Unsupported husband...am I over exaggerating?
Hello everyone I am in tears as I read all of your post of unsupported husband. I'm not sure how I am feeling I was Diagnosed stage 3 breast cancer in Jan. Me and my husband planned the perfect wedding in the park...then I found out I had breast cancer. So April 6th 2017 we got married at the court house never got to wear my beautiful wedding dress. I am 48 years old 4 grandbabies n I'm scared to death...my husband has been by my side everyone thinks he is so amazing n yes I do too but emotionally I'm not allowed to be afraid...I feel like I'm not allowed to be afraid and yesterday they put my port in I'll start Chemo on the 5th of June. When I talk about how afraid I am he says things like it won't be that bad you'll be fine. I worry about everything this is so scary for me but if I bring it up he shuts me down. He does not realize how serious this is...he does not understand. We got in a big argument today we have 2 pit bull puppies who are out of control he works all day and I have to take care of them and once I start chemo it's going to be so hard. I told him today we should think about finding one of them a home. He flipped out and said he is moving out and I'm selfish. I am so afraid of what I am going to go through and his loyalties are literally to his dogs before me. I feel like he should be more concerned with my health. Yesterday after my port got out in he was at work and as bad as I felt I had to tend to the dogs and the male is so strong he almost knocked me down. What am I gonna do once I start Chemo? I have to deal with caring for the dogs or lose my husband. I don't think he realizes what I am emotionally going through. He famous words are.... you can't do anything about it so don't let it consume you, It breaks my heart. I feel like he should be putting my health first. He acts as if cancer is not that serious. I'm sorry I been holding all this in and have no one to talk to because I don't want to involve my family because everyone thinks he is so amazing since all this cancer stuff. I just want to be stress free and I want him to see how all this is effecting me. When I am scared of the unknown he says I have nothing to worry about. Do I have the right to be afraid? Or should I hold in my feelings? I'm am so afraid! So many things crossing my mind like after all the chemo will it come back? Is this cancer gonna be the cause of my death or once I lose all my hair will he still love me and look at me the same? Will he be able to go through this with me? So many things on my mind and I feel a weak because I am so afraid when everyone expects me to be so strong I don't know if it's right feeling so scared and am I being selfish? I'm just so sad. I feel so alone right now. I just needed to vent since I can't do it anywhere else. Thank you and God bless all of you!
Comments
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Lala,
First big hugs.
It is normal to feel afraid and it does not mean you are weak.
I had a situation similar to yours in that we got married and a few months later I got my diagnosis, went through neoadjuvent chemo and had a mastectomy (uni) with recon. I was actually in the hospital for that surgery on our fist anniversary. Sure not how we had pictured life!
My husband has been wonderful. Does he tick me off at times through all of this, absolutely!
He was is not one to be dramatic and I'm not either. It helped me that he is that way but I did get the "it will be fine." It can make us feel dismissed. I think it is his way of coping. Men like to fix things,and they can't fix this. Is he there for you in other ways? I'm sure he is scared right now. Sometimes stress and fear come out as snippy and cranky.
I would suggest sitting down and maybe having a talk with him and tell him exactly what YOU need in way of support. Maybe when you say I'm scared that means you want a hug. Not a response of it will not be that bad.
As for the puppies....I am a major animal lover. I would tell him to get his butt outside and train them daily, hire a trainer, or take them to puppy kindergarten at Pets Mart. He should understand how crazy it is to watch and train one puppy let alone two! I can see how he would get upset at the suggestion of rehoming. I truly do not think he is choosing them over you. I in no way think it is selfish of you to draw a boundary with the dogs. You will need help and in any circumstance you do not want two big untrained dogs! He cannot control or fix your cancer but he can fix that. 😎
I find I get different things from different people. He can be your rock and be supportive in his own way (as long as he truly is being supportive) but you may have to go to other people for other things. My husband has a great sense of humor. He makes me laugh. He is a great cook. I don't go to him for the "what if it comes back?" conversations. I will likely get answered with a logical answer or a don't be negative. I will either set him straight or I just simply have those discussions with friends who have been through it.
You are not alone. Come here for support.
You can do this.
