Unsupported husband...am I over exaggerating?

Lala,

First big hugs.

It is normal to feel afraid and it does not mean you are weak.

I had a situation similar to yours in that we got married and a few months later I got my diagnosis, went through neoadjuvent chemo and had a mastectomy (uni) with recon. I was actually in the hospital for that surgery on our fist anniversary. Sure not how we had pictured life!

My husband has been wonderful. Does he tick me off at times through all of this, absolutely!

He was is not one to be dramatic and I'm not either. It helped me that he is that way but I did get the "it will be fine." It can make us feel dismissed. I think it is his way of coping. Men like to fix things,and they can't fix this. Is he there for you in other ways? I'm sure he is scared right now. Sometimes stress and fear come out as snippy and cranky.

I would suggest sitting down and maybe having a talk with him and tell him exactly what YOU need in way of support. Maybe when you say I'm scared that means you want a hug. Not a response of it will not be that bad.

As for the puppies....I am a major animal lover. I would tell him to get his butt outside and train them daily, hire a trainer, or take them to puppy kindergarten at Pets Mart. He should understand how crazy it is to watch and train one puppy let alone two! I can see how he would get upset at the suggestion of rehoming. I truly do not think he is choosing them over you. I in no way think it is selfish of you to draw a boundary with the dogs. You will need help and in any circumstance you do not want two big untrained dogs! He cannot control or fix your cancer but he can fix that. 😎

I find I get different things from different people. He can be your rock and be supportive in his own way (as long as he truly is being supportive) but you may have to go to other people for other things. My husband has a great sense of humor. He makes me laugh. He is a great cook. I don't go to him for the "what if it comes back?" conversations. I will likely get answered with a logical answer or a don't be negative. I will either set him straight or I just simply have those discussions with friends who have been through it.

You are not alone. Come here for support.

You can do this.

Edited to fix your name--darn auto correct

I wouldn't mind those puppies if I was well, let alone starting bc treatment. If your new husband doesn't understand your situation enough to prioritise you while you go through this, then I see a red flag this early in the marriage. You really do need to sit down with him now and set some protocols that work for you both.

Lala,

My husband isn't very touchy-feely either. It is what it is. He helped out in his own way.

Have any friends/family reached out to you and asked if they could help? If so, you might draw up a list of concrete things they can do for you, like help you walk the dogs. One of my friends set up a "Lots-a-helping hands" site for me, and people signed up to do all sorts of things, like go shopping, pick up my daughter from softball/basketball practice, bring dinner on Wednesday nights when my husband worked late, etc..

Another thought: are there any middle or high school kids in the neighborhood who could take the dogs for some extra walks every day for pay? Maybe, they could take them on some particularly long walks and wear them out so they wouldn't be such a handful.

A final thought: do you belong to a religious congregation? The women in my church often reach out their sick sisters.

I had chemo, and yes, it can drain you of energy. That's why you need to think of setting up a support network right now.

If your husband truly isn't going to be a positive for you as you start this phase of bc then maybe it's not so bad to be alone with the support of friends and fam, if you have them near. You don't need negative stuff from him. If he is more worried about his dogs than about you, like travel has said, that's a big red flag. I did it alone with no help except my bro for a couple days after each sx so it can be done. I just prepared well in advance using this board as to what to do and I did it, so don't let the fear of no way can I do it alone stand in the way of your mental health with him- if indeed that is what's happening. Never put yourself second to him or his dogs esp now. Best wishes. xxx

Here's the June 2017 chemo thread..

https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topics/855286

husbands are often afraid themselves. If they pretend it isn't happening...then it isn't happening. My hubby dove into his work to cope...only now, two years later, is he starting to talk about the terror he felt at losing me. Just remember this is happening to both of you...

lala, what kind of surgery are you having? Do you know yet? I can't imaging much worse that 2 out of control untrained pit bulls. Cancer aside, that can be a scary situation.It is a bit selfish of him to assume you can handle these 2 strong untrained animals while you are going through chemo. Not to mention, you'll be highly susceptible to infection through chemo, and don't need to risk getting scratched by claws.... picking up poop etc.... It would be great if someone could take care of them for a few months.. Can your husband take them to work with him? Can he drop them at doggie day care everyday on way to work and pick up on way home?? Big Hugs to you

