the US government. If you are already on them, up the dose.

Second thing to do, call "Merry Maids" and get your house cleaned up. If you can afford it, have them come every two weeks for about 6 weeks.

This is so common a reaction that Dr. Susan Love talks about it at length in her book.

You get your adrenaline going full tilt all through treatment, you have people all around encouraging you and treating you. Even as much as you can't wait for treatment to end, it is scary when no one is watching you. You feel lonelier and more misreable with each passing day.Every ache and pain is a met. And then, everyone disappears. THIS IS PERFECTLY NORMAL!!!!

Now, I expect that you will understand now why you are so miserable. It is the norm. If you weren't, you would be part of a very small group. I bet 90% of us were right where you are now at some point after treatment.

Gentle hugs, Shirlann

I finished treatment in sept 2005 and I am still struggling. I've had a couple of other things occur after BC that have slowed me down. I see a therapist that only sees cancer patients. She sais this if very common. Part of this is normal. Especially if you have only been done with treatment for a year or less. If you have follow on injuries/surgeries like I have, then things can take longer. It's hard to get your zest back. She says that sometimes people get caught in "patient" mode, always waiting for the next shoe to drop. I'm on antidepressants trying to get out of patient mode. LOL

It's hard. It's a struggle. I wish I could find a job. I know I would be very tired when I came home at night but I would feel justified in being tired.!!!!!!

You are a naturally bubbly person. You will be fine. It might take a while. Go get the antidepressants. They help.

susan

g -

Your first Christmas after finishing treatment sounds EXACTLY like mine in 2005, shortly after I completed all the treatments and started Arimidex. I was absolutely annoyed at all the Christmas stuff,didn't put up a tree, didn't send out cards. I just slept-walked (is that a word?) through the entire season.

A year later for Christmas '06, I got back some of the "fun" feeling. But it's much more about family and friends now than it used to be for me. I sent out lots of cards, each with a personal "note" (even if it was only a sentence or two) and felt as much pleasure from that activity as anything else.

I also spent a lot less money on gifts, and that felt good for a change, too.

The lack of organization thing - it gets better with time, but I think BC helps us really set our priorities much better than pre-BC.

good luck,

g,

I felt the same way you did after treatment.....spoke to onc and started on 75 mg Wellbutrin....which has helped.

Also, remember that the housekeeping police are not going to arrest you for a messy house......the laundry police aren't searching for you.....the dustmites will love you.....

I have been trying to find humor in my life now.....trying to laugh through the tears....

Madison

madison -- thanks for your humor -- it was just what the doctor ordered! i've been on antidepressants for years. still, since my radiation treatments ended in october, i have truly been 'waddling through molasses' -- thanks, i love that phrase. i stayed in bed most of today. my house is so messy, i don't have people over. i can't afford to pay for someone to come in and clean. but, after reading all of these posts, i'm feeling better. really. thank you all. love, annie

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I can suggest 2 books: Living Beyond Breast Cancer by Marisa and Ellen Weiss and After Breast Cancer by Hester Hill Schnipper. You will realize that these feelings are so normal. You can certainly try therapy or anti-depressants too. With your house, because you are so over-whelmed right now, I would start with one room and vow to spend an hour a day tackling one room at a time. It does not have to be an hour all at one time. Maybe 15 minutes here and there. Set a goal. Set a timer if you must. You can keep at that room over several days until it's "reasonably normal" or move on to another room each day and spend an hour in a different room each time...whatever makes you feel more accomplished. After you get the house looking reasonably well, hire that cleaning service to do the nitty gritty. That way you don't have to do it all, but you can get it ready a little at a time for the service. Treat yourself to that once a month if you can. You are worth it!! Once your house starts to get back to normal, you may start to feel better about being there. It's just too overwhelming to tackle all at once so try a little at a time. Maybe someone can help you tackle a room as well. Good luck.
Patti

Yes - I agree - this is normal. I remember after my first round of dx and tx - mastectomy, 9 mos. chemo, reconstruction, infection, second surgery, then a blood clot. Then a divorce (which was delayed by dx but still very hard) and I had to find a job.