Edited to fix your name--darn auto correct
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Awe thank you so much! You made my day and I truly appreciate your post. I had no other place to vent and I was feeling so guilty for even suggesting to him to home one of them. He was so upset and it made me feel as if my life was second to him. The poor dogs are out if control because they don't get much attention since he works so much and I just can't mentally do it! So I do feel bad for the dogs and feel they deserve more too. He has no kids and they are what he calls his own. So I'll try to be supportive as best I can. I'm so happy I can talk to people who truly understand. I been so depressed. I have always struggled with my weight and in six months I already put on 30 lbs I went from 149 to 180 and then I read on line that the chemo and steroids will make me gain weight. I feel so horrible my self asteam is all Jacked up. Did you do chemo ? Thank you so much for helping me
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I wouldn't mind those puppies if I was well, let alone starting bc treatment. If your new husband doesn't understand your situation enough to prioritise you while you go through this, then I see a red flag this early in the marriage. You really do need to sit down with him now and set some protocols that work for you both.
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thank you so much I feel the same way....this makes me feel scared and alone if it's that easy for him to threaten to leave what happens when my health gets worse? Thank you for understanding xoxo
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Lala,
My husband isn't very touchy-feely either. It is what it is. He helped out in his own way.
Have any friends/family reached out to you and asked if they could help? If so, you might draw up a list of concrete things they can do for you, like help you walk the dogs. One of my friends set up a "Lots-a-helping hands" site for me, and people signed up to do all sorts of things, like go shopping, pick up my daughter from softball/basketball practice, bring dinner on Wednesday nights when my husband worked late, etc..
Another thought: are there any middle or high school kids in the neighborhood who could take the dogs for some extra walks every day for pay? Maybe, they could take them on some particularly long walks and wear them out so they wouldn't be such a handful.
A final thought: do you belong to a religious congregation? The women in my church often reach out their sick sisters.
I had chemo, and yes, it can drain you of energy. That's why you need to think of setting up a support network right now.
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Lala,I did do chemo. It wasn't as bad as I was anticipating. I too was really scared before I started. I did 12 taxotere 4 FAC.
Where are you in your treatment? Have you had surgery yet?
There are some threads on these boards that you may find helpful. There should be a June chemotherapy thread. You will be able to talk with people who are starting at the same month you are.
Also there are threads that give great tips on getting stuff together that you need for chemo, maybe some nice warm socks, a good book, etc. Do you have a wig or a pretty scarf for when/if you loose your hair? People approach the hair thing in a lot of different ways. I wore a wig but ripped it off the second I walked through the door or sometimes even in the car on the way home from work.
I agree with others here, you will want to line up some support, if you can. If possible take your husband or a friend with you to your first treatment.
I had to take steroids years ago for something else. I was on much higher doses than they give for chemo. I went in knowing they can cause weight gain. I was careful about my food choices and ate a lot of protein. I drank a lot of broth (homemade - watch the sodium if store bought). That settled my stomach and was easy to heat up. Sweets didn't appeal to me while I was on chemo (they do now!). Just try to be healthy and take care of yourself. I dint have any weight issues with it but everyone is different. My doc had a dietician that I was able to consult with. You should ask about it.
If you can, get out and walk and move every day. Leave the puppies at home. You don't need the stress on a walk. Exercise will help get the chomp out of your system and will release endorphins to elevate your mood. Drink lots of water.
Another thread you may want to check out is stage three survivors - 5 years or more. Very inspiring.
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If your husband truly isn't going to be a positive for you as you start this phase of bc then maybe it's not so bad to be alone with the support of friends and fam, if you have them near. You don't need negative stuff from him. If he is more worried about his dogs than about you, like travel has said, that's a big red flag. I did it alone with no help except my bro for a couple days after each sx so it can be done. I just prepared well in advance using this board as to what to do and I did it, so don't let the fear of no way can I do it alone stand in the way of your mental health with him- if indeed that is what's happening. Never put yourself second to him or his dogs esp now. Best wishes. xxx
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Awe I feel so loved! Thank you all for your love and kindness...this sight is amazing! God bless you all and thank you for you well received input! Yes I will definitely have a plan B...I do not know how I to use this sight yet to find June Chemo sessions but I will figure it out! It feels so good to have a place to go so I can confined in others. God bless you all! Love hugs N Kisses 😙
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Here's the June 2017 chemo thread..
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Thanks, Artista, for posting that link.
I'll give a try for the stag III survivor thread I referenced: https://community.breastcancer.org/forum/67/topics...
Lala, if you go to the menu button in the upper right corner of the page, you can choose "search" and type in some keywords to find just about any topic you may be interested in.
Good luck. I hope you were able to have that talk with yourhusband to see if he can step up and no plan B is needed.
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husbands are often afraid themselves. If they pretend it isn't happening...then it isn't happening. My hubby dove into his work to cope...only now, two years later, is he starting to talk about the terror he felt at losing me. Just remember this is happening to both of you...
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lala - please do insist that the dogs need to go if he isn't willing to hire a trainer to come every day - probably twice a day - and walk them. Not very many junior high kids could handle an active, young pit. And remember, you won't be able to even do walks for weeks after your chemo/surgery/rads, let alone take them for training classes. It's time for you to put yourself first.
