My mom was recently diagnosed, I need advice/help!!

Hi Cassidy,

I'm sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis. It's a scary time for her and all who love her.

If you could provide some more info about your mom's type of breast cancer, I'm sure other members who have similar types/treatments will be a long to share their experiences. Is her cancer hormone receptor positive/negative? HER2 status? What type of treatments is she having or has had? All of that info will help the community guide you.

As a family member, and not a stage IV patient, you might find the Caregivers/Family Forum on here a better fit for your concerns. You can find it here: https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/16

Best of luck to your mom!
Carrie

the info on here Is much better than on the regular internet. the info on the net is outdated and sometimes downright wrong. I was nearly scared to death when I looked up my stage 4 breast cancer, it had settled in the base of my spine, but a simple pill and one shot a month is shrinking it down now. please believe the medical professionals as to her prognosis, it will take years off your worrying.

Cassidy, your anxiety and panic are understandable. You are very young to be dealing with your mom having mbc. My son was 18 when I was diagnosed and believe me, I felt terrible that he had to cope with my illness. But as a mom, I would have rather I was the one with it and not have my child have it. So your mom is going thru stuff and you are, too.

Do you have a trusting relationship with your mom? My son and I are close, and I told him I would always keep him informed. I have told him and my other loved ones that I wasn't going to be the type to have a severe relapse before I told anyone. They know that when there is a change and progression occurs, I will let them know. So if you feel your mom has always or often been upfront with you on other matters, trust that she is doing the same now.

Regarding anxiety, please consider getting a short term perscription to help you cope. I take an anti anxiety med that is non habit forming. My son was having anxiety and the doctor prescribed the same med to him, buspar. He needed it for maybe three to six months. It helped him work thru the initial shock. Since you are young and also female, you may have some people, including medical professionals, trivialize what you are feeling. If you think meds would help, please be persistent in seeking medical care and don't stuff your feelings down.

There are other coping mechanisms, like breathing exercises, short meditation exercises, taking a walk in nature, listening to good music, yoga. Follow what speaks to you, google it and come up with some methods to help you when the anxiety rises. Also, keep a journal and write three pages every day. It doesn't have to always be about your mom, but certainly write honestly what you feel. You never need to show your journal to another soul. But it is a very theraputic way to gather your thoughts and sort through them.

Please allow yourself to still have fun. If there are things that you enjoy and can help take your mind off of your troubles for a short time, do them. A Netflix binge, getting together with a good friend or two, trying a new recipe, going to a concert, Your mom still wants you to live your life and it will make her feel good to know you are getting your spirit lifted by some (wholesome) activities (because I am a mom, I used the wholesome word, lol.)

Try to limit your Dr. Google research. It is ridiculously scary. I don't do it. This is a great site for info, and then find one or two reputable sites and stick to them. Going down all those other roads of crazy, bizarre stories is not good for you psyche, The first thing my doctor told me after the diagnosis was not to over research everything and scare myself, and I took his advice.

There are great books out there to give you hope. The Anti Cancer book is a good one. Radical Remission is another. Seek out this type of literature, there is a lot of it.

I was diagnosed in early 2011 from the start with stage iv bc. With treatment, I have been stable for six years now. Every person is different, but we all take this one day at a time. Try not to project yourself out into the unknown future. Practice being more present minded, taking care of Just Today. There is a lot of fullness of life to experience in just one day. Then do it again tomorrow. Keep repeating. This is what I learned to do after my diagnosis. I believe it is called "mindfulness".

It is also helpful to frame this as your mom living with cancer and not dying from it. That is what I tell myself.

Best wishes to you and your mom. Hang in there.

I was diagnosed with bone mets in 2009. Hang in ther

Cassidy

I didn't have time to read all the other replies so I apologize if I repeat what you have already heard. My doctor told me when I was diagnosed to stay away from the internet and trying to find statistics, etc. The information is outdated and combines the experiences of every kind of breast cancer and every patient's age. You cannot apply this to your mom's case.

i will tell you that I was diagnosed in February 2008 with liver and bone mets. After completing chemo, all of my scans have not shown any evidence of disease. I am starting my 9th year. Yes, many metastatic breast cancer patients can live for many many years and have a good quality of life. I know it is hard for you not to be overcome with anxiety and worry. However, the important thing is to make certain your mom is confident in her cancer team and you are supportive to her during her treatment. Positive thinking doesn't change the outcome but sure makes the journey way more pleasant. It is very scary to think of your mom as having incurable cancer. But it doesn't diminish her ability to live a long and happy life. It is possible and many many of us here are doing it every day. I know as a mom to a 18 and 22 year old, the one thing I don't want is for my children to be so impacted by my disease. I am sure she is not hiding anything from you but doesn't want cancer to be the center of your life.

Much love

Jennifer

Hi Cassidy,

I'm sorry about your mom and wish both her and you well. I'm in a similar situation to you; my mom had NED for 10 years after her initial breast cancer diagnosis and was just diagnosed again with triple negative metastatic breast cancer to the peritoneum in January of this year.

My mom was very private at first regarding this too and it stressed her out because she was always my family's rock as well. She still is quite private, but she agreed to allow me to come to her oncologist appointment yesterday (after one month) because I was persistent about her getting the best treatment available for her rare metastasis. I agree with DivineMrsM, a little nudge here and a little nudge there worked well... the important point I gave to her was that I was there to support her, to ask questions, and to take notes that help with her treatment/medicines.

And... I should really take my own advice too... but like everyone said don't let the diagnosis, the "what if's," and negative consume you.

Best wishes.

Tracey

Cassidy, don't get too worried. I have bone Mets in spine, ribs,hips, femurs and neck. I am 5 years from diagnosis and still going strong. I did take a 6 week break 19 months ago due to insurance issues. Nothing bad happened.

Stay strong and enjoy everyday!

Hugs and prayers,

C

Cassidy, I'm on a break right now whilst we wait for my lungs to heal up. When all is said and done the break will probably last for a month.

So long as her doctors knew she wasn't taking the meds it's fine.

Cassidy, one thing I seem to be more aware of and more accepting about in the past year is that expression, " Life is messy." I grew up with others around me often criticizing me for making mistakes or not "knowing better" and it made me think life could and should be more controlled, that others avoided these difficulties by always doing the right thing.

I am in my 50s and just now starting to let myself off the hook and relax about not always having my ducks in a row. It is a lesson I wish I'd learned years ago.

The issues you deal with surrounding your mom are areas of personal growth for yourself. My suggestion is to learn some calming strategies for yourself, such as breathing exercises, yoga and mindful meditation. Relationships with parents isn't always easy, but this is what life is about on some levels. We grapple with wanting to do the right thing and trying to figure out what the heck the right thing really is. Sometimes there are many answers and not all of them are right or wrong. They are just possibilities of how things could go.

I would make the most of being present with your mom in the here and now. That doesnt mean do lots of big, impactful things. It could simply mean the two of you taking a day here or there, sitting on the porch drinking coffee, going to a flea market or antique store, taking a drive along a country road, watching a movie, checking out a new restaurant. Just sitting and talking in the living room is a good way to practice being present and not projecting yourself into some unknown future. Try to take things one day at a time.

DivineMrsM, you rock! Love

Ebru