My house was a mess, my yard (which I had just finished replanting prior to dx) was full of weeds, didn't care about food, anything - except my daughter who was 7 by then. I knew my prognosis was pretty good but also had grade 3 so knew there was a risk.

I remember telling my mother - if this comes back and it's in my bones - just give me some morphine and I'm giving up - I'm not going to do this again.

Well - it took a while but I started with cleaning a space at a time - sometimes just a corner. Then doing something for me - yoga, walking, gardening. Then I took a job that my friend found for me. It was less than I was making and pretty easy so it worked out well - not too tough. Through the winter I managed to get the house done (lived in Buffalo then so pretty much was inside all winter).

By the time spring came around, I had made some friends at work, the house was clean, and the flowers started blooming. Hubby moved out in June and I was able to decorate however I wanted. By then my strength was up and I was out gardening again.

It is normal - it takes time - it takes distraction - which is why you feel better when you're out. Sometimes it takes help. I was never offered anti-depressants but have thought about them this time.

Now I'm back in the molasses - picking one space at a time to keep me occupied through winter...this time I know spring will be better...

You'll get through this...don't feel guilty...it's a useless emotion now...take care of you...

Warm hugs...

Ginney

OK, gsg, (what is your name anyway?? my memory is shot like yours....)
Your part about your husband making things worse by cleaning made me remember a theorem I once read. It goes as follows:

"In order to get one thing clean, you have to get something else dirty. BUT, it is possible to get everything dirty without getting anything clean." Think about it!

I have been done with treatments since July of 2005 (well, except the daily pill now) and I just had a normal yearly mammogram. I joined a gym 2 months ago and I go 4 days a week. I really feel stronger and more vigorous since starting the gym. Last year I wouldn't have found the energy to even think about it. My house is pretty clean but I have a year's worth of photos that need to be put in albums and I can't start a big project like that. Last year I vowed I would never let the photos pile up again, but, well, I do love to procrastinate.
I had been riding high and feeling better until 2 friends near my age were recently diagnosed with lung cancer. One died within 6 months and the other has just started chemo. I'm trying to be her chemo mentor and help her through but it has stirred up my fears of dying again. I know I don't have lung cancer, but......
Also my husband has been sick for weeks with a cough and fever, I made him go to the doctor and get a chest Xray because I thought, "what if he has cancer too?" My friends with lung cancer were both nonsmokers and my husband smokes. Thank goodness his chest Xray was normal!

This Christmas was fairly normal but last year was pretty minimal. I did a lot of extra shopping this year because I was trying to make up for how gloomy I was last year.

I can't tell you when you will feel like yourself again, just that it does get better but there are hills and valleys. I think helping my friend get through chemo will help me too. Send me a pm if you want

Oh I'm on Arimidex too.

I spoke to a therapist at the cancer hospital after I finished treatment last year and she said it is not correct to call our feelings post traumatic stress disorder. Rather, she called it "stress response syndrome" because PTSD is a reaction to a negative or violent event - in the case of people with cancer, we face, in her words "ongoing trauma". She recommended anti-depressants for at least 6 months (which I did not want to take, because I think I am doing okay). However, I do feel very different as a person, I feel that no one understands what we have gone through, and living with the fear is a new way to live - I have never thought about my mortality, and now I feel the fear like a cloud over me. But I can still feel happy with my family.

Linda

My first Christmas, dh put up a tree, put on lights and we just didn't have the energy to put on ornaments. Neither did the kids. A girlfriend gave me one and that was the only one on the dang tree.
Know how you feel.
Merry Maids is a really good suggestion: just give them baskets to put stuff in and let them put it away in them and do the heavy cleaning and make suggestions where to put away stuff.
I know how you feel about dh cleaning stuff, it really doesn't work, does it.