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lala, what kind of surgery are you having? Do you know yet? I can't imaging much worse that 2 out of control untrained pit bulls. Cancer aside, that can be a scary situation.It is a bit selfish of him to assume you can handle these 2 strong untrained animals while you are going through chemo. Not to mention, you'll be highly susceptible to infection through chemo, and don't need to risk getting scratched by claws.... picking up poop etc.... It would be great if someone could take care of them for a few months.. Can your husband take them to work with him? Can he drop them at doggie day care everyday on way to work and pick up on way home?? Big Hugs to you
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Some men just don't realize how much work dogs are, especially high energy dogs, like pitbulls. We have a pitbull, a shepard, a collie, an English bulldog plus a Husky/shepard mix we just inherited from my son, who also works way too much to take care of a dog. The burden was falling entirely on his girlfriend who works, plus she just had a baby. They fought like crazy for a couple months till he agreed the dog was too much for them to handle. He's now my dog.
The dogs are a lot of work, but at least my husband is retired. Pitbulls need lots of exercise or they can get bored and destructive.
I wish you an easy time with chemo. Mine was not so easy. I was totally useless. My husband took care of me, the household chores and our menagerie of pets (dogs, goats, cats, chickens and fish). I hope yours will rise to the occasion when he is needed.
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OMG thank you everyone you all brought tears to my eyes. I started feeling guilty to even suggest that. I just had my port in as of now it's the last surgery till after radiation. I start Chemo Monday the 5th and I'm scared to death for the unknown. You all sound so strong I wish I can be. I put a brave face on but I am terrified! I appreciate all of you so much! My husband deliveres furniture so dogs can't go. We will play it by ear I guess once he realizes the seriousness of all this. Sometimes I don't think he does. Yesterday the younger one vomited and popped in his kennel and the big one popped in kenel the day before. I had to clean it. I told him I can't do it once I start chemo. If it comes down to it I'll go stay with my mom. I feel like my health should come first. He is a dog lover I get that he has no kids. I have 1 son 32 and 4 grandkids whom he adores. But if it came to taking dogs to vet or paying our rent he will take dogs to vet and put us last. The dogs truly come before everything and everyone. I just feel there should be a ballance to raising animals. Well thank you everyone for helping me through this and pls pray for me. I start Chemo Monday I'll keep you posted n it's so nice to have friends I feel so alone right now xoxo😙
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Wow, if the dogs come first, he should have them trained already. He is going to need it spelled out what you need from him. Most men may need some help this way, and then they are glad to do it. Just need instructions,
I've thanked my MIL many times for the great job she did raising my hubby. .....but even he needs a little prodding sometimes
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Being terrified before chemo is normal. Not sure anyone wasn't. You can do it. Keep checking in to that chemo thread. I also suggest just in case husband remains mia that you prepare stuff ahead of time. Get everything done like cleaning, laundry, freeze food or buy ready made. Assume you will be very fatigued, maybe feeling sickly though some of us didn't have it as bad as others, myself included. I live alone so I had to prepare ahead of time stocking up some on everyday needs like tp, kleenex, paper plates cuz I wasn't going to worry about dishes---things like that as well. Have some healthy snacks. See if your infusion center has snacks/food there or if you need to bring your own. Mine had a tv in each room and small breakfast boxes and lunch boxes as well as snacks since they were part of the hospital so they'd order in. Hope husband turns it around but if not, do go to your mom's. Do not say in a place where dogs can poop on the floor. It's unsanitary as well and you don't want to possibly be in such situs during chemo. It pains me to hear just how much he's into his dogs. It's like having a mistress except of the fuzzy kind with how he is with them. Try to relax and just think of it as you are on your way to kicking cancer's ass thoughts. Best wishes. We're all rooting for you!
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I am so sorry that you have extra burden/worry before chemo starts! I am a huge animal lover too but it is too much to handle all the chores for them during chemo with a compromised immune system.
We have always had high drive / high energy dogs - German Shepherds and Huskies (sled dog rescue). They need to be mentally and physically stimulated but the really calmed down when one of us got sick.
The pit bulls sound young. Are the indoors? Can you have an large outdoors kennel with a dog house to provide shelter and your husband can clean the kennel when he gets home? Also, chew toys like elk antlers should keep them busy provided they share well and don't get into squabbles over the same toy.
If you have to clean up, use disposable gloves or two doggie bags and a mask as a precaution - that's what the chemo nurses told me to do although my husband did all of that during chemo and rads. We always shared the dog duty and made sure they are looked after.