Being terrified before chemo is normal. Not sure anyone wasn't. You can do it. Keep checking in to that chemo thread. I also suggest just in case husband remains mia that you prepare stuff ahead of time. Get everything done like cleaning, laundry, freeze food or buy ready made. Assume you will be very fatigued, maybe feeling sickly though some of us didn't have it as bad as others, myself included. I live alone so I had to prepare ahead of time stocking up some on everyday needs like tp, kleenex, paper plates cuz I wasn't going to worry about dishes---things like that as well. Have some healthy snacks. See if your infusion center has snacks/food there or if you need to bring your own. Mine had a tv in each room and small breakfast boxes and lunch boxes as well as snacks since they were part of the hospital so they'd order in. Hope husband turns it around but if not, do go to your mom's. Do not say in a place where dogs can poop on the floor. It's unsanitary as well and you don't want to possibly be in such situs during chemo. It pains me to hear just how much he's into his dogs. It's like having a mistress except of the fuzzy kind with how he is with them. Try to relax and just think of it as you are on your way to kicking cancer's ass thoughts. Best wishes. We're all rooting for you!

You should not feel guilty about suggesting he get rid of the dogs. If he will not hire a trainer to come or send them off for training, I don't see what other options you would have to suggest to him, other than having them stay with a friend or family member, but....no one else will want unruly, untrained dogs either.

I didn't have chemo but we did have 2 baby pit bulls plus their daddy. We loved them so much but they were unfortunately run over. Long story and still painful.

They had lab in them too and were tearing up things right and left. We did keep them in the backyard - fenced - as often as possible and confined inside too.

I am a big dog lover too. If it were me I would stay with my mother ESP during chemo. He will need to figure out what to do about the pups. I know he loves them but he should understand what you are facing and find an alternate plan of taking care of them because obviously getting rid of them is not an option.

My spouse was supportive but like others he was positive I would be okay. He was scared to admit otherwise. I am the strong one so he expected nothing less than I would handle it.

It is happening to both of you. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.

Keep the faith and keep us posted.

Diane

Lala, my heart goes out to you. It's very difficult to confront cancer with a new marriage. It's not what either of you expected to face so soon into your relationship. This is a hard blow for your husband as well, and he's going to need to come to terns with it. He sounds like he's partly in denial, and partly being selfish. It will take time for him to figure out how to cope. I think you need to make your health the priority here, as the other women have told you. I think you should move into a place where there are no dogs to control and clean up after. Your white blood cell count will go down while you're in chemo, and you can't afford to get sick or scratched, or deal with poop!

It doesn't have to be a big fight with your husband. You can just calmly tell him that you have been advised that you need a quiet, clean place to live while you're in treatment. Tell him your preference is to temporarily re-home the dogs until you're better. If he's unwilling, tell him you'll need to stay with your mom.

Big hugs as you go forward. You can do this! It's all scary, but you'll be amazed at how God gives you the strength to take one step at a time.

Lala, that is really good news. I'm so happy your husband took a step in the right direction. I'm sure one pup is very different than 2. As far as chemo goes, yes it can be harsh, but the docs and nurses are very good about monitoring you during infusions. If anything feels 'off'' please communicate with your team. And they will make immediate changes. Some people don't finish all the rounds of chemo due to side effects, but most do OK. Keep us posted and best of luck on your first day. You are going to rock it!

Lala,

Good news! That situation worked out for all. You know the other dog is safe and your husband can visit.

Your fears about chemo are understandable. I agree with what Jackster51 said on that.

You should be given very specific instructions from you treatment facility to help them monitor you. My onc had me not automatically do Nuelasta and wanted to see if my body could handle it. My blood was monitored weekly and I was seen by him before each infusion. I got slightly anemic but not bad. You never know what type of chemo that gentleman had either. Hopefully he is on the mend.

If you have that list, make sure you do some shopping beforehand...you may not feel like it after you start. Things like a thermometer, very moisturizing body wash like dove, Tylenol (if okay with onc), Claritin if you are taking Nuelasta, baking soda if they want you to rinse your mouth (some recommend baking soda with water and some recommend Biotin). You get picture. 😀

Get your antinausea and any prescriptions filled. Take the antinausea meds the night of infusion and a few days after before nausea shows up (if your team allows).

Oh and senakot and Imodium (never needed the Imodium but you just never know!).

You go to that infusion, treat yourself like a princess after and walk everyday. Keep moving. Go kick som cancer butt and let us know how it goes!

Lala - just to re-emphasize - you MUST put yourself first as you go through these treatments. Someone else suggested you just calmly tell him that the the remaining dog MUST be cared for by someone else or you will have to go to your Mothers. It's not worth the risk.