There are professional dog walkers/sitters but not sure how pricey they are. Boarding them at a kennel would be an option but only short term because it wouldn't be fair to the dogs and too costly.
I am sending you lots of good wishes and hope your husband will step up once he realizes what you have to go through!! Otherwise it is better to stay at your mom's place. You need to be in a healthy environment!
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You should not feel guilty about suggesting he get rid of the dogs. If he will not hire a trainer to come or send them off for training, I don't see what other options you would have to suggest to him, other than having them stay with a friend or family member, but....no one else will want unruly, untrained dogs either.
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Agree with honeybadger. If they were trained that's one thing, but to boot they aren't. He shapes up or you ship out to mom's until you feel you can handle his dogs.
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I didn't have chemo but we did have 2 baby pit bulls plus their daddy. We loved them so much but they were unfortunately run over. Long story and still painful.
They had lab in them too and were tearing up things right and left. We did keep them in the backyard - fenced - as often as possible and confined inside too.
I am a big dog lover too. If it were me I would stay with my mother ESP during chemo. He will need to figure out what to do about the pups. I know he loves them but he should understand what you are facing and find an alternate plan of taking care of them because obviously getting rid of them is not an option.
My spouse was supportive but like others he was positive I would be okay. He was scared to admit otherwise. I am the strong one so he expected nothing less than I would handle it.
It is happening to both of you. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.
Keep the faith and keep us posted.
Diane
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I think a lot of your fears are very common to BC patients. I was scared of cancer (being sick, being in treatment, being dependent on others). I was afraid of what would happen to me - both physically as well as emotionally. I worried about how it would affect my husband and children. I had those same fears about whether or not I would be desirable if I lost my hair or breasts or even just my ability to help out and live a "normal" life. And this was all with a supportive husband and family!
Unfortunately, there are always some people who seem to take BC lightly. I'm not sure whether they really believe that it's not that serious or if they are choosing to live in a "happy" place or they feel they need to encourage us or what. It's super frustrating when you feel like you have to be positive for them or like they aren't hearing you. Just understand that you may need to take those thoughts and fears elsewhere to share them - maybe a friend, other family member, or counselor. It's important to acknowledge your feelings and concerns, to let it out.
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Lala, my heart goes out to you. It's very difficult to confront cancer with a new marriage. It's not what either of you expected to face so soon into your relationship. This is a hard blow for your husband as well, and he's going to need to come to terns with it. He sounds like he's partly in denial, and partly being selfish. It will take time for him to figure out how to cope. I think you need to make your health the priority here, as the other women have told you. I think you should move into a place where there are no dogs to control and clean up after. Your white blood cell count will go down while you're in chemo, and you can't afford to get sick or scratched, or deal with poop!
It doesn't have to be a big fight with your husband. You can just calmly tell him that you have been advised that you need a quiet, clean place to live while you're in treatment. Tell him your preference is to temporarily re-home the dogs until you're better. If he's unwilling, tell him you'll need to stay with your mom.
Big hugs as you go forward. You can do this! It's all scary, but you'll be amazed at how God gives you the strength to take one step at a time.
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Update: God is so good been doing so much praying about the dogs and did not know how to adress it with out a big fight... mentally I could not do it! Well my husband went to the gym with my brother who owns the home we rent...he said my brother had a talk with him and we are getting rid of Nanook the smaller pup...He was not upset or anything! So God answered my prayers through my bro..last night we gave Nanook to the original owner who was a family member they were happy to take him back. So all we have is Mia she is a good girl a little hyper but manageable. So my chemo is in 2 days Instarted feeling super positive then I went to a store for dinner and ran into a Friend n her husband. He looked horrible I felt so sad then he said he just went through chemo and because of low white cells he almost died 3 times. He said chemo can kill you to be careful...OMG it once again put me in a panic of confusion of should I do it or not? Well I'll let you guys know how I am after my infusion on Monday. Thank you all for being my friends I don't feel so alone. I am super grateful to all of you for all your love and imput. Have a blessed day and God bless you! 😙❤️
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Lala, that is really good news. I'm so happy your husband took a step in the right direction. I'm sure one pup is very different than 2. As far as chemo goes, yes it can be harsh, but the docs and nurses are very good about monitoring you during infusions. If anything feels 'off'' please communicate with your team. And they will make immediate changes. Some people don't finish all the rounds of chemo due to side effects, but most do OK. Keep us posted and best of luck on your first day. You are going to rock it!
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Hi Lala,
When I got my cancer diagnosis, my partner and I sat down and had a really difficult discussion. It was absolutely warranted.
I chose a mastectomy with reconstruction and the topic of our discussion was, "Will he still find me attractive after surgery?" also on the table was, "Cancer often breaks couples up."
He was honest. He said he didn't know if he would still find me attractive. He said he might lose desire for me. He said that there are those people who are victims and just cannot deal with what life hands them, and there are those that accept challenges from life and deal with them.
He was scared...more than me, that's for sure. Maybe that is because my dad, my uncle, my aunt, and my grandpa all have cancer. My dad is dying from stage 4 melanoma. My grandma died from lung cancer. Cancer kills some people. I knew this, and yet I knew that if I were to survive it, I had to accept what treatment I wanted to do and get on with it. I had to be strong for me, no one else. I decided I wasn't going to be strong for him. That was his choice. I could only be strong for me. And yet...
The thought that my partner might not want me after having surgery and treatment was terrifying to me. After all we had been through! How could he say something like that???? The fact is, his honesty was JUST what I needed.
I didn't need to think that he was fine with everything and then four weeks down the road have him kick me out of the house because he didn't want me anymore. I needed his brutal honesty in what HE was dealing with as well. Because cancer isn't just about the patient. Everyone that is close to someone with cancer is affected in one way or another.
I have developed a sense of self long before cancer stuck and I knew that I wasn't going to feel like a victim. I was going to rise to the challenge of cancer and do what I could to beat it. The thought that it could come back is always there...as a matter of fact, there is another investigation for me coming up. Could it be another cancer or my original cancer spread? Yep. Is it scary? Sure. Is it debilitating to me? Hell no. I have too much living to do now to let it stop me.
It turns out that my partner loves my new fake boob. He can see beyond the scars. It wasn't as bad as he thought it would be. My energy was diminished and we sat down and made an agreement. He would pick up some slack and do all the dishes and keep the kitchen clean. That was a huge help to me, because I work outside the house and he doesn't but I was expected to do all the housework AND take care of our two ancient cats receiving medications twice daily, while I was being treated for cancer!
In short, you must be honest about what you want from your husband. Allow him to express himself without finishing his sentences for him, or trying to guess what he is saying. You must let him know what you need in no uncertain terms. Let him know that you're there for him, but your health is your priority. He cannot be your priority. And you'll find that the dog(s) are not his priority.
That's my two cents, anyway.
Big hugs and best of luck. Keep your smile to the sun.
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Lala,
Good news! That situation worked out for all. You know the other dog is safe and your husband can visit.
Your fears about chemo are understandable. I agree with what Jackster51 said on that.
You should be given very specific instructions from you treatment facility to help them monitor you. My onc had me not automatically do Nuelasta and wanted to see if my body could handle it. My blood was monitored weekly and I was seen by him before each infusion. I got slightly anemic but not bad. You never know what type of chemo that gentleman had either. Hopefully he is on the mend.
If you have that list, make sure you do some shopping beforehand...you may not feel like it after you start. Things like a thermometer, very moisturizing body wash like dove, Tylenol (if okay with onc), Claritin if you are taking Nuelasta, baking soda if they want you to rinse your mouth (some recommend baking soda with water and some recommend Biotin). You get picture. 😀
Get your antinausea and any prescriptions filled. Take the antinausea meds the night of infusion and a few days after before nausea shows up (if your team allows).
Oh and senakot and Imodium (never needed the Imodium but you just never know!).
You go to that infusion, treat yourself like a princess after and walk everyday. Keep moving. Go kick som cancer butt and let us know how it goes!
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Ahhh, yes! So happy it worked out for you! Yes we get low white blood cell counts on chemo but you will be monitored. You may even get Neulasta which boosts your wbc count. If you do, to avoid the possibility of bone pain that is a common se of it, take plain Claritin day of injection and for 2 days after. Works for so many of us.
Also the anti nausea meds. Take it from the night of your first infusion and for a few days after. Stay ahead of what you can, like this and bone pain if you are given Neulasta. I never waited to see if I got this or that. I popped Claritin and anti nausea meds routinely and didn't have a bad time on chemo overall.
Stay positive. A good deal of how you will feel is how you have your mind set going in. Good, bad, ugly---keep the faith and keep in good spirits. Good luck and keep us posted on how you are fairing. xxx
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Lala - just to re-emphasize - you MUST put yourself first as you go through these treatments. Someone else suggested you just calmly tell him that the the remaining dog MUST be cared for by someone else or you will have to go to your Mothers. It's not worth the risk.
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I second this suggestion by MinusTwo. I got an infection mid chemo and got a free ambulance ride to hospital for intravenous antibiotics. You will end up at your mother's place, for sure, if you plan to risk infections.
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